I saw this quote today.........
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? ... Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do... It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”----from A Return to Love, by Marianne Williamson
Yes, I know, my blogs have not necessarily been the most uplifting as of lately. But as I said yesterday, this is my ONE place where I feel I can be honest.....and I think it is because I know hardly anyone reads it.........
But I came across this quote today when reading quotes on facebook. First of all, I L-O-V-E quotes. Geesh....I find meaning in so many different quotes.....but this one spoke to me today. I have had a VERY strange day......and will just leave it at that. Thus, this spoke to me....
I WISH that "I felt" (what the quote states above)....."Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure." Oh gosh......how I want to feel powerful....or maybe I should say strong. I want to feel strong...... Why am I allowing myself to let certain life circumstances take this away from me? Why am I allowing others or situations to make me "not" feel powerful and strong? Why am I so impacted by what is going on around me. Not to sound selfish.....but why can't I just focus on ME!!!!!!?????
I also liked this part of the quote, "Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you." I use to feel pretty secure about who I am......not allowing others or situations to impact me....but as of lately (I am about to be very vulnerable), I have felt very insecure. Granted, I am insecure physically by the weight I have gained over the last few years.....but it is WAAAAAAY more than that. I can get beyond that at times, but lately, I have felt a bit "shrunk back" by even who I am. Some of this is from my own self reflection......and some from allowing others to let me feel this way. No, none of my friends are doing this to me........I am allowing this to happen........
I would like to think the last 8+ months has been a time of self-discovery (albeit, damn hard), but a time of learning..... Though right now I am soooooo damn exhausted I just want to feel normal again..... I don't want to have to find ways to muster energy to just go out with friends.....friends whom I love. I want to feel happy and confident......I want to feel LIKE ME AGAIN!!!
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Comforting......
So, as I was reflecting this morning, I was thinking about how thankful I am for this blog. It is funny because I know very few read it (which is fine, and honestly, preferable), but it has really been a comfort to me as of recently (which as I have stated many times, I think is strange coming from an extrovert). I feel that I am able to get some thoughts and feelings out on "paper" that I do not want to bother others with (i.e. talking about.....though I would sooooo prefer to talk and analyze with someone, but don't at all want to be a bother).
I think this blog has helped me somewhat to be the "typical" Amy people are use to. It gives me strength to get "some stuff out"........gain a "little" energy to put forth for others. Sure, there are still plenty of times where I have to put on the happy face that everyone expects, though I may not be feeling it inside......but hey......I can't help it....I am a people pleaser and making others happy is more important to me.
It has been a VERY busy last 4 or so months, socially (which is great, I love to be social....and often set stuff up), but it has also left me feeling exhausted at times.......needing a day of downtime (which is unusal for me.....usually I can go, go, go). For example yesterday, I had no energy to do anything until I had to get ready to go to a friend's house to play Bunko (ummmm....that means not showering until 4:15 - ha). I wasn't even sure I would be able to muster up the energy for that (go to Bunko).....but I did thankfully, and it was FUN. Granted.....this could be also partially do to my return from Vegas and the jetlag. ;-)
But it is somewhat freeing to be able to type in this blog........I am not that strong internally as of recent......I get exhausted and don't always feel I can be my "typical and usual" self. However, I do find ways to re-energizer (or at least try), because bringing smiles to others faces is what is more important to me. Thus, if I can get "some of it out" in this blog (nothing too deep), then so be it.
This morning I was reading one of the Postsecret books. Yes, I know I have mentioned this website/books, etc. a few times in my blogs. It is soooooooo interesting to me that people feel they must keep secrets, or that some of the secrets they share on these postcards they do consider secrets.....that they cannot tell others. At times I find these secrets interesting, freeing, humbling, painful, happy and downright sad (I cried this morning over one --probably a few--of them). But anyway, it really got me thinking about myself......I really do not think I have any secrets that at least one person doesn't know. Sure, I am pretty open, but I have tact and know what to share when (for the most part). But honestly, maybe I am boring.........but I think I just talk openly about my feelings and am a pretty honest person (not saying any of these people that send in secrets are not honest). Not sure if this is good or bad..... But I do not think I could keep a secret inside that I couldn't tell at least someone.....some close friend/husband. I think I would burst. ;-)
But I do think that the "mask" I have to put on from time to time recently (acting totally happy and fine when deep inside I am not), is somewhat a secret (because MOST ----actually virtually all people have no idea I am doing this). But at the same time, I am pretty open with admitting I am a people pleaser......thus if I need to do something to keep harmony or make someone else feel better, I will.
This particular postcard touched me this morning........"I've put off telling my mother that I am depressed and need help........cause I'm afraid she'd be angry that I am not the perfect daughter she thinks I am...."
This secret made me cry......"My wife loves me. After 25 years, I've finally realized that is the only reason I love her. It's not enough reason to stay and not enough reason to leave."
I will leave you with one other touching "secret"....."I have a void that can't be filled. (not even by you)."
As much as I want to tell all of these people (in these books) to be themselves.....feel free....don't feel judged, I know that is a bit hypocritical of me right now.....considering.....I have been "faking it" at times lately, which is the complete opposite of what I value in people.
But boy.....how I long to help these people......to be that one person to listen, to tell them they are normal, that their secret is okay.....that if they want to do something about it......figure out what is best for THEM..........oh how I wish I COULD HELP! ;-)
Thank you "my blog" for being my comfort as of recent!!!! ;-)
I think this blog has helped me somewhat to be the "typical" Amy people are use to. It gives me strength to get "some stuff out"........gain a "little" energy to put forth for others. Sure, there are still plenty of times where I have to put on the happy face that everyone expects, though I may not be feeling it inside......but hey......I can't help it....I am a people pleaser and making others happy is more important to me.
It has been a VERY busy last 4 or so months, socially (which is great, I love to be social....and often set stuff up), but it has also left me feeling exhausted at times.......needing a day of downtime (which is unusal for me.....usually I can go, go, go). For example yesterday, I had no energy to do anything until I had to get ready to go to a friend's house to play Bunko (ummmm....that means not showering until 4:15 - ha). I wasn't even sure I would be able to muster up the energy for that (go to Bunko).....but I did thankfully, and it was FUN. Granted.....this could be also partially do to my return from Vegas and the jetlag. ;-)
But it is somewhat freeing to be able to type in this blog........I am not that strong internally as of recent......I get exhausted and don't always feel I can be my "typical and usual" self. However, I do find ways to re-energizer (or at least try), because bringing smiles to others faces is what is more important to me. Thus, if I can get "some of it out" in this blog (nothing too deep), then so be it.
This morning I was reading one of the Postsecret books. Yes, I know I have mentioned this website/books, etc. a few times in my blogs. It is soooooooo interesting to me that people feel they must keep secrets, or that some of the secrets they share on these postcards they do consider secrets.....that they cannot tell others. At times I find these secrets interesting, freeing, humbling, painful, happy and downright sad (I cried this morning over one --probably a few--of them). But anyway, it really got me thinking about myself......I really do not think I have any secrets that at least one person doesn't know. Sure, I am pretty open, but I have tact and know what to share when (for the most part). But honestly, maybe I am boring.........but I think I just talk openly about my feelings and am a pretty honest person (not saying any of these people that send in secrets are not honest). Not sure if this is good or bad..... But I do not think I could keep a secret inside that I couldn't tell at least someone.....some close friend/husband. I think I would burst. ;-)
But I do think that the "mask" I have to put on from time to time recently (acting totally happy and fine when deep inside I am not), is somewhat a secret (because MOST ----actually virtually all people have no idea I am doing this). But at the same time, I am pretty open with admitting I am a people pleaser......thus if I need to do something to keep harmony or make someone else feel better, I will.
This particular postcard touched me this morning........"I've put off telling my mother that I am depressed and need help........cause I'm afraid she'd be angry that I am not the perfect daughter she thinks I am...."
This secret made me cry......"My wife loves me. After 25 years, I've finally realized that is the only reason I love her. It's not enough reason to stay and not enough reason to leave."
I will leave you with one other touching "secret"....."I have a void that can't be filled. (not even by you)."
As much as I want to tell all of these people (in these books) to be themselves.....feel free....don't feel judged, I know that is a bit hypocritical of me right now.....considering.....I have been "faking it" at times lately, which is the complete opposite of what I value in people.
But boy.....how I long to help these people......to be that one person to listen, to tell them they are normal, that their secret is okay.....that if they want to do something about it......figure out what is best for THEM..........oh how I wish I COULD HELP! ;-)
Thank you "my blog" for being my comfort as of recent!!!! ;-)
Saturday, July 17, 2010
Some thoughts........
Okay, so I posted the following quote the other day.....but this morning I am feeling a bit "down"....perhaps is the word. So, I thought I would move the quote up and just talk about it....because it had a profound impact on me when I read it this week. Maybe not quite as much as the Julia Roberts movie (ha), but an impact nonetheless. Here it is....
"20 years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover." - by Mark Twain.
Perhaps this goes back to my life feeling so unbalanced right now....and when I say unbalanced, I am not necessarily talking about the depression.....I am just talking about "my" life feeling unbalanced....out of sorts.......disconnected to who I am.... Though, not completely at all times, there are a few select people (2-3)......that without knowing.....make me happy and I feel a bit more connected genuinely in their presence.
I think for soooo long, no actually I know, for sooooo long I have thought life was suppose to work out a certain way, especially my life. I was (and still to a degree) am a planner. I mean hell, I had my life planned out at like 20. I remember looking at Matt while we are dating saying (at like age 20)...we are going to get married right after college at 22, and have 2 kids, one at 25 and one at 27.... Geesh.....was I delusional. ;-) Granted, that is also coming for a 20 year old (who knows, I may have actually been 19 - ha). But I totally remember that conversation one day when we met at the WalMart in Marysville during a Summer slurping a slushy.
I learned within the first year of graduating from college that things do not always go as planned. I learned slowly how to deal with it....to let go of my preconceived notions.....to be more flexible and spontaneous, and honestly as I look back I am fine with this. I appreciate learning this. Then the "hard" things in life began to take place (2003... and on)......and as I look back....I was almost a robot going through to motions from day-to-day......trying to operate....do the best I could at EVERYTHING in my life because I am such a perfectionist. I knew when I decided to end my Residence Life career at Malone in 2006 that this was because there was absolutely NOTHING left in me to give to others. That pained me as I love to give and invest in others. It broke my heart, but I knew it was not fair to continue when I couldn't give 100%.
I am somewhat feeling that way again..........I sooooo want to give, give, give to others.....but also know there is not much left in me, and I hate this. Hence.....I MUST find balance. But I am also reminded of the quote above.....and how we need to take chances....we need to explore, dream and discover..... I think I love this quote because I have "sort of" begun that journey......but maybe only like 10% into it - ha. I know there will be many hardships ahead.......but I need to remember to take chances......not fall back on my preconceived notions of how things "should be" that so naturally comes to me (well it use to....not as much anymore).......
I want to set sail.....I want to learn......I want to find balance.....I so desperately want to become stronger......
"20 years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover." - by Mark Twain.
Perhaps this goes back to my life feeling so unbalanced right now....and when I say unbalanced, I am not necessarily talking about the depression.....I am just talking about "my" life feeling unbalanced....out of sorts.......disconnected to who I am.... Though, not completely at all times, there are a few select people (2-3)......that without knowing.....make me happy and I feel a bit more connected genuinely in their presence.
I think for soooo long, no actually I know, for sooooo long I have thought life was suppose to work out a certain way, especially my life. I was (and still to a degree) am a planner. I mean hell, I had my life planned out at like 20. I remember looking at Matt while we are dating saying (at like age 20)...we are going to get married right after college at 22, and have 2 kids, one at 25 and one at 27.... Geesh.....was I delusional. ;-) Granted, that is also coming for a 20 year old (who knows, I may have actually been 19 - ha). But I totally remember that conversation one day when we met at the WalMart in Marysville during a Summer slurping a slushy.
I learned within the first year of graduating from college that things do not always go as planned. I learned slowly how to deal with it....to let go of my preconceived notions.....to be more flexible and spontaneous, and honestly as I look back I am fine with this. I appreciate learning this. Then the "hard" things in life began to take place (2003... and on)......and as I look back....I was almost a robot going through to motions from day-to-day......trying to operate....do the best I could at EVERYTHING in my life because I am such a perfectionist. I knew when I decided to end my Residence Life career at Malone in 2006 that this was because there was absolutely NOTHING left in me to give to others. That pained me as I love to give and invest in others. It broke my heart, but I knew it was not fair to continue when I couldn't give 100%.
I am somewhat feeling that way again..........I sooooo want to give, give, give to others.....but also know there is not much left in me, and I hate this. Hence.....I MUST find balance. But I am also reminded of the quote above.....and how we need to take chances....we need to explore, dream and discover..... I think I love this quote because I have "sort of" begun that journey......but maybe only like 10% into it - ha. I know there will be many hardships ahead.......but I need to remember to take chances......not fall back on my preconceived notions of how things "should be" that so naturally comes to me (well it use to....not as much anymore).......
I want to set sail.....I want to learn......I want to find balance.....I so desperately want to become stronger......
Friday, July 16, 2010
Express Yourself......
I think this may be a hodgepodge of thoughts.....as my mind is kind of thinking in a few different directions right now. I cannot believe this is like my third blog this week......strange for an extrovert (in my opinion) to find this therapeutic......but this week I certainly have. The blog I wrote last night totally helped me get some thoughts and ideas out......ideas and thoughts I NEEDED to get out.
But anyway, I was on the postsecret community website, and I just cannot express how moved I become by this site. Each week they post "new" secrets from others ( you can find it on the left side of my blog). But they also have a community website. I was reading through some of these
"secrets" again today.......and it just burns that desire even brighter within me that wants to help others in some way....... I just want every person on this earth not to feel judged.....and to be able to be "who" they want to be. What have we learned as a society that has caused us to shun people or be judgemental......hurtful??? Granted, believe me, I am by no means saying I am perfect. I am sure I hurt people sometimes.....but I try so hard to think before I talk......to encourage and help if needed....... I also think, thankfully......my mind naturally is more open and accepting of diversity in many ways.
I saw this postcard that was sent in and it touched me.......
Obviously, I have no idea what exactly this person was referring to (the event). It could have been a friend/relative that was dying of cancer or a disease, it could have to do with suicide, heck, perhaps this author's version of death was that this person left him/her. Regardless, it reminds me of how important it is to express what we are feeling. At this moment I am referring to sharing your feelings with others......being open.....letting them know you care about them. Of course, I am all about that....whether it be that I verbalize it, send a card, get a small gift, or even through hugs (a few of the ways I show I care). I want people special to me to know they are special. I know that it may make some uncomfortable....but to be honest.....I don't care (well I do.......) but I just want them to know they are cared about.
I wish that everyone did this.......shared their feelings and care. Of course, I am by no means saying I am prefect at it, but think of it as a challenge for me and for others. Don't wait until someone is "dead" to tell them you love them or care about them (it will just make it that much harder on you). None of us know how long we will be here. I know, I know......I have written about this before......but I am constantly reminded.
Maybe perhaps deep down........I want others that care about me to show it more often......yes...a selfish statement....and not why I am writing this at all.......but it makes you feel soooooo much better. I cannot even express the happiness I get from a card.....encouraging words.....people sharing with me (yes, this makes me feel loved), HUGS (I LOVE HUGS).........
So, all of this to say.....jump out of your comfort zone.......let others know you care!!! ;-)
Of course, this postcard (above) also made me think of John a bit.....and others that have lost someone to suicide.... Of course, this may not be the author's reasoning for creating this postcard, but it did make me think of John. The anniversary of his suicide is a little over a month away.......and the anniversary of losing my Grandpa to UGLY cancer is a little less than a month away.....August is kinda a hard month. Not sure why death and losing someone impacts me the way it does....but it does.
I thought this postcard secret was encouraging (below).....and just a reminder of how we should always make ourselves available for others.....especially in times of need:
But anyway, I was on the postsecret community website, and I just cannot express how moved I become by this site. Each week they post "new" secrets from others ( you can find it on the left side of my blog). But they also have a community website. I was reading through some of these
"secrets" again today.......and it just burns that desire even brighter within me that wants to help others in some way....... I just want every person on this earth not to feel judged.....and to be able to be "who" they want to be. What have we learned as a society that has caused us to shun people or be judgemental......hurtful??? Granted, believe me, I am by no means saying I am perfect. I am sure I hurt people sometimes.....but I try so hard to think before I talk......to encourage and help if needed....... I also think, thankfully......my mind naturally is more open and accepting of diversity in many ways.
I saw this postcard that was sent in and it touched me.......
Obviously, I have no idea what exactly this person was referring to (the event). It could have been a friend/relative that was dying of cancer or a disease, it could have to do with suicide, heck, perhaps this author's version of death was that this person left him/her. Regardless, it reminds me of how important it is to express what we are feeling. At this moment I am referring to sharing your feelings with others......being open.....letting them know you care about them. Of course, I am all about that....whether it be that I verbalize it, send a card, get a small gift, or even through hugs (a few of the ways I show I care). I want people special to me to know they are special. I know that it may make some uncomfortable....but to be honest.....I don't care (well I do.......) but I just want them to know they are cared about.
I wish that everyone did this.......shared their feelings and care. Of course, I am by no means saying I am prefect at it, but think of it as a challenge for me and for others. Don't wait until someone is "dead" to tell them you love them or care about them (it will just make it that much harder on you). None of us know how long we will be here. I know, I know......I have written about this before......but I am constantly reminded.
Maybe perhaps deep down........I want others that care about me to show it more often......yes...a selfish statement....and not why I am writing this at all.......but it makes you feel soooooo much better. I cannot even express the happiness I get from a card.....encouraging words.....people sharing with me (yes, this makes me feel loved), HUGS (I LOVE HUGS).........
So, all of this to say.....jump out of your comfort zone.......let others know you care!!! ;-)
Of course, this postcard (above) also made me think of John a bit.....and others that have lost someone to suicide.... Of course, this may not be the author's reasoning for creating this postcard, but it did make me think of John. The anniversary of his suicide is a little over a month away.......and the anniversary of losing my Grandpa to UGLY cancer is a little less than a month away.....August is kinda a hard month. Not sure why death and losing someone impacts me the way it does....but it does.
I thought this postcard secret was encouraging (below).....and just a reminder of how we should always make ourselves available for others.....especially in times of need:
Thursday, July 15, 2010
Trying to find BALANCE
While watching "Eclipse" with my lovely sister the other day, I saw a preview for Julie Robert's new movie, "Eat Pray Love".....here is the trailer - WATCH IT!!!!
http://www.imdb.com/video/imdb/vi2996176409/
OMG......can I say how much this movie trailer resonated with me. It was almost like an "out of body experience" when I saw it. No, don't worry, I am not quiting the job I love to travel around the world.....but so much has been going on inside of me over the last 6-7+ months.....that I have been trying so hard to figure it out (which I am usually good at). I am a pretty self-aware person. I mean I do not claim to be super intelligent at all.....but I fairly understand myself....and have really thought through many different life experiences and worked through them (and am aware of them).....but boy, for some reason.......something has just been going on inside of me over the last few months.....which is why I haven't blogged much......because I cannot entirely explain it because I haven't figured it out..........nor should I probably be that vulnerable.....my last blog probably gave you a little of an glimpse.....
Anyway, I CANNOT wait to see this movie!!! Obviously, I am entirely going by the preview....but a few things got me thinking.
The most important:
1. I have been trying like nothing other than to find BALANCE in my life - or "MY" balance (as selfish as that may seem)! I still do not know entirely what that looks like, nor did I really have the revelation I was trying to find balance until I watched this preview (yes, cheesey). I think I have been subconsciously trying to find it lately.
For example, I have a diverse amount of friends (many different personalities...and I love each of them). Recently at my 31st birthday party (I already knew), but I had a good friend remark...you had a diverse (personalities) amount of people at that party....and I thought...yes, you are right. And as I started to analyze that (surprise).....it made me think....that so many of my friends represnt/bring some sort of balance in my life currently. Some are friends I would certainly not "nautually" be friends with....but due to life circumstances...are thankful for their friendships and what they bring to my life right now. Sure, I do not share every dark and deep secret with each of these different people, but they do not call or ask for that. They are my friends for different reasons. Perhaps they need me.....perhaps I just need their personality and balance in my life right now....and we just hit it off and are great. That sounds a bit like I am using someone and that would be the farthest from the truth. NEVER EVER would I use someone in my life. If I spend time with someone on my "own time" it is because I legitimately want to. I am so thankful for the different people in my life right now. I am thankful for the diversity....the diversity in personalities.....in life views......in just everything about them. I am also SO VERY THANKFUL that they want to spend time with me. That they value me for WHO I am!!!! Thank you for helping me through this difficult time.....though many of you have no idea that you are. ;-)
Friendships have ALWAYS been important to me.....so vitally important to my being. So, I am thankful and treasure every person in my life and am thankful that they want to be a part of my life. I only hope that I bring some happiness to their life. But regardless, thank you for the balance and wholeness you are bringing to my life without even knowing it......and thank you for being you....and for sharing....caring....and being "who" you are!!!!
Sure there is really only one friend I share almost everything with........but regardless, all of my friends mean so much and I have shared an aspect of me with each of them....or I have been there for them to share and help in their lives....which I feel so honored to be a part of.
So, I think this shows a small example of how I am trying to find balance in my life. Since people are important to me this helps. However, at the same time.......I know I NEED to figure out what balance truly is in my life on my own......and I certainly am not there yet......oh....the journey continues..... ;-)
2. So, another part of of the preview talks about "letting yourself go".....now I know in NO WAY have I reached this part of the deep thought.....but in tiny ways.....I have done things over the last 5 or so months that are out of my "innocent" (and I use that in loose terms) character........but I have loved and been thankful for every minute of it (for better or worse).....I have learned......and life is all about learning.....and growing..... I have loved the thrill.....I want to let myself go... I don't want to get in trouble......but I like the feeling of freedom......(no not freedom from my marriage....let me clarify that).......but freedom within myself that I have never experienced before in my life...... Sure maybe some of my choices have not been the smartest for a 31 year old.......but god darn it......I need to figure myself out even more than I already have........ The funny thing is......at 30......even before, I thought I had myself all figured out.....but I continue to learn about myself.....try to learn who I am...try to "better" myself through my experiences.
But I also need to learn how to let go of so many things going on around me. I need to learn to let go everyday to things that may not go according to how I want.....or think they should. I need to not take everything so personal........ I need to learn how to stop being a people pleaser.....and just "let go" and live an anxiety-free life (sounds nice, aye?)
3. However, I do resonate with her "want to marvel at something......to feeeeel good about something".......with this "depression" (yes I said the word).......I truly want to marvel at something and TRULY feel good about something......oh how I long for that........ I don't know what that would be. Honestly....I partly think to me......it doesn't have to be traveling overseas....but finding a good mentor/friend/wise person that can help me through this journey called life (share with me/listen/be honest/care). I LOVE and loooooong for relationships. That is what is most important to me in this life............so at this point I think that my "marvel" may be in confiding and seeking advice and learning from someone wiser than me..........this is something I have longed for, for SUCH A LONG TIME. I remember having a long conversation with my friend Steph back in like 2002-2003......talking about how I have longed for this.....for over 8 years.....someone I have a connection with that is wiser....that I can share with and learn from (obviously a woman).
Then after I learn even more......maybe I could travel just to marvel and learn about different things.... ;-)
4. Another aspect of the preview I loved was when the man said "clear the space in your mind and the universe would rush in"..........oh how I long to clear my mind. I am constantly analyzing....... I think way too much about others....pleasing them....I think about myself.......I just want to be CLEAR.........I want to be open....and let what is suppose to come in......COME IN.......I LOVED this idea.......especially coming from a gosh darn people pleaser....and one that constantly analyzes everything in her mind without always verbalizing it (yes, strange coming from me). :-)
5. During the preview they also had the following words come across the screen....hope, faith, courage.......I thought this was AMAZING and some strong words to use. Hope....well.....I could not even go into that word without crying tonight. I am currently having one of my friend's roommates complete a painting for my office that says "hope" if that tells you anything. Hope is sooooooo important to me for sooooooo many reasons. I love the word and it has sooooo many meanings to me.....meanings I will not share in this blog as they are too vulnerable. But....faith......for me.....I do not have much faith in religion at this point....but faith in people is important to me. I only choose to surround myself with those that I can have faith in.....those that are genuine.....and of course, faith about the future. Finally, courage......oh courage....something I always thought I possessed considering everything I have been through.....but lately have felt FAR from courageous. I hope it comes back someday......I hope I feel courage again one day soon.....I want balance (hence the blog).....I want courage.....I want to feel "normal" again...the normal Amy that doesn't have to "put on a mask".......one that is always genuine....actually I am normally genuine.....but for a select few lately haven't been......so I feel bad about that. That is soooooo NOT who I am at all!!! To be ingenuine is the opposite of who I am.....but yet....I have that conflict of people-pleasing that creches up and causes me to put on my happy....silly...entertaining face even though it may not be genuine (ughhhh....I am soooo sorry for this). I am pretty positive no one realizes this unless they really know me.....but I realize this....as I have been so exhausted lately putting on a show.....so I am sorry!!!
6. Finally, the lovely preview talks about how your life changing experience (as Julia is experiencing) should make you stronger. I really hope my current journey makes me stronger. ;-) I am all about being a strong and independent woman - ha!!! In all seriousness though.....I know life "should" make us stronger, but currently it is hard for me to see this. I hope once I come out of this difficult journey, I can look back and notice that I am stronger!!!! Oh, how I value strength....especially in me. I want to be a strong and independent woman....and just a strong individual overall. Not sure why I value this so much in myself.....but I do.
Okay....all of this babble....and this movie probably isn't even what the preview portrayed - ha!!! ;-) Regardless it got me thinking and hitting me right where I am at.......thank you "preview" for helping me think and process and hopefully grow. I can't wait for the movie to come out!!!!
http://www.imdb.com/video/imdb/vi2996176409/
OMG......can I say how much this movie trailer resonated with me. It was almost like an "out of body experience" when I saw it. No, don't worry, I am not quiting the job I love to travel around the world.....but so much has been going on inside of me over the last 6-7+ months.....that I have been trying so hard to figure it out (which I am usually good at). I am a pretty self-aware person. I mean I do not claim to be super intelligent at all.....but I fairly understand myself....and have really thought through many different life experiences and worked through them (and am aware of them).....but boy, for some reason.......something has just been going on inside of me over the last few months.....which is why I haven't blogged much......because I cannot entirely explain it because I haven't figured it out..........nor should I probably be that vulnerable.....my last blog probably gave you a little of an glimpse.....
Anyway, I CANNOT wait to see this movie!!! Obviously, I am entirely going by the preview....but a few things got me thinking.
The most important:
1. I have been trying like nothing other than to find BALANCE in my life - or "MY" balance (as selfish as that may seem)! I still do not know entirely what that looks like, nor did I really have the revelation I was trying to find balance until I watched this preview (yes, cheesey). I think I have been subconsciously trying to find it lately.
For example, I have a diverse amount of friends (many different personalities...and I love each of them). Recently at my 31st birthday party (I already knew), but I had a good friend remark...you had a diverse (personalities) amount of people at that party....and I thought...yes, you are right. And as I started to analyze that (surprise).....it made me think....that so many of my friends represnt/bring some sort of balance in my life currently. Some are friends I would certainly not "nautually" be friends with....but due to life circumstances...are thankful for their friendships and what they bring to my life right now. Sure, I do not share every dark and deep secret with each of these different people, but they do not call or ask for that. They are my friends for different reasons. Perhaps they need me.....perhaps I just need their personality and balance in my life right now....and we just hit it off and are great. That sounds a bit like I am using someone and that would be the farthest from the truth. NEVER EVER would I use someone in my life. If I spend time with someone on my "own time" it is because I legitimately want to. I am so thankful for the different people in my life right now. I am thankful for the diversity....the diversity in personalities.....in life views......in just everything about them. I am also SO VERY THANKFUL that they want to spend time with me. That they value me for WHO I am!!!! Thank you for helping me through this difficult time.....though many of you have no idea that you are. ;-)
Friendships have ALWAYS been important to me.....so vitally important to my being. So, I am thankful and treasure every person in my life and am thankful that they want to be a part of my life. I only hope that I bring some happiness to their life. But regardless, thank you for the balance and wholeness you are bringing to my life without even knowing it......and thank you for being you....and for sharing....caring....and being "who" you are!!!!
Sure there is really only one friend I share almost everything with........but regardless, all of my friends mean so much and I have shared an aspect of me with each of them....or I have been there for them to share and help in their lives....which I feel so honored to be a part of.
So, I think this shows a small example of how I am trying to find balance in my life. Since people are important to me this helps. However, at the same time.......I know I NEED to figure out what balance truly is in my life on my own......and I certainly am not there yet......oh....the journey continues..... ;-)
2. So, another part of of the preview talks about "letting yourself go".....now I know in NO WAY have I reached this part of the deep thought.....but in tiny ways.....I have done things over the last 5 or so months that are out of my "innocent" (and I use that in loose terms) character........but I have loved and been thankful for every minute of it (for better or worse).....I have learned......and life is all about learning.....and growing..... I have loved the thrill.....I want to let myself go... I don't want to get in trouble......but I like the feeling of freedom......(no not freedom from my marriage....let me clarify that).......but freedom within myself that I have never experienced before in my life...... Sure maybe some of my choices have not been the smartest for a 31 year old.......but god darn it......I need to figure myself out even more than I already have........ The funny thing is......at 30......even before, I thought I had myself all figured out.....but I continue to learn about myself.....try to learn who I am...try to "better" myself through my experiences.
But I also need to learn how to let go of so many things going on around me. I need to learn to let go everyday to things that may not go according to how I want.....or think they should. I need to not take everything so personal........ I need to learn how to stop being a people pleaser.....and just "let go" and live an anxiety-free life (sounds nice, aye?)
3. However, I do resonate with her "want to marvel at something......to feeeeel good about something".......with this "depression" (yes I said the word).......I truly want to marvel at something and TRULY feel good about something......oh how I long for that........ I don't know what that would be. Honestly....I partly think to me......it doesn't have to be traveling overseas....but finding a good mentor/friend/wise person that can help me through this journey called life (share with me/listen/be honest/care). I LOVE and loooooong for relationships. That is what is most important to me in this life............so at this point I think that my "marvel" may be in confiding and seeking advice and learning from someone wiser than me..........this is something I have longed for, for SUCH A LONG TIME. I remember having a long conversation with my friend Steph back in like 2002-2003......talking about how I have longed for this.....for over 8 years.....someone I have a connection with that is wiser....that I can share with and learn from (obviously a woman).
Then after I learn even more......maybe I could travel just to marvel and learn about different things.... ;-)
4. Another aspect of the preview I loved was when the man said "clear the space in your mind and the universe would rush in"..........oh how I long to clear my mind. I am constantly analyzing....... I think way too much about others....pleasing them....I think about myself.......I just want to be CLEAR.........I want to be open....and let what is suppose to come in......COME IN.......I LOVED this idea.......especially coming from a gosh darn people pleaser....and one that constantly analyzes everything in her mind without always verbalizing it (yes, strange coming from me). :-)
5. During the preview they also had the following words come across the screen....hope, faith, courage.......I thought this was AMAZING and some strong words to use. Hope....well.....I could not even go into that word without crying tonight. I am currently having one of my friend's roommates complete a painting for my office that says "hope" if that tells you anything. Hope is sooooooo important to me for sooooooo many reasons. I love the word and it has sooooo many meanings to me.....meanings I will not share in this blog as they are too vulnerable. But....faith......for me.....I do not have much faith in religion at this point....but faith in people is important to me. I only choose to surround myself with those that I can have faith in.....those that are genuine.....and of course, faith about the future. Finally, courage......oh courage....something I always thought I possessed considering everything I have been through.....but lately have felt FAR from courageous. I hope it comes back someday......I hope I feel courage again one day soon.....I want balance (hence the blog).....I want courage.....I want to feel "normal" again...the normal Amy that doesn't have to "put on a mask".......one that is always genuine....actually I am normally genuine.....but for a select few lately haven't been......so I feel bad about that. That is soooooo NOT who I am at all!!! To be ingenuine is the opposite of who I am.....but yet....I have that conflict of people-pleasing that creches up and causes me to put on my happy....silly...entertaining face even though it may not be genuine (ughhhh....I am soooo sorry for this). I am pretty positive no one realizes this unless they really know me.....but I realize this....as I have been so exhausted lately putting on a show.....so I am sorry!!!
6. Finally, the lovely preview talks about how your life changing experience (as Julia is experiencing) should make you stronger. I really hope my current journey makes me stronger. ;-) I am all about being a strong and independent woman - ha!!! In all seriousness though.....I know life "should" make us stronger, but currently it is hard for me to see this. I hope once I come out of this difficult journey, I can look back and notice that I am stronger!!!! Oh, how I value strength....especially in me. I want to be a strong and independent woman....and just a strong individual overall. Not sure why I value this so much in myself.....but I do.
Okay....all of this babble....and this movie probably isn't even what the preview portrayed - ha!!! ;-) Regardless it got me thinking and hitting me right where I am at.......thank you "preview" for helping me think and process and hopefully grow. I can't wait for the movie to come out!!!!
Sunday, July 11, 2010
Going for it......being vulnerable......
*****I originally posted this late Saturday night.....but did delete it for fear of being too vulnerable, well after receiving a very encouraging note from a great friend....I decided to re-post it and I will leave it this time. :-) You know who you are - thank you.......
Okay......so......for anyone that read my last post, I hinted towards wearing a bit of a mask lately.....well, I think I am "strong" enough just to throw it out there (especially since hardly anyone reads this). For the past 7+ months I have been struggling with some depression on top of the crazy anxiety that I already struggle with. It has sucked, to put it lightly. It has been soooooooooooooooooooooooooooo incredibly hard to put on that happy face when gosh darn it, I am not feeling it inside. It is also hard to feel a bit unsupported by those around me when they expect me to act that way.....when I am not feeling it. Granted, it is not like I have shared with many, actually hardly any of my current struggle. And who knows, I will probably delete this after a day anyway.......
But on top of the depression I am also struggling with two other things....that I think probably contribute to the depression:
1. People Pleasing - I am such a damn people pleaser and it just sucks. Sure, I LOVE LOVE LOVE people and making them happy (it brings me such joy inside). But to a degree, it has been causing me so much stress lately making sure people around me and those I care about are "pleased" and happy........and that I never do anything to make them upset. Again, as stated in previous posts, it brings me joy to make people happy.......but lately........it has been an uphill battle to always make sure people are happy, especially a few in particular. It is depleting what is left of me.
2. Pretending to be happy and act like "my normal self".....when I do not feel like it. This is somewhat what I was referring to in my previous post about the mask. Normally, I am a very upbeat, sometimes loud, love to interact with people.....and have fun...kind of person. I LOVE being around people all of the time.....having fun and investing in deep conversations when appropriate. However, lately I have been so damn E-X-H-A-U-S-T-E-D from putting on that mask. Granted, I am not always being fake, because again, that is what I normally am like (happy, social, etc.).......but there are times I barely have the strength to do it. I do not know what I need......maybe a few days of complete downtime? That seems bizarre, as I love being with people all of the time. Over the last few months I do not think there is a day, and certainly not a weekend that hasn't been jam-packed. I LOVE THIS, but the other, I guess "depressed" side of me is feel depleted......maybe needing downtime....
Selfishly........I think I need people to "give" to me......you know....earlier how I talked of being a people pleaser.......maybe I need to find some people that want to invest in me??? Or maybe I am just crazy. ;)
Well, that is a little bit of what is going on with me right now. I seriously can't believe I am typing this....again, if it is not deleted tomorrow.....that will be surprising....as being vulnerable has certainly not come easily to me lately.
Okay......so......for anyone that read my last post, I hinted towards wearing a bit of a mask lately.....well, I think I am "strong" enough just to throw it out there (especially since hardly anyone reads this). For the past 7+ months I have been struggling with some depression on top of the crazy anxiety that I already struggle with. It has sucked, to put it lightly. It has been soooooooooooooooooooooooooooo incredibly hard to put on that happy face when gosh darn it, I am not feeling it inside. It is also hard to feel a bit unsupported by those around me when they expect me to act that way.....when I am not feeling it. Granted, it is not like I have shared with many, actually hardly any of my current struggle. And who knows, I will probably delete this after a day anyway.......
But on top of the depression I am also struggling with two other things....that I think probably contribute to the depression:
1. People Pleasing - I am such a damn people pleaser and it just sucks. Sure, I LOVE LOVE LOVE people and making them happy (it brings me such joy inside). But to a degree, it has been causing me so much stress lately making sure people around me and those I care about are "pleased" and happy........and that I never do anything to make them upset. Again, as stated in previous posts, it brings me joy to make people happy.......but lately........it has been an uphill battle to always make sure people are happy, especially a few in particular. It is depleting what is left of me.
2. Pretending to be happy and act like "my normal self".....when I do not feel like it. This is somewhat what I was referring to in my previous post about the mask. Normally, I am a very upbeat, sometimes loud, love to interact with people.....and have fun...kind of person. I LOVE being around people all of the time.....having fun and investing in deep conversations when appropriate. However, lately I have been so damn E-X-H-A-U-S-T-E-D from putting on that mask. Granted, I am not always being fake, because again, that is what I normally am like (happy, social, etc.).......but there are times I barely have the strength to do it. I do not know what I need......maybe a few days of complete downtime? That seems bizarre, as I love being with people all of the time. Over the last few months I do not think there is a day, and certainly not a weekend that hasn't been jam-packed. I LOVE THIS, but the other, I guess "depressed" side of me is feel depleted......maybe needing downtime....
Selfishly........I think I need people to "give" to me......you know....earlier how I talked of being a people pleaser.......maybe I need to find some people that want to invest in me??? Or maybe I am just crazy. ;)
Well, that is a little bit of what is going on with me right now. I seriously can't believe I am typing this....again, if it is not deleted tomorrow.....that will be surprising....as being vulnerable has certainly not come easily to me lately.
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