Pain.....

Okay.....so....I am soooooo over my empathy!! ;-)  I am ready for it to go away.  I am tired of it making me feel pain in my heart.....making me sad....and just exhausting me.  Stop....stop!! ;-)

I suppose I already knew this, but as of recent I was reminded, I would SOOOO RATHER have something "bad" and "hurtful" happen to me rather than have it happen to someone I really care about.  Watching something bad/sad happen to someone I care about is soooooo much harder to me than actually having it happen to me.  GOSH....I feel their pain so damn deeply.  Ugghhh.......  Lately I have watched a couple of people I care about have horrible things happen in their lives, and this second situation has just sent me over the edge.  These two people are so important to me and I hate to watch them feel pain and endure such horrible things that are not fair and that they do not deserve.  I love these girls and it sucks......  Life is sooooo not fair. 

Again, as I said the other day, I know this empathy thing can be good....but I am not seeing much of the benefit as of recently.  I don't feel that I have been able to be as supportive as I should since I am feeling such intense pain internally.....that no matter how hard I try, I do not feel I can comfort this person the way that I should.  Then....that makes me feel even worse......   Uggh.....why oh why.....

And for the first time since last Autumn.....the panic attacks have been occuring over the past 2 days......GO AWAY anxiety!!!  You are not welcome!

Strength.....now already.....

Just when I think.....hey....I am trudging along through life....doing pretty well despite some of the obstacles - BAM!!!! ----> I am reminded - you need to be stronger, AMY!  So, because I am trying to learn to process some stuff more internally than externally through talking.....here I am blogging.  ;-)  

Oh boy how I wish I could "feel" less!  There are times where I am thankful that my ability to be empathetic can truly help me to understand others and meet them where they are, but then there are MANY times where I just sooo wish I could turn that ability off (or at least turn it off after I finish talking with that person).  But......that is not the way I work (turning that ability off) - I am not good at all with compartmentalizing - ughh!  These feelings can take such a toll on me, which then makes it hard to pull myself together. You would think after feeling so many things so deeply for so long I would learn how to switch that off - but no.  Here I sit at 32 years old.....struggling with learning control over my empathy, sensitivity, and well, just my darn emotions!  I sometimes wonder if I will ever learn how to do this, truly.

I do think that my sensitivity to others, and my ability to be empathetic can be a good thing, but do I turn this "good" thing into something bad (not only for my well-being), but by allowing these feelings to control me, is this leading me to selfishness?  Because these feelings can be so all-consuming, and sometimes destroying my mood, day, and just allowing me to lose control.......is this actually me focusing too much on these feelings (hence, really myself)....which would be selfishness?  I am not all about assigning good and bad tags with emotions, as I think it is important for people to work through any emotion they feel, ensuring they experience them in hopes of allowing them to heal.  But, with the way I can sometimes feel after being so involved emotionally in situations, I can't help but think it is "bad".  Perhaps I am just putting too much pressure on myself.......and really just making this vicious cycle more involved......but I can't help but wonder, as I truly do not want to be a selfish person.

For some reason I often find quotes encouraging.  I think it is mainly because I am very much encouraged by words --->and well I am in need of some encouragement right now.  A few that I found helpful today were

"We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot."
~Eleanor Roosevelt

"As I grow to understand life less and less,
I learn to love it more and more."
~Jules Renard

Of course, I do find the first quote by Eleanor encouraging, though certainly a bit overwhelming to me today also.  Depending on the situation, I sometimes don't have the most confidence, so certainly something I need to improve on.  I need to be able to look fear in the face, and not be emotional or feel defeated.  And I need to not depend on the encouragement and support of others to be able to conquer my fears - I need to learn how to be STRONG and do it myself.  

I also do like the second quote by Renard - as this is not a quote I can relate to yet.  Though, through some current personal situations.....I am slowly learning that life makes no sense and is just not fair.  So, even in this uncertainty I need to relax and just enjoy life.  There are many things to be thankful for.  I need to learn how to refocus my mind and not allow my emotions to take control of me and my thoughts.

Maybe one of these days I will have more strength to be able to control my emotions.  ;-)