I want to be........

lighthearted! I know, I know......it may sound simple and silly, but something I have been thinking about lately. I wish I were lighthearted .....TRULY lighthearted. The definition on dictionary.com (sorry to give another definition in this blog) is carefree, cheerful, gay, a lighthearted laugh. It sounds so simple, huh? But yet........I struggle with it.......which I think is why I long to be it so much.

I can't explain it........to be lighthearted is something I yearn for very much internally. I enjoy being cheerful, and of course, I know that life gets in the way at times. Thus, it is not possible to always be cheerful and gay, which is fine with me......I get that. I "like" to think I am a fairly positive person......which would mean I kind of possess cheer at times (hopefully more times than not). But I sometimes wish I would let "life" get in the way a little less..........and possess "cheer" more often.......

Now onto the more difficult part of the definition.......carefree!!!! Ouch!!!! Definition of carefree - without anxiety or worry. Hmmmm.......yeah, I definitely do not exhibit/possess this part of "lightheartedness" well! I have always been a bit of a worrier.....ever since I was a little kid. I remember worrying as early as age 6'ish.....or at least when my parents were still married....so sometime before 7-8. So, sure, worrying comes natural to me (unfortunately), but worry never really impacted me that much. But then anxiety (on the other hand).......that came into my life about 5.5 years ago. I have tried soooooo many different things to try and become less anxious.....more carefree....but unfortunately there isn't much that works. Hence.......why I long to be lighthearted so desperately. And kind of along the same lines.......I long to not allow my emotions to impact me so much. Sure, I feel so many things so deeply........but I wish I could "feel" a bit less.......hence maybe have a little less anxiety in my life. Maybe??? :-) Or at least maybe I could convince and learn to fake it better.....fake so much I begin to believe and possess it??? Yeah....probably not the answer, especially since I highly value authenticity.

Thankfully, for the most part, my anxiety does not hinder my work or my relationships. Instead, it is something that is more "crippling" inside of me. Something that haunts me.....something I cannot always explain or put into words. This anxiety is not always brought on by something in particular...........which frustrates my practical mind. I cannot always explain it or put it into words.........the verbal side of me unable to get it out...... Yikes....two strikes against me.....the practical side unable to understand/make sense of it....and the verbal side unable to process out loud and put it into words - oh man! :-)

I try to find ways to incorporate more lightheartedness in my life (and I am truly writing this blog with a lighthearted intention - aka a lightheart). Rather incorporating those ways by partaking in the activities I enjoy......the people I surround myself with (or choose "not" to surround myself with)......what I allow to affect me. But I TRULY do want to be lighthearted. I want to be referred to as....Amy.....that lighthearted individual. Yes, again, I know silly........but something I certainly long for and can hope one day to possess a bit more.......fingers crossed......maybe it will happen one day......(as I let out a lighthearted laugh)! :-) :-) :-)