DAMN CANCER!!!!!!

Yep, I said, it Damn Cancer! I know some may be offended by that, but I needed to attempt to use a strong word to get my point across. I know I could think of some better ones....but I shall keep this PG-13 rated. ;-)

Somehow I have been sheltered from death most of my life. Granted, I think that comes from being the oldest child, and having my parents be the oldest....and most of my family having kids very early in life (well obviously, WAAAAYYYY earlier than me). I recall losing 3 great grandparents when I was in 6th grade. I do remember them, but that didn't impact me too greatly as I was only in 6th grade, and I was not that close to them. Thinking back now.....I wish I were older to know how to comfort my grandparents whom lost their parents.....but I cannot allow myself to feel guilty about that.

Then, all of the sudden.....in my 20's......death started to impact my life. I lost my maternal great-grandma.......then my step-grandma suffered and died of throat cancer......then my great grandpa died sooner then he should have........then John committed suicide......then my amazing Grandpa Alspaugh suffered through and died from cancer........and NOW his mom (my great grandma) is dying of bone cancer. I know I have already spoken of her earlier in this blog.

I have visited her about every two weeks (as I was not able to do this with Grandpa because I was coming home from Seattle and he was at The Cancer Treatment Centers of America). Two weeks ago we (great grandma and I) had an amazing visit. She has never been much of a talker, but we did have a good little visit. I then saw a post on facebook about the middle of this past weekend from a great-aunt saying that Grandma has not be doing well and she is not eating. I remember this was when my Grandpa (her son) really started deteriorating back in August of 2005. After talking with my sister, we figured we better get to the Nursing home this weekend. And boy, am I ever so thankful that I did.

However, I was not expecting to see what I saw when I walked into the Nursing Home room. I should probably preface by saying I am an emotional wimp (that also has problems dealing with death)!! I am sure most people already know that.....and if you didn't, you have probably had some hunches after perusing my blog. But anyway, Ab and I walked into the room.....and POOR GRANDMA!!! I felt so bad for her, you could tell she was suffering, and I cannot handle seeing people suffer (yes, that is probably just a really selfish side of me). Not to mention, she looked a lot like Grandpa (her son) sitting in that room right before he died. She was very fragile, a bit yellow, her face was gaunt, and you could just tell she was unhappy, could hardly mumble and going in and out of consciousness (it was like de ja vue from August of 2005). OMG! I totally held myself together long enough to go up and give her a hug and kiss....and sit down beside her....hold her hand.....and try to talk "normal" to her.....but she could only mumble. I could not make out anything out she was saying to me. Still....trying to be sooooo strong, holding back the tears.....trying to think of things to talk about (which normally comes pretty easily for me, especially when needed). I was holding her hand....and then her daughter came in....so I backed away....and at that time burst into tears (not that Grandma saw), so Ab and I walked out into the hall. This is exactly what I did when I saw Grandpa for the last time. I fought back the tears....or for about 5 minutes.....long enough to hug him, tell him I loved them....try to find something to say.....sit down for a second.....then........those damn tears started rolling. Gosh....why am I such an emotional wimp????

Ab and I went out in the hall....she called Mom and told her she should really get out here to see Grandma as she is not doing very well at all. Mom did make it too. Grandma did verbally get out that she doesn't want to be alone......she says she knows she is about to die....and doesn't want to be alone. Oh, doesn't that break your heart?? But at the same time......I hope it goes quickly.......... Thankfully they have given her different kinds of pain medications that have helped keep the pain from bone cancer and her deteriorating body under control. That is what is most important to all of us.

But anyway, back to my main point - DAMN CANCER!!! I have met so many people over the last few years that have cancer, or are cancer survivors. Each and every one of these people are hero's in my mind. I do not care if your currently cancer-free......you have still suffered and experienced a horrible emotional roller coaster. And to those that are currently in the midst of the battle......keep fighting that battle. My heart completely goes out to you. I hope that you have wonderful family to support you during this time as it is very important.

And please....please....to everyone.....NEVER forget to say what you need to say to those that are important to you. I find it so vitally important to express your emotions at all times....letting them know how much you care about them....and I am not just talking about those that are dying of cancer or something else. You should be willing to express everyday how much you care about those around you, regardless of the current situation - even if they are perfectly healthy.

Right now I am so thankful that my strong, wonderful and amazing brother is currently 3-years cancer-free!!! He is so strong and I am so proud of him. I so deeply hope he continues to get the clean tests. I love him so much!!!

Sooooooo.....damn that cancer.....and please keep my Grandma in your thoughts........thank you!