Shrinking.......

I saw this quote today.........

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? ... Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do... It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”----from A Return to Love, by Marianne Williamson

Yes, I know, my blogs have not necessarily been the most uplifting as of lately. But as I said yesterday, this is my ONE place where I feel I can be honest.....and I think it is because I know hardly anyone reads it.........

But I came across this quote today when reading quotes on facebook. First of all, I L-O-V-E quotes. Geesh....I find meaning in so many different quotes.....but this one spoke to me today. I have had a VERY strange day......and will just leave it at that. Thus, this spoke to me....

I WISH that "I felt" (what the quote states above)....."Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure." Oh gosh......how I want to feel powerful....or maybe I should say strong. I want to feel strong...... Why am I allowing myself to let certain life circumstances take this away from me? Why am I allowing others or situations to make me "not" feel powerful and strong? Why am I so impacted by what is going on around me. Not to sound selfish.....but why can't I just focus on ME!!!!!!?????

I also liked this part of the quote, "Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you." I use to feel pretty secure about who I am......not allowing others or situations to impact me....but as of lately (I am about to be very vulnerable), I have felt very insecure. Granted, I am insecure physically by the weight I have gained over the last few years.....but it is WAAAAAAY more than that. I can get beyond that at times, but lately, I have felt a bit "shrunk back" by even who I am. Some of this is from my own self reflection......and some from allowing others to let me feel this way. No, none of my friends are doing this to me........I am allowing this to happen........

I would like to think the last 8+ months has been a time of self-discovery (albeit, damn hard), but a time of learning..... Though right now I am soooooo damn exhausted I just want to feel normal again..... I don't want to have to find ways to muster energy to just go out with friends.....friends whom I love. I want to feel happy and confident......I want to feel LIKE ME AGAIN!!!