Supporting Character.....

It is no secret that I love PostSecret.  I just wish I had known about them before they came to OSU a few years ago so that I could have heard Frank speak in person.  But anyway, I look forward to the new secrets being posted on Sunday each week.  This week this particular secret touched my heart......

I could relate to this person, but also felt sad for this person.  I can understand how this person feels in always feeling like you are supporting the person you are with at the moment......always trying to make them happy.  I do that in most of my close relationships too.  It is just who I am. I typically care much more about the person I am with and if they are feeling good, supported and cared for.  However, I am thankful that this does not lead me to rather do things alone.  I would rather be the "supporting character" any day....than spend my days alone without friends and/or family around me.  What a lonely life that would be.

But at the same time....if you are not taking care of yourself.....or if you don't have someone to support you then you can feel completely depleted (and then want to be alone). I have had many times in my life where me being the supporting one in the relationship can be too overwhelming.....it depletes me to where I have nothing more to give......to anyone.  I do not like these times.  Because not only is it hard on me emotionally, but I can't be that supporting and encouraging person I want to be in relationships.  That is hard.......  I find that it is very important to be self-aware and acknowledge when this "depleting" is happening.  You can't always stop it from happening....as I like to "give" in relationships......but at least be aware and find ways to replenish your emotional reserves.

I truly hope this person finds someone that can support him/her......or find a way to "support" people a little less. I know this can be hard, believe me I know from personal experience.  But we are constantly a work in progress, trying to learn from the past so that we can make ourselves better for the present and future.  And boy.....do I still have a lot to learn!!!  ;-)

Also, here is a link to PostSecret - http://www.postsecret.com/feeds/posts/default

Thankful!!

Just a picture to say I am thankful for my husband!! ;-)

I am not a fan of anxiety.....

As of January 3 of this year.......I officially stopped taking Xanax (as I know I have blogged in the past about my anxiety struggle)!! Horray!  That is a major accomplishment for me considering how debilitating my anxiety can be at times.  So no medication since January.  And honestly, after the first few weeks of stopping the medication I was doing pretty good.  I am confident that the Xanax made my anxiety MUCH worse (pretty common in people that take it for a prolonged time).  It was a vicious cycle....  I would be anxious, to the point I could not control it, so I would take Xanax to calm myself down.  I would get immediate relief.....but then this wonderful mood soothing medicine would make me more anxious and sometimes depressed in the long run. Wonderful, huh? 


Prior to stopping it in January, I began reading about Xanax.  For the year prior, my anxiety had been getting worse and worse.  Sure, I have struggled with it since John's suicide in August 2004, but around November'ish 2009, it was beginning to take hold of me more intensely.  Because of this I began relying more and more on Xanax.  I did go to the doctor to talk about this.  They prescribed some known antidepressants that were also suppose to help with anxiety. From February 2010-July 2010 I felt like a guinea pig as they toyed with different medications and different doses to try and help with my anxiety.  Finally in July of 2010 I realized these medications were not helping my anxiety, so why take them??  So, Xanax continued to be my friend.  The bad thing is that after taking it for 6-7 years, your body starts to grow a tolerance, thus I would need to take a higher dosage to feel the calming effects.  I stayed in communication with my family doctor about all of this.  She then recommended a substitute drug to Xanax - called Klonopin.  Once I got home from work I read about the side effects of this drug....a few big ones being - impaired motor function, short-term memory loss, hallucinations, and the list went on.  Ummm...yeah, I don't think so!! I am trying to help myself get better, not make myself worse with memory loss! I called the doctor's office the next day and told them to cancel that prescription as I would not be picking that up from the pharmacy.  After reading about Klonopin I decided to start doing more research on Xanax.....and found many bad things about it too.  At that point in November, I decided once this prescription runs out I am not going to the doctor for a refill.  Sure, I was nervous and scared that I may have withdrawal effects since I had taken it off and on for 6-7 years, but it would be worth it in the end.  Thankfully.....no side effects when I stopped taking it.  Actually after the first few weeks I was feeling better.....less fuzzy in the head.....and eventually the anxiety got better!!!  Double bonus!!


So, I have been doing pretty good since January.  I would definitely have anxiety from time to time.  But anxiety wasn't controlling me!  Horray!  But right now I do have some things going on in my life.....some life changing events taking place....and by the end of June my anxiety started rearing its ugly head hardcore!  That last week of June I would have done anything to have Xanax.....(well not really because I could have went to the doctor - but just trying to convey how intense the anxiety was).  I had a few panic attacks.  I was having episodes where I couldn't catch my breath (I am still having this problem).  I will be just sitting there and feel tightness in my chest, like I can't catch my breath. I try to breath in real deep......but I still can't catch my breath.  It sucks......but I will not go back onto medication, it just isn't for me.  I figure, this too shall pass.  I just have to ride out the wave.  But it doesn't make it any easier in the midst. 


I am also off of work right now (for two months).  Sometimes not being busy isn't the best for me.  Plus, daily I would have wonderful and good conversations with a colleague.  I know this daily interaction and connection was good for me, something I enjoyed and looked forward to.  I trust her and I enjoyed daily connection throughout the day.......but I don't have that right now.  Sure, I have had a good couple of weeks and have seen many friends.......but I know myself well enough to know that I must stay busy.  Annnnd....I am taking some current medications (completely unrelated to anything I am typing about), and these medications can contribute to some of the emotional/mood swings I have been feeling.


Soooo....all of this to say.....I just gotta remain positive and know that this anxiety will get better (as I try to convince myself while blogging this).  ;-)  Though it can appear grim and sometimes defeating in the midst.....I know it will pass.  And this blog has been helpful recently.....I am not a writer.....but it is a good way to get out some of what I have been feeling lately.

Friendship - One of Life's Greatest Gifts!!

"A friend is someone who sees through you and still enjoys the view" ~Wilma Askinas

I am very thankful for my friendships.  I would not be the person that I am if it were not for the frienships throughout my life.  Friends have always been important to me.  When I was a little kid I didn't have a lot of friends.  I was overweight and more quiet.....which means not a lot of people would hang around with you.  But I remember even at a young age dreaming about having friends.  Thankfully, in middle school I finally really started to make friends, one of these friends I am still close to at this point in my life (amazing).  I remember becoming close to a friend in high school that really started to teach me about myself.  She was one of the first friends I made that really did care about me and took the time to "really" get to know me.  But it wasn't until college that I met a friend that was like a sister to me.  I truly learned what it was to be understood and to understand someone else.  This friendship has had a profound impact on me.  I still talk to this friend, though we are not as close as we use to be because of distance, I am still so very thankful to her and the friendship that we had/have.  She was a friend that loved unconditionally, that helped me to understand myself, and the first friend where I truly felt like I could be myself around AT ALL TIMES.  This quote really makes me think of her -

"Friendships begin because, even without words, we understand how someone feels" ~Joan Walsh Anglund

Many times we didn't even have to say words, we knew exactly what the other was feeling. I have since met a couple of friends that are very similar......but this special friend from college was the first to let me know this amazing gift was possible.

Since college I have met so many people and had many friendships.  Many that are not as close anymore because I have moved so many times, but there are a few friends that I do keep in decent contact with.  For these few that I am talking about, I am thankful for how special they are and that even if we do not see each other for months at a time.....we can still pick right up where we left off.  We can still feel comfortable being who we are in eachothers presence. 

"What is a friend? I will tell you...it is someone with whom you dare to be yourself" ~Frank Crane
As I look at my life right now, I feel pretty content with those around me and am so thankful for those friendships in my life.  Sure, there are many friends and many diffent depth levels.  Some we may just catch-up every few months, but still enjoy being together.  Whereas a few others we may catch-up a bit more often.  And then there are a select couple where I feel I can truly be myself.  I am so thankful for the many different friendships that I have.  Each friend is special to me for many different reasons, but regardless, they help make my life complete.  I know I could never make it through this life without the support of my friends.  I also know I couldn't make it through this life without being a good friend to others. 

Not only are friends important to me because of what they bring to my life, but they also make my life complete by allowing me to be a good friend to them.  I enjoy being a friend that listens, doesn't judge, supports and encourages.  I hope that people see me as a good friend, as it is important to me to be that friend that others trust and can depend on.  

"Friends are those who nourish the spirit" ~Unknown

"A friend is someone who dances with you in the sunlight, and walks with you in the shadows" ~Heather Kowalski

I love these last two quotes too, as my friendships do nourish my spirit.   And I think it is very important to be a friend that will celebrate your triumphs and happy times, but will also be there to walk with you and encourage you in the midst of adversity. This is a very important aspect of friendships. 

I love my friends!!! 

Hello, my name is Amy and I am Protective

Human nature is kinda funny thing.  If we are not consciously aware of how we are acting and reacting to events and people, then it is possible we are not living life to the fullest.  True, I often analyze and evaluate my actions a bit too much, but I also want to be sure that I am learning as much as I can during this lifetime.  I want to be the best person that I can be. 

I have always known this about myself, but haven't really noticed myself doing it until more recently.  I think that life is worth taking risks, especially when it comes to friendships, but I have noticed that I don't always practice what I think.  I am VERY protective of myself, always trying to shield myself from getting hurt.  Yes, I certainly put myself out there a bit more than some, but I will only "give" for so long.  When I notice that it may not be reciprocle, no matter how close I am to that person, I will start to shut-down, sort of out of a protective mechanism.  Even though I think people are worth taking risks for, I just cannot make myself too vulnerable any more.  I certainly wasn't always this way.  Sure, deep down I have always been aware.....ready to protect, but I was willing to be more open, willing to take more chances.  Maybe it is old age, or maybe it is just fear that keeps me from doing this now??  I am not sure.

What is also interesting, is that I am also very protective of people I care about.  Hence, the title of the blog - yes, I think my parents should have named me protective.  ;-)  If you are someone that I truly care about, I will go out of my way to protect you.  I will protect you from others, from situations, from just about anything that will keep you from getting hurt.  I take that responsiblity upon myself, and usually never asked.  Honestly, it is most difficult on me....because of course, when I don't have that control.....when I can't protect someone I care about.....it hurts.  I don't like to see anyone around me having to be vulerable....hurting.....upset.....  Man oh man, what will happen one day when I have a child??  ;-) 

I am not entirely sure where this protective nature came from.  It just may be an innate part of who I am.  I think it was shaped somewhat from childhood. I remember as a kid always needing and thinking that I needed to take care of my younger siblings, even at the young age of 8.  I remember after my parents divorce, thinking I needed to take care of my mom.....scared for who she would date and marry.  I also know this behavior continued into my teenage years. 

When it comes to the MBTI, I am a ESFJ.  And according to the Keirsey Temperament Sorter - I am a Provider/Guardian.  I think this makes sense with some of what I am writing about.  I think that this label is very fitting for me.   Providers are observant, cooperative, informative, and expressive. They are greatly concerned with the health and welfare of those under their care. Again, pretty fitting. 

But the funny thing about life is that you cannot always protect.  You can't always protect yourself or others.  Yes, that is often hard for me to grasp.......  So, I need to learn how to be constantly aware and to channel this part of my personality in a positive way.

Devotion - My Grandparents

I have been close to my paternal grandparents for as long as I can remember.  Even when my parents were married, I could remember being at their house often.  I know they loved spending time with us grandkids and doing things for us.  They NEVER missed any school functions, including even attending my senior chapel from college when I had a speaking part.  Of course they were at my college and grad school graduation too.  There are not many monumental memories that I have from when I was a child that didn't have my grandparents there. (The picture above is us siblings with Grandma and Grandpa in July 2004) 

My Grandma has always been a special woman.  She has been someone that I have looked up to as she has always been a strong woman that has accomplished quite a bit herself, including serving as Union County Auditor for 16 years.  She has always been a bit more reserved, but was always good at communicating how much she cared about you.  So many people have such great respect for her as she has always had such high integrity and care for others.  My Grandma and I have always had a connection, and for this I will be forever grateful.  It would be hard to see loved one's health begin to fail, but when Grandma started falling, and having strokes in 2006 and 2007...this took a toll on me.  She has dementia (Alzheimer's), and her strokes have left her with very limited mobility.  It has been so hard to watch her endure all that she has over the last 5+ years.  I try so very hard to treat her as I always have, and talk to her about normal stuff.  Even though I am unsure if she knows what I am talking about, but even this is really hard for me.  I guess I am just weak.  I do love her so very much and am thankful for the joy she has brought and continues to bring to my life.  (The picture above was from July 2004)

My Grandpa is also special to me.  I smile as I type this....as he is a jolly guy.  He ALWAYS has a story for you.  And he LOVES to tell stories about YOU when he is with you. I have heard many stories about when I was little (before I have the memories), and for this I am grateful.  Just the other day when he called me for my birthday, he reminded me of a story he has told me often.  When I was born I had to be rushed to Children's Hospital in Columbus (keep in mind this was 1979), but when he got off work the Marysville hospital asked my Grandpa to take vials of my mom's blood down to Children's.  That just makes me laugh as NOTHING like that would happen now.  But all of this to say, my Grandpa loves being around people and telling stories.  He has always been a very hard worker, and even after retiring constantly stayed busy.  He has created and built many things on their property and in their house.  Grandpa always lights up a room when he walks in because of how friendly and outgoing he is.  (The picture above is from July 2011)

Yes, they have been involved in my life very much over the past 32 years, even taking a train to Seattle to see Matt and I when we lived there in 2004-2005.  But what has amazed me even more has been to watch my Grandpa's devotion to my Grandma as her health deteriorated.  They celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary right before Grandma started getting sick, but to this day he does not leave her side.  He takes care of her every day, all day long.  It is not an easy job as he must use a lift to get her out of bed, out of her chair, in the bathroom, to get her in her wheelchair - you get the idea.  He also feeds her and does all daily things for her.  He does this at 80 years old!  He also doesn't hesitate to take her to the hospital if things don't seem right.  He is even planning to take her to the beach in a few weeks.  It also amazes me how he talks to her and tries to include her in conversations all of the time.  He is so very good with her and to her. (The picture above is from Abby's wedding in July 2008)

In a world where it is so easy to give up and get a divorce, I take comfort in knowing that a marriage CAN go the distance.  True commitment and devotion does exist.  But it must be decision that both partners choose to make.  I love both of them so very much and I am thankful for what an example they have been to me my entire life, but especially right now as I watch my Grandpa show his true character and his devotion to my Grandma.  Thank you to both of you for being such role models to me. (The picture above is from July 2011 - my Grandpa showing his unwavering devotion)

I love you!

Here are a few more pictures from the last few years......

A picture of my Grandparents in 2004 - a collage I made for Grandpa's birthday

Grandpa with the twins in February/March 2009

Siblings and Emmi with Grandma in November 2009

Me with Grandma in Summer 2008

Emmi with Grandpa in July 2008