Breathe......Do not hurry

Tonight while reading a wide variety of blogs, I saw this picture on a yoga blog I was reading:

This picture (and straightforward blog) really spoke to me.  Here is a link to the the blog I read.  The title of the blog was - success.  So simple, yet so profound and very difficult for me.

I would LOVE to slow down. I would love to not feel like I am under pressure constantly, or needing to feel like I must to hurry from place to place, or needing to know what I am doing next, or where I am going next, or worrying about what I am doing tomorrow, or what I am going to do next week.........  I think you get the idea.  But sadly....this is not something that comes easily to me.  When I need to be somewhere, or am planning to go some place or do something, I am always in a hurry (though I never need to be as I am a good manager of time). I get anxious if I am not in the process of getting there.  What is most sad and a bit self-defeating is that I bring this on myself.  There is not "really" anyone around me that makes me constantly "hurry"......just me and my crazy brain.  ;-)

With the start of another academic year beginning tomorrow at work, I want to try to remember this.  Just breathe......do not hurry.....in the end that will equal success in many ways.

Paying It Forward

Back in April (of 2011) I went in for my yearly OBGYN appointment and while doing my breast exam, I noticed that she kept feeling around the same location on the left breast.  My heart sank as I knew it was not going to be good news, I knew she had found something.  Sure, enough, she found a lump so she wanted to send me for a mammogram and ultrasound.  The doctor told me she didn't think it felt the same as the "bad" lumps, but she still wanted me to have it examined.

I left the office in complete disbelief.  I will never forget that walk to the car....feeling so confused and foggy.....  I remember just sitting in my car for a few minutes.......where do I begin?  Do I call Matt right now?  No, I don't want to tell him over the phone.  Should I call and talk to a friend?  How do I talk about this?  And most of all, many people have had cancer in my family.  Thankfully my brother is a survivor, but I have also lost people to cancer.  So, knowing that it is prevalent in my family is what made me most nervous about the lump.  All I could do was wait until they called me the next day with my mammogram and ultrasound appointment.

They couldn't get me in for almost a month! I could not believe it!  OSU just opened a new "James Cancer Comprehensive Breast Center" and since I need a mammogram AND ultrasound done, they needed to do it at the same time and this was the only location.  I had to wait for a month!!!  But there was so much going in with our families that I stayed pretty distracted over the next month.  I didn't really tell anyone, except a couple of close friends and immediate family members.

So, I was trudging along through May...not doing too bad.  Then on May 14, we ran our yearly "Race for the Cure".  I did this with my brother and husband (this was the 4th year in a row).  And I was still doing okay, but then as I stood in the race line with thousands of people and survivors, and I listened to them talk about breast cancer over the speakers.....it dawned on me - Holy Sh*t......I have to get a lump looked at in my breast on Monday!! I have to get a mammogram and ultrasound on my breast at the age of 31!  I "could" have cancer (that dreaded "c" word)!!  I did begin to cry at this point.  I think it felt good to let a little of it out, but definitely not at a good time.  Thankfully it was a quick cry.  ;-)

Then came Monday morning.....time for the mammogram and ultrasound.  The initial mammogram wasn't too bad.  But then they have you go out and wait for the Radiologist to look at the results.  So, there I sit in the waiting room, in my little white robe with quite a few other women.  As I look at these women I realize I am the only "young" person in here.  That was a bit scary.  Then they called me back in for another mammogram as the Radiologist wanted more pictures.  This made me nervous, and you could see the spots on the screen they were trying to capture.  After the second mammogram I sat again in the waiting area.  Then came the ultrasound.  As I was going into the ultrasound room the Sonographer told me they were watching a spot in my left breast AND my lymph nodes.  This made me freak out internally. I was soooo dang scared as I knew enough about cancer that looking at my lymph nodes is not a good thing.  That darn ultrasound lasted forever.....or at least it seemed to.  I asked her if I would know the results today, and she said yes.  So, after it was finally finished I waited in the room for a few minutes. She came back in and said........everything is fine.  She told that there is a spot on my left breast that the Radiologist wants to monitor and that I will be coming in for mammograms every 6 months for a while.  So, that was good news....but it was bittersweet because I am not entirely out of the dark as I have to come back in November, but I am fine for now.

Of course, I am sensitive to cancer period.  But now I am a bit more sensitive to breast cancer.  Today I read the following article on cnn - http://www.cnn.com/2011/US/08/04/cnnheroes.cantwell.breast.cancer/index.html?hpt=hp_t2 .  It is a fantastic article.....but I did cry through most of it.  I am thankful that is not me, but my heart goes out to these women (and men).  I also think this organization is pretty amazing - http://pinkdaisyproject.com/ .  Definitely an organization I would like to make a donation to.  I give props to this woman for paying it forward - what an amazing vision and gift to people.

Here is a picture from the Race in May

Supporting Character.....

It is no secret that I love PostSecret.  I just wish I had known about them before they came to OSU a few years ago so that I could have heard Frank speak in person.  But anyway, I look forward to the new secrets being posted on Sunday each week.  This week this particular secret touched my heart......

I could relate to this person, but also felt sad for this person.  I can understand how this person feels in always feeling like you are supporting the person you are with at the moment......always trying to make them happy.  I do that in most of my close relationships too.  It is just who I am. I typically care much more about the person I am with and if they are feeling good, supported and cared for.  However, I am thankful that this does not lead me to rather do things alone.  I would rather be the "supporting character" any day....than spend my days alone without friends and/or family around me.  What a lonely life that would be.

But at the same time....if you are not taking care of yourself.....or if you don't have someone to support you then you can feel completely depleted (and then want to be alone). I have had many times in my life where me being the supporting one in the relationship can be too overwhelming.....it depletes me to where I have nothing more to give......to anyone.  I do not like these times.  Because not only is it hard on me emotionally, but I can't be that supporting and encouraging person I want to be in relationships.  That is hard.......  I find that it is very important to be self-aware and acknowledge when this "depleting" is happening.  You can't always stop it from happening....as I like to "give" in relationships......but at least be aware and find ways to replenish your emotional reserves.

I truly hope this person finds someone that can support him/her......or find a way to "support" people a little less. I know this can be hard, believe me I know from personal experience.  But we are constantly a work in progress, trying to learn from the past so that we can make ourselves better for the present and future.  And boy.....do I still have a lot to learn!!!  ;-)

Also, here is a link to PostSecret - http://www.postsecret.com/feeds/posts/default

Thankful!!

Just a picture to say I am thankful for my husband!! ;-)

I am not a fan of anxiety.....

As of January 3 of this year.......I officially stopped taking Xanax (as I know I have blogged in the past about my anxiety struggle)!! Horray!  That is a major accomplishment for me considering how debilitating my anxiety can be at times.  So no medication since January.  And honestly, after the first few weeks of stopping the medication I was doing pretty good.  I am confident that the Xanax made my anxiety MUCH worse (pretty common in people that take it for a prolonged time).  It was a vicious cycle....  I would be anxious, to the point I could not control it, so I would take Xanax to calm myself down.  I would get immediate relief.....but then this wonderful mood soothing medicine would make me more anxious and sometimes depressed in the long run. Wonderful, huh? 


Prior to stopping it in January, I began reading about Xanax.  For the year prior, my anxiety had been getting worse and worse.  Sure, I have struggled with it since John's suicide in August 2004, but around November'ish 2009, it was beginning to take hold of me more intensely.  Because of this I began relying more and more on Xanax.  I did go to the doctor to talk about this.  They prescribed some known antidepressants that were also suppose to help with anxiety. From February 2010-July 2010 I felt like a guinea pig as they toyed with different medications and different doses to try and help with my anxiety.  Finally in July of 2010 I realized these medications were not helping my anxiety, so why take them??  So, Xanax continued to be my friend.  The bad thing is that after taking it for 6-7 years, your body starts to grow a tolerance, thus I would need to take a higher dosage to feel the calming effects.  I stayed in communication with my family doctor about all of this.  She then recommended a substitute drug to Xanax - called Klonopin.  Once I got home from work I read about the side effects of this drug....a few big ones being - impaired motor function, short-term memory loss, hallucinations, and the list went on.  Ummm...yeah, I don't think so!! I am trying to help myself get better, not make myself worse with memory loss! I called the doctor's office the next day and told them to cancel that prescription as I would not be picking that up from the pharmacy.  After reading about Klonopin I decided to start doing more research on Xanax.....and found many bad things about it too.  At that point in November, I decided once this prescription runs out I am not going to the doctor for a refill.  Sure, I was nervous and scared that I may have withdrawal effects since I had taken it off and on for 6-7 years, but it would be worth it in the end.  Thankfully.....no side effects when I stopped taking it.  Actually after the first few weeks I was feeling better.....less fuzzy in the head.....and eventually the anxiety got better!!!  Double bonus!!


So, I have been doing pretty good since January.  I would definitely have anxiety from time to time.  But anxiety wasn't controlling me!  Horray!  But right now I do have some things going on in my life.....some life changing events taking place....and by the end of June my anxiety started rearing its ugly head hardcore!  That last week of June I would have done anything to have Xanax.....(well not really because I could have went to the doctor - but just trying to convey how intense the anxiety was).  I had a few panic attacks.  I was having episodes where I couldn't catch my breath (I am still having this problem).  I will be just sitting there and feel tightness in my chest, like I can't catch my breath. I try to breath in real deep......but I still can't catch my breath.  It sucks......but I will not go back onto medication, it just isn't for me.  I figure, this too shall pass.  I just have to ride out the wave.  But it doesn't make it any easier in the midst. 


I am also off of work right now (for two months).  Sometimes not being busy isn't the best for me.  Plus, daily I would have wonderful and good conversations with a colleague.  I know this daily interaction and connection was good for me, something I enjoyed and looked forward to.  I trust her and I enjoyed daily connection throughout the day.......but I don't have that right now.  Sure, I have had a good couple of weeks and have seen many friends.......but I know myself well enough to know that I must stay busy.  Annnnd....I am taking some current medications (completely unrelated to anything I am typing about), and these medications can contribute to some of the emotional/mood swings I have been feeling.


Soooo....all of this to say.....I just gotta remain positive and know that this anxiety will get better (as I try to convince myself while blogging this).  ;-)  Though it can appear grim and sometimes defeating in the midst.....I know it will pass.  And this blog has been helpful recently.....I am not a writer.....but it is a good way to get out some of what I have been feeling lately.

Friendship - One of Life's Greatest Gifts!!

"A friend is someone who sees through you and still enjoys the view" ~Wilma Askinas

I am very thankful for my friendships.  I would not be the person that I am if it were not for the frienships throughout my life.  Friends have always been important to me.  When I was a little kid I didn't have a lot of friends.  I was overweight and more quiet.....which means not a lot of people would hang around with you.  But I remember even at a young age dreaming about having friends.  Thankfully, in middle school I finally really started to make friends, one of these friends I am still close to at this point in my life (amazing).  I remember becoming close to a friend in high school that really started to teach me about myself.  She was one of the first friends I made that really did care about me and took the time to "really" get to know me.  But it wasn't until college that I met a friend that was like a sister to me.  I truly learned what it was to be understood and to understand someone else.  This friendship has had a profound impact on me.  I still talk to this friend, though we are not as close as we use to be because of distance, I am still so very thankful to her and the friendship that we had/have.  She was a friend that loved unconditionally, that helped me to understand myself, and the first friend where I truly felt like I could be myself around AT ALL TIMES.  This quote really makes me think of her -

"Friendships begin because, even without words, we understand how someone feels" ~Joan Walsh Anglund

Many times we didn't even have to say words, we knew exactly what the other was feeling. I have since met a couple of friends that are very similar......but this special friend from college was the first to let me know this amazing gift was possible.

Since college I have met so many people and had many friendships.  Many that are not as close anymore because I have moved so many times, but there are a few friends that I do keep in decent contact with.  For these few that I am talking about, I am thankful for how special they are and that even if we do not see each other for months at a time.....we can still pick right up where we left off.  We can still feel comfortable being who we are in eachothers presence. 

"What is a friend? I will tell you...it is someone with whom you dare to be yourself" ~Frank Crane
As I look at my life right now, I feel pretty content with those around me and am so thankful for those friendships in my life.  Sure, there are many friends and many diffent depth levels.  Some we may just catch-up every few months, but still enjoy being together.  Whereas a few others we may catch-up a bit more often.  And then there are a select couple where I feel I can truly be myself.  I am so thankful for the many different friendships that I have.  Each friend is special to me for many different reasons, but regardless, they help make my life complete.  I know I could never make it through this life without the support of my friends.  I also know I couldn't make it through this life without being a good friend to others. 

Not only are friends important to me because of what they bring to my life, but they also make my life complete by allowing me to be a good friend to them.  I enjoy being a friend that listens, doesn't judge, supports and encourages.  I hope that people see me as a good friend, as it is important to me to be that friend that others trust and can depend on.  

"Friends are those who nourish the spirit" ~Unknown

"A friend is someone who dances with you in the sunlight, and walks with you in the shadows" ~Heather Kowalski

I love these last two quotes too, as my friendships do nourish my spirit.   And I think it is very important to be a friend that will celebrate your triumphs and happy times, but will also be there to walk with you and encourage you in the midst of adversity. This is a very important aspect of friendships. 

I love my friends!!! 

Hello, my name is Amy and I am Protective

Human nature is kinda funny thing.  If we are not consciously aware of how we are acting and reacting to events and people, then it is possible we are not living life to the fullest.  True, I often analyze and evaluate my actions a bit too much, but I also want to be sure that I am learning as much as I can during this lifetime.  I want to be the best person that I can be. 

I have always known this about myself, but haven't really noticed myself doing it until more recently.  I think that life is worth taking risks, especially when it comes to friendships, but I have noticed that I don't always practice what I think.  I am VERY protective of myself, always trying to shield myself from getting hurt.  Yes, I certainly put myself out there a bit more than some, but I will only "give" for so long.  When I notice that it may not be reciprocle, no matter how close I am to that person, I will start to shut-down, sort of out of a protective mechanism.  Even though I think people are worth taking risks for, I just cannot make myself too vulnerable any more.  I certainly wasn't always this way.  Sure, deep down I have always been aware.....ready to protect, but I was willing to be more open, willing to take more chances.  Maybe it is old age, or maybe it is just fear that keeps me from doing this now??  I am not sure.

What is also interesting, is that I am also very protective of people I care about.  Hence, the title of the blog - yes, I think my parents should have named me protective.  ;-)  If you are someone that I truly care about, I will go out of my way to protect you.  I will protect you from others, from situations, from just about anything that will keep you from getting hurt.  I take that responsiblity upon myself, and usually never asked.  Honestly, it is most difficult on me....because of course, when I don't have that control.....when I can't protect someone I care about.....it hurts.  I don't like to see anyone around me having to be vulerable....hurting.....upset.....  Man oh man, what will happen one day when I have a child??  ;-) 

I am not entirely sure where this protective nature came from.  It just may be an innate part of who I am.  I think it was shaped somewhat from childhood. I remember as a kid always needing and thinking that I needed to take care of my younger siblings, even at the young age of 8.  I remember after my parents divorce, thinking I needed to take care of my mom.....scared for who she would date and marry.  I also know this behavior continued into my teenage years. 

When it comes to the MBTI, I am a ESFJ.  And according to the Keirsey Temperament Sorter - I am a Provider/Guardian.  I think this makes sense with some of what I am writing about.  I think that this label is very fitting for me.   Providers are observant, cooperative, informative, and expressive. They are greatly concerned with the health and welfare of those under their care. Again, pretty fitting. 

But the funny thing about life is that you cannot always protect.  You can't always protect yourself or others.  Yes, that is often hard for me to grasp.......  So, I need to learn how to be constantly aware and to channel this part of my personality in a positive way.

Devotion - My Grandparents

I have been close to my paternal grandparents for as long as I can remember.  Even when my parents were married, I could remember being at their house often.  I know they loved spending time with us grandkids and doing things for us.  They NEVER missed any school functions, including even attending my senior chapel from college when I had a speaking part.  Of course they were at my college and grad school graduation too.  There are not many monumental memories that I have from when I was a child that didn't have my grandparents there. (The picture above is us siblings with Grandma and Grandpa in July 2004) 

My Grandma has always been a special woman.  She has been someone that I have looked up to as she has always been a strong woman that has accomplished quite a bit herself, including serving as Union County Auditor for 16 years.  She has always been a bit more reserved, but was always good at communicating how much she cared about you.  So many people have such great respect for her as she has always had such high integrity and care for others.  My Grandma and I have always had a connection, and for this I will be forever grateful.  It would be hard to see loved one's health begin to fail, but when Grandma started falling, and having strokes in 2006 and 2007...this took a toll on me.  She has dementia (Alzheimer's), and her strokes have left her with very limited mobility.  It has been so hard to watch her endure all that she has over the last 5+ years.  I try so very hard to treat her as I always have, and talk to her about normal stuff.  Even though I am unsure if she knows what I am talking about, but even this is really hard for me.  I guess I am just weak.  I do love her so very much and am thankful for the joy she has brought and continues to bring to my life.  (The picture above was from July 2004)

My Grandpa is also special to me.  I smile as I type this....as he is a jolly guy.  He ALWAYS has a story for you.  And he LOVES to tell stories about YOU when he is with you. I have heard many stories about when I was little (before I have the memories), and for this I am grateful.  Just the other day when he called me for my birthday, he reminded me of a story he has told me often.  When I was born I had to be rushed to Children's Hospital in Columbus (keep in mind this was 1979), but when he got off work the Marysville hospital asked my Grandpa to take vials of my mom's blood down to Children's.  That just makes me laugh as NOTHING like that would happen now.  But all of this to say, my Grandpa loves being around people and telling stories.  He has always been a very hard worker, and even after retiring constantly stayed busy.  He has created and built many things on their property and in their house.  Grandpa always lights up a room when he walks in because of how friendly and outgoing he is.  (The picture above is from July 2011)

Yes, they have been involved in my life very much over the past 32 years, even taking a train to Seattle to see Matt and I when we lived there in 2004-2005.  But what has amazed me even more has been to watch my Grandpa's devotion to my Grandma as her health deteriorated.  They celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary right before Grandma started getting sick, but to this day he does not leave her side.  He takes care of her every day, all day long.  It is not an easy job as he must use a lift to get her out of bed, out of her chair, in the bathroom, to get her in her wheelchair - you get the idea.  He also feeds her and does all daily things for her.  He does this at 80 years old!  He also doesn't hesitate to take her to the hospital if things don't seem right.  He is even planning to take her to the beach in a few weeks.  It also amazes me how he talks to her and tries to include her in conversations all of the time.  He is so very good with her and to her. (The picture above is from Abby's wedding in July 2008)

In a world where it is so easy to give up and get a divorce, I take comfort in knowing that a marriage CAN go the distance.  True commitment and devotion does exist.  But it must be decision that both partners choose to make.  I love both of them so very much and I am thankful for what an example they have been to me my entire life, but especially right now as I watch my Grandpa show his true character and his devotion to my Grandma.  Thank you to both of you for being such role models to me. (The picture above is from July 2011 - my Grandpa showing his unwavering devotion)

I love you!

Here are a few more pictures from the last few years......

A picture of my Grandparents in 2004 - a collage I made for Grandpa's birthday

Grandpa with the twins in February/March 2009

Siblings and Emmi with Grandma in November 2009

Me with Grandma in Summer 2008

Emmi with Grandpa in July 2008

Pain.....

Okay.....so....I am soooooo over my empathy!! ;-)  I am ready for it to go away.  I am tired of it making me feel pain in my heart.....making me sad....and just exhausting me.  Stop....stop!! ;-)

I suppose I already knew this, but as of recent I was reminded, I would SOOOO RATHER have something "bad" and "hurtful" happen to me rather than have it happen to someone I really care about.  Watching something bad/sad happen to someone I care about is soooooo much harder to me than actually having it happen to me.  GOSH....I feel their pain so damn deeply.  Ugghhh.......  Lately I have watched a couple of people I care about have horrible things happen in their lives, and this second situation has just sent me over the edge.  These two people are so important to me and I hate to watch them feel pain and endure such horrible things that are not fair and that they do not deserve.  I love these girls and it sucks......  Life is sooooo not fair. 

Again, as I said the other day, I know this empathy thing can be good....but I am not seeing much of the benefit as of recently.  I don't feel that I have been able to be as supportive as I should since I am feeling such intense pain internally.....that no matter how hard I try, I do not feel I can comfort this person the way that I should.  Then....that makes me feel even worse......   Uggh.....why oh why.....

And for the first time since last Autumn.....the panic attacks have been occuring over the past 2 days......GO AWAY anxiety!!!  You are not welcome!

Strength.....now already.....

Just when I think.....hey....I am trudging along through life....doing pretty well despite some of the obstacles - BAM!!!! ----> I am reminded - you need to be stronger, AMY!  So, because I am trying to learn to process some stuff more internally than externally through talking.....here I am blogging.  ;-)  

Oh boy how I wish I could "feel" less!  There are times where I am thankful that my ability to be empathetic can truly help me to understand others and meet them where they are, but then there are MANY times where I just sooo wish I could turn that ability off (or at least turn it off after I finish talking with that person).  But......that is not the way I work (turning that ability off) - I am not good at all with compartmentalizing - ughh!  These feelings can take such a toll on me, which then makes it hard to pull myself together. You would think after feeling so many things so deeply for so long I would learn how to switch that off - but no.  Here I sit at 32 years old.....struggling with learning control over my empathy, sensitivity, and well, just my darn emotions!  I sometimes wonder if I will ever learn how to do this, truly.

I do think that my sensitivity to others, and my ability to be empathetic can be a good thing, but do I turn this "good" thing into something bad (not only for my well-being), but by allowing these feelings to control me, is this leading me to selfishness?  Because these feelings can be so all-consuming, and sometimes destroying my mood, day, and just allowing me to lose control.......is this actually me focusing too much on these feelings (hence, really myself)....which would be selfishness?  I am not all about assigning good and bad tags with emotions, as I think it is important for people to work through any emotion they feel, ensuring they experience them in hopes of allowing them to heal.  But, with the way I can sometimes feel after being so involved emotionally in situations, I can't help but think it is "bad".  Perhaps I am just putting too much pressure on myself.......and really just making this vicious cycle more involved......but I can't help but wonder, as I truly do not want to be a selfish person.

For some reason I often find quotes encouraging.  I think it is mainly because I am very much encouraged by words --->and well I am in need of some encouragement right now.  A few that I found helpful today were

"We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot."
~Eleanor Roosevelt

"As I grow to understand life less and less,
I learn to love it more and more."
~Jules Renard

Of course, I do find the first quote by Eleanor encouraging, though certainly a bit overwhelming to me today also.  Depending on the situation, I sometimes don't have the most confidence, so certainly something I need to improve on.  I need to be able to look fear in the face, and not be emotional or feel defeated.  And I need to not depend on the encouragement and support of others to be able to conquer my fears - I need to learn how to be STRONG and do it myself.  

I also do like the second quote by Renard - as this is not a quote I can relate to yet.  Though, through some current personal situations.....I am slowly learning that life makes no sense and is just not fair.  So, even in this uncertainty I need to relax and just enjoy life.  There are many things to be thankful for.  I need to learn how to refocus my mind and not allow my emotions to take control of me and my thoughts.

Maybe one of these days I will have more strength to be able to control my emotions.  ;-) 

Hello.....I am Thankful!

Well, hello blogspot!  I haven't blogged in at least 3 months!  But here I sit at Panera about to head to a doctor appointment soon, but not before I write a quick blog though.  I thought I would enjoy a few minutes of serenity on the computer in a coffee shop before the mass chaos of another week begins.  ;-) 

The last month+ has been a bit crazy, but I still have so much to be thankful for.  I am very thankful for my husband because despite some of scariness and sadness that has happened over the last few months I feel even closer to him (thankfully none of the stress has to do with "us").  I have had a few things come up in my life, and his family has been going through some very rough stuff.  Some of this "stuff" just seems like a really bad dream and I keep thinking that one morning I am going to wake-up from it.  But, I have still remained positive (for the most part) throughout it all.  Now I have definitely been stressed - but thankfully have not let it defeat my attitude. 

In a week and a half (on May 26) Matt and I will celebrate our 10 year wedding anniversary!!  Yes, 10 years! I can hardly believe it.  What is even more crazy is that we have been together for well over 13 years!  I feel so old when I say that, but I also have to remember we met when we were 18.  ;-)  We have been through some tough stuff in those 10 years, but we have made it through the challenges - which I do not take for granted. I am thankful that we learn each and every day how to better communicate, better understand one another, better respect one another and remain even more committed to one another.  I hope that we always remain open and with a continued commitment to always work hard on ourselves individually and on our marriage.

I love that I look forward to our evening and weekends together.  I like that we look forward to being together after we have been with other friends.  I like that there is still genuine happiness with one another and that we do not take each other for granted.  I like that he respects me and my "somewhat" strong and independent personality.  I like that cares about me and truly wants to make me happy.  I know that I am important to him, which does really help you to feel secure and happy.  Over the last few months I have truly noticed that he is really open and listens to me (that is not to say he hasn't in the past, but it has been something I have genuinely noticed recently).  I think that sometimes it is easy (after being together with someone for a while), to not really communicate and truly listen to what the other needs/wants or what he is saying.  I am thankful that is not us right now.  Now don't get my wrong, I do think it is a conscious effort, it is not like it always comes easy.  It is not easy for anyone (definitely not me) to be selfless.  But nonetheless, I am happy and thankful for where we are right now.

With some of the "crazy stuff" going on, it has showed me even greater what I want our marriage and family to be like. I am thankful that we openly talk about what is going on and how we want to grow and be like through it.  Life is interesting, you can learn a lot by watching what others are going through. I am thankful for my self-awareness and hope that I never stop growing, learning and recognizing things about myself.  Only when you understand yourself (good and bad), can you even begin to have healthy and strong relationships. I firmly believe that.  If you are not aware of where you are emotionally, understanding your strengths and limitations then there is no way you can be healthfully in a marriage.....or even (I shall venture to say), strong and healthy friendships. 

Today I have a scary morning ahead of me......and I feel pretty apprehensive, but I know that I will get through it regardless of the outcome. I am very thankful for so many important people in my life, but most of all, I am thankful for my husband.  He has been such an amazing support through everything lately. I love you, Matty!

So anyway.....yes, a hodgepodge of thoughts.....which is pretty typical for me!!  ;-)  And another thing that is typical - a picture. This is a picture my brother took of Matt and I this past Saturday as we ran "Race for the Cure" (we have done it together for the last 4 or 5 years).

A work in progress......

Well, truth is, I haven't had much to say lately.  ;-)  Yes, sure I usually always have words to say, but I haven't shared hardly anything from the heart....with anyone for a while.  Surprisingly, I am actually okay with it.  I actually have been learning a lot lately, trying to make positive changes in myself, improvements to become a stronger person. 

Now, time for a quote.......

"too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around. "~leo buscaglia

Tonight while looking through quotablecards.com (I looooove these cards) I came upon this quote.  Anyway, I read this quote (one I have read before), and it pretty much sums up how I feel about life.  Truly, this is my mantra.  I really do feel this way about life and people deep down, but often I get so caught up in the day-to-day stresses or frustrations that I just cannot keep my concentration on what is important.  People are important, and me conveying this care and positivity is important!!  I hate that I can let "things" impact me in such a strong way that I get distracted and truly forget how much I want to let others know how important they are in this life.

So.....here is to my continued self-discipline and learning so that I can always be that person I want to be.   

i carry your heart with me

Just sharing a poem that I love........ 

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)

i fear

no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that’s keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

~ee cummings

Thankful for SOOOO much - 2010 in Review!!

As I sit here on Sunday afternoon, I find myself reflecting and feeling thankful.  Sure, it could possibly be because it is the start of a New Year, my mood, or just because I have so much to be thankful for!!  Granted, I did encounter many challenges personally over the year of 2010 (and even a little in 2009), but I still have so much to be thankful for and did have a lot of fun over the course of this past year.

As I went through my calendar yesterday (to put in recycling), I was reminded of how many great friends and family I have.  Our calendar is almost always full and busy, and for this I am thankful.  Sure, I do get exhausted at times, but I truly am so thankful to so many people who shared in many joys over the past year of my life.

I know I have said it before, but I am just so darn thankful for the friends (including my brother and sister) in my life.  They have brought so much happiness to my life.  As I look over this past year, here are some things I am thankful for - and in "typical-Amy-fashion" I will add some photos to describe and show my fun.  ;-)

I am thankful for my husband!  This was a picture from just a few days ago - on NYE, but I am thankful for him.  We will be celebrating our 10 year wedding anniversary this May, and have been together for 13 years.  I hope that we will continue to learn, grow and understand each other more every day.

I am also very thankful for my brother and sister!! ;-)  This was a picture of us before the Nickelback concert we went to in October.  That was such an amazing experience to go to the concert with my brother and sister.  I love them both a lot!!!!

And as I continue........here is my sister again - such a cutie. I am thankful that I was able to take her to her first OSU football game.  We had a lot of fun!!!

In May, Matt, Shane and I ran in the annual "Race for the Cure"!!! It was truly amazing!  This was the third year Matt and I had done it, and the second year Shane had joined us.  I am so thankful we could raise money and combat such a horrible disease, but also thankful that I could share in the experience with my husband and brother.  I am also very thankful to say that my brother is still cancer-free, a survivor of testicular cancer!!! Horray!!!!  And though we have lost important members of our family to cancer, including my great grandma this year - I am thankful that there is research being done, people fighting, people surviving and people being cured!!!  I look forward to doing the race again in 2011!

I am thankful for my friend Genny (we have been friends for almost 20 years)!  At the beginning of July we took a "girls trip" to Chicago!!  We had a lot of fun.  She and I just plain had a lot of fun this summer.  ;-)  This was on our little boat tour of the harbor.  Thank you Gen for many fun times this past summer, and over our many years together!!!!  Love you!

Oh how I adore my friend Michele!!! ;-)  This was us at Gallery Hop back in June.  She is such a lovely person and always brings a smile to my face.  Ironically we don't really know "when" or "how" we became friends.....but we met my last year as a RD at Ashland (2003), and her first year there as the Director of Community Service (and we would meet for lunch ever so often over that year).  The summer I moved to Seattle she took the Director of Residence Life job at AU, and we continued to keep in touch and get to know one another even more.  I have always enjoyed her company.  She just took a new and wonderful job in Atlanta, but I was fortunate enough to see her a few days ago, and hope to take a trip to visit her in Atlanta in March!!!

I am also thankful for my friend Laura.....though it is a funny story as to how we "really" got to know each other, we have enjoyed a lot of fun times with her and her family over the 2010 year!!  This was us relaxing with some yummy wine on her back patio!!!  <3

I am also thankful for my trip to VEGAS this past summer with Kris!!!  Vegas was amazing and Kris and I had a lot of fun!!!!  I hope to go back again this summer as there was nothing better than sleeping-in, lounging by the pool in the hot & amazing sun, then going out in the evening!!!  We shared many laughs during that trip!!!

And of course, I completely adore my niece and nephew!! Anyone that knows me knows how much I talk about them.  They came and spent the night with Matt and I in December.  We had a lot of fun with them.  This picture was taken right after they sat on Santa's lap.  They started kindergarten this year.....they are getting so big!!! I love them!!!

And a few more friend pictures.....

I am so lucky - I was able to celebrate my 31st birthday in June with the company of friends (though missed a few that couldn't be there)!!  This is only a picture of the "girls"!!  We had a mighty fine group of guys too, and I am so thankful that everyone came out to share in my celebration.  It was one of the most special birthdays I ever had!!  I am so thankful for my friends and family!!!  In this pic - Standing (left to right) Kris, Michelle, Abby, Patty - Sitting - Lisa, Me, Laura and Gen!!!  Love you girls!!!

Fun times dancing to Reganomics with Adrianne and Kris (one of the three times I got to listen to them this summer)!!!!

My lovely friends - Michele & Gen (got to introduce them on this special August night).  We went to dinner and played some darts!!!  Love these girls!!!!

And of course, I couldn't finish my pictures without including one of my grandparents whom are very important to me!!! <3

This was a picture of my Grandparents at my cousin's wedding in September.  ;-)  Love them!

And of course, the two "little" loves of my life.....my kitties - Hopie (on left) and Little Boots (on right)!!  They bring so much joy (and sometimes frustration), but I wouldn't change it for anything.  They are such cuties and I love snuggling with them!!!!  Little Boots is laying on my lap as I type this blog on the laptop (yes, making it a little challenging), but oh well!! ;-)

Of course there are many other friends and family members I did not include in pictures because that would make this blog even longer.....and it takes a while to add photos.  ;-)  But I am blessed to have so many people in my life.  Thank you to everyone that I spend time with!!

Another aspect of my life that I am thankful for is my job.  I am so thankful to be doing something that I enjoy.  I love working with college students, and have been doing it in a professional capacity for almost 10 years!!  I love advising and I am thankful for my supervisor that makes my job even more amazing.  I certainly am blessed to be able to learn from such a wise person.

I am looking forward to 2011!  And although I know I still have things in my life I want to work on, just thinking about how many important people I have in my life makes me so happy and thankful.  If there is a day where I were to feel down all I need to do is think about all of the people in my life and how thankful I am to be blessed by their presence!!!!