Happy "50th" Birthday John! (warning, a bit graphic)

Dear John,

Happy Birthday!! Today you would have been 50!!! Yes, 50!! What an amazing feat that would have been! I will certainly never forget that you were born in 1960, as you would tease Mom all of the time about her being born in the 50's while you were born in the 60's........although only 2 years a part - ha! It is too bad that you are not here for us to tease you about getting old......as you will never get old. You will forever be 44.

I will never understand fully why you decided to take your own life. Yes, sure, I certainly tried to wrap my little mind around the idea as to why you ended your own life (and still do at times). I mean I was certainly able to read in the paper what happened leading up to the end of your life.....something to this day I still don't believe. However, little did you know there were people that cared. People that would have been there to help you, care for you, love you. Oh how I wish you would have reached out more before taking such drastic measures. Sure, after processing a bit with Abby and Heather......I am sure seeing the cops come to your door the day before you ended your life did not help matters. We all know you never wanted to go back to prison. But people really did care and still "do" care about you.

I think probably the second most difficult aspect in dealing with your suicide apart from trying to understand "why" you did it, was knowing that you hung in that garage for 2 days before anyone found you - TWO DAYS!! Oh how that hurts my heart! I hope you know that Abby, Heather and I stayed with you until they put you in that ground and buried the dirt on top of your coffin. We did not want you to be alone again........ We intuitively, without saying the words, felt so bad that you felt soooooo alone to do such a thing, and then to think that you were alone in that garage for 2 days......we couldn't bare the thought of you being alone anymore. So, we stayed in that cemetery until you were in the ground and buried. Oh how we longed just to see you again.........to do something to stop you.....to comfort you!

I will NEVER EVER forget that day when I found out about your suicide. I remember exactly where I was in my apartment in Seattle when that phone rang. I was in a meeting with fellow co-workers, but I remember walking to that back bedroom and Matt telling me the news. I felt an intense fog come over me, I was dizzy, and disbelief filled EVERY part of my body. I screamed NO, and collapsed onto the ground. Poor Matt.....trying to know how to deal and comfort me in such a tragic time. But there are never "right words".....I learned during this time. It is just nice to know people care and want to be there for you. I remember talking to Abby, Christy and Steph on the phone quite a few times that day.......trying to determine if I could get back to Ohio for the viewings and funeral, as I just began a new job and was in the middle of important work training. However, coming back home for everything was SO COMPLETELY worth it. One of the best decisions I ever made. I KNEW I had to be back there for my sister Abby, and my step-sister Heather. But I am also glad that I went back for me.

I have always had, and still have a very hard time going to viewings or funerals. When I do go, it takes me forever to be able to go up to the coffin (and I sometimes don't). For some reason I would rather remember that person the way "I knew" them, not the way they look lying dead in the coffin. However, for your viewings and funeral it was different. I wanted so badly to see you. The coffin seemed so removed from the entire room (well, not really, but it seemed that way). It was almost like you were not really there. I can't explain it. It was not like I didn't believe you were in there, I did believe it. But........not seeing you in that coffin was so strange. Heather, Ab and I made some great photo collages of you for the room....and for others to see. Your sister Pam was amazing and soooooo strong. What a wonderful sister you have.

Heather and I stayed with Abby......which I think was good and comforting for all three of us. We were able to talk about the reality and details of what happened, and also remember the good things about you. Sure we talked about regrets too.......but I tried to remind them (and myself)we cannot focus on those. Your daughter Heather, desperately wanted to see you before saying goodbye........but the funeral director told her he would not recommend that. I remember them going back and forth......she so wanted to be able to say goodbye to you properly and for closure. However, after reading what happens in a hanging....and knowing you were hanging in a garage in August for 2 hot days in Ohio......I was finally able to understand why the Funeral Director did not want us to see you. But boy was it hard. All three of us also made a trip to your house during those few days (I think Heather had to get something inside). I remember thinking how nice.....but yet bone-chilling it was to sit on your front porch.....and just soak in everything that had happened. For some reason it felt comforting to be at your house even though you were not there. Though......I couldn't even think of taking a look at the garage....or the door leading to the garage.

Selfishly, the aftermath was hard for me. Even as I write this........I still empathetically (I know, not a word) feel intense pain and hurt for you. I struggled to come to terms with the fact things were not always the best growing up with you (for 14-15 years).....and that I feel guilty for saying that now. How could I think or talk about the way you impacted my life negatively when you ultimately felt so much pain on your own that you took your life. That hardly seemed fair. I also felt that I needed to be sure that my Mom and sister were processing your death the best they could. I do not know why I worried about them so much.....but I did. So, I would try to call from Seattle to check on them. My brother and his wife gave birth to amazing twins a few weeks after your death!! Oh, how you would love those little kids! But anyway, I did have a couple of friends who were not afraid to talk about the realities of the situation and not afraid to ask me about how I was doing. Suicide (and death) has such a stigma that many are too afraid to verbally ask how someone is doing or dealing with it. But thankfully, a few friends were willing to be what I needed during that time - I could never say thank you enough - especially to Steph and Michele!! Matt also listened to me often say........there is no way he could have gone to hell (as most Christians would say because of the suicide)......my rationale.....because God could not possibly send someone to hell that was feeling so much intense pain....that the only way they could deal with it was to end there life. That is just NOT fair!!!

But anyway, I did seek a bit of counseling.....which was okay. She did help me with one aspect of the suicide.....but what really helped me was a book I read by Carla Fine - "No Time To Say Goodbye - Surviving the Suicide of a Loved One." I should preface this by saying.....I am certainly not much of a reader. But I am a person that appreciates relating others. This book told the MANY stories of those that lost loved ones to suicide. It talked about the details of the suicide and how they dealt with it. This was SO VERY helpful, as I am a very real, practical and detailed person.....so to actually read what happened and how the loved ones dealt with it, it really helped me to not feel "alone" during this processing. Because I really did feel sooooo alone while processing this. The one quote that stood out to me and stayed with me........I will NEVER EVER forget (though hard to think about) was....."Most people who commit suicide don't really want to die, they just want the pain to end." OUCH, how that hurt. Boy did that touch my heart like nothing else did during this "journey". Oh John.....if only we know about this pain......if only we knew!!!! My heart pains deeply for those that are feeling so much pain that this is their last resort.

Suicide has such a stigma in our society. People refuse to talk about it, and many are embarrassed to even admit they lost a loved one to suicide (learned from the books I read after your suicide). I remember thinking how much I wanted people just to "shoot straight" with me and ask me how I was doing with the SUICIDE. It was like the white elephant in the room that people could not verbally say. I know they meant well, but I recall that being hard for me....people not asking me how I was doing processing the suicide. At first I thought it was just because I was a weird verbal processor. But another thing I learned from reading about other's stories is that many other people feel the same way. They have to suffer in silence......not able to talk about this difficult loss (suicide). It is a process often different from other deaths. So, anyway.....one of my goals in life is to break this stigma. I desperately want to help others not to have to suffer in silence.....and in my hopes to break the stigma.....I also hope I can save a life (well not necessarily me personally, but bringing about awareness). Sure, I am not a crazy person that just admits I lost someone to suicide the first time I meet them......but eventually I am not afraid to admit it. I feel like this is a small way to break the stigma. No one really ever asks the details.....which is fine....though I am fine talking about them. I just want to break this stigma that exists in society. A year after your death I participated in a suicide prevention walk. "Out of the Darkness Walk". I raised at least $250 for suicide prevention (and asking for money is not my kind of thing). John....please know that although I couldn't save your life.......hopefully I can some how make a "small" difference in another life......or show others that they can.

So anyway........on this day of your birthday.....I remember the many birthdays we did spend together. I remember that Mom would always bake you a heart-shaped cake with pink icing. I remember the day I turned 10 years old and we went to the lake.....standing by one another you looked at me and said, "So how does it feel to be two-digits now?" I remember you taking me to my 5th grade band concert......when Mom worked 2nd shift at Honda. I remember when we went on bike rides....just you and us kids and how you could bike all the way up County Road 10 without stopping. I remember that you never cared if I stayed up late in my back bedroom. I remember how you would die laughing at Christmas Vacation with Eddie would say "Merry Christmas, Shitters Full!" I find that movie comforting! I remember that you use to play Santa Claus for the City of Bellefontaine, and how you loved that. I remember when we would listen to Styx over and over again in the car - oh how I love Styx and a lot of classical rock because of you. And most of all, I remember that you called me on my birthday in that tragic year of 2004. You called me to wish me a Happy Birthday at 7:30 in the morning! I was still sleeping. :-) I know that you HATED the phone, so for you to call me on a CELL PHONE (nonetheless) at 7:30 in the morning really meant something to me (I even sent you a thank-you letter after). I had not spoken to you for a good year (at least), but was so thankful you called me. I am also very sorry that I didn't get to see you before we left for Seattle in July. Oh how I regret that I couldn't see you then (you called me too late to get together)......because one month later you would be no more. :-( Yes, there were quite a few "not-so-great-times" growing up, but often I choose to focus on the good ones. To be thankful for the short life that you lived......wishing that it had not been so short. I am also thankful for times when I can tell a story about you...especially if it is a funny one. Thank you for contacting all three of us that Summer of 2004. I am positive I can speak on behalf of my brother, sister and I and say that we are very thankful that each of us spoke to you that Summer. The pain we still feel now (or at least I do), feels a "little" bit lighter knowing we were able to connect and talk with you that Summer.

So, to honor your life and wish you a happy birthday (50th, I might add again), I wanted to include some fun pictures from growing up. Pictures that were definitely YOU!! Happy Birthday John - so many people miss you!

Love,

Amy

**The first picture at the top is SUCH A TYPICAL picture of you. Making a funny face.....with no shirt on. I think the only time you wore a shirt was when you left the house - ha!

***The picture above is with my brother Shane from Christmas 1989 (yep, I was even taking pictures then)

***The above picture is of Mom and John in June 0f 1992

***This picture is of John and I from May of 1994

***This picture is a typical silly picture of John and I in May of 1995

***This is a family picture from my senior year of high school - Christmas 1996 - Heather, Me (sporting a ridiculous hat - Christmas present I think), Shane, Mom, John and Abby