Okay, so I posted the following quote the other day.....but this morning I am feeling a bit "down"....perhaps is the word. So, I thought I would move the quote up and just talk about it....because it had a profound impact on me when I read it this week. Maybe not quite as much as the Julia Roberts movie (ha), but an impact nonetheless. Here it is....
"20 years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover." - by Mark Twain.
Perhaps this goes back to my life feeling so unbalanced right now....and when I say unbalanced, I am not necessarily talking about the depression.....I am just talking about "my" life feeling unbalanced....out of sorts.......disconnected to who I am.... Though, not completely at all times, there are a few select people (2-3)......that without knowing.....make me happy and I feel a bit more connected genuinely in their presence.
I think for soooo long, no actually I know, for sooooo long I have thought life was suppose to work out a certain way, especially my life. I was (and still to a degree) am a planner. I mean hell, I had my life planned out at like 20. I remember looking at Matt while we are dating saying (at like age 20)...we are going to get married right after college at 22, and have 2 kids, one at 25 and one at 27.... Geesh.....was I delusional. ;-) Granted, that is also coming for a 20 year old (who knows, I may have actually been 19 - ha). But I totally remember that conversation one day when we met at the WalMart in Marysville during a Summer slurping a slushy.
I learned within the first year of graduating from college that things do not always go as planned. I learned slowly how to deal with it....to let go of my preconceived notions.....to be more flexible and spontaneous, and honestly as I look back I am fine with this. I appreciate learning this. Then the "hard" things in life began to take place (2003... and on)......and as I look back....I was almost a robot going through to motions from day-to-day......trying to operate....do the best I could at EVERYTHING in my life because I am such a perfectionist. I knew when I decided to end my Residence Life career at Malone in 2006 that this was because there was absolutely NOTHING left in me to give to others. That pained me as I love to give and invest in others. It broke my heart, but I knew it was not fair to continue when I couldn't give 100%.
I am somewhat feeling that way again..........I sooooo want to give, give, give to others.....but also know there is not much left in me, and I hate this. Hence.....I MUST find balance. But I am also reminded of the quote above.....and how we need to take chances....we need to explore, dream and discover..... I think I love this quote because I have "sort of" begun that journey......but maybe only like 10% into it - ha. I know there will be many hardships ahead.......but I need to remember to take chances......not fall back on my preconceived notions of how things "should be" that so naturally comes to me (well it use to....not as much anymore).......
I want to set sail.....I want to learn......I want to find balance.....I so desperately want to become stronger......
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