Oh Grandma - I miss you so very badly. I feel like with each day that passes I am reminded of how very much I miss you. You are gone.....those are such hard words for me to grasp. And although I am so very thankful I could be there at the end to help take care of you, and am thankful I was there to hold your hand until the end, and of course, I am so thankful you are not suffering.....it still hurts soooo very badly that you are gone. I love you so very much. I miss you so very much.
I just sat here this evening, touching the computer screen of the picture above, wishing that I could touch you again.....wishing I could see your smile....wishing we could have a heart-to-heart conversation. You meant/mean the world to me. You were so incredibly influential to my life. I am who I am because of you (the good parts, of course).
I feel conflicted as I know you would not want me to be sad or hurting....you would want me to be happy and jump back up and be living life to the fullest. But this week I have really been learning what it means to mourn and have really felt the absence in my life from your departure. I have moments where I am happy and myself, but then the very next second I can start to cry....and be sad at the fact you are gone.... I want to believe that you are watching over me....and maybe even at times right beside me, but I am not sure where my views stand on that. The one thing I do know is that you are a part of me. You are my Grandma....I came from my dad who came from YOU....so I know you are literally a part of me. That is what I am taking comfort in right now.
You are and always have been so incredibly beautiful both inside and out. I love the above picture of you. I hurried out on the morning of the 26th to get it blown up and framed for your funeral.....so that everyone could see your beautiful smile and so that Grandpa would have a beautiful momentum of you. This picture not only shows your beauty....but it shows your sincerity and your ability to be silly. I know I had you pose for this picture, because well that is me. I am so thankful for the bond that we had.
The below picture is buried with you....and framed in my living room....I love it!
I love you oh so much Grandma.....you were there for me all of the time. I think that losing you also hurts so much because I know how much you loved me and supported me....and that always meant so much to me. I have so many amazing memories of you....memories I will cherish, but also memories that make it harder to grieve and continue to move forward.
Again, I am so thankful you are no longer suffering as you never deserved any of that horrible health stuff that happened to you over the last 4.5 + years. You did nothing but give to others.....you didn't deserve to suffer. I am so sorry Grandma....I always wished each time that I saw you that I could take that pain and suffering away. But even in the pain and suffering, you were often positive......I enjoyed when you would smile....and the below picture from September of 2011 shows your amazing smile even in the midst of adversity.....
I shall continue to embrace and work through this pain from the absence of you. I will do this because I must trust that it will make me stronger. I must trust that I can become more like you in the midst....a strong lady that will help others and take care of others. Oh Grandma.....I wish I could tell you one more time how much I love you....give you another hug....oh what I wouldn't give for that.
Know that we all miss you so very, very, very much!!!
I know this isn't the last post I will write about my Grandma....she was so amazing and I have been missing her so much since her passing on 12/24/2011.
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