Control....

Control.....a pretty big word in my life. I guess that for a lot of my life you could say I was a bit of a control-freak. I don't think it was probably obvious to most....only to those pretty close to me. After witnessing some things growing up, I learned pretty quickly that "I" wanted to be in control of my life. In no way, shape or form would I be controlled by someone or circumstances. At least not if I could "control" it. I wouldn't say I would control or manipulate people by any means, but I wanted my life a certain way. I had a plan for the way things should be....the way things should go....and I would do what I could to continue on that path. But ummmm......I quickly found that life doesn't work that way......

However, I have been worn down quite a bit over the last few years.......and honestly, don't have any strength left to try and control what is going on around me. I use to be the planner.....I would plan and gather friends together.....plan out our week......plan out what Matt and I would be doing that upcoming week.....planning just about every detail you could think of. However, I have almost become apathetic.....as I just don't have much left to give.......or to even think about controlling most things that effect my life. I kinda feel like (especially over the last few months), I have been just sitting back and watching my life from the sidelines. And to be completely honest, this is FINE with me. It really is.....at least fine for now...........

I haven't been very good at reaching out to people.......I mean if I am invited......or friends are doing something I will certainly be there (and have been pretty busy lately with friends)........but I have not been the one usually "making the plans".........this part I am not happy about, as I don't want any of my friends to think I don't care. But again.........I am just feeling like I am running on fumes.....and don't have the energy to "plan". I definitely have energy to be with people.....as that is how I am energized...by being with friends. And thankfully, have had a lot of time lately to spend with important people in my life. But nonetheless........I haven't been the normal planner.......

I know my wonderful husband, whom I have been with for over 12 years and almost married to for 9.......was use to me pretty much controlling most of what was going on (not him, just things in our life). This was fine for a long time. But lately.......again....it has been gradual over the last two or so years, but definitely in the last 6 or so months......I am fine with him taking control......trusting him to take care of a lot of different things. Again.........just feeling a bit empty....and fine with whatever comes our way. Sure, I still get stressed about silly things........but I have found myself keeping composure about bigger stressors (well sometimes).

So, I guess you could say......I have been "letting go".....giving up control........"maybe" trusting others a bit more. But I must wonder, is this good or bad??? Since it is very different from the way I have been most of my life. Now don't get me wrong, even though I have been a bit apathetic....and watching from the sidelines, I am still struggling with anxiety. One would think perhaps that would be better......but alas......NO. :-(

However, there is one area where I have noticed lately I have no control, and it is hard for me. I am being a bit vulnerable, so we will see if I post this.....or maybe even delete it within a day. :-) But anyway, I had a revelation while processing and leaving work on Friday......that lately I have had no control over my emotions. UGH!!!! Sure, I know I am a sensitive and emotional person......but I feel that I have been a bit emotionally out of control lately. I certainly think it has been obvious to a few people, but this "out of controlness" I feel more internally. I know I should not be reacting or letting things bother me the way they are.......but I have no control over my "internal emotional reaction" and sometimes no control over my external emotional reaction. Thankfully the crying I can usually contain to the appropriate times..... But it is draining to be feeling so many emotions internally.......emotions that are a bit irrational at times....ugh......I CERTAINLY DO want to be in control of my emotions, and the way I present myself....... I mean I certainly realize a lot has happened over the last few months....but still I want to be in emotional control!!!!!!

But anyway.......so whereas I am a bit thankful that I am less controlling of most things going on around me.......I wish I did have control over my emotions a bit more. Nothing more than a genuine....analyzed....revelation. Ha......there is a surprise......me analyzing (maybe that is part of my problem.....I need to think less)!