Okay.......so after my post last night (though raw and honest, and what I needed to write for myself), I thought that I should blog about something a bit more positive. Even though I do not usually blog quite as often as I have in the past week, I wanted this post to be more uplifting!!!
One of my favorite things is the MBTI! The Myers-Briggs Type Indicator. If you want to read about it, go to the following website: http://www.myersbriggs.org/ Now, I know what some of you are thinking......not a personality inventory.....not something that is going to put me "in a box." But I challenge you to think differently! I challenge you to think of it as a self-exploratory tool.....something that helps you to understand yourself. Then once you understand yourself you can begin to understand and appreciate others (this is a BIG reason why I love the MBTI so much)!!! How nice would that be........to understand others too, huh? You can then have a new found appreciation for others knowing that they are not necessarily acting a certain way to make your life more miserable (well......I guess some people still may choose to do that). :-)
Typically if someone knows the MBTI at all.....they can peg me pretty well, fairly quickly. I am pretty extreme, or dominant in each of the categories. I know when I have been asked my type before.....often someone will say, that is what I figured. I don't mind......I am "okay" knowing my strengths and weaknesses. My name is Amy, and I am a ESFJ!
The "E" means extrovert. Honestly, what this comes down to for me is where I draw my energy. I am energized by being around people.......by interacting with the external world/environment. I am a verbal processor...most definitely. I am pretty expressive. I am typically drained if I am by myself for too long. I cannot sit in my office by myself for very long before I MUST interact with someone (yes, true, my poor co-workers). I am not the most talkative or outgoing person you will ever meet.......but those are sometimes misnomers of being an extrovert. I always L-O-V-E when someone finds out that an outgoing person is an introvert. Being social and outgoing does not "necessarily" define whether someone is an introvert or an extrovert (it can, but not always).....again, where do you draw your energy?? What energizes you??
The "S" means I am a sensor. I am a very practical person that uses facts and my senses when taking in information. I am detail-oriented. This category mostly deals with how someone takes in information. I prefer dealing with concrete facts, I understand ideas and theories through practical application and I typically trust my experience. I am a very strong sensor. Whereas I am completely fine being a sensor, I admire "N's"!! I wish that I could be more of a global thinker, more imaginative and remember "specifics" when they relate to the pattern. I wish I could be a bit more big-picture oriented. I like surrounding myself with N's.......both in friendships and in work environments (as long as they are patient with how strong my "S'ness" is). :-) Actually, a lot of my closer friendships are and have been with N's - I think I am drawn to them. :-)
I am also a "F" - which means I am a feeler. I make my decisions based on my feelings - and boy do I!! I notice in talking or writing I will start sentences with, I feel rather than I think. I am empathetic, compassionate and strive for harmony. I certainly strive for harmony almost all of the time. Now that is not to say I will not disagree with something, but I will certainly look to or for a way to bring about harmony - a resolution - some kind of closure even if it is that we agree to disagree. I will often assess the impacts of decisions on the people around me. How will others be impacted by this decision???? Sometimes I take this a bit too far and can be a bit of a people-pleaser.
Finally, I am a "J" - or a judger. No, this doesn't mean that I judge people. In fact, I think that I am a fairly open-minded person......and try not to judge anyone (but that has nothing to do with the MBTI). Instead, a "J" personality likes order, is organized, makes lists, is methodical. I make both short and long-term plans a bit too much (though honestly.......I have found my long-term plans rarely happen the way I plan......so I personally do not do this as much anymore). But I do like to have things planned. Often my mind just does this naturally....putting things in order......planning whatever it is immediately. Sometimes the S and the J can be a bit too much together (in my opinion) because in this world of "order" it must make sense too - all of the details. This "may" be why I lack an imagination - what my loving husband always points out to me - ha. I don't often "dream" because of this part of my personality (I think) - the S & J. But anyway.......also with the J, I like to have things decided and prefer to avoid last-minute stresses. That doesn't mean I never procrastinate.....but usually my definition of procrastination will probably be different than someone else. :-) But I must admit......as I get older.......I find myself wanting more spontaneity. Sometimes I long to be more spontaneous......and appreciate this in others.
The following is a typical description of a ESFJ - Warmhearted, conscientious, and cooperative. Want harmony in their environment, work with determination to establish it. Like to work with others to complete tasks accurately and on time. Loyal, follow through even in small matters. Notice what others need in their day-by-day lives and try to provide it. Want to be appreciated for who they are and for what they contribute.
And yep, that pretty much describes ME exactly - for better or for worse!! ;-)
Monday, March 22, 2010
Sunday, March 21, 2010
DAMN CANCER!!!!!!
Yep, I said, it Damn Cancer! I know some may be offended by that, but I needed to attempt to use a strong word to get my point across. I know I could think of some better ones....but I shall keep this PG-13 rated. ;-)
Somehow I have been sheltered from death most of my life. Granted, I think that comes from being the oldest child, and having my parents be the oldest....and most of my family having kids very early in life (well obviously, WAAAAYYYY earlier than me). I recall losing 3 great grandparents when I was in 6th grade. I do remember them, but that didn't impact me too greatly as I was only in 6th grade, and I was not that close to them. Thinking back now.....I wish I were older to know how to comfort my grandparents whom lost their parents.....but I cannot allow myself to feel guilty about that.
Then, all of the sudden.....in my 20's......death started to impact my life. I lost my maternal great-grandma.......then my step-grandma suffered and died of throat cancer......then my great grandpa died sooner then he should have........then John committed suicide......then my amazing Grandpa Alspaugh suffered through and died from cancer........and NOW his mom (my great grandma) is dying of bone cancer. I know I have already spoken of her earlier in this blog.
I have visited her about every two weeks (as I was not able to do this with Grandpa because I was coming home from Seattle and he was at The Cancer Treatment Centers of America). Two weeks ago we (great grandma and I) had an amazing visit. She has never been much of a talker, but we did have a good little visit. I then saw a post on facebook about the middle of this past weekend from a great-aunt saying that Grandma has not be doing well and she is not eating. I remember this was when my Grandpa (her son) really started deteriorating back in August of 2005. After talking with my sister, we figured we better get to the Nursing home this weekend. And boy, am I ever so thankful that I did.
However, I was not expecting to see what I saw when I walked into the Nursing Home room. I should probably preface by saying I am an emotional wimp (that also has problems dealing with death)!! I am sure most people already know that.....and if you didn't, you have probably had some hunches after perusing my blog. But anyway, Ab and I walked into the room.....and POOR GRANDMA!!! I felt so bad for her, you could tell she was suffering, and I cannot handle seeing people suffer (yes, that is probably just a really selfish side of me). Not to mention, she looked a lot like Grandpa (her son) sitting in that room right before he died. She was very fragile, a bit yellow, her face was gaunt, and you could just tell she was unhappy, could hardly mumble and going in and out of consciousness (it was like de ja vue from August of 2005). OMG! I totally held myself together long enough to go up and give her a hug and kiss....and sit down beside her....hold her hand.....and try to talk "normal" to her.....but she could only mumble. I could not make out anything out she was saying to me. Still....trying to be sooooo strong, holding back the tears.....trying to think of things to talk about (which normally comes pretty easily for me, especially when needed). I was holding her hand....and then her daughter came in....so I backed away....and at that time burst into tears (not that Grandma saw), so Ab and I walked out into the hall. This is exactly what I did when I saw Grandpa for the last time. I fought back the tears....or for about 5 minutes.....long enough to hug him, tell him I loved them....try to find something to say.....sit down for a second.....then........those damn tears started rolling. Gosh....why am I such an emotional wimp????
Ab and I went out in the hall....she called Mom and told her she should really get out here to see Grandma as she is not doing very well at all. Mom did make it too. Grandma did verbally get out that she doesn't want to be alone......she says she knows she is about to die....and doesn't want to be alone. Oh, doesn't that break your heart?? But at the same time......I hope it goes quickly.......... Thankfully they have given her different kinds of pain medications that have helped keep the pain from bone cancer and her deteriorating body under control. That is what is most important to all of us.
But anyway, back to my main point - DAMN CANCER!!! I have met so many people over the last few years that have cancer, or are cancer survivors. Each and every one of these people are hero's in my mind. I do not care if your currently cancer-free......you have still suffered and experienced a horrible emotional roller coaster. And to those that are currently in the midst of the battle......keep fighting that battle. My heart completely goes out to you. I hope that you have wonderful family to support you during this time as it is very important.
And please....please....to everyone.....NEVER forget to say what you need to say to those that are important to you. I find it so vitally important to express your emotions at all times....letting them know how much you care about them....and I am not just talking about those that are dying of cancer or something else. You should be willing to express everyday how much you care about those around you, regardless of the current situation - even if they are perfectly healthy.
Right now I am so thankful that my strong, wonderful and amazing brother is currently 3-years cancer-free!!! He is so strong and I am so proud of him. I so deeply hope he continues to get the clean tests. I love him so much!!!
Sooooooo.....damn that cancer.....and please keep my Grandma in your thoughts........thank you!
Somehow I have been sheltered from death most of my life. Granted, I think that comes from being the oldest child, and having my parents be the oldest....and most of my family having kids very early in life (well obviously, WAAAAYYYY earlier than me). I recall losing 3 great grandparents when I was in 6th grade. I do remember them, but that didn't impact me too greatly as I was only in 6th grade, and I was not that close to them. Thinking back now.....I wish I were older to know how to comfort my grandparents whom lost their parents.....but I cannot allow myself to feel guilty about that.
Then, all of the sudden.....in my 20's......death started to impact my life. I lost my maternal great-grandma.......then my step-grandma suffered and died of throat cancer......then my great grandpa died sooner then he should have........then John committed suicide......then my amazing Grandpa Alspaugh suffered through and died from cancer........and NOW his mom (my great grandma) is dying of bone cancer. I know I have already spoken of her earlier in this blog.
I have visited her about every two weeks (as I was not able to do this with Grandpa because I was coming home from Seattle and he was at The Cancer Treatment Centers of America). Two weeks ago we (great grandma and I) had an amazing visit. She has never been much of a talker, but we did have a good little visit. I then saw a post on facebook about the middle of this past weekend from a great-aunt saying that Grandma has not be doing well and she is not eating. I remember this was when my Grandpa (her son) really started deteriorating back in August of 2005. After talking with my sister, we figured we better get to the Nursing home this weekend. And boy, am I ever so thankful that I did.
However, I was not expecting to see what I saw when I walked into the Nursing Home room. I should probably preface by saying I am an emotional wimp (that also has problems dealing with death)!! I am sure most people already know that.....and if you didn't, you have probably had some hunches after perusing my blog. But anyway, Ab and I walked into the room.....and POOR GRANDMA!!! I felt so bad for her, you could tell she was suffering, and I cannot handle seeing people suffer (yes, that is probably just a really selfish side of me). Not to mention, she looked a lot like Grandpa (her son) sitting in that room right before he died. She was very fragile, a bit yellow, her face was gaunt, and you could just tell she was unhappy, could hardly mumble and going in and out of consciousness (it was like de ja vue from August of 2005). OMG! I totally held myself together long enough to go up and give her a hug and kiss....and sit down beside her....hold her hand.....and try to talk "normal" to her.....but she could only mumble. I could not make out anything out she was saying to me. Still....trying to be sooooo strong, holding back the tears.....trying to think of things to talk about (which normally comes pretty easily for me, especially when needed). I was holding her hand....and then her daughter came in....so I backed away....and at that time burst into tears (not that Grandma saw), so Ab and I walked out into the hall. This is exactly what I did when I saw Grandpa for the last time. I fought back the tears....or for about 5 minutes.....long enough to hug him, tell him I loved them....try to find something to say.....sit down for a second.....then........those damn tears started rolling. Gosh....why am I such an emotional wimp????
Ab and I went out in the hall....she called Mom and told her she should really get out here to see Grandma as she is not doing very well at all. Mom did make it too. Grandma did verbally get out that she doesn't want to be alone......she says she knows she is about to die....and doesn't want to be alone. Oh, doesn't that break your heart?? But at the same time......I hope it goes quickly.......... Thankfully they have given her different kinds of pain medications that have helped keep the pain from bone cancer and her deteriorating body under control. That is what is most important to all of us.
But anyway, back to my main point - DAMN CANCER!!! I have met so many people over the last few years that have cancer, or are cancer survivors. Each and every one of these people are hero's in my mind. I do not care if your currently cancer-free......you have still suffered and experienced a horrible emotional roller coaster. And to those that are currently in the midst of the battle......keep fighting that battle. My heart completely goes out to you. I hope that you have wonderful family to support you during this time as it is very important.
And please....please....to everyone.....NEVER forget to say what you need to say to those that are important to you. I find it so vitally important to express your emotions at all times....letting them know how much you care about them....and I am not just talking about those that are dying of cancer or something else. You should be willing to express everyday how much you care about those around you, regardless of the current situation - even if they are perfectly healthy.
Right now I am so thankful that my strong, wonderful and amazing brother is currently 3-years cancer-free!!! He is so strong and I am so proud of him. I so deeply hope he continues to get the clean tests. I love him so much!!!
Sooooooo.....damn that cancer.....and please keep my Grandma in your thoughts........thank you!
Saturday, March 20, 2010
Nonviolent Communication.......
So, I have this amazing friend Jennie whom is very wise! ;-) I like to listen and learn from her. She reads a lot (unlike me).......so I glean from her knowledge. But anyway, the other day while we were eating this yummy yogurt together at lunch, she was talking about this conference she and her husband will be attending on nonviolent communication. I intrigued, asked a few more questions......learning from her wisdom....and then she emailed me some links to the concept.
I shall provide you the link to this great article that begins to talk about it - http://www.cnvc.org/en/learn-online/nvc-chapter-1/nonviolent-communication-language-compassion
I LOVED reading about this concept. Now, let me preface by saying, I LOVE the concept but know that it would be really hard to put into action (the way to communicate and respond the way they are referring to, especially in difficult situations). For some reason, I feel like deep down this is kind of natural for me and how I want to respond.....but know that I do not always, well actually rarely practice it.
So, the "article" in the link I provided above begins with this quote:
“What I want in my life is compassion, a flow between myself and others based on a mutual giving from the heart.”—Marshall B. Rosenberg
Now who wouldn't want this in their life? Well, I suppose maybe some people wouldn't.... But for those that wouldn't, is that a natural reaction? Or a reaction based upon what we have experienced in life that has broken us down.....and skewed our view of ourselves and others?
In his first paragraph he asks the following questions, "What happens to disconnect us from our compassionate nature, leading us to behave violently and exploitatively? And conversely, what allows some people to stay connected to their compassionate nature under even the most trying circumstances?" Surprisingly these are some questions I have pondered from time-to-time, so I love to hear that others wonder, care and research such topics. Often I try to take a step back, and in simple terms, wondering why someone would respond or react the way they did (again, I am speaking more about subtle, everyday interactions.....not violent crimes). I try to understand "where" that person may be coming from....what is currently going on (if I know) that may be causing them to respond to or treat others they way they do. Now, in his article he gives some very extreme examples......but it does really make you wonder and stand in awe of how strong some people are.
There were also lyrics to a song he provided on this site that I absolutely loved and thought I would share them (I do not know the song, but liked the lyrics).
I never feel more given to
than when you take from me —
when you understand the joy I feel
giving to you.
And you know my giving isn’t done
to put you in my debt,
but because I want to live the love
I feel for you.
To receive with grace
may be the greatest giving.
There’s no way I can separate
the two.When you give to me,
I give you my receiving.
When you take from me, I feel so
given to.
Song “Given To” (1978) by Ruth Bebermeyer from the album, “Given To.”
Now I greatly enjoyed the lyrics to this song and could resonate with it and feel this way in my relationships and those that are important to me. Now, I know I am going in a little different direction from the beginning of my blog. But after posting the above lyrics, the author went on to say, "When we give from the heart, we do so out of a joy that springs forth whenever we willingly enrich another person’s life. This kind of giving benefits both the giver and the receiver. The receiver enjoys the gift without worrying about the consequences that accompany gifts given out of fear, guilt, shame, or desire for gain. The giver benefits from the enhanced self-esteem that results when we see our efforts contributing to someone’s well-being." This is often how I feel in life, especially when I think of those friendships/relationships that are important to me. I love to give, and often when someone "gives or shares" from the heart with me.......it fills me. Hmmm...not sure I am making sense....but it is making sense in my mind. ;-) I love to connect....and when others genuinely connect, my heart feels full.
Anyway, take a look at the site, it is pretty interesting. I am about to reserve the book at the library to try and learn a bit more.
I shall provide you the link to this great article that begins to talk about it - http://www.cnvc.org/en/learn-online/nvc-chapter-1/nonviolent-communication-language-compassion
I LOVED reading about this concept. Now, let me preface by saying, I LOVE the concept but know that it would be really hard to put into action (the way to communicate and respond the way they are referring to, especially in difficult situations). For some reason, I feel like deep down this is kind of natural for me and how I want to respond.....but know that I do not always, well actually rarely practice it.
So, the "article" in the link I provided above begins with this quote:
“What I want in my life is compassion, a flow between myself and others based on a mutual giving from the heart.”—Marshall B. Rosenberg
Now who wouldn't want this in their life? Well, I suppose maybe some people wouldn't.... But for those that wouldn't, is that a natural reaction? Or a reaction based upon what we have experienced in life that has broken us down.....and skewed our view of ourselves and others?
In his first paragraph he asks the following questions, "What happens to disconnect us from our compassionate nature, leading us to behave violently and exploitatively? And conversely, what allows some people to stay connected to their compassionate nature under even the most trying circumstances?" Surprisingly these are some questions I have pondered from time-to-time, so I love to hear that others wonder, care and research such topics. Often I try to take a step back, and in simple terms, wondering why someone would respond or react the way they did (again, I am speaking more about subtle, everyday interactions.....not violent crimes). I try to understand "where" that person may be coming from....what is currently going on (if I know) that may be causing them to respond to or treat others they way they do. Now, in his article he gives some very extreme examples......but it does really make you wonder and stand in awe of how strong some people are.
There were also lyrics to a song he provided on this site that I absolutely loved and thought I would share them (I do not know the song, but liked the lyrics).
I never feel more given to
than when you take from me —
when you understand the joy I feel
giving to you.
And you know my giving isn’t done
to put you in my debt,
but because I want to live the love
I feel for you.
To receive with grace
may be the greatest giving.
There’s no way I can separate
the two.When you give to me,
I give you my receiving.
When you take from me, I feel so
given to.
Song “Given To” (1978) by Ruth Bebermeyer from the album, “Given To.”
Now I greatly enjoyed the lyrics to this song and could resonate with it and feel this way in my relationships and those that are important to me. Now, I know I am going in a little different direction from the beginning of my blog. But after posting the above lyrics, the author went on to say, "When we give from the heart, we do so out of a joy that springs forth whenever we willingly enrich another person’s life. This kind of giving benefits both the giver and the receiver. The receiver enjoys the gift without worrying about the consequences that accompany gifts given out of fear, guilt, shame, or desire for gain. The giver benefits from the enhanced self-esteem that results when we see our efforts contributing to someone’s well-being." This is often how I feel in life, especially when I think of those friendships/relationships that are important to me. I love to give, and often when someone "gives or shares" from the heart with me.......it fills me. Hmmm...not sure I am making sense....but it is making sense in my mind. ;-) I love to connect....and when others genuinely connect, my heart feels full.
Anyway, take a look at the site, it is pretty interesting. I am about to reserve the book at the library to try and learn a bit more.
Thursday, March 18, 2010
Self Worth.....
So....I have a few minutes to write a few thoughts that I have been pondering over the last few minutes after a discussion earlier today. I am sitting at work, but officially finished at work....just waiting until I head off to downtown to teach my Franklin class tonight (for 4 hours, I might add). So......
Where do you find your self worth?? I started thinking about my identity....and were do I get my worth from? I would say in a more recent past....like 10 years ago, I would say my faith and maybe lessons learned in life. However, now.........I sit here and ponder it a bit more.....because my life is a bit different now. I think often, I base my self worth on perfection.....or imperfection in my life....but that is an entire other blog. I also think I often base it on MY strength and HATE when I fall short.....and I have been personally feeling like I am falling very short in being strong and admitting weakness lately. Really only 1 person knows that right now....and the details involved. But apart from my personal characteristics....whether good or bad.....I really think I feel good about myself when I connect with others. I really think I find myself more confident and "worthy" when I am able to make connections with people. When I am able to learn about people (invest).....find commonalities and truly be vulnerable and share in those commonalities. Sure, that doesn't happen too often....and sometimes they may be non-deep commonalities....but still topics you can "relate" to or talk about. I am thankful for the friendships I have!
Sometimes I wonder why I am such a relational person......and if I am feeling "off" relationally....it makes my day less happy. I suppose that is what got me thinking that I may find some of my worth (or most of it) in my friendships and relationships with others. And by that, I don't mean they need to give to me......but I find "worth" in connection....in spending time with others....in investing and giving to them. That leaves me satisfied and happy....
Hmmmm.....probably something I should ponder a bit more. Oh, and of course......get over trying to be perfect and strong all of the time. But those are issues I will probably be dealing with for a long, very long time!!!! ;-)
I am sure I find self worth in other things too........but these are just some thoughts I had this afternoon. And since there is no one here to talk to.......I am blogging!!! Luck you, readers! ;-)
Where do you find your self worth?? I started thinking about my identity....and were do I get my worth from? I would say in a more recent past....like 10 years ago, I would say my faith and maybe lessons learned in life. However, now.........I sit here and ponder it a bit more.....because my life is a bit different now. I think often, I base my self worth on perfection.....or imperfection in my life....but that is an entire other blog. I also think I often base it on MY strength and HATE when I fall short.....and I have been personally feeling like I am falling very short in being strong and admitting weakness lately. Really only 1 person knows that right now....and the details involved. But apart from my personal characteristics....whether good or bad.....I really think I feel good about myself when I connect with others. I really think I find myself more confident and "worthy" when I am able to make connections with people. When I am able to learn about people (invest).....find commonalities and truly be vulnerable and share in those commonalities. Sure, that doesn't happen too often....and sometimes they may be non-deep commonalities....but still topics you can "relate" to or talk about. I am thankful for the friendships I have!
Sometimes I wonder why I am such a relational person......and if I am feeling "off" relationally....it makes my day less happy. I suppose that is what got me thinking that I may find some of my worth (or most of it) in my friendships and relationships with others. And by that, I don't mean they need to give to me......but I find "worth" in connection....in spending time with others....in investing and giving to them. That leaves me satisfied and happy....
Hmmmm.....probably something I should ponder a bit more. Oh, and of course......get over trying to be perfect and strong all of the time. But those are issues I will probably be dealing with for a long, very long time!!!! ;-)
I am sure I find self worth in other things too........but these are just some thoughts I had this afternoon. And since there is no one here to talk to.......I am blogging!!! Luck you, readers! ;-)
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
I want to be........
lighthearted! I know, I know......it may sound simple and silly, but something I have been thinking about lately. I wish I were lighthearted .....TRULY lighthearted. The definition on dictionary.com (sorry to give another definition in this blog) is carefree, cheerful, gay, a lighthearted laugh. It sounds so simple, huh? But yet........I struggle with it.......which I think is why I long to be it so much.
I can't explain it........to be lighthearted is something I yearn for very much internally. I enjoy being cheerful, and of course, I know that life gets in the way at times. Thus, it is not possible to always be cheerful and gay, which is fine with me......I get that. I "like" to think I am a fairly positive person......which would mean I kind of possess cheer at times (hopefully more times than not). But I sometimes wish I would let "life" get in the way a little less..........and possess "cheer" more often.......
Now onto the more difficult part of the definition.......carefree!!!! Ouch!!!! Definition of carefree - without anxiety or worry. Hmmmm.......yeah, I definitely do not exhibit/possess this part of "lightheartedness" well! I have always been a bit of a worrier.....ever since I was a little kid. I remember worrying as early as age 6'ish.....or at least when my parents were still married....so sometime before 7-8. So, sure, worrying comes natural to me (unfortunately), but worry never really impacted me that much. But then anxiety (on the other hand).......that came into my life about 5.5 years ago. I have tried soooooo many different things to try and become less anxious.....more carefree....but unfortunately there isn't much that works. Hence.......why I long to be lighthearted so desperately. And kind of along the same lines.......I long to not allow my emotions to impact me so much. Sure, I feel so many things so deeply........but I wish I could "feel" a bit less.......hence maybe have a little less anxiety in my life. Maybe??? :-) Or at least maybe I could convince and learn to fake it better.....fake so much I begin to believe and possess it??? Yeah....probably not the answer, especially since I highly value authenticity.
Thankfully, for the most part, my anxiety does not hinder my work or my relationships. Instead, it is something that is more "crippling" inside of me. Something that haunts me.....something I cannot always explain or put into words. This anxiety is not always brought on by something in particular...........which frustrates my practical mind. I cannot always explain it or put it into words.........the verbal side of me unable to get it out...... Yikes....two strikes against me.....the practical side unable to understand/make sense of it....and the verbal side unable to process out loud and put it into words - oh man! :-)
I try to find ways to incorporate more lightheartedness in my life (and I am truly writing this blog with a lighthearted intention - aka a lightheart). Rather incorporating those ways by partaking in the activities I enjoy......the people I surround myself with (or choose "not" to surround myself with)......what I allow to affect me. But I TRULY do want to be lighthearted. I want to be referred to as....Amy.....that lighthearted individual. Yes, again, I know silly........but something I certainly long for and can hope one day to possess a bit more.......fingers crossed......maybe it will happen one day......(as I let out a lighthearted laugh)! :-) :-) :-)
I can't explain it........to be lighthearted is something I yearn for very much internally. I enjoy being cheerful, and of course, I know that life gets in the way at times. Thus, it is not possible to always be cheerful and gay, which is fine with me......I get that. I "like" to think I am a fairly positive person......which would mean I kind of possess cheer at times (hopefully more times than not). But I sometimes wish I would let "life" get in the way a little less..........and possess "cheer" more often.......
Now onto the more difficult part of the definition.......carefree!!!! Ouch!!!! Definition of carefree - without anxiety or worry. Hmmmm.......yeah, I definitely do not exhibit/possess this part of "lightheartedness" well! I have always been a bit of a worrier.....ever since I was a little kid. I remember worrying as early as age 6'ish.....or at least when my parents were still married....so sometime before 7-8. So, sure, worrying comes natural to me (unfortunately), but worry never really impacted me that much. But then anxiety (on the other hand).......that came into my life about 5.5 years ago. I have tried soooooo many different things to try and become less anxious.....more carefree....but unfortunately there isn't much that works. Hence.......why I long to be lighthearted so desperately. And kind of along the same lines.......I long to not allow my emotions to impact me so much. Sure, I feel so many things so deeply........but I wish I could "feel" a bit less.......hence maybe have a little less anxiety in my life. Maybe??? :-) Or at least maybe I could convince and learn to fake it better.....fake so much I begin to believe and possess it??? Yeah....probably not the answer, especially since I highly value authenticity.
Thankfully, for the most part, my anxiety does not hinder my work or my relationships. Instead, it is something that is more "crippling" inside of me. Something that haunts me.....something I cannot always explain or put into words. This anxiety is not always brought on by something in particular...........which frustrates my practical mind. I cannot always explain it or put it into words.........the verbal side of me unable to get it out...... Yikes....two strikes against me.....the practical side unable to understand/make sense of it....and the verbal side unable to process out loud and put it into words - oh man! :-)
I try to find ways to incorporate more lightheartedness in my life (and I am truly writing this blog with a lighthearted intention - aka a lightheart). Rather incorporating those ways by partaking in the activities I enjoy......the people I surround myself with (or choose "not" to surround myself with)......what I allow to affect me. But I TRULY do want to be lighthearted. I want to be referred to as....Amy.....that lighthearted individual. Yes, again, I know silly........but something I certainly long for and can hope one day to possess a bit more.......fingers crossed......maybe it will happen one day......(as I let out a lighthearted laugh)! :-) :-) :-)
Sunday, March 14, 2010
Things I Enjoy......
I am sitting here on a Sunday evening.....trying to relax (hence the word, trying). I am watching a little Lifetime (yay.......one of my guilty pleasures).......and obviously procrastinating grading research papers from my Franklin students. I find it quite interesting because I sometimes like the idea of "not" having something planned or something to do......a thought of just doing nothing sounds dreamy. But then I usually start to go stir-crazy and need to do something....... anything....go anywhere.
As I sit here with my kitties sleeping right beside me I decided to blog about things I enjoy. Trying to foster some positivity on this gloomy Sunday. So......here it goes. :-)
1. I enjoy watching movies!! Yep.....I say that as I am sitting here watching a silly Lifetime movie. I like to watch all kind of movies....well, except Sci-Fi and I am not much a "war movie" kind of girl. I particularly love romantic comedies.....but am also intrigued by horror/suspense movies. I could seriously watch a movie everyday (and sometimes do)!!
2. I enjoy and am thankful that I can exercise. I know that may sound silly and simplistic, and I am certainly not a "good runner".....but I am thankful that I can move.....walk....run.... There are many people that cannot do this for whatever reason, but I can. It reminds me not to take it for granted. I just ran my second half-marathon a few weeks ago. And though I was gritting my teeth at points....asking myself....why am I doing this?? I was still so proud when I crossed that finish line.
3. I enjoy going for peaceful walks in our neighborhood. Matt and I will often walk around our little quaint area of Columbus. I like the fact it is getting warmer....so we can do it more often.
4. I also enjoy the blooms of Spring and the amazing colors of Autumn. I enjoy these two seasons. I actually do enjoy all seasons for different reasons......but just find such joy in the pastel colors, colorful blooms and beautiful tulips of Spring (oh, and the Reeses Peanut Butter Easter Eggs - ha). It is an amazing rebirth after the dreary months. And Autumn......I just LOVE Autumn....the beautiful orange colors. I love pumpkins....I love the smell of pumpkin candles.....I love to eat anything with pumpkin. I love the crisp coolness in the air after a warm Summer. I love the "smell" of Autumn.....yes, I think it has a distinct smell!!
5. I enjoy that we live so close to the bike path. I am thankful we can get to it quickly....whether it be to go for a run or go for a great bike ride. I just love living in Columbus....especially in our location.
6. I enjoy that there are so many vegetarian-friendly restaurants. :-) Of course! I love Patty Cake Vegan - an amazing bakery in Clintonville. I love Northstar......I love Betty's....I love Aladdins....I love Whole World Bakery (and hope they open again soon)..........I love Columbus!! :-)
7. I enjoy baking......especially trying new vegan recipes. I may not always be the best baker, but I do enjoy it!
8. I enjoy OSU football season. I was never much of a sports watcher....I was a cheerleader a little in high school and would jog from time-to-time, but certainly never "the" athlete. However, a few years ago I really started to get into watching OSU football. Now, I will schedule my life around the games. There is nothing better than eating some pizza and drinking some beer while cheering on the Buckeyes!!! Of course, it is always good to make it to at least one game a season, which thankfully I have been able to do the past two seasons.
9. I enjoy my job (especially my new position) - I love advising. I love meeting with students and assisting and walking along side of them during this time. I also love OSU and the many great people I have been able to meet and become friends with.
10. Of course, I enjoy my family and my kitties! I am looking forward to hanging out with my brother and sister (and our spouses) at the end of the month!!! I am thankful that my Grandma D. is doing pretty well....and so thankful that she has a good and loyal husband that takes care of her. I am also thankful that my Great Grandma A. is still holding on.......
11. And.....of course, I enjoy people and my friendships. I like that I have such diversity in friendships. I am thankful for the couple of friends that I can really share deep aspects of my life with.....but I am also thankful for those that are just darn fun.....and you know can be silly with. I think that it can be difficult to make friends as you get older.....but I am thankful that I have been able to still meet people - great people over the last few years.....and thankful for friends I have known for a long time and can reconnect with from time to time. I really think I have my career to thank for this. I have met so many great people from working in higher education over the last "almost" 9 years.
Okay.....I am sure I could go on......but this is long enough and has made me feel happy. :-) I will finish the blog with a picture from my half-marathon a few weeks ago. It is one of my favorites, especially because I was still smiling at this point.
As I sit here with my kitties sleeping right beside me I decided to blog about things I enjoy. Trying to foster some positivity on this gloomy Sunday. So......here it goes. :-)
1. I enjoy watching movies!! Yep.....I say that as I am sitting here watching a silly Lifetime movie. I like to watch all kind of movies....well, except Sci-Fi and I am not much a "war movie" kind of girl. I particularly love romantic comedies.....but am also intrigued by horror/suspense movies. I could seriously watch a movie everyday (and sometimes do)!!
2. I enjoy and am thankful that I can exercise. I know that may sound silly and simplistic, and I am certainly not a "good runner".....but I am thankful that I can move.....walk....run.... There are many people that cannot do this for whatever reason, but I can. It reminds me not to take it for granted. I just ran my second half-marathon a few weeks ago. And though I was gritting my teeth at points....asking myself....why am I doing this?? I was still so proud when I crossed that finish line.
3. I enjoy going for peaceful walks in our neighborhood. Matt and I will often walk around our little quaint area of Columbus. I like the fact it is getting warmer....so we can do it more often.
4. I also enjoy the blooms of Spring and the amazing colors of Autumn. I enjoy these two seasons. I actually do enjoy all seasons for different reasons......but just find such joy in the pastel colors, colorful blooms and beautiful tulips of Spring (oh, and the Reeses Peanut Butter Easter Eggs - ha). It is an amazing rebirth after the dreary months. And Autumn......I just LOVE Autumn....the beautiful orange colors. I love pumpkins....I love the smell of pumpkin candles.....I love to eat anything with pumpkin. I love the crisp coolness in the air after a warm Summer. I love the "smell" of Autumn.....yes, I think it has a distinct smell!!
5. I enjoy that we live so close to the bike path. I am thankful we can get to it quickly....whether it be to go for a run or go for a great bike ride. I just love living in Columbus....especially in our location.
6. I enjoy that there are so many vegetarian-friendly restaurants. :-) Of course! I love Patty Cake Vegan - an amazing bakery in Clintonville. I love Northstar......I love Betty's....I love Aladdins....I love Whole World Bakery (and hope they open again soon)..........I love Columbus!! :-)
7. I enjoy baking......especially trying new vegan recipes. I may not always be the best baker, but I do enjoy it!
8. I enjoy OSU football season. I was never much of a sports watcher....I was a cheerleader a little in high school and would jog from time-to-time, but certainly never "the" athlete. However, a few years ago I really started to get into watching OSU football. Now, I will schedule my life around the games. There is nothing better than eating some pizza and drinking some beer while cheering on the Buckeyes!!! Of course, it is always good to make it to at least one game a season, which thankfully I have been able to do the past two seasons.
9. I enjoy my job (especially my new position) - I love advising. I love meeting with students and assisting and walking along side of them during this time. I also love OSU and the many great people I have been able to meet and become friends with.
10. Of course, I enjoy my family and my kitties! I am looking forward to hanging out with my brother and sister (and our spouses) at the end of the month!!! I am thankful that my Grandma D. is doing pretty well....and so thankful that she has a good and loyal husband that takes care of her. I am also thankful that my Great Grandma A. is still holding on.......
11. And.....of course, I enjoy people and my friendships. I like that I have such diversity in friendships. I am thankful for the couple of friends that I can really share deep aspects of my life with.....but I am also thankful for those that are just darn fun.....and you know can be silly with. I think that it can be difficult to make friends as you get older.....but I am thankful that I have been able to still meet people - great people over the last few years.....and thankful for friends I have known for a long time and can reconnect with from time to time. I really think I have my career to thank for this. I have met so many great people from working in higher education over the last "almost" 9 years.
Okay.....I am sure I could go on......but this is long enough and has made me feel happy. :-) I will finish the blog with a picture from my half-marathon a few weeks ago. It is one of my favorites, especially because I was still smiling at this point.
Sunday, March 7, 2010
Vulnerability.........
One definition (according to dictionary.com) of vulnerable is....."capable of or susceptible to being wounded or hurt." I find this very interesting, as I have never looked up the actual definition, but instead, infer my own definition. Of course, I am more referring to making oneself vulnerable in relationships. Yep, relationships....what I am all about.
I have been thinking about this word a bit over the last few weeks. I think that in authentic relationships, there is a need.....it is a must to eventually allow yourself to be vulnerable. I mean how else do you expect to build a deep relationship? However, I do realize, that for whatever reason, many find this difficult. Hell, I have been finding this concept a bit difficult lately (in all honesty).
I myself am a pretty open person. If you want to know something about me....or want my thoughts on a topic....especially if I have experienced it, I am usually more than willing to share. I enjoy learning about others and learning about myself from sharing and receiving feedback. But lately, I have been thinking that I am not quite as open as I originally had thought. Yes, I am sure to most people my "openness" would be considered VERY open, as most people tend to have their guard up most of the time. However, even with what I share (in my openness)....there is usually something deeper to the topic I am not sharing. So, I still have a guard up even if I do appear open. Then I wonder.......why has this been bothering me lately?
Even though I really have not shared anything in this blog that I probably wouldn't talk about with the average person.....for some reason this week I started feeling like I have allowed myself to be a bit too vulnerable in my blog (though probably only about 5 people read it - ha). I even thought about deleting it. I actually did go back and delete a few entries...... And of course there are many things I choose not to blog about for this very reason. But.....why is this "vulnerability - or lack thereof" all of the sudden bothering me as of lately? Even as I type this.....I feel a bit uncomfortable.
Well, I certainly do not have the answer to the questions I am currently pondering about myself... :-) But instead, have just been reflecting. I have also been thinking about how thankful I am for those relationships where it is easy and natural to be vulnerable. I often like to look back over my short life thus far and think about what has strengthened me and helped me to get to where I am today. When I really "get down to it"......it has been those couple of CLOSE relationships over the years....those relationships where it was/is natural to be vulnerable. These relationships/friendships have helped get me to where I am today. Perhaps that is why I like the thought of being vulnerable....because when I chose to be truly vulnerable I have truly blossomed from it (thankfully choosing the couple of appropriate people/friends). Of course, I am not saying that we need to be vulnerable (truly vulnerable) in every friendship that we have, but hopefully there are small aspects of our lives in which we are able to. But instead, treasure those miracle friendships that come along every once in while (and hopefully remain)......allow yourself to be vulnerable with these people that you trust. Allow yourself to learn from one another. Perhaps I am challenging myself right now too. :-)
Every once in a while.....allow yourself to be "capable of or susceptible to being wounded or hurt".... you never know what you might gain from doing this.
I have been thinking about this word a bit over the last few weeks. I think that in authentic relationships, there is a need.....it is a must to eventually allow yourself to be vulnerable. I mean how else do you expect to build a deep relationship? However, I do realize, that for whatever reason, many find this difficult. Hell, I have been finding this concept a bit difficult lately (in all honesty).
I myself am a pretty open person. If you want to know something about me....or want my thoughts on a topic....especially if I have experienced it, I am usually more than willing to share. I enjoy learning about others and learning about myself from sharing and receiving feedback. But lately, I have been thinking that I am not quite as open as I originally had thought. Yes, I am sure to most people my "openness" would be considered VERY open, as most people tend to have their guard up most of the time. However, even with what I share (in my openness)....there is usually something deeper to the topic I am not sharing. So, I still have a guard up even if I do appear open. Then I wonder.......why has this been bothering me lately?
Even though I really have not shared anything in this blog that I probably wouldn't talk about with the average person.....for some reason this week I started feeling like I have allowed myself to be a bit too vulnerable in my blog (though probably only about 5 people read it - ha). I even thought about deleting it. I actually did go back and delete a few entries...... And of course there are many things I choose not to blog about for this very reason. But.....why is this "vulnerability - or lack thereof" all of the sudden bothering me as of lately? Even as I type this.....I feel a bit uncomfortable.
Well, I certainly do not have the answer to the questions I am currently pondering about myself... :-) But instead, have just been reflecting. I have also been thinking about how thankful I am for those relationships where it is easy and natural to be vulnerable. I often like to look back over my short life thus far and think about what has strengthened me and helped me to get to where I am today. When I really "get down to it"......it has been those couple of CLOSE relationships over the years....those relationships where it was/is natural to be vulnerable. These relationships/friendships have helped get me to where I am today. Perhaps that is why I like the thought of being vulnerable....because when I chose to be truly vulnerable I have truly blossomed from it (thankfully choosing the couple of appropriate people/friends). Of course, I am not saying that we need to be vulnerable (truly vulnerable) in every friendship that we have, but hopefully there are small aspects of our lives in which we are able to. But instead, treasure those miracle friendships that come along every once in while (and hopefully remain)......allow yourself to be vulnerable with these people that you trust. Allow yourself to learn from one another. Perhaps I am challenging myself right now too. :-)
Every once in a while.....allow yourself to be "capable of or susceptible to being wounded or hurt".... you never know what you might gain from doing this.
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