As of January 3 of this year.......I officially stopped taking Xanax (as I know I have blogged in the past about my anxiety struggle)!! Horray! That is a major accomplishment for me considering how debilitating my anxiety can be at times. So no medication since January. And honestly, after the first few weeks of stopping the medication I was doing pretty good. I am confident that the Xanax made my anxiety MUCH worse (pretty common in people that take it for a prolonged time). It was a vicious cycle.... I would be anxious, to the point I could not control it, so I would take Xanax to calm myself down. I would get immediate relief.....but then this wonderful mood soothing medicine would make me more anxious and sometimes depressed in the long run. Wonderful, huh?
Prior to stopping it in January, I began reading about Xanax. For the year prior, my anxiety had been getting worse and worse. Sure, I have struggled with it since John's suicide in August 2004, but around November'ish 2009, it was beginning to take hold of me more intensely. Because of this I began relying more and more on Xanax. I did go to the doctor to talk about this. They prescribed some known antidepressants that were also suppose to help with anxiety. From February 2010-July 2010 I felt like a guinea pig as they toyed with different medications and different doses to try and help with my anxiety. Finally in July of 2010 I realized these medications were not helping my anxiety, so why take them?? So, Xanax continued to be my friend. The bad thing is that after taking it for 6-7 years, your body starts to grow a tolerance, thus I would need to take a higher dosage to feel the calming effects. I stayed in communication with my family doctor about all of this. She then recommended a substitute drug to Xanax - called Klonopin. Once I got home from work I read about the side effects of this drug....a few big ones being - impaired motor function, short-term memory loss, hallucinations, and the list went on. Ummm...yeah, I don't think so!! I am trying to help myself get better, not make myself worse with memory loss! I called the doctor's office the next day and told them to cancel that prescription as I would not be picking that up from the pharmacy. After reading about Klonopin I decided to start doing more research on Xanax.....and found many bad things about it too. At that point in November, I decided once this prescription runs out I am not going to the doctor for a refill. Sure, I was nervous and scared that I may have withdrawal effects since I had taken it off and on for 6-7 years, but it would be worth it in the end. Thankfully.....no side effects when I stopped taking it. Actually after the first few weeks I was feeling better.....less fuzzy in the head.....and eventually the anxiety got better!!! Double bonus!!
So, I have been doing pretty good since January. I would definitely have anxiety from time to time. But anxiety wasn't controlling me! Horray! But right now I do have some things going on in my life.....some life changing events taking place....and by the end of June my anxiety started rearing its ugly head hardcore! That last week of June I would have done anything to have Xanax.....(well not really because I could have went to the doctor - but just trying to convey how intense the anxiety was). I had a few panic attacks. I was having episodes where I couldn't catch my breath (I am still having this problem). I will be just sitting there and feel tightness in my chest, like I can't catch my breath. I try to breath in real deep......but I still can't catch my breath. It sucks......but I will not go back onto medication, it just isn't for me. I figure, this too shall pass. I just have to ride out the wave. But it doesn't make it any easier in the midst.
I am also off of work right now (for two months). Sometimes not being busy isn't the best for me. Plus, daily I would have wonderful and good conversations with a colleague. I know this daily interaction and connection was good for me, something I enjoyed and looked forward to. I trust her and I enjoyed daily connection throughout the day.......but I don't have that right now. Sure, I have had a good couple of weeks and have seen many friends.......but I know myself well enough to know that I must stay busy. Annnnd....I am taking some current medications (completely unrelated to anything I am typing about), and these medications can contribute to some of the emotional/mood swings I have been feeling.
Soooo....all of this to say.....I just gotta remain positive and know that this anxiety will get better (as I try to convince myself while blogging this). ;-) Though it can appear grim and sometimes defeating in the midst.....I know it will pass. And this blog has been helpful recently.....I am not a writer.....but it is a good way to get out some of what I have been feeling lately.
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