I miss her soooo very badly!

Oh Grandma - I miss you so very badly.  I feel like with each day that passes I am reminded of how very much I miss you.  You are gone.....those are such hard words for me to grasp.  And although I am so very thankful I could be there at the end to help take care of you, and am thankful I was there to hold your hand until the end, and of course, I am so thankful you are not suffering.....it still hurts soooo very badly that you are gone.  I love you so very much. I miss you so very much.  

I just sat here this evening, touching the computer screen of the picture above, wishing that I could touch you again.....wishing I could see your smile....wishing we could have a heart-to-heart conversation.  You meant/mean the world to me.  You were so incredibly influential to my life. I am who I am because of you (the good parts, of course).  

I feel conflicted as I know you would not want me to be sad or hurting....you would want me to be happy and jump back up and be living life to the fullest.  But this week I have really been learning what it means to mourn and have really felt the absence in my life from your departure. I have moments where I am happy and myself, but then the very next second I can start to cry....and be sad at the fact you are gone....  I want to believe that you are watching over me....and maybe even at times right beside me, but I am not sure where my views stand on that.  The one thing I do know is that you are a part of me.  You are my Grandma....I came from my dad who came from YOU....so I know you are literally a part of me.  That is what I am taking comfort in right now.     

You are and always have been so incredibly beautiful both inside and out.  I love the above picture of you.  I hurried out on the morning of the 26th to get it blown up and framed for your funeral.....so that everyone could see your beautiful smile and so that Grandpa would have a beautiful momentum of you.  This picture not only shows your beauty....but it shows your sincerity and your ability to be silly. I know I had you pose for this picture, because well that is me.  I am so thankful for the bond that we had.  

The below picture is buried with you....and framed in my living room....I love it!

I love you oh so much Grandma.....you were there for me all of the time.  I think that losing you also hurts so much because I know how much you loved me and supported me....and that always meant so much to me.  I have so many amazing memories of you....memories I will cherish, but also memories that make it harder to grieve and continue to move forward.  

Again, I am so thankful you are no longer suffering as you never deserved any of that horrible health stuff that happened to you over the last 4.5 + years.  You did nothing but give to others.....you didn't deserve to suffer.  I am so sorry Grandma....I always wished each time that I saw you that I could take that pain and suffering away.  But even in the pain and suffering, you were often positive......I enjoyed when you would smile....and the below picture from September of 2011 shows your amazing smile even in the midst of adversity.....

I shall continue to embrace and work through this pain from the absence of you.  I will do this because I must trust that it will make me stronger. I must trust that I can become more  like you in the midst....a strong lady that will help others and take care of others.  Oh Grandma.....I wish I could tell you one more time how much I love you....give you another hug....oh what I wouldn't give for that.

Know that we all miss you so very, very, very much!!!

I know this isn't the last post I will write about my Grandma....she was so amazing and I have been missing her so much since her passing on 12/24/2011.

Breathe......Do not hurry

Tonight while reading a wide variety of blogs, I saw this picture on a yoga blog I was reading:

This picture (and straightforward blog) really spoke to me.  Here is a link to the the blog I read.  The title of the blog was - success.  So simple, yet so profound and very difficult for me.

I would LOVE to slow down. I would love to not feel like I am under pressure constantly, or needing to feel like I must to hurry from place to place, or needing to know what I am doing next, or where I am going next, or worrying about what I am doing tomorrow, or what I am going to do next week.........  I think you get the idea.  But sadly....this is not something that comes easily to me.  When I need to be somewhere, or am planning to go some place or do something, I am always in a hurry (though I never need to be as I am a good manager of time). I get anxious if I am not in the process of getting there.  What is most sad and a bit self-defeating is that I bring this on myself.  There is not "really" anyone around me that makes me constantly "hurry"......just me and my crazy brain.  ;-)

With the start of another academic year beginning tomorrow at work, I want to try to remember this.  Just breathe......do not hurry.....in the end that will equal success in many ways.

Paying It Forward

Back in April (of 2011) I went in for my yearly OBGYN appointment and while doing my breast exam, I noticed that she kept feeling around the same location on the left breast.  My heart sank as I knew it was not going to be good news, I knew she had found something.  Sure, enough, she found a lump so she wanted to send me for a mammogram and ultrasound.  The doctor told me she didn't think it felt the same as the "bad" lumps, but she still wanted me to have it examined.

I left the office in complete disbelief.  I will never forget that walk to the car....feeling so confused and foggy.....  I remember just sitting in my car for a few minutes.......where do I begin?  Do I call Matt right now?  No, I don't want to tell him over the phone.  Should I call and talk to a friend?  How do I talk about this?  And most of all, many people have had cancer in my family.  Thankfully my brother is a survivor, but I have also lost people to cancer.  So, knowing that it is prevalent in my family is what made me most nervous about the lump.  All I could do was wait until they called me the next day with my mammogram and ultrasound appointment.

They couldn't get me in for almost a month! I could not believe it!  OSU just opened a new "James Cancer Comprehensive Breast Center" and since I need a mammogram AND ultrasound done, they needed to do it at the same time and this was the only location.  I had to wait for a month!!!  But there was so much going in with our families that I stayed pretty distracted over the next month.  I didn't really tell anyone, except a couple of close friends and immediate family members.

So, I was trudging along through May...not doing too bad.  Then on May 14, we ran our yearly "Race for the Cure".  I did this with my brother and husband (this was the 4th year in a row).  And I was still doing okay, but then as I stood in the race line with thousands of people and survivors, and I listened to them talk about breast cancer over the speakers.....it dawned on me - Holy Sh*t......I have to get a lump looked at in my breast on Monday!! I have to get a mammogram and ultrasound on my breast at the age of 31!  I "could" have cancer (that dreaded "c" word)!!  I did begin to cry at this point.  I think it felt good to let a little of it out, but definitely not at a good time.  Thankfully it was a quick cry.  ;-)

Then came Monday morning.....time for the mammogram and ultrasound.  The initial mammogram wasn't too bad.  But then they have you go out and wait for the Radiologist to look at the results.  So, there I sit in the waiting room, in my little white robe with quite a few other women.  As I look at these women I realize I am the only "young" person in here.  That was a bit scary.  Then they called me back in for another mammogram as the Radiologist wanted more pictures.  This made me nervous, and you could see the spots on the screen they were trying to capture.  After the second mammogram I sat again in the waiting area.  Then came the ultrasound.  As I was going into the ultrasound room the Sonographer told me they were watching a spot in my left breast AND my lymph nodes.  This made me freak out internally. I was soooo dang scared as I knew enough about cancer that looking at my lymph nodes is not a good thing.  That darn ultrasound lasted forever.....or at least it seemed to.  I asked her if I would know the results today, and she said yes.  So, after it was finally finished I waited in the room for a few minutes. She came back in and said........everything is fine.  She told that there is a spot on my left breast that the Radiologist wants to monitor and that I will be coming in for mammograms every 6 months for a while.  So, that was good news....but it was bittersweet because I am not entirely out of the dark as I have to come back in November, but I am fine for now.

Of course, I am sensitive to cancer period.  But now I am a bit more sensitive to breast cancer.  Today I read the following article on cnn - http://www.cnn.com/2011/US/08/04/cnnheroes.cantwell.breast.cancer/index.html?hpt=hp_t2 .  It is a fantastic article.....but I did cry through most of it.  I am thankful that is not me, but my heart goes out to these women (and men).  I also think this organization is pretty amazing - http://pinkdaisyproject.com/ .  Definitely an organization I would like to make a donation to.  I give props to this woman for paying it forward - what an amazing vision and gift to people.

Here is a picture from the Race in May

Supporting Character.....

It is no secret that I love PostSecret.  I just wish I had known about them before they came to OSU a few years ago so that I could have heard Frank speak in person.  But anyway, I look forward to the new secrets being posted on Sunday each week.  This week this particular secret touched my heart......

I could relate to this person, but also felt sad for this person.  I can understand how this person feels in always feeling like you are supporting the person you are with at the moment......always trying to make them happy.  I do that in most of my close relationships too.  It is just who I am. I typically care much more about the person I am with and if they are feeling good, supported and cared for.  However, I am thankful that this does not lead me to rather do things alone.  I would rather be the "supporting character" any day....than spend my days alone without friends and/or family around me.  What a lonely life that would be.

But at the same time....if you are not taking care of yourself.....or if you don't have someone to support you then you can feel completely depleted (and then want to be alone). I have had many times in my life where me being the supporting one in the relationship can be too overwhelming.....it depletes me to where I have nothing more to give......to anyone.  I do not like these times.  Because not only is it hard on me emotionally, but I can't be that supporting and encouraging person I want to be in relationships.  That is hard.......  I find that it is very important to be self-aware and acknowledge when this "depleting" is happening.  You can't always stop it from happening....as I like to "give" in relationships......but at least be aware and find ways to replenish your emotional reserves.

I truly hope this person finds someone that can support him/her......or find a way to "support" people a little less. I know this can be hard, believe me I know from personal experience.  But we are constantly a work in progress, trying to learn from the past so that we can make ourselves better for the present and future.  And boy.....do I still have a lot to learn!!!  ;-)

Also, here is a link to PostSecret - http://www.postsecret.com/feeds/posts/default

Thankful!!

Just a picture to say I am thankful for my husband!! ;-)

I am not a fan of anxiety.....

As of January 3 of this year.......I officially stopped taking Xanax (as I know I have blogged in the past about my anxiety struggle)!! Horray!  That is a major accomplishment for me considering how debilitating my anxiety can be at times.  So no medication since January.  And honestly, after the first few weeks of stopping the medication I was doing pretty good.  I am confident that the Xanax made my anxiety MUCH worse (pretty common in people that take it for a prolonged time).  It was a vicious cycle....  I would be anxious, to the point I could not control it, so I would take Xanax to calm myself down.  I would get immediate relief.....but then this wonderful mood soothing medicine would make me more anxious and sometimes depressed in the long run. Wonderful, huh? 


Prior to stopping it in January, I began reading about Xanax.  For the year prior, my anxiety had been getting worse and worse.  Sure, I have struggled with it since John's suicide in August 2004, but around November'ish 2009, it was beginning to take hold of me more intensely.  Because of this I began relying more and more on Xanax.  I did go to the doctor to talk about this.  They prescribed some known antidepressants that were also suppose to help with anxiety. From February 2010-July 2010 I felt like a guinea pig as they toyed with different medications and different doses to try and help with my anxiety.  Finally in July of 2010 I realized these medications were not helping my anxiety, so why take them??  So, Xanax continued to be my friend.  The bad thing is that after taking it for 6-7 years, your body starts to grow a tolerance, thus I would need to take a higher dosage to feel the calming effects.  I stayed in communication with my family doctor about all of this.  She then recommended a substitute drug to Xanax - called Klonopin.  Once I got home from work I read about the side effects of this drug....a few big ones being - impaired motor function, short-term memory loss, hallucinations, and the list went on.  Ummm...yeah, I don't think so!! I am trying to help myself get better, not make myself worse with memory loss! I called the doctor's office the next day and told them to cancel that prescription as I would not be picking that up from the pharmacy.  After reading about Klonopin I decided to start doing more research on Xanax.....and found many bad things about it too.  At that point in November, I decided once this prescription runs out I am not going to the doctor for a refill.  Sure, I was nervous and scared that I may have withdrawal effects since I had taken it off and on for 6-7 years, but it would be worth it in the end.  Thankfully.....no side effects when I stopped taking it.  Actually after the first few weeks I was feeling better.....less fuzzy in the head.....and eventually the anxiety got better!!!  Double bonus!!


So, I have been doing pretty good since January.  I would definitely have anxiety from time to time.  But anxiety wasn't controlling me!  Horray!  But right now I do have some things going on in my life.....some life changing events taking place....and by the end of June my anxiety started rearing its ugly head hardcore!  That last week of June I would have done anything to have Xanax.....(well not really because I could have went to the doctor - but just trying to convey how intense the anxiety was).  I had a few panic attacks.  I was having episodes where I couldn't catch my breath (I am still having this problem).  I will be just sitting there and feel tightness in my chest, like I can't catch my breath. I try to breath in real deep......but I still can't catch my breath.  It sucks......but I will not go back onto medication, it just isn't for me.  I figure, this too shall pass.  I just have to ride out the wave.  But it doesn't make it any easier in the midst. 


I am also off of work right now (for two months).  Sometimes not being busy isn't the best for me.  Plus, daily I would have wonderful and good conversations with a colleague.  I know this daily interaction and connection was good for me, something I enjoyed and looked forward to.  I trust her and I enjoyed daily connection throughout the day.......but I don't have that right now.  Sure, I have had a good couple of weeks and have seen many friends.......but I know myself well enough to know that I must stay busy.  Annnnd....I am taking some current medications (completely unrelated to anything I am typing about), and these medications can contribute to some of the emotional/mood swings I have been feeling.


Soooo....all of this to say.....I just gotta remain positive and know that this anxiety will get better (as I try to convince myself while blogging this).  ;-)  Though it can appear grim and sometimes defeating in the midst.....I know it will pass.  And this blog has been helpful recently.....I am not a writer.....but it is a good way to get out some of what I have been feeling lately.

Friendship - One of Life's Greatest Gifts!!

"A friend is someone who sees through you and still enjoys the view" ~Wilma Askinas

I am very thankful for my friendships.  I would not be the person that I am if it were not for the frienships throughout my life.  Friends have always been important to me.  When I was a little kid I didn't have a lot of friends.  I was overweight and more quiet.....which means not a lot of people would hang around with you.  But I remember even at a young age dreaming about having friends.  Thankfully, in middle school I finally really started to make friends, one of these friends I am still close to at this point in my life (amazing).  I remember becoming close to a friend in high school that really started to teach me about myself.  She was one of the first friends I made that really did care about me and took the time to "really" get to know me.  But it wasn't until college that I met a friend that was like a sister to me.  I truly learned what it was to be understood and to understand someone else.  This friendship has had a profound impact on me.  I still talk to this friend, though we are not as close as we use to be because of distance, I am still so very thankful to her and the friendship that we had/have.  She was a friend that loved unconditionally, that helped me to understand myself, and the first friend where I truly felt like I could be myself around AT ALL TIMES.  This quote really makes me think of her -

"Friendships begin because, even without words, we understand how someone feels" ~Joan Walsh Anglund

Many times we didn't even have to say words, we knew exactly what the other was feeling. I have since met a couple of friends that are very similar......but this special friend from college was the first to let me know this amazing gift was possible.

Since college I have met so many people and had many friendships.  Many that are not as close anymore because I have moved so many times, but there are a few friends that I do keep in decent contact with.  For these few that I am talking about, I am thankful for how special they are and that even if we do not see each other for months at a time.....we can still pick right up where we left off.  We can still feel comfortable being who we are in eachothers presence. 

"What is a friend? I will tell you...it is someone with whom you dare to be yourself" ~Frank Crane
As I look at my life right now, I feel pretty content with those around me and am so thankful for those friendships in my life.  Sure, there are many friends and many diffent depth levels.  Some we may just catch-up every few months, but still enjoy being together.  Whereas a few others we may catch-up a bit more often.  And then there are a select couple where I feel I can truly be myself.  I am so thankful for the many different friendships that I have.  Each friend is special to me for many different reasons, but regardless, they help make my life complete.  I know I could never make it through this life without the support of my friends.  I also know I couldn't make it through this life without being a good friend to others. 

Not only are friends important to me because of what they bring to my life, but they also make my life complete by allowing me to be a good friend to them.  I enjoy being a friend that listens, doesn't judge, supports and encourages.  I hope that people see me as a good friend, as it is important to me to be that friend that others trust and can depend on.  

"Friends are those who nourish the spirit" ~Unknown

"A friend is someone who dances with you in the sunlight, and walks with you in the shadows" ~Heather Kowalski

I love these last two quotes too, as my friendships do nourish my spirit.   And I think it is very important to be a friend that will celebrate your triumphs and happy times, but will also be there to walk with you and encourage you in the midst of adversity. This is a very important aspect of friendships. 

I love my friends!!! 

Hello, my name is Amy and I am Protective

Human nature is kinda funny thing.  If we are not consciously aware of how we are acting and reacting to events and people, then it is possible we are not living life to the fullest.  True, I often analyze and evaluate my actions a bit too much, but I also want to be sure that I am learning as much as I can during this lifetime.  I want to be the best person that I can be. 

I have always known this about myself, but haven't really noticed myself doing it until more recently.  I think that life is worth taking risks, especially when it comes to friendships, but I have noticed that I don't always practice what I think.  I am VERY protective of myself, always trying to shield myself from getting hurt.  Yes, I certainly put myself out there a bit more than some, but I will only "give" for so long.  When I notice that it may not be reciprocle, no matter how close I am to that person, I will start to shut-down, sort of out of a protective mechanism.  Even though I think people are worth taking risks for, I just cannot make myself too vulnerable any more.  I certainly wasn't always this way.  Sure, deep down I have always been aware.....ready to protect, but I was willing to be more open, willing to take more chances.  Maybe it is old age, or maybe it is just fear that keeps me from doing this now??  I am not sure.

What is also interesting, is that I am also very protective of people I care about.  Hence, the title of the blog - yes, I think my parents should have named me protective.  ;-)  If you are someone that I truly care about, I will go out of my way to protect you.  I will protect you from others, from situations, from just about anything that will keep you from getting hurt.  I take that responsiblity upon myself, and usually never asked.  Honestly, it is most difficult on me....because of course, when I don't have that control.....when I can't protect someone I care about.....it hurts.  I don't like to see anyone around me having to be vulerable....hurting.....upset.....  Man oh man, what will happen one day when I have a child??  ;-) 

I am not entirely sure where this protective nature came from.  It just may be an innate part of who I am.  I think it was shaped somewhat from childhood. I remember as a kid always needing and thinking that I needed to take care of my younger siblings, even at the young age of 8.  I remember after my parents divorce, thinking I needed to take care of my mom.....scared for who she would date and marry.  I also know this behavior continued into my teenage years. 

When it comes to the MBTI, I am a ESFJ.  And according to the Keirsey Temperament Sorter - I am a Provider/Guardian.  I think this makes sense with some of what I am writing about.  I think that this label is very fitting for me.   Providers are observant, cooperative, informative, and expressive. They are greatly concerned with the health and welfare of those under their care. Again, pretty fitting. 

But the funny thing about life is that you cannot always protect.  You can't always protect yourself or others.  Yes, that is often hard for me to grasp.......  So, I need to learn how to be constantly aware and to channel this part of my personality in a positive way.

Devotion - My Grandparents

I have been close to my paternal grandparents for as long as I can remember.  Even when my parents were married, I could remember being at their house often.  I know they loved spending time with us grandkids and doing things for us.  They NEVER missed any school functions, including even attending my senior chapel from college when I had a speaking part.  Of course they were at my college and grad school graduation too.  There are not many monumental memories that I have from when I was a child that didn't have my grandparents there. (The picture above is us siblings with Grandma and Grandpa in July 2004) 

My Grandma has always been a special woman.  She has been someone that I have looked up to as she has always been a strong woman that has accomplished quite a bit herself, including serving as Union County Auditor for 16 years.  She has always been a bit more reserved, but was always good at communicating how much she cared about you.  So many people have such great respect for her as she has always had such high integrity and care for others.  My Grandma and I have always had a connection, and for this I will be forever grateful.  It would be hard to see loved one's health begin to fail, but when Grandma started falling, and having strokes in 2006 and 2007...this took a toll on me.  She has dementia (Alzheimer's), and her strokes have left her with very limited mobility.  It has been so hard to watch her endure all that she has over the last 5+ years.  I try so very hard to treat her as I always have, and talk to her about normal stuff.  Even though I am unsure if she knows what I am talking about, but even this is really hard for me.  I guess I am just weak.  I do love her so very much and am thankful for the joy she has brought and continues to bring to my life.  (The picture above was from July 2004)

My Grandpa is also special to me.  I smile as I type this....as he is a jolly guy.  He ALWAYS has a story for you.  And he LOVES to tell stories about YOU when he is with you. I have heard many stories about when I was little (before I have the memories), and for this I am grateful.  Just the other day when he called me for my birthday, he reminded me of a story he has told me often.  When I was born I had to be rushed to Children's Hospital in Columbus (keep in mind this was 1979), but when he got off work the Marysville hospital asked my Grandpa to take vials of my mom's blood down to Children's.  That just makes me laugh as NOTHING like that would happen now.  But all of this to say, my Grandpa loves being around people and telling stories.  He has always been a very hard worker, and even after retiring constantly stayed busy.  He has created and built many things on their property and in their house.  Grandpa always lights up a room when he walks in because of how friendly and outgoing he is.  (The picture above is from July 2011)

Yes, they have been involved in my life very much over the past 32 years, even taking a train to Seattle to see Matt and I when we lived there in 2004-2005.  But what has amazed me even more has been to watch my Grandpa's devotion to my Grandma as her health deteriorated.  They celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary right before Grandma started getting sick, but to this day he does not leave her side.  He takes care of her every day, all day long.  It is not an easy job as he must use a lift to get her out of bed, out of her chair, in the bathroom, to get her in her wheelchair - you get the idea.  He also feeds her and does all daily things for her.  He does this at 80 years old!  He also doesn't hesitate to take her to the hospital if things don't seem right.  He is even planning to take her to the beach in a few weeks.  It also amazes me how he talks to her and tries to include her in conversations all of the time.  He is so very good with her and to her. (The picture above is from Abby's wedding in July 2008)

In a world where it is so easy to give up and get a divorce, I take comfort in knowing that a marriage CAN go the distance.  True commitment and devotion does exist.  But it must be decision that both partners choose to make.  I love both of them so very much and I am thankful for what an example they have been to me my entire life, but especially right now as I watch my Grandpa show his true character and his devotion to my Grandma.  Thank you to both of you for being such role models to me. (The picture above is from July 2011 - my Grandpa showing his unwavering devotion)

I love you!

Here are a few more pictures from the last few years......

A picture of my Grandparents in 2004 - a collage I made for Grandpa's birthday

Grandpa with the twins in February/March 2009

Siblings and Emmi with Grandma in November 2009

Me with Grandma in Summer 2008

Emmi with Grandpa in July 2008

Pain.....

Okay.....so....I am soooooo over my empathy!! ;-)  I am ready for it to go away.  I am tired of it making me feel pain in my heart.....making me sad....and just exhausting me.  Stop....stop!! ;-)

I suppose I already knew this, but as of recent I was reminded, I would SOOOO RATHER have something "bad" and "hurtful" happen to me rather than have it happen to someone I really care about.  Watching something bad/sad happen to someone I care about is soooooo much harder to me than actually having it happen to me.  GOSH....I feel their pain so damn deeply.  Ugghhh.......  Lately I have watched a couple of people I care about have horrible things happen in their lives, and this second situation has just sent me over the edge.  These two people are so important to me and I hate to watch them feel pain and endure such horrible things that are not fair and that they do not deserve.  I love these girls and it sucks......  Life is sooooo not fair. 

Again, as I said the other day, I know this empathy thing can be good....but I am not seeing much of the benefit as of recently.  I don't feel that I have been able to be as supportive as I should since I am feeling such intense pain internally.....that no matter how hard I try, I do not feel I can comfort this person the way that I should.  Then....that makes me feel even worse......   Uggh.....why oh why.....

And for the first time since last Autumn.....the panic attacks have been occuring over the past 2 days......GO AWAY anxiety!!!  You are not welcome!

Strength.....now already.....

Just when I think.....hey....I am trudging along through life....doing pretty well despite some of the obstacles - BAM!!!! ----> I am reminded - you need to be stronger, AMY!  So, because I am trying to learn to process some stuff more internally than externally through talking.....here I am blogging.  ;-)  

Oh boy how I wish I could "feel" less!  There are times where I am thankful that my ability to be empathetic can truly help me to understand others and meet them where they are, but then there are MANY times where I just sooo wish I could turn that ability off (or at least turn it off after I finish talking with that person).  But......that is not the way I work (turning that ability off) - I am not good at all with compartmentalizing - ughh!  These feelings can take such a toll on me, which then makes it hard to pull myself together. You would think after feeling so many things so deeply for so long I would learn how to switch that off - but no.  Here I sit at 32 years old.....struggling with learning control over my empathy, sensitivity, and well, just my darn emotions!  I sometimes wonder if I will ever learn how to do this, truly.

I do think that my sensitivity to others, and my ability to be empathetic can be a good thing, but do I turn this "good" thing into something bad (not only for my well-being), but by allowing these feelings to control me, is this leading me to selfishness?  Because these feelings can be so all-consuming, and sometimes destroying my mood, day, and just allowing me to lose control.......is this actually me focusing too much on these feelings (hence, really myself)....which would be selfishness?  I am not all about assigning good and bad tags with emotions, as I think it is important for people to work through any emotion they feel, ensuring they experience them in hopes of allowing them to heal.  But, with the way I can sometimes feel after being so involved emotionally in situations, I can't help but think it is "bad".  Perhaps I am just putting too much pressure on myself.......and really just making this vicious cycle more involved......but I can't help but wonder, as I truly do not want to be a selfish person.

For some reason I often find quotes encouraging.  I think it is mainly because I am very much encouraged by words --->and well I am in need of some encouragement right now.  A few that I found helpful today were

"We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot."
~Eleanor Roosevelt

"As I grow to understand life less and less,
I learn to love it more and more."
~Jules Renard

Of course, I do find the first quote by Eleanor encouraging, though certainly a bit overwhelming to me today also.  Depending on the situation, I sometimes don't have the most confidence, so certainly something I need to improve on.  I need to be able to look fear in the face, and not be emotional or feel defeated.  And I need to not depend on the encouragement and support of others to be able to conquer my fears - I need to learn how to be STRONG and do it myself.  

I also do like the second quote by Renard - as this is not a quote I can relate to yet.  Though, through some current personal situations.....I am slowly learning that life makes no sense and is just not fair.  So, even in this uncertainty I need to relax and just enjoy life.  There are many things to be thankful for.  I need to learn how to refocus my mind and not allow my emotions to take control of me and my thoughts.

Maybe one of these days I will have more strength to be able to control my emotions.  ;-) 

Hello.....I am Thankful!

Well, hello blogspot!  I haven't blogged in at least 3 months!  But here I sit at Panera about to head to a doctor appointment soon, but not before I write a quick blog though.  I thought I would enjoy a few minutes of serenity on the computer in a coffee shop before the mass chaos of another week begins.  ;-) 

The last month+ has been a bit crazy, but I still have so much to be thankful for.  I am very thankful for my husband because despite some of scariness and sadness that has happened over the last few months I feel even closer to him (thankfully none of the stress has to do with "us").  I have had a few things come up in my life, and his family has been going through some very rough stuff.  Some of this "stuff" just seems like a really bad dream and I keep thinking that one morning I am going to wake-up from it.  But, I have still remained positive (for the most part) throughout it all.  Now I have definitely been stressed - but thankfully have not let it defeat my attitude. 

In a week and a half (on May 26) Matt and I will celebrate our 10 year wedding anniversary!!  Yes, 10 years! I can hardly believe it.  What is even more crazy is that we have been together for well over 13 years!  I feel so old when I say that, but I also have to remember we met when we were 18.  ;-)  We have been through some tough stuff in those 10 years, but we have made it through the challenges - which I do not take for granted. I am thankful that we learn each and every day how to better communicate, better understand one another, better respect one another and remain even more committed to one another.  I hope that we always remain open and with a continued commitment to always work hard on ourselves individually and on our marriage.

I love that I look forward to our evening and weekends together.  I like that we look forward to being together after we have been with other friends.  I like that there is still genuine happiness with one another and that we do not take each other for granted.  I like that he respects me and my "somewhat" strong and independent personality.  I like that cares about me and truly wants to make me happy.  I know that I am important to him, which does really help you to feel secure and happy.  Over the last few months I have truly noticed that he is really open and listens to me (that is not to say he hasn't in the past, but it has been something I have genuinely noticed recently).  I think that sometimes it is easy (after being together with someone for a while), to not really communicate and truly listen to what the other needs/wants or what he is saying.  I am thankful that is not us right now.  Now don't get my wrong, I do think it is a conscious effort, it is not like it always comes easy.  It is not easy for anyone (definitely not me) to be selfless.  But nonetheless, I am happy and thankful for where we are right now.

With some of the "crazy stuff" going on, it has showed me even greater what I want our marriage and family to be like. I am thankful that we openly talk about what is going on and how we want to grow and be like through it.  Life is interesting, you can learn a lot by watching what others are going through. I am thankful for my self-awareness and hope that I never stop growing, learning and recognizing things about myself.  Only when you understand yourself (good and bad), can you even begin to have healthy and strong relationships. I firmly believe that.  If you are not aware of where you are emotionally, understanding your strengths and limitations then there is no way you can be healthfully in a marriage.....or even (I shall venture to say), strong and healthy friendships. 

Today I have a scary morning ahead of me......and I feel pretty apprehensive, but I know that I will get through it regardless of the outcome. I am very thankful for so many important people in my life, but most of all, I am thankful for my husband.  He has been such an amazing support through everything lately. I love you, Matty!

So anyway.....yes, a hodgepodge of thoughts.....which is pretty typical for me!!  ;-)  And another thing that is typical - a picture. This is a picture my brother took of Matt and I this past Saturday as we ran "Race for the Cure" (we have done it together for the last 4 or 5 years).

A work in progress......

Well, truth is, I haven't had much to say lately.  ;-)  Yes, sure I usually always have words to say, but I haven't shared hardly anything from the heart....with anyone for a while.  Surprisingly, I am actually okay with it.  I actually have been learning a lot lately, trying to make positive changes in myself, improvements to become a stronger person. 

Now, time for a quote.......

"too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around. "~leo buscaglia

Tonight while looking through quotablecards.com (I looooove these cards) I came upon this quote.  Anyway, I read this quote (one I have read before), and it pretty much sums up how I feel about life.  Truly, this is my mantra.  I really do feel this way about life and people deep down, but often I get so caught up in the day-to-day stresses or frustrations that I just cannot keep my concentration on what is important.  People are important, and me conveying this care and positivity is important!!  I hate that I can let "things" impact me in such a strong way that I get distracted and truly forget how much I want to let others know how important they are in this life.

So.....here is to my continued self-discipline and learning so that I can always be that person I want to be.   

i carry your heart with me

Just sharing a poem that I love........ 

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)

i fear

no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that’s keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

~ee cummings

Thankful for SOOOO much - 2010 in Review!!

As I sit here on Sunday afternoon, I find myself reflecting and feeling thankful.  Sure, it could possibly be because it is the start of a New Year, my mood, or just because I have so much to be thankful for!!  Granted, I did encounter many challenges personally over the year of 2010 (and even a little in 2009), but I still have so much to be thankful for and did have a lot of fun over the course of this past year.

As I went through my calendar yesterday (to put in recycling), I was reminded of how many great friends and family I have.  Our calendar is almost always full and busy, and for this I am thankful.  Sure, I do get exhausted at times, but I truly am so thankful to so many people who shared in many joys over the past year of my life.

I know I have said it before, but I am just so darn thankful for the friends (including my brother and sister) in my life.  They have brought so much happiness to my life.  As I look over this past year, here are some things I am thankful for - and in "typical-Amy-fashion" I will add some photos to describe and show my fun.  ;-)

I am thankful for my husband!  This was a picture from just a few days ago - on NYE, but I am thankful for him.  We will be celebrating our 10 year wedding anniversary this May, and have been together for 13 years.  I hope that we will continue to learn, grow and understand each other more every day.

I am also very thankful for my brother and sister!! ;-)  This was a picture of us before the Nickelback concert we went to in October.  That was such an amazing experience to go to the concert with my brother and sister.  I love them both a lot!!!!

And as I continue........here is my sister again - such a cutie. I am thankful that I was able to take her to her first OSU football game.  We had a lot of fun!!!

In May, Matt, Shane and I ran in the annual "Race for the Cure"!!! It was truly amazing!  This was the third year Matt and I had done it, and the second year Shane had joined us.  I am so thankful we could raise money and combat such a horrible disease, but also thankful that I could share in the experience with my husband and brother.  I am also very thankful to say that my brother is still cancer-free, a survivor of testicular cancer!!! Horray!!!!  And though we have lost important members of our family to cancer, including my great grandma this year - I am thankful that there is research being done, people fighting, people surviving and people being cured!!!  I look forward to doing the race again in 2011!

I am thankful for my friend Genny (we have been friends for almost 20 years)!  At the beginning of July we took a "girls trip" to Chicago!!  We had a lot of fun.  She and I just plain had a lot of fun this summer.  ;-)  This was on our little boat tour of the harbor.  Thank you Gen for many fun times this past summer, and over our many years together!!!!  Love you!

Oh how I adore my friend Michele!!! ;-)  This was us at Gallery Hop back in June.  She is such a lovely person and always brings a smile to my face.  Ironically we don't really know "when" or "how" we became friends.....but we met my last year as a RD at Ashland (2003), and her first year there as the Director of Community Service (and we would meet for lunch ever so often over that year).  The summer I moved to Seattle she took the Director of Residence Life job at AU, and we continued to keep in touch and get to know one another even more.  I have always enjoyed her company.  She just took a new and wonderful job in Atlanta, but I was fortunate enough to see her a few days ago, and hope to take a trip to visit her in Atlanta in March!!!

I am also thankful for my friend Laura.....though it is a funny story as to how we "really" got to know each other, we have enjoyed a lot of fun times with her and her family over the 2010 year!!  This was us relaxing with some yummy wine on her back patio!!!  <3

I am also thankful for my trip to VEGAS this past summer with Kris!!!  Vegas was amazing and Kris and I had a lot of fun!!!!  I hope to go back again this summer as there was nothing better than sleeping-in, lounging by the pool in the hot & amazing sun, then going out in the evening!!!  We shared many laughs during that trip!!!

And of course, I completely adore my niece and nephew!! Anyone that knows me knows how much I talk about them.  They came and spent the night with Matt and I in December.  We had a lot of fun with them.  This picture was taken right after they sat on Santa's lap.  They started kindergarten this year.....they are getting so big!!! I love them!!!

And a few more friend pictures.....

I am so lucky - I was able to celebrate my 31st birthday in June with the company of friends (though missed a few that couldn't be there)!!  This is only a picture of the "girls"!!  We had a mighty fine group of guys too, and I am so thankful that everyone came out to share in my celebration.  It was one of the most special birthdays I ever had!!  I am so thankful for my friends and family!!!  In this pic - Standing (left to right) Kris, Michelle, Abby, Patty - Sitting - Lisa, Me, Laura and Gen!!!  Love you girls!!!

Fun times dancing to Reganomics with Adrianne and Kris (one of the three times I got to listen to them this summer)!!!!

My lovely friends - Michele & Gen (got to introduce them on this special August night).  We went to dinner and played some darts!!!  Love these girls!!!!

And of course, I couldn't finish my pictures without including one of my grandparents whom are very important to me!!! <3

This was a picture of my Grandparents at my cousin's wedding in September.  ;-)  Love them!

And of course, the two "little" loves of my life.....my kitties - Hopie (on left) and Little Boots (on right)!!  They bring so much joy (and sometimes frustration), but I wouldn't change it for anything.  They are such cuties and I love snuggling with them!!!!  Little Boots is laying on my lap as I type this blog on the laptop (yes, making it a little challenging), but oh well!! ;-)

Of course there are many other friends and family members I did not include in pictures because that would make this blog even longer.....and it takes a while to add photos.  ;-)  But I am blessed to have so many people in my life.  Thank you to everyone that I spend time with!!

Another aspect of my life that I am thankful for is my job.  I am so thankful to be doing something that I enjoy.  I love working with college students, and have been doing it in a professional capacity for almost 10 years!!  I love advising and I am thankful for my supervisor that makes my job even more amazing.  I certainly am blessed to be able to learn from such a wise person.

I am looking forward to 2011!  And although I know I still have things in my life I want to work on, just thinking about how many important people I have in my life makes me so happy and thankful.  If there is a day where I were to feel down all I need to do is think about all of the people in my life and how thankful I am to be blessed by their presence!!!!

Where I'm at......

As I attempt to blog during my lunch break, I was inspired by a friend's blog that was inspired by another blog.....so here is my attempt....

First, I am just proud of myself that I was able to "link" blogs within my blog the way I did just a second ago, and yes, that is just the silly kind of person I am. 

Though, currently, I feel like my mind has been racing in a million directions for various reasons......I do not like this.  I am ready for life to settle down and be "normal" if there is such a thing.  I truly did think a few years ago I was almost there (to normal), after quite a few tumultuous years....but nonetheless, I do think I achieved normalcy in my life....if only for a year........

I am thankful that I have a job, a house, that I live in Columbus, that I have two adorable kitties, and of course, for friends and family. 

I am thankful for the wonderful ice cream sundae Matt made for me a few nights ago.... ;-)  YUUMMM

I love being social, and though at times I may complain about being busy, I wouldn't have it any other way.  Sure, I do like a little downtime every now and then.....but even during the downtime I don't know what it means to relax.

Relax.....boy that is something I wish I could do.  Seriously, could someone please teach me how to do that? ;-) 

Although, I do enjoy holiday traditions, and sure, the holidays can be fun....I hate the hustle and bustle of it...and the pressure of finding the prefect gifts for people.  I am giving up this year.....most people are getting gift cards.  I just don't have the energy to try to find that perfect gift....and worry about it being "not perfect"...

Speaking of perfect, I am tired of being a perfectionist.......I have been finding that trying to be perfect in so many aspects is taking so much of my joy away....and I don't like this.  In addition to learning to relax, I really want to learn how to not strive for perfection in every aspect of my life....as it is exhausting - and most of all taking my joy away. I don't like this. I like to be joyful.....happy.....and upbeat......but often find myself "faking" this....which is NOT AT ALL ME.......

As I think back over the last few months.......I miss being able to go on vacations - but am thankful for them.  Whether that be experiencing Chicago and amazing Vegas.....to just a little girls trip that I took with Gen to Cleveland a month ago. I love getting away and experiencing new things. I have been sooooo wanting to take a little vacation lately......

Most of all, when I think about where I'm at right now, I yearn nothing more than to just be content.  I truly, truly, truly hope to be there soon.....

Great Quote!

It has been almost a month since I last blogged.....and even longer since I blogged about something meaningful.....  I have a few minutes before meeting a friend for breakfast and thought I would post a quote I read from one of facebook "friend's" status.....

"The most authentic thing about us is our capacity to create, to overcome, to endure, to transform, to love and to be greater than our suffering."  ~ Ben Okri

I loved this quote!  This is something I appreciate about humanity.  Granted, for some, I know this is very difficult, but I hope that for most of us - we continue this cycle our entire life.  Oh how much I appreciate watching others grow and learn, and I like when I am able to do the same. 

Life can be so difficult.....but there are always people that care and tools available to help us overcome, endure, transform, love and to be GREATER than our suffering - thankfully!! 

I love Autumn!

I love Autumn!  This is absolutely my favorite season of the year.  My favorite use to be Summer, but our Summers in Ohio are soooo long and humid that Fall has turned into my favorite season.  Now, don't get me wrong. I still love Summer.....I enjoy the sun and all of the outdoor activities you can do.  But there is just something about Fall.  Of course, the beauty would be what I love the most. I love, love, love seeing the leaves change on the trees.  There are so many beautiful colors represented as I walk, drive and jog through my neighborhood.  I am just thankful to be able to see this beauty.  I also think that Autumn just has this certain smell.  I can't explain it.... and yes.....I am kinda "funny" about smells.  There is just this nice "Autumny" crisp smell in the air.  And of course, I LOVE the smell of pumpkin candles.  I just plain love pumpkin anything.  I think pumpkins themselves are cute, but I also like anything made with pumpkin. I could eat it all year around.  The thought of a pumpkin roll, pumpkin spice latte, pumpkin pie.....all of it just brings a smile to my face. 

Unfortunately, I haven't allowed myself to enjoy Autumn quite as much this year.  I have been a bit ambivalent about many things lately. I didn't decorate around our house until a week or so ago, and even waited until the morning of, to buy trick-or-treat candy.  But regardless, it doesn't take away from the love in my heart that I have for Autumn. 

We are going to my friend Michele's annual Halloween Party tonight.  It should be fun. I haven't seen her since early August, so it will be great to see her again.  Not to mention, I have a silly costume AND I am bringing some amazing Dogfish Head Punkin' Ale, which I found out I adored last weekend while dining at the Winkin Lizard. 

Just taking a second to reflect upon my love for Autumn......and the peace that I typically think that it brings....even if it hasn't quite done that for me this year.  I still completely love it!! ;-)  Here is a picture to show my appreciation for this season.....

Me lovin' on my pumpkin!!! ;-)

Am I currently an Introvert???

I have been contemplating and self-reflecting quite a bit over the last few weeks. However, that is not a surprise because I constantly want to understand myself so that I can be a better person and be aware of my surroundings and how I am impacting people around me. I truly want to grow not only professionally (the usual), but I also greatly want to grow personally and I hope that this desire never falters.


However, anyway, as many of you know, I L-O-V-E the MBTI (Myers-Briggs Type Indicator). I was first introduced to it as a RA at Malone College (well now University) in Canton. I was sooooo incredibly happy to be chosen as a Resident Assistant and couldn't wait to live on a floor, foster a community, plan events, connect people and truly invest in others. It was a dream come true! I TRULY TRULY believe in community. I had such an amazing experience serving as a RA at Malone, I might add.....and still keep in contact of many of the wonderful woman that lived on my floor that year (thanks to Facebook). They were soooooo much fun. They were a rowdy, fun and a loud bunch......so once quiet hours began.....they knew to take off running of they heard my door open. It was an on-going joke. Oh, they were so fun. But anyway, this was when I was first introduced to truly understanding myself via the MBTI. I think that I did actually begin this journey when I became friends with Steph my freshmen year at Malone (our first day). We just had this instant connection.....one that I cannot understand and doubt will ever happen to me again in my lifetime. It was such a blessing.....and we were so fortunate to be in each other lives for quite a long time, including serving as RDs at Ashland University together for 2 years, (something I will always be forever thankful for - our time of self-reflection and discovery together). But anyway.......being completely open and honest with her.....someone who cared about people, was intuitive and wise......this was able to help me process and understand myself. Then comes this MBTI.....I didn't necessarily "buy into it" at the time.....I was 21......but yet, did notice that the results did parallel my personality fairly well.


It wasn't until I became a Residence Director at Ashland University (right out of undergrad), that we used this in our RD and RA training. I FELL IN LOVE as it really helped me to understand myself.....my strengths, my weaknesses, my abilities.....my limitations....why "I am the way that I am"!!! Oh wow.....how nice is this. My personality is neither right nor wrong.......it is just "who I am"!!! I am unique, just as others are unique and have differences......and the goal in this life (or at least in my life) is to bring about harmony in the midst. Helping one another to understand our differences....appreciate them.....bring about harmony (as much as possible, and if that person is mature enough) and then move-on.......


Yep, I was a VERY strong ESFJ.......which of course, has its good and bad aspects! I think it worked fairly well while working in Res Life.....as I enjoyed being with people, caring for people and was pretty organized. Now, I would depend on others to help me think big-picture and brainstorm holistically about how we can help students...... Now, my experience at SPU was a bit difference, I felt that the "S" aspect of my personality held me back a bit.....it was just a little different there. In my opinion, the "N" aspect of the personality was valued a bit more......they were all very talented in thinking big picture. So, I did feel a bit insecure in that aspect.....but still learned a lot through it, and loved my colleagues at SPU.


However, I must say that in an interview, if anyone knows anything about the MBTI......they pretty much guessed my type immediately (happened to me more than once).......so clearly I am fairly transparent. I suppose that is okay....... I certainly aim to be genuine.......


Now......I come to the main thought and intention of this blog. Over the last few weeks-month......I have noticed myself "shying" away from some social opportunities. I am always "usually" the first to "jump" at any social opportunity.....and I do have a diverse amount of friends.....so can stay fairly busy. But......and it has nothing to do with them.......but I have had hardly any energy to invest in important people in my life....which SUCKS. I care about my friends and those in my life.....and have still been able to spend time....and listen.....but no I don't have much energy to put forth (aka....not sharing much about me). Recently I have noticed myself turning down some social opportunities....which 1. makes me feel bad to do this to them (yep I am a people-pleaser) and 2. makes me not understand myself, because turning down a social opportunity is not like me. I am not even sure the last time I really initiated a social outing....other than the Nickelback outing with my siblings......


To many people, this may not seem like a big deal, but I notice that it is not the "usual me"....I am an extrovert that ALWAYS wants to be around people (that is how I gain my energy). I am certainly still a talker.....and LOVE my job and the people I work with...so have no problem interacting and being social........


But then I started to reflect when was the last time this happened to me (feeling more introverted)......since you know I am an "E" on the MBTI......have I "ever" not operated like an "I"?? Yep, it happened when I lived in Seattle. I remember John's suicide, my Grandpa being diagnosed with cancer, living far from friends and family, starting a new job......really caused me to operate more like an introvert (I am sure due to being emotionally exhausted and depleted). Now, don't get me wrong....there is NOTHING wrong with this, but whenever I notice myself doing something a bit out of the "typical Amy" I begin to ponder and reflect.
So.....what is going on with me.......I kinda "think" right now....do to some circumstances......I am definitely an emotional introvert......feeling depleted emotionally. I don't really share how I truly feel about "stuff" with anyone........so I think that part of me is much more introspective and introverted (which is sooooo bizarre to me.....not typically me - but that is okay). However, I also think that I may be a "tiny" bit of a social introvert right now too......as sometimes it has been hard for me to muster the energy to go to some social events as of recent. Now of course, as soon as I get there I always have a good time, because lets face it......I am/can be loud and do enjoy laughing, talking and visiting with others......


So anyway.......no answers......just a reflection...... I know that the MBTI gurus say your "type" doesn't change (well unless you are on the fence in some of the categories.....but I really am not). But I must say from personal experience, depending on what you are experiencing in your personal life.......you may begin to take on the "form" of another type (I truly believe this....because I trust my personal experience). I don't think this will last forever.....but definitely for the time being.......
Hmmmmm......... ;-)
 
Of course.....a little picture from PostSecret:

Do YOU Want to Make a Difference?

I DO!!!!!   A resounding gong should have "gonged" after that statement! ;-)  I sit here reading some different news articles on CNN and am reminded about how in this life I just really really want to make a difference in the lives of others.  Is that selfish??  Who knows.......  I am faaarrrrrr from perfect, but I think that I have a decently good heart, and just want so much for those around me - especially those I truly care about.  However, I so often get caught up in the mundane day-to-day things and forget about what really matters - OTHERS!!!! 

I still don't know how to truly make a difference in the lives of those around me......  I hope that my subtle acts do.....whether that be a smile, an encouraging word, an encouraging card (those only come every once and a while.....sorry), or just being there to listen when need be.  But I want to be able to give more!!!  I just have such a deep yearning to truly help people.  I can't even completely explain it in words. 

Yet, sometimes I feel so helpless and overwhelmed at the thought.....  How am I able to do this?  In what ways can I make a difference?  Does it need to be in my daily occupation?  Does it need to be in some volunteer opportunity (which I rarely do), or is it right in front of my face?

I don't think this is the only way that I will "hopefully" help others one day.....but I do want to somehow become involved in suicide prevention, perhaps a hotline?  Though, I don't know that I will EVER be strong enough to do that having dealt with it first hand (with my stepdad).  That really makes me feel like such a wimp because I do have such a heart for helping others in need, but I don't think I could be strong enough to help them in their greatest time of weakness......  Now how selfish is that?  Granted, I had a few issues (suicidal students) I dealt with while working in Residence Life......but that was back in 2005.  But tonight I read about two different suicide cases.  My heart just hurts DEEPLY.  But I feel like in these two particular situations, and in my stepdad's suicide.......I don't think they even thought of asking for help.  So.....yes, there are hotlines available which are such a blessing......but what about those that will never even think of utilizing them???  How can we, how can "I" reach out to these broken hearts(perhaps just education)?  I just hate hurt......and really hate to think of others hurting.......

But I really don't think that is the only way I can make a difference (suicide prevention)......the only way I can help others.....but yet I haven't been able to figure out how to put this into practice (helping others in some way)....to truly make a difference. And again, maybe I think tooooo hard and am making it too hard on myself.  Of course, I LOVE postsecret........so a few examples of some of my thoughts (being the visual person I am)............

For example.....I want "this girl" and every girl or boy like her to know that they are perfect!!  Of course we all fall short....but we are all given gifts, strengths and abilities that can be used for the good!  I would want to encourage her to look at perfection differently...........SHE is special!!!!

For this person.....oh my heart aches!!  I would hate to think I couldn't be myself.....or to know I would be judged by those I love. I mean of course there are always aspects of ourselves we keep hidden.....but this is such a huge part of this person's life....it makes me sad that he/she would be unaccepted because of "who she/he is".......we need to throw out the judgemental mentality and LOVE others and be accepting!!!!!!  HUGS to this person!!!

Of course, I am sure this person is talking about a romantic relationship......but I also interpret this as.....HEY sometimes WE ALL need hugs!!!!  I wish that hugs were given and accepted more often (I truly think it would help others feel cared about)!!  I LOVE HUGS and think they can really make you feel special!!!!  If applicable........HUG AWAY!!!  Let others know you care!

Finally, from this loooong blog.....in which I do want to find a way to make a difference in the lives of others, I found this picture......and perhaps I should figure out how I am to help people - making that a goal today....like this person did:

My sentiments EXACTLY!!!!!

Oh how my heart longs to help others..............