Where I'm at......

As I attempt to blog during my lunch break, I was inspired by a friend's blog that was inspired by another blog.....so here is my attempt....

First, I am just proud of myself that I was able to "link" blogs within my blog the way I did just a second ago, and yes, that is just the silly kind of person I am. 

Though, currently, I feel like my mind has been racing in a million directions for various reasons......I do not like this.  I am ready for life to settle down and be "normal" if there is such a thing.  I truly did think a few years ago I was almost there (to normal), after quite a few tumultuous years....but nonetheless, I do think I achieved normalcy in my life....if only for a year........

I am thankful that I have a job, a house, that I live in Columbus, that I have two adorable kitties, and of course, for friends and family. 

I am thankful for the wonderful ice cream sundae Matt made for me a few nights ago.... ;-)  YUUMMM

I love being social, and though at times I may complain about being busy, I wouldn't have it any other way.  Sure, I do like a little downtime every now and then.....but even during the downtime I don't know what it means to relax.

Relax.....boy that is something I wish I could do.  Seriously, could someone please teach me how to do that? ;-) 

Although, I do enjoy holiday traditions, and sure, the holidays can be fun....I hate the hustle and bustle of it...and the pressure of finding the prefect gifts for people.  I am giving up this year.....most people are getting gift cards.  I just don't have the energy to try to find that perfect gift....and worry about it being "not perfect"...

Speaking of perfect, I am tired of being a perfectionist.......I have been finding that trying to be perfect in so many aspects is taking so much of my joy away....and I don't like this.  In addition to learning to relax, I really want to learn how to not strive for perfection in every aspect of my life....as it is exhausting - and most of all taking my joy away. I don't like this. I like to be joyful.....happy.....and upbeat......but often find myself "faking" this....which is NOT AT ALL ME.......

As I think back over the last few months.......I miss being able to go on vacations - but am thankful for them.  Whether that be experiencing Chicago and amazing Vegas.....to just a little girls trip that I took with Gen to Cleveland a month ago. I love getting away and experiencing new things. I have been sooooo wanting to take a little vacation lately......

Most of all, when I think about where I'm at right now, I yearn nothing more than to just be content.  I truly, truly, truly hope to be there soon.....

Great Quote!

It has been almost a month since I last blogged.....and even longer since I blogged about something meaningful.....  I have a few minutes before meeting a friend for breakfast and thought I would post a quote I read from one of facebook "friend's" status.....

"The most authentic thing about us is our capacity to create, to overcome, to endure, to transform, to love and to be greater than our suffering."  ~ Ben Okri

I loved this quote!  This is something I appreciate about humanity.  Granted, for some, I know this is very difficult, but I hope that for most of us - we continue this cycle our entire life.  Oh how much I appreciate watching others grow and learn, and I like when I am able to do the same. 

Life can be so difficult.....but there are always people that care and tools available to help us overcome, endure, transform, love and to be GREATER than our suffering - thankfully!! 

I love Autumn!

I love Autumn!  This is absolutely my favorite season of the year.  My favorite use to be Summer, but our Summers in Ohio are soooo long and humid that Fall has turned into my favorite season.  Now, don't get me wrong. I still love Summer.....I enjoy the sun and all of the outdoor activities you can do.  But there is just something about Fall.  Of course, the beauty would be what I love the most. I love, love, love seeing the leaves change on the trees.  There are so many beautiful colors represented as I walk, drive and jog through my neighborhood.  I am just thankful to be able to see this beauty.  I also think that Autumn just has this certain smell.  I can't explain it.... and yes.....I am kinda "funny" about smells.  There is just this nice "Autumny" crisp smell in the air.  And of course, I LOVE the smell of pumpkin candles.  I just plain love pumpkin anything.  I think pumpkins themselves are cute, but I also like anything made with pumpkin. I could eat it all year around.  The thought of a pumpkin roll, pumpkin spice latte, pumpkin pie.....all of it just brings a smile to my face. 

Unfortunately, I haven't allowed myself to enjoy Autumn quite as much this year.  I have been a bit ambivalent about many things lately. I didn't decorate around our house until a week or so ago, and even waited until the morning of, to buy trick-or-treat candy.  But regardless, it doesn't take away from the love in my heart that I have for Autumn. 

We are going to my friend Michele's annual Halloween Party tonight.  It should be fun. I haven't seen her since early August, so it will be great to see her again.  Not to mention, I have a silly costume AND I am bringing some amazing Dogfish Head Punkin' Ale, which I found out I adored last weekend while dining at the Winkin Lizard. 

Just taking a second to reflect upon my love for Autumn......and the peace that I typically think that it brings....even if it hasn't quite done that for me this year.  I still completely love it!! ;-)  Here is a picture to show my appreciation for this season.....

Me lovin' on my pumpkin!!! ;-)

Am I currently an Introvert???

I have been contemplating and self-reflecting quite a bit over the last few weeks. However, that is not a surprise because I constantly want to understand myself so that I can be a better person and be aware of my surroundings and how I am impacting people around me. I truly want to grow not only professionally (the usual), but I also greatly want to grow personally and I hope that this desire never falters.


However, anyway, as many of you know, I L-O-V-E the MBTI (Myers-Briggs Type Indicator). I was first introduced to it as a RA at Malone College (well now University) in Canton. I was sooooo incredibly happy to be chosen as a Resident Assistant and couldn't wait to live on a floor, foster a community, plan events, connect people and truly invest in others. It was a dream come true! I TRULY TRULY believe in community. I had such an amazing experience serving as a RA at Malone, I might add.....and still keep in contact of many of the wonderful woman that lived on my floor that year (thanks to Facebook). They were soooooo much fun. They were a rowdy, fun and a loud bunch......so once quiet hours began.....they knew to take off running of they heard my door open. It was an on-going joke. Oh, they were so fun. But anyway, this was when I was first introduced to truly understanding myself via the MBTI. I think that I did actually begin this journey when I became friends with Steph my freshmen year at Malone (our first day). We just had this instant connection.....one that I cannot understand and doubt will ever happen to me again in my lifetime. It was such a blessing.....and we were so fortunate to be in each other lives for quite a long time, including serving as RDs at Ashland University together for 2 years, (something I will always be forever thankful for - our time of self-reflection and discovery together). But anyway.......being completely open and honest with her.....someone who cared about people, was intuitive and wise......this was able to help me process and understand myself. Then comes this MBTI.....I didn't necessarily "buy into it" at the time.....I was 21......but yet, did notice that the results did parallel my personality fairly well.


It wasn't until I became a Residence Director at Ashland University (right out of undergrad), that we used this in our RD and RA training. I FELL IN LOVE as it really helped me to understand myself.....my strengths, my weaknesses, my abilities.....my limitations....why "I am the way that I am"!!! Oh wow.....how nice is this. My personality is neither right nor wrong.......it is just "who I am"!!! I am unique, just as others are unique and have differences......and the goal in this life (or at least in my life) is to bring about harmony in the midst. Helping one another to understand our differences....appreciate them.....bring about harmony (as much as possible, and if that person is mature enough) and then move-on.......


Yep, I was a VERY strong ESFJ.......which of course, has its good and bad aspects! I think it worked fairly well while working in Res Life.....as I enjoyed being with people, caring for people and was pretty organized. Now, I would depend on others to help me think big-picture and brainstorm holistically about how we can help students...... Now, my experience at SPU was a bit difference, I felt that the "S" aspect of my personality held me back a bit.....it was just a little different there. In my opinion, the "N" aspect of the personality was valued a bit more......they were all very talented in thinking big picture. So, I did feel a bit insecure in that aspect.....but still learned a lot through it, and loved my colleagues at SPU.


However, I must say that in an interview, if anyone knows anything about the MBTI......they pretty much guessed my type immediately (happened to me more than once).......so clearly I am fairly transparent. I suppose that is okay....... I certainly aim to be genuine.......


Now......I come to the main thought and intention of this blog. Over the last few weeks-month......I have noticed myself "shying" away from some social opportunities. I am always "usually" the first to "jump" at any social opportunity.....and I do have a diverse amount of friends.....so can stay fairly busy. But......and it has nothing to do with them.......but I have had hardly any energy to invest in important people in my life....which SUCKS. I care about my friends and those in my life.....and have still been able to spend time....and listen.....but no I don't have much energy to put forth (aka....not sharing much about me). Recently I have noticed myself turning down some social opportunities....which 1. makes me feel bad to do this to them (yep I am a people-pleaser) and 2. makes me not understand myself, because turning down a social opportunity is not like me. I am not even sure the last time I really initiated a social outing....other than the Nickelback outing with my siblings......


To many people, this may not seem like a big deal, but I notice that it is not the "usual me"....I am an extrovert that ALWAYS wants to be around people (that is how I gain my energy). I am certainly still a talker.....and LOVE my job and the people I work with...so have no problem interacting and being social........


But then I started to reflect when was the last time this happened to me (feeling more introverted)......since you know I am an "E" on the MBTI......have I "ever" not operated like an "I"?? Yep, it happened when I lived in Seattle. I remember John's suicide, my Grandpa being diagnosed with cancer, living far from friends and family, starting a new job......really caused me to operate more like an introvert (I am sure due to being emotionally exhausted and depleted). Now, don't get me wrong....there is NOTHING wrong with this, but whenever I notice myself doing something a bit out of the "typical Amy" I begin to ponder and reflect.
So.....what is going on with me.......I kinda "think" right now....do to some circumstances......I am definitely an emotional introvert......feeling depleted emotionally. I don't really share how I truly feel about "stuff" with anyone........so I think that part of me is much more introspective and introverted (which is sooooo bizarre to me.....not typically me - but that is okay). However, I also think that I may be a "tiny" bit of a social introvert right now too......as sometimes it has been hard for me to muster the energy to go to some social events as of recent. Now of course, as soon as I get there I always have a good time, because lets face it......I am/can be loud and do enjoy laughing, talking and visiting with others......


So anyway.......no answers......just a reflection...... I know that the MBTI gurus say your "type" doesn't change (well unless you are on the fence in some of the categories.....but I really am not). But I must say from personal experience, depending on what you are experiencing in your personal life.......you may begin to take on the "form" of another type (I truly believe this....because I trust my personal experience). I don't think this will last forever.....but definitely for the time being.......
Hmmmmm......... ;-)
 
Of course.....a little picture from PostSecret:

Do YOU Want to Make a Difference?

I DO!!!!!   A resounding gong should have "gonged" after that statement! ;-)  I sit here reading some different news articles on CNN and am reminded about how in this life I just really really want to make a difference in the lives of others.  Is that selfish??  Who knows.......  I am faaarrrrrr from perfect, but I think that I have a decently good heart, and just want so much for those around me - especially those I truly care about.  However, I so often get caught up in the mundane day-to-day things and forget about what really matters - OTHERS!!!! 

I still don't know how to truly make a difference in the lives of those around me......  I hope that my subtle acts do.....whether that be a smile, an encouraging word, an encouraging card (those only come every once and a while.....sorry), or just being there to listen when need be.  But I want to be able to give more!!!  I just have such a deep yearning to truly help people.  I can't even completely explain it in words. 

Yet, sometimes I feel so helpless and overwhelmed at the thought.....  How am I able to do this?  In what ways can I make a difference?  Does it need to be in my daily occupation?  Does it need to be in some volunteer opportunity (which I rarely do), or is it right in front of my face?

I don't think this is the only way that I will "hopefully" help others one day.....but I do want to somehow become involved in suicide prevention, perhaps a hotline?  Though, I don't know that I will EVER be strong enough to do that having dealt with it first hand (with my stepdad).  That really makes me feel like such a wimp because I do have such a heart for helping others in need, but I don't think I could be strong enough to help them in their greatest time of weakness......  Now how selfish is that?  Granted, I had a few issues (suicidal students) I dealt with while working in Residence Life......but that was back in 2005.  But tonight I read about two different suicide cases.  My heart just hurts DEEPLY.  But I feel like in these two particular situations, and in my stepdad's suicide.......I don't think they even thought of asking for help.  So.....yes, there are hotlines available which are such a blessing......but what about those that will never even think of utilizing them???  How can we, how can "I" reach out to these broken hearts(perhaps just education)?  I just hate hurt......and really hate to think of others hurting.......

But I really don't think that is the only way I can make a difference (suicide prevention)......the only way I can help others.....but yet I haven't been able to figure out how to put this into practice (helping others in some way)....to truly make a difference. And again, maybe I think tooooo hard and am making it too hard on myself.  Of course, I LOVE postsecret........so a few examples of some of my thoughts (being the visual person I am)............

For example.....I want "this girl" and every girl or boy like her to know that they are perfect!!  Of course we all fall short....but we are all given gifts, strengths and abilities that can be used for the good!  I would want to encourage her to look at perfection differently...........SHE is special!!!!

For this person.....oh my heart aches!!  I would hate to think I couldn't be myself.....or to know I would be judged by those I love. I mean of course there are always aspects of ourselves we keep hidden.....but this is such a huge part of this person's life....it makes me sad that he/she would be unaccepted because of "who she/he is".......we need to throw out the judgemental mentality and LOVE others and be accepting!!!!!!  HUGS to this person!!!

Of course, I am sure this person is talking about a romantic relationship......but I also interpret this as.....HEY sometimes WE ALL need hugs!!!!  I wish that hugs were given and accepted more often (I truly think it would help others feel cared about)!!  I LOVE HUGS and think they can really make you feel special!!!!  If applicable........HUG AWAY!!!  Let others know you care!

Finally, from this loooong blog.....in which I do want to find a way to make a difference in the lives of others, I found this picture......and perhaps I should figure out how I am to help people - making that a goal today....like this person did:

My sentiments EXACTLY!!!!!

Oh how my heart longs to help others..............

Secrets........

I know I have blogged about this before, but every week the PostSecret website posts new "secrets" others have submitted via postcards.  I love reading these as I find them interesting, sad, sometimes funny......and often there are few (or sometimes many) that touch my heart.  I like the idea of this site for those that feel they cannot share their "secrets" with others, but at the same time it makes me sad that they may not have anyone to share these "secrets" with.  I don't like how as a society we can seem so closed-minded and judgmental that people, our friends cannot come to us with problems they may have.  But anyway.......I shall not digress on this rant.  Instead, I want to share a few "secrets" that I found tonight in an archive that impacted me....

So, this first one I completely loved as I truly believe that is true about many people.  For some reason I have thought this since well before college.  I think it is one of the reasons I love people and getting to know them.  There are some people that come into your life that you know have more depth or really just need someone to care about them and allow them to talk and share. 

Hell.................if I am completely honest with myself.......I have felt this way often lately.....for one of the first times in my life.........(have felt the above postcard) 

I liked this one as I am sure that many can relate.......  Sometimes there can be soooo many hard and difficult things that take place in our lives......that we just want the pain to stop.  We just want to feel numb, WE are tired of the pain........and yes I say WE.  So.......my encouragement and reminder to myself is to be there for your friends and for even random people that come into your life....

Yes, I know this one is a bit graphic.  But nonetheless, one that touched me.  Suicide still pains my heart so deeply.  Not even just because I have dealt with losing someone to suicide firsthand, but just because I HATE to see people hurt.  The above secret is one of the BIG reasons I WILL NEVER EVER own a gun.  I do not judge those that do own guns, but personally, I will never ever allow a gun in my house.  Granted, they also just plain scare me too........but the above secret is another reason why....

I absolutely loved this secret!!  I love to see happy and confident people....I mean not someone that is overly confident, but someone that has a genuine heart and believes in themselves!!!  I hope that the person that submitted this secret does change the world!!  Although, I am already 100% confident they have changed the world for someone in his/her life!!!  <3

I just loved this one......it made me happy and sad at the same time.  I love hugs and think they are so very powerful.  I know often within family settings it is just expected.  However, I typically do not hug someone unless I really mean it as I think a HUG is something very powerful.  It is a sign (for me) that I truly care about that person.  I also love hugs because they make me feel happy and important....even if the person doesn't view them as quite as big of a deal as me.  ;-)  But yes, often....I agree....there are sometimes those hugs from important people.......and I just don't want to be let go......

I could upload soooo many secrets that are amazing, but I also liked this one......and I couldn't agree more or have said it better.  YOU truly never know how often your kindness can impact someones life.  Granted, I have never been suicidal, but I know how much some peoples kindness and listening ear have made me feel soooooooo much better.  To know that people care is one of the best things in this world. 

So, again, I say this as a word of encouragement and a reminder for myself........love and care about others and DON'T BE AFRAID TO SHOW IT (in whatever way that may be)!!!

Empathy......People Pleasing.......blogging some frustrations.....

So, I have often had this love-hate relationship with this "empathy" ability that I possess.  At times I am thankful, in hopes I can listen and comfort those in need.  However, other times it is soooooooooo hard because I allow others to impact me way too much.  Though, maybe that really isn't what is suppose to happen with empathy, maybe I just don't know how to control this emotion/ability (if that is what you would call it).

I was trying to search for some quotes that helped evoke some emotion and or thought to explain what I am thinking/feeling........here is one:

"Tenderness and kindness are not signs of weakness and despair, but manifestations of strength and resolution." ~Kahlil Gibran

Unfortunately........I don't always feel this way (i.e. weakness).  Sure, sometimes I am thankful in that I hope to be able to show some people.....maybe even those that others do not show that kindness to (i.e. others don't think these people deserve comfort), because I am able to "feel" the emotions that they are feeling.  I often find it a bit "freakish" that I am able to take on their emotions even if I haven't experienced their particular situation.  Sure, it can be exhausting at times, but again, I love to help people and if me being able to somewhat "feel" what they are feeling......I hope that I can provide comfort.

But on the flip-side, there are times I hate feeling and worrying about others.  I hate when I can witness that some people are not happy......because then it can ruin how I feel.  Perhaps what I am saying is a bit different than empathy.  But I do not like to see someone upset.....even if it has nothing to do with me.  I guess perhaps it comes back to this entire people-pleasing aspect of myself that I sooooooooo wish I could get rid of.  So often, if someone is trying to be hurtful........I just want to be able to say "who cares"........I will not allow their unhappiness to impact me (especially if it is not my fault), but I am not able to do this.  So, I somewhat think this is partially my empathy because I know that someone is upset........and I cannot fix it.  ughhhhh  Please let me preface, when talking about this paragraph, I am talking about someone that may be unhappy for no reason.....someone I am close to, that perhaps may just want my attention.  Of course, for the most part I am always here to help others.....but I have come to notice, that (maybe subconsciously) people know I am impacted by the way they are feeling so they use this to their advantage......to get my attention.....(or at least this is how I feel).

So, of course, one other quote:

"When you listen with empathy to another person, you give that person psychological air."  ~Stephen R. Covey

This particular quote shows who I do like (well most of the time) to use my empathetic ability.  I like to be there, to listen and to help others........  It is nice to listen to someone in times of need.......and I hope that my tenderness and kindness (as listed in the quote above) is a comfort to them during whatever they are experiencing......

I just need to learn how to listen and empathize, but not worry about taking on others emotions to the detriment of myself.......and I need to learn to not always worry about damn people-pleasing.........

Phewwwww......okay, feel a tiny bit better getting that out.  ;-) 

A Quote For Today!

Sooooo.....it has been a long time since I have last blogged.......I haven't had much I have felt like sharing lately.....for better or worse.

So, tonight I felt like finding a quote that touched me.........after searching, here is a simple one I found:

"To live is like to love--all reason is against it, and all healthy instinct for it." ~Samuel Butler

I really liked this one! Isn't it the truth.......when I think of love......to love anyone means that you must make yourself vulnerable.....allow for rejection, hurt, rough times.....so many reasons to hold a distance....or abstain (but yet loving others is soooo completely worth it). And as people (or at least for myself), we (I) truly care about people and enjoy learning to love others for so many different reasons, despite the possibility of hurt. I can think of many different people in my life and why I love them, I love them for many different reasons. I love them for "who" they are. I appreciate genuineness and uniqueness in people......people who are honest and love life. Now, even though as of recent I have been a bit more "guarded" as a person, this has not taken away my love for others.....nor has it kept me from learning to love and continuing to love people.

Now on the other side......life is kinda like that too. I think that it can be sooooo hard. There are so many bad things going on around us....so many suffering......so much pain, it can make one question....what is the point?? But clearly our bodies know to continue to live.......we breathe without even realizing it. The majority of us continue on, even in the midst of difficulties. I love nothing more than to see those strong people that have come through so much adversity and still keep plugging on through life.....sharing with others....educating and helping others with their wise perspective.

To which leads me to another quote I read this evening that goes along with the above thought.... "The more difficulties one has to encounter, within and without, the more significant and the higher in inspiration his life will be." ~Horace Bushnell

The thought of this just makes me smile. I am thankful that every once in a while I am fortunate enough to meet someone like this. Life......such a long and hard road......but one with sooooo many rewards. ;-)

One Day at a Time!

Life is so interesting. Truly, it is! I am definitely a person that looks for meaning in so many aspects of life....always trying to learn and grow. Of course, at times that may not always be for the best....but that is who I am.

I look back through my 31+ years on this earth and see many peaks and valleys, but I do think that I have learned during both times. I always hope that some day I can help people either through things I have been through......or by my listening ear. If I had to name one thing I want to do with my life (apart from being a good wife, mother (one day), and friend), it would be to help people.

But as I sit here writing this right now, I look back over the last 10'ish months....and I feel like I have not been able to do this as much as I have wanted. I have obviously blogged recently about being depleted of energy.....depleted of being able to succeed at my life's ambition. I have felt selfish over this period, especially over the last 5 or so months because I do not feel like I have been able to be as good of a friend as I would like. Sure, my friends may not know this.....because whenever I am with them I try to give them 100% of my attention, time and a listening ear. BUT, I have found it hard, at times......to be able to gain energy to sometimes give my friends that quality time they deserve. I have struggled with this, and feeling so selfish.

However, thankfully, I think that I am slowly regaining the energy I need. I have been searching for a way to feel myself again....a way to put my "needs" on the back burner.... Honestly, I think that is part of it. I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE to spend time with people, listen to where they are at right now, listen to joys & sorrows.......but for some reason have found it more difficult for "me" to share. Sure, I always have something to say, but to really be vulnerable is a big struggle for me. I am okay with this, but I know that not being able to release some of "what I am feeling inside" has caused this depletion of energy.....and spilled over to me not being able to give us much as I want.

But I can happily, and with a little bit of energy say........I think I am learning how to process more internally rather than needing to process externally. Which is GOOD.....considering I have not been able to really process externally about my feelings lately anyway. Thus.......this is GOOD.....so that I have more energy for others.....GENUINE energy.....rather than just going through the motions.....HORRAY! (hence the title - one day at a time).

I know this may seem trivial to anyone reading it......but to me it is such an amazing feat. Truly "feeling" like myself has been a bit of a struggle over the last year. I am definitely able to operate fine and normal around everyone.....but by the end of the day......I would/have been sooooooo exhausted from putting forth the energy to be that "typical Amy that everyone expects"........ Thus, I really hope I am on an uphill swing.......about to reach one of those peaks in my life. ;-)


A few positive things to focus on...........1. OSU football season starts next week - horray (and looking forward to attending Laura & Jesse's OSU party Thursday)!!! 2. I am getting a MASSAGE next week - double horray!! 3. I start back at OSU next week, and I love my office and the students I work with 4. The twins started kindergarten this week - yippee!! 5. Matt's Summer tennis league has made it to play-offs.....with him playing the #1 spot 6. I have had a great Summer, being out in the sun, vacationing with friends & hubby, and just being able to spend time with friends in all my spare time, 7. Looking forward to this Saturday as I get to spend time with my sister and friends!!! ;-)

Finally......tonight.....I am thinking of the looming date of tomorrow......the anniversary of John's suicide. Often when I think of it and the way he died.....I get sick to my stomach.....still 6 years later. However, the only thing that gives me comfort is that he is at peace now! I know I started the month of August......wanting to be positive and not think of it as a month of death....but I did lose 2 more family members this month. What a difficult month August is....but thankfully it is almost over. ;-)

I will end with a photo from Postscript this last weekend that brought tears of joy to my face (love this site)!

Having a Quiet Mind....

So, I am still reading, "Eat, Pray, Love"....don't worry, I am finally on the final section (just started today)...but throughout the India portion what really stuck out to me was the thought of having a quiet mind and being able to control your thoughts. Now during this portion she travels to India and works with a Guru on meditation, etc. And during this section she finds her god, but for me, I took away from it some aspects that echoed to me and they are as follows.....

A portion of the book says, " But I don't (have a quiet mind), nor does Sean. Many of us don't. Many of us look into the fire and see only inferno. I need to actively learn how to do what Sean's father, it seems, was born knowing how to............Instead of being amused, though, I'm only anxious. Instead of watching, I'm always probing and interfering. The other day in prayer I said to God, 'Look-I understand that an unexamined life is not worth living, but do you think I could someday have an unexamined lunch?'"

Oh boy did this stand out to me......my mind is constantly stirring...constantly thinking....constantly feeling..... Sometimes I just wish my mind could be at rest and RELAX. I don't want to think about what I need to do 2 hours from now.....or worry about crazy things in the future. I truly wish I could have a quiet mind...... Oh how refreshing that would be....

Another portion of the book talks about controlling your thoughts, very similar to what was being discussed above. The book says as follows, "On first glance, this seems a nearly impossible task. Control your thoughts? Instead of the other way around? But imagine if you could? This is not about repression or denial. Repression and denial set up an elaborate game to pretend that negative thoughts and feelings are not occurring. What Richard is talking about instead is admitting to the existence of negative thoughts, understanding where they came from and why they arrived and then--with great forgiveness and fortitude--dismissing them. "

Coming from a person that struggles with anxiety.....this seems like pure *heaven* and bliss!! Oh how much easier life could be for me if I could have a quiet mind and control my thoughts. But oh no.....my thoughts constantly control me....and MY emotions!! Ughhh....an uphill battle....

I don't have anything profound to add.....just wanted to share a little portion of this section of the book...the India section.

But I do completely resonate with her sentence.....'Look-I understand that an unexamined life is not worth living, but do you think I could someday have an unexamined lunch?' I would love to have one day where I could entirely relax......and not be constantly thinking and analyzing....and feeling....so deeply. ;-)

Happy Day!!

Okay, so I just wanted to write a quick post to say how thankful I am for my day today!!! ;-)

I did a little reading of Eat, Pray, Love this morning.....then rode my bike to campus to have lunch with a couple of different friends....then went to set-up my office in preparation for the Autumn. I enjoyed my time with people today!! Horray! I am eager to start back up at OSU after 2 months off (well, 2 months on September 1st). I then rode my bike home...relaxed a few minutes and then Matt and I went to the pool. It has just been a lovely day.

The only bad thing is that it is not even 9:00 p.m. and I am dead!! hee hee!! ;-)

I am so thankful for people and the smiles they bring to my face. Oh, how I couldn't imagine going through this life without having amazing people by my side.

Learning.....

This afternoon I began to read, "Eat, Pray, Love." I was debating about whether I wanted to read the book....or just wait and watch the movie next week. I belabored over this for two reasons.

1. I don't like to read
2. I am much more of a practical person.....so would prefer to watch it on TV

So, far I have made it through Italy and am about to start reading about her journey through India....and I am really enjoying it. I have to keep taking breaks......as I really am not a reader and don't enjoy it. However, I certainly do appreciate the way this author writes. She does a VERY good job a describing her feelings/emotions.....that leave me jealous. This past weekend, my friend Michele finally convinced me to read the book...... I love you Michele (she knew I would enjoy it)!! ;-)

Of course, for anyone that knows me....they know I am a pretty emotional person and I wear my heart on my sleeve. You pretty much know how I am feeling at any given time (which can be good and bad). However, after finding much appreciation for my blog this Summer, I became a bit jealous that she is able to express her emotions and what she is feeling sooooo clearly on paper. Sometimes I think.......boy, I bet I would feel better if I could be more articulate with my emotions, whether that be in writing or even in speaking with people. Poor Matt.....I often cannot explain why I feel a way I do......I just do.

There was one part of the book that really resonated with me, as I have been battling with myself about my people-pleasing personality. This is something I would like to change to a degree.....because well, it can be exhausting. However, she writes the following (she is speaking of boyfriends, but this could apply for me to many relationships because I care so much about those important to me)..... ".........But I disappear into the person I love. I am the permeable membrane. If I love you, you can have everything. You can have my time, my devotion, my ass, my money, my family, my dog, my dog's money, my dog's time----everything. If I love you, I will carry for you all of your pain, I will assume for you all your debts, I will protect you from your own insecurity, I will project upon you all sorts of good qualities that you have never actually cultivated in yourself and I will buy Christmas presents for your entire family. I will give you the sun and the rain, and if they are not available, I will give you a sun check and a rain check. I will give you this and more, until I get so exhausted and depleted that the only way I can recover my energy is by becoming infatuated with someone else."

Now, I of course, would not say I am quite that extreme.....but that pretty closely depicts me. And also, let me clarify......I haven't figured out how to recover my energy....but thankfully it is not by becoming infatuated with someone else.....thankfully. ;-) However, my point being.....I have appreciated her writing....it is so raw and vivid. So whereas I do not like reading.....I have enjoyed this book so far. Initially I thought I wanted to go to the movies with a group of girls to watch it. However, I have started to tear-up while reading the book on a few different occasions during her traveling in Italy....that I am afraid I may bawl during a lot of the movie when I see it in person (because again, watching it makes me feel even more "in the midst.") Thus...I may need to go by myself...

Great book so far.....but again....it leads me on my journey of learning how to not be such a people-pleaser......and learn how to say no. Learn how to be a bit more selfish at times...... Learn how to make myself happy.... Now of course, I would NEVER hurt someone in the process. But this really has been an internal struggle for me since recognizing it 7-8 months ago.....

But darn it.....this is something I have to figure out.....something I have to change. No one is requiring me to take on their burdens.....like I so often, empathetically and naturally do. ;-) Sure, they may need me to listen (which I love to)......but I need to learn how to not let my emotions become consumed in their emotions.....

I am certainly not a doormat....and if someone makes me mad, I have no problem standing up for myself. But for those I truly care about.....I sometimes have a hard time saying no....even if it is something I do not want to do....

Thus.............my current state of exhaustion and depletion............

Oh, life is such a journey!!! ;-) Okay....back to the book.....a third done and plan to finish it today!

The Dreaded Month of August....or Maybe Not

Well, the dreaded month of August is here! Now, don't get me wrong there are a lot of great things about August......birthday's of some WONDERFUL people....it is warm......etc. However, for a couple of years I really hated the month of August. August is the month in which I lost John in 2004 and then my Grandpa in 2005 (not to mention, a Great Grandpa in 2004 too). I often find it hard to think about August without feeling a sense of sadness and angst....

However, I brought August in this year eating a homemade brownie sundae, enjoying some wine, and great conversation with my good friend Michele (until 1 a.m.). ;-) I can't think of a better way to bring in the month - horray! That was preceded by a great evening with Gen and Michele. Oh how thankful I am for friends. Thank you to both of you for a fun evening last night!

So, instead of feeling sad about the month of August, I am going to celebrate their lives....the lives they lived if only for a short time. I don't want to focus on the pain they felt at the end of their lives but instead the happy moments I shared with them. I really want to keep that in perspective.

Soooo........here is to a happy month of August.....may it go out as happy as it came in for me! ;-)

Shrinking.......

I saw this quote today.........

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? ... Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do... It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”----from A Return to Love, by Marianne Williamson

Yes, I know, my blogs have not necessarily been the most uplifting as of lately. But as I said yesterday, this is my ONE place where I feel I can be honest.....and I think it is because I know hardly anyone reads it.........

But I came across this quote today when reading quotes on facebook. First of all, I L-O-V-E quotes. Geesh....I find meaning in so many different quotes.....but this one spoke to me today. I have had a VERY strange day......and will just leave it at that. Thus, this spoke to me....

I WISH that "I felt" (what the quote states above)....."Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure." Oh gosh......how I want to feel powerful....or maybe I should say strong. I want to feel strong...... Why am I allowing myself to let certain life circumstances take this away from me? Why am I allowing others or situations to make me "not" feel powerful and strong? Why am I so impacted by what is going on around me. Not to sound selfish.....but why can't I just focus on ME!!!!!!?????

I also liked this part of the quote, "Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you." I use to feel pretty secure about who I am......not allowing others or situations to impact me....but as of lately (I am about to be very vulnerable), I have felt very insecure. Granted, I am insecure physically by the weight I have gained over the last few years.....but it is WAAAAAAY more than that. I can get beyond that at times, but lately, I have felt a bit "shrunk back" by even who I am. Some of this is from my own self reflection......and some from allowing others to let me feel this way. No, none of my friends are doing this to me........I am allowing this to happen........

I would like to think the last 8+ months has been a time of self-discovery (albeit, damn hard), but a time of learning..... Though right now I am soooooo damn exhausted I just want to feel normal again..... I don't want to have to find ways to muster energy to just go out with friends.....friends whom I love. I want to feel happy and confident......I want to feel LIKE ME AGAIN!!!

Comforting......

So, as I was reflecting this morning, I was thinking about how thankful I am for this blog. It is funny because I know very few read it (which is fine, and honestly, preferable), but it has really been a comfort to me as of recently (which as I have stated many times, I think is strange coming from an extrovert). I feel that I am able to get some thoughts and feelings out on "paper" that I do not want to bother others with (i.e. talking about.....though I would sooooo prefer to talk and analyze with someone, but don't at all want to be a bother).

I think this blog has helped me somewhat to be the "typical" Amy people are use to. It gives me strength to get "some stuff out"........gain a "little" energy to put forth for others. Sure, there are still plenty of times where I have to put on the happy face that everyone expects, though I may not be feeling it inside......but hey......I can't help it....I am a people pleaser and making others happy is more important to me.

It has been a VERY busy last 4 or so months, socially (which is great, I love to be social....and often set stuff up), but it has also left me feeling exhausted at times.......needing a day of downtime (which is unusal for me.....usually I can go, go, go). For example yesterday, I had no energy to do anything until I had to get ready to go to a friend's house to play Bunko (ummmm....that means not showering until 4:15 - ha). I wasn't even sure I would be able to muster up the energy for that (go to Bunko).....but I did thankfully, and it was FUN. Granted.....this could be also partially do to my return from Vegas and the jetlag. ;-)

But it is somewhat freeing to be able to type in this blog........I am not that strong internally as of recent......I get exhausted and don't always feel I can be my "typical and usual" self. However, I do find ways to re-energizer (or at least try), because bringing smiles to others faces is what is more important to me. Thus, if I can get "some of it out" in this blog (nothing too deep), then so be it.

This morning I was reading one of the Postsecret books. Yes, I know I have mentioned this website/books, etc. a few times in my blogs. It is soooooooo interesting to me that people feel they must keep secrets, or that some of the secrets they share on these postcards they do consider secrets.....that they cannot tell others. At times I find these secrets interesting, freeing, humbling, painful, happy and downright sad (I cried this morning over one --probably a few--of them). But anyway, it really got me thinking about myself......I really do not think I have any secrets that at least one person doesn't know. Sure, I am pretty open, but I have tact and know what to share when (for the most part). But honestly, maybe I am boring.........but I think I just talk openly about my feelings and am a pretty honest person (not saying any of these people that send in secrets are not honest). Not sure if this is good or bad..... But I do not think I could keep a secret inside that I couldn't tell at least someone.....some close friend/husband. I think I would burst. ;-)

But I do think that the "mask" I have to put on from time to time recently (acting totally happy and fine when deep inside I am not), is somewhat a secret (because MOST ----actually virtually all people have no idea I am doing this). But at the same time, I am pretty open with admitting I am a people pleaser......thus if I need to do something to keep harmony or make someone else feel better, I will.

This particular postcard touched me this morning........"I've put off telling my mother that I am depressed and need help........cause I'm afraid she'd be angry that I am not the perfect daughter she thinks I am...."

This secret made me cry......"My wife loves me. After 25 years, I've finally realized that is the only reason I love her. It's not enough reason to stay and not enough reason to leave."

I will leave you with one other touching "secret"....."I have a void that can't be filled. (not even by you)."

As much as I want to tell all of these people (in these books) to be themselves.....feel free....don't feel judged, I know that is a bit hypocritical of me right now.....considering.....I have been "faking it" at times lately, which is the complete opposite of what I value in people.

But boy.....how I long to help these people......to be that one person to listen, to tell them they are normal, that their secret is okay.....that if they want to do something about it......figure out what is best for THEM..........oh how I wish I COULD HELP! ;-)

Thank you "my blog" for being my comfort as of recent!!!! ;-)

Some thoughts........

Okay, so I posted the following quote the other day.....but this morning I am feeling a bit "down"....perhaps is the word. So, I thought I would move the quote up and just talk about it....because it had a profound impact on me when I read it this week. Maybe not quite as much as the Julia Roberts movie (ha), but an impact nonetheless. Here it is....

"20 years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover." - by Mark Twain.

Perhaps this goes back to my life feeling so unbalanced right now....and when I say unbalanced, I am not necessarily talking about the depression.....I am just talking about "my" life feeling unbalanced....out of sorts.......disconnected to who I am.... Though, not completely at all times, there are a few select people (2-3)......that without knowing.....make me happy and I feel a bit more connected genuinely in their presence.

I think for soooo long, no actually I know, for sooooo long I have thought life was suppose to work out a certain way, especially my life. I was (and still to a degree) am a planner. I mean hell, I had my life planned out at like 20. I remember looking at Matt while we are dating saying (at like age 20)...we are going to get married right after college at 22, and have 2 kids, one at 25 and one at 27.... Geesh.....was I delusional. ;-) Granted, that is also coming for a 20 year old (who knows, I may have actually been 19 - ha). But I totally remember that conversation one day when we met at the WalMart in Marysville during a Summer slurping a slushy.

I learned within the first year of graduating from college that things do not always go as planned. I learned slowly how to deal with it....to let go of my preconceived notions.....to be more flexible and spontaneous, and honestly as I look back I am fine with this. I appreciate learning this. Then the "hard" things in life began to take place (2003... and on)......and as I look back....I was almost a robot going through to motions from day-to-day......trying to operate....do the best I could at EVERYTHING in my life because I am such a perfectionist. I knew when I decided to end my Residence Life career at Malone in 2006 that this was because there was absolutely NOTHING left in me to give to others. That pained me as I love to give and invest in others. It broke my heart, but I knew it was not fair to continue when I couldn't give 100%.

I am somewhat feeling that way again..........I sooooo want to give, give, give to others.....but also know there is not much left in me, and I hate this. Hence.....I MUST find balance. But I am also reminded of the quote above.....and how we need to take chances....we need to explore, dream and discover..... I think I love this quote because I have "sort of" begun that journey......but maybe only like 10% into it - ha. I know there will be many hardships ahead.......but I need to remember to take chances......not fall back on my preconceived notions of how things "should be" that so naturally comes to me (well it use to....not as much anymore).......

I want to set sail.....I want to learn......I want to find balance.....I so desperately want to become stronger......

Express Yourself......

I think this may be a hodgepodge of thoughts.....as my mind is kind of thinking in a few different directions right now. I cannot believe this is like my third blog this week......strange for an extrovert (in my opinion) to find this therapeutic......but this week I certainly have. The blog I wrote last night totally helped me get some thoughts and ideas out......ideas and thoughts I NEEDED to get out.

But anyway, I was on the postsecret community website, and I just cannot express how moved I become by this site. Each week they post "new" secrets from others ( you can find it on the left side of my blog). But they also have a community website. I was reading through some of these
"secrets" again today.......and it just burns that desire even brighter within me that wants to help others in some way....... I just want every person on this earth not to feel judged.....and to be able to be "who" they want to be. What have we learned as a society that has caused us to shun people or be judgemental......hurtful??? Granted, believe me, I am by no means saying I am perfect. I am sure I hurt people sometimes.....but I try so hard to think before I talk......to encourage and help if needed....... I also think, thankfully......my mind naturally is more open and accepting of diversity in many ways.

I saw this postcard that was sent in and it touched me.......












Obviously, I have no idea what exactly this person was referring to (the event). It could have been a friend/relative that was dying of cancer or a disease, it could have to do with suicide, heck, perhaps this author's version of death was that this person left him/her. Regardless, it reminds me of how important it is to express what we are feeling. At this moment I am referring to sharing your feelings with others......being open.....letting them know you care about them. Of course, I am all about that....whether it be that I verbalize it, send a card, get a small gift, or even through hugs (a few of the ways I show I care). I want people special to me to know they are special. I know that it may make some uncomfortable....but to be honest.....I don't care (well I do.......) but I just want them to know they are cared about.

I wish that everyone did this.......shared their feelings and care. Of course, I am by no means saying I am prefect at it, but think of it as a challenge for me and for others. Don't wait until someone is "dead" to tell them you love them or care about them (it will just make it that much harder on you). None of us know how long we will be here. I know, I know......I have written about this before......but I am constantly reminded.

Maybe perhaps deep down........I want others that care about me to show it more often......yes...a selfish statement....and not why I am writing this at all.......but it makes you feel soooooo much better. I cannot even express the happiness I get from a card.....encouraging words.....people sharing with me (yes, this makes me feel loved), HUGS (I LOVE HUGS).........

So, all of this to say.....jump out of your comfort zone.......let others know you care!!! ;-)

Of course, this postcard (above) also made me think of John a bit.....and others that have lost someone to suicide.... Of course, this may not be the author's reasoning for creating this postcard, but it did make me think of John. The anniversary of his suicide is a little over a month away.......and the anniversary of losing my Grandpa to UGLY cancer is a little less than a month away.....August is kinda a hard month. Not sure why death and losing someone impacts me the way it does....but it does.

I thought this postcard secret was encouraging (below).....and just a reminder of how we should always make ourselves available for others.....especially in times of need:

Trying to find BALANCE

While watching "Eclipse" with my lovely sister the other day, I saw a preview for Julie Robert's new movie, "Eat Pray Love".....here is the trailer - WATCH IT!!!!

http://www.imdb.com/video/imdb/vi2996176409/

OMG......can I say how much this movie trailer resonated with me. It was almost like an "out of body experience" when I saw it. No, don't worry, I am not quiting the job I love to travel around the world.....but so much has been going on inside of me over the last 6-7+ months.....that I have been trying so hard to figure it out (which I am usually good at). I am a pretty self-aware person. I mean I do not claim to be super intelligent at all.....but I fairly understand myself....and have really thought through many different life experiences and worked through them (and am aware of them).....but boy, for some reason.......something has just been going on inside of me over the last few months.....which is why I haven't blogged much......because I cannot entirely explain it because I haven't figured it out..........nor should I probably be that vulnerable.....my last blog probably gave you a little of an glimpse.....

Anyway, I CANNOT wait to see this movie!!! Obviously, I am entirely going by the preview....but a few things got me thinking.

The most important:

1. I have been trying like nothing other than to find BALANCE in my life - or "MY" balance (as selfish as that may seem)! I still do not know entirely what that looks like, nor did I really have the revelation I was trying to find balance until I watched this preview (yes, cheesey). I think I have been subconsciously trying to find it lately.

For example, I have a diverse amount of friends (many different personalities...and I love each of them). Recently at my 31st birthday party (I already knew), but I had a good friend remark...you had a diverse (personalities) amount of people at that party....and I thought...yes, you are right. And as I started to analyze that (surprise).....it made me think....that so many of my friends represnt/bring some sort of balance in my life currently. Some are friends I would certainly not "nautually" be friends with....but due to life circumstances...are thankful for their friendships and what they bring to my life right now. Sure, I do not share every dark and deep secret with each of these different people, but they do not call or ask for that. They are my friends for different reasons. Perhaps they need me.....perhaps I just need their personality and balance in my life right now....and we just hit it off and are great. That sounds a bit like I am using someone and that would be the farthest from the truth. NEVER EVER would I use someone in my life. If I spend time with someone on my "own time" it is because I legitimately want to. I am so thankful for the different people in my life right now. I am thankful for the diversity....the diversity in personalities.....in life views......in just everything about them. I am also SO VERY THANKFUL that they want to spend time with me. That they value me for WHO I am!!!! Thank you for helping me through this difficult time.....though many of you have no idea that you are. ;-)

Friendships have ALWAYS been important to me.....so vitally important to my being. So, I am thankful and treasure every person in my life and am thankful that they want to be a part of my life. I only hope that I bring some happiness to their life. But regardless, thank you for the balance and wholeness you are bringing to my life without even knowing it......and thank you for being you....and for sharing....caring....and being "who" you are!!!!

Sure there is really only one friend I share almost everything with........but regardless, all of my friends mean so much and I have shared an aspect of me with each of them....or I have been there for them to share and help in their lives....which I feel so honored to be a part of.

So, I think this shows a small example of how I am trying to find balance in my life. Since people are important to me this helps. However, at the same time.......I know I NEED to figure out what balance truly is in my life on my own......and I certainly am not there yet......oh....the journey continues..... ;-)

2. So, another part of of the preview talks about "letting yourself go".....now I know in NO WAY have I reached this part of the deep thought.....but in tiny ways.....I have done things over the last 5 or so months that are out of my "innocent" (and I use that in loose terms) character........but I have loved and been thankful for every minute of it (for better or worse).....I have learned......and life is all about learning.....and growing..... I have loved the thrill.....I want to let myself go... I don't want to get in trouble......but I like the feeling of freedom......(no not freedom from my marriage....let me clarify that).......but freedom within myself that I have never experienced before in my life...... Sure maybe some of my choices have not been the smartest for a 31 year old.......but god darn it......I need to figure myself out even more than I already have........ The funny thing is......at 30......even before, I thought I had myself all figured out.....but I continue to learn about myself.....try to learn who I am...try to "better" myself through my experiences.

But I also need to learn how to let go of so many things going on around me. I need to learn to let go everyday to things that may not go according to how I want.....or think they should. I need to not take everything so personal........ I need to learn how to stop being a people pleaser.....and just "let go" and live an anxiety-free life (sounds nice, aye?)

3. However, I do resonate with her "want to marvel at something......to feeeeel good about something".......with this "depression" (yes I said the word).......I truly want to marvel at something and TRULY feel good about something......oh how I long for that........ I don't know what that would be. Honestly....I partly think to me......it doesn't have to be traveling overseas....but finding a good mentor/friend/wise person that can help me through this journey called life (share with me/listen/be honest/care). I LOVE and loooooong for relationships. That is what is most important to me in this life............so at this point I think that my "marvel" may be in confiding and seeking advice and learning from someone wiser than me..........this is something I have longed for, for SUCH A LONG TIME. I remember having a long conversation with my friend Steph back in like 2002-2003......talking about how I have longed for this.....for over 8 years.....someone I have a connection with that is wiser....that I can share with and learn from (obviously a woman).

Then after I learn even more......maybe I could travel just to marvel and learn about different things.... ;-)

4. Another aspect of the preview I loved was when the man said "clear the space in your mind and the universe would rush in"..........oh how I long to clear my mind. I am constantly analyzing....... I think way too much about others....pleasing them....I think about myself.......I just want to be CLEAR.........I want to be open....and let what is suppose to come in......COME IN.......I LOVED this idea.......especially coming from a gosh darn people pleaser....and one that constantly analyzes everything in her mind without always verbalizing it (yes, strange coming from me). :-)

5. During the preview they also had the following words come across the screen....hope, faith, courage.......I thought this was AMAZING and some strong words to use. Hope....well.....I could not even go into that word without crying tonight. I am currently having one of my friend's roommates complete a painting for my office that says "hope" if that tells you anything. Hope is sooooooo important to me for sooooooo many reasons. I love the word and it has sooooo many meanings to me.....meanings I will not share in this blog as they are too vulnerable. But....faith......for me.....I do not have much faith in religion at this point....but faith in people is important to me. I only choose to surround myself with those that I can have faith in.....those that are genuine.....and of course, faith about the future. Finally, courage......oh courage....something I always thought I possessed considering everything I have been through.....but lately have felt FAR from courageous. I hope it comes back someday......I hope I feel courage again one day soon.....I want balance (hence the blog).....I want courage.....I want to feel "normal" again...the normal Amy that doesn't have to "put on a mask".......one that is always genuine....actually I am normally genuine.....but for a select few lately haven't been......so I feel bad about that. That is soooooo NOT who I am at all!!! To be ingenuine is the opposite of who I am.....but yet....I have that conflict of people-pleasing that creches up and causes me to put on my happy....silly...entertaining face even though it may not be genuine (ughhhh....I am soooo sorry for this). I am pretty positive no one realizes this unless they really know me.....but I realize this....as I have been so exhausted lately putting on a show.....so I am sorry!!!

6. Finally, the lovely preview talks about how your life changing experience (as Julia is experiencing) should make you stronger. I really hope my current journey makes me stronger. ;-) I am all about being a strong and independent woman - ha!!! In all seriousness though.....I know life "should" make us stronger, but currently it is hard for me to see this. I hope once I come out of this difficult journey, I can look back and notice that I am stronger!!!! Oh, how I value strength....especially in me. I want to be a strong and independent woman....and just a strong individual overall. Not sure why I value this so much in myself.....but I do.

Okay....all of this babble....and this movie probably isn't even what the preview portrayed - ha!!! ;-) Regardless it got me thinking and hitting me right where I am at.......thank you "preview" for helping me think and process and hopefully grow. I can't wait for the movie to come out!!!!

Going for it......being vulnerable......

*****I originally posted this late Saturday night.....but did delete it for fear of being too vulnerable, well after receiving a very encouraging note from a great friend....I decided to re-post it and I will leave it this time. :-) You know who you are - thank you.......

Okay......so......for anyone that read my last post, I hinted towards wearing a bit of a mask lately.....well, I think I am "strong" enough just to throw it out there (especially since hardly anyone reads this). For the past 7+ months I have been struggling with some depression on top of the crazy anxiety that I already struggle with. It has sucked, to put it lightly. It has been soooooooooooooooooooooooooooo incredibly hard to put on that happy face when gosh darn it, I am not feeling it inside. It is also hard to feel a bit unsupported by those around me when they expect me to act that way.....when I am not feeling it. Granted, it is not like I have shared with many, actually hardly any of my current struggle. And who knows, I will probably delete this after a day anyway.......

But on top of the depression I am also struggling with two other things....that I think probably contribute to the depression:

1. People Pleasing - I am such a damn people pleaser and it just sucks. Sure, I LOVE LOVE LOVE people and making them happy (it brings me such joy inside). But to a degree, it has been causing me so much stress lately making sure people around me and those I care about are "pleased" and happy........and that I never do anything to make them upset. Again, as stated in previous posts, it brings me joy to make people happy.......but lately........it has been an uphill battle to always make sure people are happy, especially a few in particular. It is depleting what is left of me.

2. Pretending to be happy and act like "my normal self".....when I do not feel like it. This is somewhat what I was referring to in my previous post about the mask. Normally, I am a very upbeat, sometimes loud, love to interact with people.....and have fun...kind of person. I LOVE being around people all of the time.....having fun and investing in deep conversations when appropriate. However, lately I have been so damn E-X-H-A-U-S-T-E-D from putting on that mask. Granted, I am not always being fake, because again, that is what I normally am like (happy, social, etc.).......but there are times I barely have the strength to do it. I do not know what I need......maybe a few days of complete downtime? That seems bizarre, as I love being with people all of the time. Over the last few months I do not think there is a day, and certainly not a weekend that hasn't been jam-packed. I LOVE THIS, but the other, I guess "depressed" side of me is feel depleted......maybe needing downtime....

Selfishly........I think I need people to "give" to me......you know....earlier how I talked of being a people pleaser.......maybe I need to find some people that want to invest in me??? Or maybe I am just crazy. ;)

Well, that is a little bit of what is going on with me right now. I seriously can't believe I am typing this....again, if it is not deleted tomorrow.....that will be surprising....as being vulnerable has certainly not come easily to me lately.

The Mask

Every week I read the PostSecret website.....it ALWAYS touches my heart. Sometimes it makes me sad, sometimes it encourages me.....but most of the time it makes me want to help. I want to be the kind of person that "helps" people - I am a helper. I enjoy being able to do that (the empathizing side of me helps). I hate to see people in pain, or people hiding behind something. I wish that we all felt as though we could be completely "raw" and open with one another. Putting up the walls often leads to more insecurities and less communication. I suppose you do not have to be that open with everyone, but how wonderful would the world be if we could truly be who we want to be.....and not feel the need to hide. To not hide who we are, hide behind our secrets, not share the true depth of life and our hearts. Anyway, today, I was on the PostSecret facebook site looking through some of the pictures people submitted, and I came across this one and it spoke to me:

I really, really liked the message that this picture portrayed. If only we felt comfortable enough as a society to say I am done hiding behind a mask. I am done keeping my true feelings, hopes, dreams, thoughts, hurts, pains hidden. I want to be free.........I want to be me.....not judged...but accepted for ALL that I am.

I hope that most people view me as a non-judgemental person. I certainly try to portray this, supporting whatever decision someone makes. Now of course, if it is something that is going to hurt them......then I may intervene. But I really don't think there is anything that someone has told me in my entire life that completely shocked me and made me feel different around them. I like to be that solace for others. However, I wish that others felt this way too (in helping people). It saddens me that people feel so unaccepted......that they must either hide......or worst case end everything (the reason this PostSecret site was created).

So, all the irony in this is that I truly believe whole-heatedly what I have typed above.....but lately feel as though I have been hiding behind a bit of a mask. I have put on that smile even when it has been hard to. Sure, I have opened up to a couple of people....but sometimes life can be tough. But I guess I would also like to show you something that another person submitted to the site that portrays how I have been feeling lately:

For me, it has always been important to be the "strong" one.......I have felt that I have needed to for sooooo many different things that have happened in my life. But I have come to realize over the last few months.........I really am not as strong as I once thought (VERY hard revelation). Sure, it still hurts to write that.......as I prefer to be the strong one ALWAYS helping others. However, I must remember, and like to think that even through hard times......that maybe this phase and different things I am experiencing will one day help someone else. Help someone else not to hide behind that mask. Yes, I really do hope so........................ Because HOPE......it is something to live for!

Ohhh.....and for a small disclaimer.....even though I have struggles right now....if you are a friend reading this.....ALWAYS feel you can still come to me for comfort.......I am always here to listen!!! ;-)

Thoughts.....

I have had a pretty nice weekend, and I am thankful for that. I am taking a little break from grading my students' papers to write a posting.

Last night I got to see my stepsister, Heather. Yes, I still call her my stepsister even though her dad and my mom divorced 9 years ago. Wow, 9 years......that is so hard to believe. However, I grew up with her as a child. I would see her every other weekend from the age of 7 to 22 (minus when I was away at college during the year). We were sharing many different memories last night. She has turned into such a beautiful young lady. As I sat across the table from her last night.....it just brought back so many memories. She doesn't seem old enough to have 2 adorable children now. I mean she is about to turn 28, but still. As I get older I have just become more and more thankful for my siblings. I am thankful that Shane, Abby and I have gotten closer. We have made it through a lot together.

Yesterday afternoon I felt some anxiety coming about (that is not unusual, of course....often a daily occurrence). At times there are reasons, and other times there are not as to why I am anxious. However, I did try to reflect to determine if there was a reason for this anxiety. And as I reflected.......I was wondering if part of it was the fact that seeing Heather tonight would make me think a bit more about John....his suicide.....growing up with him...... Don't get me wrong, I couldn't wait to see Heather. I had not seen her for almost 2 years, we have only kept in contact via email. But yet, the reality is.....she, my sister Abby and I were there through all of the chaos after John's suicide. I think we shall forever be bonded in a different sort of way. Of course, we always will, as I still consider her my sister, and of course, Abby is my sister.......but this bonding is different.......

I never brought up anything about the suicide last night.....as typically I am not one to share as of recent (but yet that hurt is still there for me in the pit of my stomach). We did share some silly stories about how we would tease my younger sister.....by holding her down and tickling her.....and we would get her to hit her head on the wall......too funny. Poor Abby being the youngest. But there was something fun and serene about being together.

Every Sunday I read this website called PostSecret. It started out as a suicide prevention site. For some reason I love this site. This week's postings were not as big as some week's.......but it gives you a glimpse into other's hearts.....their secrets....their pain......things they feel they cannot share with others. Although I like this site, it makes me sad that many feel so judged in this world that they must keep things bottled up.....that they have no one to turn to.....that suicide or self harm or sending someone else their secret is all they have left. I mean don't get me wrong, if sending their secret to this site gives them freedom, then by all means keep them coming. But anyway, my heart often pains each week I read these stories...... http://www.postsecret.com/2010/06/sunday-secrets_13.html

I have had some struggles/difficulties as of recently.....and I just want to say thank you to my good friend Genny for being such a great, supportive and non-judgemental friend - I love you!

So, in typically photo Amy fashion......some photos -


















****My sister Ab, brother Shane, stepsister Heather and ME - all four of us!! Horray
















***Heather, Me and Abby!!!!
















***My best friend Genny (in the middle) and Heather! Thank you "G" for everything!

The Meaning of Life......

Yep, I know..........I think a bit too much. But as I sit here watching "Sweet November".......I started contemplating aspects of the meaning of life (considering none of us know how long we will be here). So, what is the meaning of life??? Sure, many have philosophical or religious answers to that question. And yes, I use to be a fairly religious person....but after so many different life circumstances I have experienced I have been struggling and questioning faith in general. So, again, I ponder.......what is the meaning of life?

Of course, there really is no way to entirely answer this question, as it is a very broad and open to many interpretations....but I thought I would share some of my thoughts...........please remember....I am a simple girl!!!

Today, yes, I say today.......as I am sure that on different days I may give some different thoughts...

To me......I think the meaning of life is...........to be happy. Yep, just that simple!!! ;-) Now, how one gets to that happiness is a different story. I think it can be achieved in many ways.

For me, Happiness means many things....... It seems like such a simple word.......but to me it is a bit more complex and can be brought about in different ways. However, for me, one of the main definitions of happiness for me is that I definitely love to help people.......make them happy. Sometimes this is a double-edged sword as being a people-pleaser can certainly backfire.......but I really thrive on making others smile....doing things for others....understanding them....understanding what makes them happy....understanding how I can make them feel important. That is truly what makes me happy. I love to spend time with people.....listen to them....offer words of encouragement and support.

To me that truly does bring happiness to my life.....but selfishly, I have not been doing that nearly as much as I have wanted to lately....as I have struggled to be positive and "happy" lately. I have kind of felt exhausted and depleted and need to find a way to re-energize myself so that I can get back to what I truly like to do......and I am working on this. ;-)

Sometimes I think that for me, another aspect of happiness would be if I could just be carefree and positive most of the time (I try to be pretty positive....so maybe focusing more on the carefree). I really long for this......and know that this would make life a bit easier........and probably also help me on one of my main goals in life - to bring about happiness in other people's lives!!!! As most of you know from reading this blog.....I do struggle relaxing......and with anxiety. But oh how I want to overcome this. ;-) I feel so selfish in struggling with anxiety, etc. The quicker I can overcome this.......the quicker I can be more positive and have helping others (without becoming exhausted) be a bit more natural.

I love meeting people whom are able to have such a positive outlook on life.....and be more carefree....taking it as it comes...........I like to learn from them.....

My friends and family also make me happy, and I think that it is important to always remind them of how important they are to you. That is something I firmly believe in. And since making people happy is part of my "meaning of life".........I hope that I am able to remind and let my friends know how much I care about them. I don't care if I appear too touchy-feely or sappy. ;-) Again, none of us know how long we have in this life.....or how long we will be mentally, emotionally and physically present.

Finally, in an effort to keep this blog relatively short......animals also make me happy!!! I think caring and taking time to help animals or taking care of your own is a very important aspect of life. You can do this many ways.....like I said....helping out a local organization, taking good care of your own animals.....or of course by becoming vegetarian or vegan (hee hee). Yes, the first two are more easy. But I LOVE animals and they make me happy.......and are a very important part of my life.

Okay.....perhaps I will add some more thoughts to this.....ohhhhh so complex topic in future blogs!!!! ;-)