This afternoon I began to read, "Eat, Pray, Love." I was debating about whether I wanted to read the book....or just wait and watch the movie next week. I belabored over this for two reasons.
1. I don't like to read
2. I am much more of a practical person.....so would prefer to watch it on TV
So, far I have made it through Italy and am about to start reading about her journey through India....and I am really enjoying it. I have to keep taking breaks......as I really am not a reader and don't enjoy it. However, I certainly do appreciate the way this author writes. She does a VERY good job a describing her feelings/emotions.....that leave me jealous. This past weekend, my friend Michele finally convinced me to read the book...... I love you Michele (she knew I would enjoy it)!! ;-)
Of course, for anyone that knows me....they know I am a pretty emotional person and I wear my heart on my sleeve. You pretty much know how I am feeling at any given time (which can be good and bad). However, after finding much appreciation for my blog this Summer, I became a bit jealous that she is able to express her emotions and what she is feeling sooooo clearly on paper. Sometimes I think.......boy, I bet I would feel better if I could be more articulate with my emotions, whether that be in writing or even in speaking with people. Poor Matt.....I often cannot explain why I feel a way I do......I just do.
There was one part of the book that really resonated with me, as I have been battling with myself about my people-pleasing personality. This is something I would like to change to a degree.....because well, it can be exhausting. However, she writes the following (she is speaking of boyfriends, but this could apply for me to many relationships because I care so much about those important to me)..... ".........But I disappear into the person I love. I am the permeable membrane. If I love you, you can have everything. You can have my time, my devotion, my ass, my money, my family, my dog, my dog's money, my dog's time----everything. If I love you, I will carry for you all of your pain, I will assume for you all your debts, I will protect you from your own insecurity, I will project upon you all sorts of good qualities that you have never actually cultivated in yourself and I will buy Christmas presents for your entire family. I will give you the sun and the rain, and if they are not available, I will give you a sun check and a rain check. I will give you this and more, until I get so exhausted and depleted that the only way I can recover my energy is by becoming infatuated with someone else."
Now, I of course, would not say I am quite that extreme.....but that pretty closely depicts me. And also, let me clarify......I haven't figured out how to recover my energy....but thankfully it is not by becoming infatuated with someone else.....thankfully. ;-) However, my point being.....I have appreciated her writing....it is so raw and vivid. So whereas I do not like reading.....I have enjoyed this book so far. Initially I thought I wanted to go to the movies with a group of girls to watch it. However, I have started to tear-up while reading the book on a few different occasions during her traveling in Italy....that I am afraid I may bawl during a lot of the movie when I see it in person (because again, watching it makes me feel even more "in the midst.") Thus...I may need to go by myself...
Great book so far.....but again....it leads me on my journey of learning how to not be such a people-pleaser......and learn how to say no. Learn how to be a bit more selfish at times...... Learn how to make myself happy.... Now of course, I would NEVER hurt someone in the process. But this really has been an internal struggle for me since recognizing it 7-8 months ago.....
But darn it.....this is something I have to figure out.....something I have to change. No one is requiring me to take on their burdens.....like I so often, empathetically and naturally do. ;-) Sure, they may need me to listen (which I love to)......but I need to learn how to not let my emotions become consumed in their emotions.....
I am certainly not a doormat....and if someone makes me mad, I have no problem standing up for myself. But for those I truly care about.....I sometimes have a hard time saying no....even if it is something I do not want to do....
Thus.............my current state of exhaustion and depletion............
Oh, life is such a journey!!! ;-) Okay....back to the book.....a third done and plan to finish it today!
Oh depleted one... I just realized a few more qualities we share in common. I hate to read too. It is much more boring to me. I require visual stimulation. It sometimes does not assist recommendations to me, when someone says "you liked that movie, you should read that book". Yeah, that isn't gonna work for me. I tried it a couple of times, and have never tried it again. Movies tie me in, 10-fold. I will get emotionally attached to a movie, that I did not expect to get attached to.
ReplyDeleteAnyway, that was certainly off the topic of your blog, but at the same time, I think the paragraph you wrote quoting the book is probably really common in SOO many relationships, as to why they end. Sometimes selfishly, sometimes depletingly. I actually liked the paragraph myself. I read it twice because the child came out for a second when she said ass, and I giggled. So I started over again, and it made sense.
It is sad that you feel you cannot portray your emotions that way, because I feel you do a great job. In fact, I am jealous of how you are able to portray them. I think (from just the paragraph) the difference between you and her, if hers is just artistically given. Yours and hers are both EQUALLY raw.
Anyway, keep writing the way you are, or adjust to what you like. It makes no difference as long as you write what you feel.
Good luck with the book, hope you finished it.
Oh my dear Brother....you made me tear-up! ;-) Yep, whenever I talk about you....I talk about us being similar in many ways... ;-)
ReplyDeleteThanks for the encouragement....I appreciate it!! Off to read your blog topic for the day!!
Love ya!!!
Amy
Oh, and I am on the last section of the book...I WILL finish it before I watch the movie Sunday! ;-)