The Mask

Every week I read the PostSecret website.....it ALWAYS touches my heart. Sometimes it makes me sad, sometimes it encourages me.....but most of the time it makes me want to help. I want to be the kind of person that "helps" people - I am a helper. I enjoy being able to do that (the empathizing side of me helps). I hate to see people in pain, or people hiding behind something. I wish that we all felt as though we could be completely "raw" and open with one another. Putting up the walls often leads to more insecurities and less communication. I suppose you do not have to be that open with everyone, but how wonderful would the world be if we could truly be who we want to be.....and not feel the need to hide. To not hide who we are, hide behind our secrets, not share the true depth of life and our hearts. Anyway, today, I was on the PostSecret facebook site looking through some of the pictures people submitted, and I came across this one and it spoke to me:

I really, really liked the message that this picture portrayed. If only we felt comfortable enough as a society to say I am done hiding behind a mask. I am done keeping my true feelings, hopes, dreams, thoughts, hurts, pains hidden. I want to be free.........I want to be me.....not judged...but accepted for ALL that I am.

I hope that most people view me as a non-judgemental person. I certainly try to portray this, supporting whatever decision someone makes. Now of course, if it is something that is going to hurt them......then I may intervene. But I really don't think there is anything that someone has told me in my entire life that completely shocked me and made me feel different around them. I like to be that solace for others. However, I wish that others felt this way too (in helping people). It saddens me that people feel so unaccepted......that they must either hide......or worst case end everything (the reason this PostSecret site was created).

So, all the irony in this is that I truly believe whole-heatedly what I have typed above.....but lately feel as though I have been hiding behind a bit of a mask. I have put on that smile even when it has been hard to. Sure, I have opened up to a couple of people....but sometimes life can be tough. But I guess I would also like to show you something that another person submitted to the site that portrays how I have been feeling lately:

For me, it has always been important to be the "strong" one.......I have felt that I have needed to for sooooo many different things that have happened in my life. But I have come to realize over the last few months.........I really am not as strong as I once thought (VERY hard revelation). Sure, it still hurts to write that.......as I prefer to be the strong one ALWAYS helping others. However, I must remember, and like to think that even through hard times......that maybe this phase and different things I am experiencing will one day help someone else. Help someone else not to hide behind that mask. Yes, I really do hope so........................ Because HOPE......it is something to live for!

Ohhh.....and for a small disclaimer.....even though I have struggles right now....if you are a friend reading this.....ALWAYS feel you can still come to me for comfort.......I am always here to listen!!! ;-)

Thoughts.....

I have had a pretty nice weekend, and I am thankful for that. I am taking a little break from grading my students' papers to write a posting.

Last night I got to see my stepsister, Heather. Yes, I still call her my stepsister even though her dad and my mom divorced 9 years ago. Wow, 9 years......that is so hard to believe. However, I grew up with her as a child. I would see her every other weekend from the age of 7 to 22 (minus when I was away at college during the year). We were sharing many different memories last night. She has turned into such a beautiful young lady. As I sat across the table from her last night.....it just brought back so many memories. She doesn't seem old enough to have 2 adorable children now. I mean she is about to turn 28, but still. As I get older I have just become more and more thankful for my siblings. I am thankful that Shane, Abby and I have gotten closer. We have made it through a lot together.

Yesterday afternoon I felt some anxiety coming about (that is not unusual, of course....often a daily occurrence). At times there are reasons, and other times there are not as to why I am anxious. However, I did try to reflect to determine if there was a reason for this anxiety. And as I reflected.......I was wondering if part of it was the fact that seeing Heather tonight would make me think a bit more about John....his suicide.....growing up with him...... Don't get me wrong, I couldn't wait to see Heather. I had not seen her for almost 2 years, we have only kept in contact via email. But yet, the reality is.....she, my sister Abby and I were there through all of the chaos after John's suicide. I think we shall forever be bonded in a different sort of way. Of course, we always will, as I still consider her my sister, and of course, Abby is my sister.......but this bonding is different.......

I never brought up anything about the suicide last night.....as typically I am not one to share as of recent (but yet that hurt is still there for me in the pit of my stomach). We did share some silly stories about how we would tease my younger sister.....by holding her down and tickling her.....and we would get her to hit her head on the wall......too funny. Poor Abby being the youngest. But there was something fun and serene about being together.

Every Sunday I read this website called PostSecret. It started out as a suicide prevention site. For some reason I love this site. This week's postings were not as big as some week's.......but it gives you a glimpse into other's hearts.....their secrets....their pain......things they feel they cannot share with others. Although I like this site, it makes me sad that many feel so judged in this world that they must keep things bottled up.....that they have no one to turn to.....that suicide or self harm or sending someone else their secret is all they have left. I mean don't get me wrong, if sending their secret to this site gives them freedom, then by all means keep them coming. But anyway, my heart often pains each week I read these stories...... http://www.postsecret.com/2010/06/sunday-secrets_13.html

I have had some struggles/difficulties as of recently.....and I just want to say thank you to my good friend Genny for being such a great, supportive and non-judgemental friend - I love you!

So, in typically photo Amy fashion......some photos -


















****My sister Ab, brother Shane, stepsister Heather and ME - all four of us!! Horray
















***Heather, Me and Abby!!!!
















***My best friend Genny (in the middle) and Heather! Thank you "G" for everything!