I look back through my 31+ years on this earth and see many peaks and valleys, but I do think that I have learned during both times. I always hope that some day I can help people either through things I have been through......or by my listening ear. If I had to name one thing I want to do with my life (apart from being a good wife, mother (one day), and friend), it would be to help people.
But as I sit here writing this right now, I look back over the last 10'ish months....and I feel like I have not been able to do this as much as I have wanted. I have obviously blogged recently about being depleted of energy.....depleted of being able to succeed at my life's ambition. I have felt selfish over this period, especially over the last 5 or so months because I do not feel like I have been able to be as good of a friend as I would like. Sure, my friends may not know this.....because whenever I am with them I try to give them 100% of my attention, time and a listening ear. BUT, I have found it hard, at times......to be able to gain energy to sometimes give my friends that quality time they deserve. I have struggled with this, and feeling so selfish.
However, thankfully, I think that I am slowly regaining the energy I need. I have been searching for a way to feel myself again....a way to put my "needs" on the back burner.... Honestly, I think that is part of it. I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE to spend time with people, listen to where they are at right now, listen to joys & sorrows.......but for some reason have found it more difficult for "me" to share. Sure, I always have something to say, but to really be vulnerable is a big struggle for me. I am okay with this, but I know that not being able to release some of "what I am feeling inside" has caused this depletion of energy.....and spilled over to me not being able to give us much as I want.
But I can happily, and with a little bit of energy say........I think I am learning how to process more internally rather than needing to process externally. Which is GOOD.....considering I have not been able to really process externally about my feelings lately anyway. Thus.......this is GOOD.....so that I have more energy for others.....GENUINE energy.....rather than just going through the motions.....HORRAY! (hence the title - one day at a time).
I know this may seem trivial to anyone reading it......but to me it is such an amazing feat. Truly "feeling" like myself has been a bit of a struggle over the last year. I am definitely able to operate fine and normal around everyone.....but by the end of the day......I would/have been sooooooo exhausted from putting forth the energy to be that "typical Amy that everyone expects"........ Thus, I really hope I am on an uphill swing.......about to reach one of those peaks in my life. ;-)
A few positive things to focus on...........1. OSU football season starts next week - horray (and looking forward to attending Laura & Jesse's OSU party Thursday)!!! 2. I am getting a MASSAGE next week - double horray!! 3. I start back at OSU next week, and I love my office and the students I work with 4. The twins started kindergarten this week - yippee!! 5. Matt's Summer tennis league has made it to play-offs.....with him playing the #1 spot 6. I have had a great Summer, being out in the sun, vacationing with friends & hubby, and just being able to spend time with friends in all my spare time, 7. Looking forward to this Saturday as I get to spend time with my sister and friends!!! ;-)
Finally......tonight.....I am thinking of the looming date of tomorrow......the anniversary of John's suicide. Often when I think of it and the way he died.....I get sick to my stomach.....still 6 years later. However, the only thing that gives me comfort is that he is at peace now! I know I started the month of August......wanting to be positive and not think of it as a month of death....but I did lose 2 more family members this month. What a difficult month August is....but thankfully it is almost over. ;-)
I will end with a photo from Postscript this last weekend that brought tears of joy to my face (love this site)!
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