Control.....a pretty big word in my life. I guess that for a lot of my life you could say I was a bit of a control-freak. I don't think it was probably obvious to most....only to those pretty close to me. After witnessing some things growing up, I learned pretty quickly that "I" wanted to be in control of my life. In no way, shape or form would I be controlled by someone or circumstances. At least not if I could "control" it. I wouldn't say I would control or manipulate people by any means, but I wanted my life a certain way. I had a plan for the way things should be....the way things should go....and I would do what I could to continue on that path. But ummmm......I quickly found that life doesn't work that way......
However, I have been worn down quite a bit over the last few years.......and honestly, don't have any strength left to try and control what is going on around me. I use to be the planner.....I would plan and gather friends together.....plan out our week......plan out what Matt and I would be doing that upcoming week.....planning just about every detail you could think of. However, I have almost become apathetic.....as I just don't have much left to give.......or to even think about controlling most things that effect my life. I kinda feel like (especially over the last few months), I have been just sitting back and watching my life from the sidelines. And to be completely honest, this is FINE with me. It really is.....at least fine for now...........
I haven't been very good at reaching out to people.......I mean if I am invited......or friends are doing something I will certainly be there (and have been pretty busy lately with friends)........but I have not been the one usually "making the plans".........this part I am not happy about, as I don't want any of my friends to think I don't care. But again.........I am just feeling like I am running on fumes.....and don't have the energy to "plan". I definitely have energy to be with people.....as that is how I am energized...by being with friends. And thankfully, have had a lot of time lately to spend with important people in my life. But nonetheless........I haven't been the normal planner.......
I know my wonderful husband, whom I have been with for over 12 years and almost married to for 9.......was use to me pretty much controlling most of what was going on (not him, just things in our life). This was fine for a long time. But lately.......again....it has been gradual over the last two or so years, but definitely in the last 6 or so months......I am fine with him taking control......trusting him to take care of a lot of different things. Again.........just feeling a bit empty....and fine with whatever comes our way. Sure, I still get stressed about silly things........but I have found myself keeping composure about bigger stressors (well sometimes).
So, I guess you could say......I have been "letting go".....giving up control........"maybe" trusting others a bit more. But I must wonder, is this good or bad??? Since it is very different from the way I have been most of my life. Now don't get me wrong, even though I have been a bit apathetic....and watching from the sidelines, I am still struggling with anxiety. One would think perhaps that would be better......but alas......NO. :-(
However, there is one area where I have noticed lately I have no control, and it is hard for me. I am being a bit vulnerable, so we will see if I post this.....or maybe even delete it within a day. :-) But anyway, I had a revelation while processing and leaving work on Friday......that lately I have had no control over my emotions. UGH!!!! Sure, I know I am a sensitive and emotional person......but I feel that I have been a bit emotionally out of control lately. I certainly think it has been obvious to a few people, but this "out of controlness" I feel more internally. I know I should not be reacting or letting things bother me the way they are.......but I have no control over my "internal emotional reaction" and sometimes no control over my external emotional reaction. Thankfully the crying I can usually contain to the appropriate times..... But it is draining to be feeling so many emotions internally.......emotions that are a bit irrational at times....ugh......I CERTAINLY DO want to be in control of my emotions, and the way I present myself....... I mean I certainly realize a lot has happened over the last few months....but still I want to be in emotional control!!!!!!
But anyway.......so whereas I am a bit thankful that I am less controlling of most things going on around me.......I wish I did have control over my emotions a bit more. Nothing more than a genuine....analyzed....revelation. Ha......there is a surprise......me analyzing (maybe that is part of my problem.....I need to think less)!
Sunday, April 18, 2010
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
I wish I could.....turn off that emotion chip!
So, Matt was watching a show of Star Trek the other night, and at one point, Captain Picard (and NO, I do not watch Star Trek), but Captain Picard says......"Data perhaps now you should turn off your emotion chip." Data is a robot.....that was given an emotion chip that I guess....could be turned off. Anyway, I was only slightly listening as I am sure I was on the laptop.....but I thought to myself......OH HOW I LONG TO BE ABLE TO DO THAT!! I would LOVE to be able to turn off my emotions.
Sure, I need to be thankful for the person I am, and confident in my strengths and be aware of my weaknesses and how I want to improve them. Granted....I am certainly one that is more focused on the strengths of others....but I still recognize my weaknesses....and what I want to improve in myself. However, EVERY SINGLE day, I am reminded of how sensitive I am and how I struggle to bury my emotions.
Now perhaps burying is not the best word, because in NO WAY, shape or form would I encourage anyone AT ALL to bury emotions (I love listening to others). I truly am an advocate of talking/processing/sharing your feelings regardless of what they are (negative or positive). However, I sometimes find it hard to decipher what I am feeling and what I should just ignore.
I feel things SOOOOO deeply and they impact me so much. Is there a way I can change this (am I just immature)? I have wondered this for most of my life.....but especially from high school on....and definitely in the last 5 or so years. I know at times I should be thankful that I am "in touch" with my feelings, and that I can often times empathetically "feel" others emotions, and that I can be compassionate. However, sometimes I feel so many things so quickly and so deeply that it can be hard for me to process. Sure, I could process them verbally and quickly with certain people.....but that usually is not a possibility (nor would I want to put them through that). So......instead.....I am left.....feeling so drained and confused trying to process these darn emotions I can feel sooooo deeply. At times I feel like a freak. :-)
So, all of this to say, I soooooo wish I could be like Data in good ol'Star Trek and be able to "turn off that (my) emotion chip." Oh, how much easier life would be if I could do that!!!! :-)
Sure, I need to be thankful for the person I am, and confident in my strengths and be aware of my weaknesses and how I want to improve them. Granted....I am certainly one that is more focused on the strengths of others....but I still recognize my weaknesses....and what I want to improve in myself. However, EVERY SINGLE day, I am reminded of how sensitive I am and how I struggle to bury my emotions.
Now perhaps burying is not the best word, because in NO WAY, shape or form would I encourage anyone AT ALL to bury emotions (I love listening to others). I truly am an advocate of talking/processing/sharing your feelings regardless of what they are (negative or positive). However, I sometimes find it hard to decipher what I am feeling and what I should just ignore.
I feel things SOOOOO deeply and they impact me so much. Is there a way I can change this (am I just immature)? I have wondered this for most of my life.....but especially from high school on....and definitely in the last 5 or so years. I know at times I should be thankful that I am "in touch" with my feelings, and that I can often times empathetically "feel" others emotions, and that I can be compassionate. However, sometimes I feel so many things so quickly and so deeply that it can be hard for me to process. Sure, I could process them verbally and quickly with certain people.....but that usually is not a possibility (nor would I want to put them through that). So......instead.....I am left.....feeling so drained and confused trying to process these darn emotions I can feel sooooo deeply. At times I feel like a freak. :-)
So, all of this to say, I soooooo wish I could be like Data in good ol'Star Trek and be able to "turn off that (my) emotion chip." Oh, how much easier life would be if I could do that!!!! :-)
Monday, April 12, 2010
Goodbye Great Grandma Ruth......
Well, it has been a few weeks since I have blogged.....as I have been pretty emotionally exhausted....and there has not been not much left in me. But today we buried my Great Grandmother. As stated in a previous post, she was diagnosed with bone cancer in December. The last few weeks have been pretty rough. However, I am so thankful for the time I have been able to spend with her in the nursing home over the last few months. I am grateful to have been able to go fairly often. I still remember about 3-4 weeks ago sitting there, just her and I visiting. :-) I am thankful for this time, as I did not get as much time with her son, my Grandpa (Ike) before he died of cancer. So, I kinda felt like I came full circle being able to spend more time with her......even though I wasn't able to spend as much with her son due to being across the country (in a weird way it felt like redemption....but that is not the only reason or why I spent time with Grandma). Granted for me (selfishly), it was very draining seeing her suffer so greatly at the end. I still feel so bitter about cancer and bitter about the way her life had to end.....but am very thankful she is no longer feeling any pain....so very thankful for that.
Just thought I would post a few thoughts......as I know I will probably not be able to verbalize much since many people (understandably....but somewhat hard for me) don't like to talk about death. But even in the midst of this great loss, it was nice to spend time with my family. I am especially thankful for my brother and sister........I am so very thankful for how much closer we are. I love them so much. It was also nice to spend time with extended family. We went out to a yummy Mexican restaurant in Bellefontaine after the viewing on Sunday......and it was a lot of fun and there were a lot of laughs. This was very nice and refreshing. I, of course, had my camera so got a lot of great pictures. I am soooooo very thankful for these pictures....I love pictures......to help me remember those memories....those feelings in that moment.
I am also thankful for my couple of friends that came to the viewing, this meant SO MUCH TO ME - love you both!!! I am also thankful that some of my Dad's family came....even though it was a loss on my Mom's side.
Today was much harder than I thought it would be. Hard to see so many people grieving. Hard to see my Aunt (whom is my age), and my Uncle (whom is 35), sad......as they have lost both parents (my Grandpa Ike (Ruth's son), and step-Grandma Norma) to this horrible disease.....and now their Grandma. To see their pain made me pain so much more for them - I love you both! To see my sister cry.....who isn't as emotional as me.....made me cry too. I know, I am a bit too much of an empath. But I too, was sad......I mean I am happy, SO VERY HAPPY she is no longer suffering, as this past week was very draining and hard to see. But sad to officially say goodbye.....to say goodbye to my last Great Grandma. I was thankful that I knew EVERY one of my Great Grandmas!!! This morning my Grandpa Dowell pointed out that when I was very young I had 8 grandma's at a birthday party for me. I had 1 great, great grandma, 4 great grandmas, and 3 other grandmas (including my step-grandma....but I called her grandma). Oh, how fortunate I was. Now I only have two grandma's remaining.....but I am very thankful for them.
So......all of this to say......goodbye Great Grandma Ruth! You were a terrific lady whom loved so many and was loved by so many. You will be greatly missed by a lot of people. Here are a few pictures in memory of you!
The first picture is of Me and Shane with Grandma in early January 2010
The second picture is of the twins with Grandma in early January 2010
The third picture is of Ab and I with Grandma in a later January 2010
The fourth picture is of Ike's (my Grandpa - her son's) kids in later January 2010
Just thought I would post a few thoughts......as I know I will probably not be able to verbalize much since many people (understandably....but somewhat hard for me) don't like to talk about death. But even in the midst of this great loss, it was nice to spend time with my family. I am especially thankful for my brother and sister........I am so very thankful for how much closer we are. I love them so much. It was also nice to spend time with extended family. We went out to a yummy Mexican restaurant in Bellefontaine after the viewing on Sunday......and it was a lot of fun and there were a lot of laughs. This was very nice and refreshing. I, of course, had my camera so got a lot of great pictures. I am soooooo very thankful for these pictures....I love pictures......to help me remember those memories....those feelings in that moment.
I am also thankful for my couple of friends that came to the viewing, this meant SO MUCH TO ME - love you both!!! I am also thankful that some of my Dad's family came....even though it was a loss on my Mom's side.
Today was much harder than I thought it would be. Hard to see so many people grieving. Hard to see my Aunt (whom is my age), and my Uncle (whom is 35), sad......as they have lost both parents (my Grandpa Ike (Ruth's son), and step-Grandma Norma) to this horrible disease.....and now their Grandma. To see their pain made me pain so much more for them - I love you both! To see my sister cry.....who isn't as emotional as me.....made me cry too. I know, I am a bit too much of an empath. But I too, was sad......I mean I am happy, SO VERY HAPPY she is no longer suffering, as this past week was very draining and hard to see. But sad to officially say goodbye.....to say goodbye to my last Great Grandma. I was thankful that I knew EVERY one of my Great Grandmas!!! This morning my Grandpa Dowell pointed out that when I was very young I had 8 grandma's at a birthday party for me. I had 1 great, great grandma, 4 great grandmas, and 3 other grandmas (including my step-grandma....but I called her grandma). Oh, how fortunate I was. Now I only have two grandma's remaining.....but I am very thankful for them.
So......all of this to say......goodbye Great Grandma Ruth! You were a terrific lady whom loved so many and was loved by so many. You will be greatly missed by a lot of people. Here are a few pictures in memory of you!
The first picture is of Me and Shane with Grandma in early January 2010
The second picture is of the twins with Grandma in early January 2010
The third picture is of Ab and I with Grandma in a later January 2010
The fourth picture is of Ike's (my Grandpa - her son's) kids in later January 2010
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)