Human nature is kinda funny thing. If we are not consciously aware of how we are acting and reacting to events and people, then it is possible we are not living life to the fullest. True, I often analyze and evaluate my actions a bit too much, but I also want to be sure that I am learning as much as I can during this lifetime. I want to be the best person that I can be.
I have always known this about myself, but haven't really noticed myself doing it until more recently. I think that life is worth taking risks, especially when it comes to friendships, but I have noticed that I don't always practice what I think. I am VERY protective of myself, always trying to shield myself from getting hurt. Yes, I certainly put myself out there a bit more than some, but I will only "give" for so long. When I notice that it may not be reciprocle, no matter how close I am to that person, I will start to shut-down, sort of out of a protective mechanism. Even though I think people are worth taking risks for, I just cannot make myself too vulnerable any more. I certainly wasn't always this way. Sure, deep down I have always been aware.....ready to protect, but I was willing to be more open, willing to take more chances. Maybe it is old age, or maybe it is just fear that keeps me from doing this now?? I am not sure.
What is also interesting, is that I am also very protective of people I care about. Hence, the title of the blog - yes, I think my parents should have named me protective. ;-) If you are someone that I truly care about, I will go out of my way to protect you. I will protect you from others, from situations, from just about anything that will keep you from getting hurt. I take that responsiblity upon myself, and usually never asked. Honestly, it is most difficult on me....because of course, when I don't have that control.....when I can't protect someone I care about.....it hurts. I don't like to see anyone around me having to be vulerable....hurting.....upset..... Man oh man, what will happen one day when I have a child?? ;-)
I am not entirely sure where this protective nature came from. It just may be an innate part of who I am. I think it was shaped somewhat from childhood. I remember as a kid always needing and thinking that I needed to take care of my younger siblings, even at the young age of 8. I remember after my parents divorce, thinking I needed to take care of my mom.....scared for who she would date and marry. I also know this behavior continued into my teenage years.
When it comes to the MBTI, I am a ESFJ. And according to the Keirsey Temperament Sorter - I am a Provider/Guardian. I think this makes sense with some of what I am writing about. I think that this label is very fitting for me. Providers are observant, cooperative, informative, and expressive. They are greatly concerned with the health and welfare of those under their care. Again, pretty fitting.
But the funny thing about life is that you cannot always protect. You can't always protect yourself or others. Yes, that is often hard for me to grasp....... So, I need to learn how to be constantly aware and to channel this part of my personality in a positive way.
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