*****I originally posted this late Saturday night.....but did delete it for fear of being too vulnerable, well after receiving a very encouraging note from a great friend....I decided to re-post it and I will leave it this time. :-) You know who you are - thank you.......
Okay......so......for anyone that read my last post, I hinted towards wearing a bit of a mask lately.....well, I think I am "strong" enough just to throw it out there (especially since hardly anyone reads this). For the past 7+ months I have been struggling with some depression on top of the crazy anxiety that I already struggle with. It has sucked, to put it lightly. It has been soooooooooooooooooooooooooooo incredibly hard to put on that happy face when gosh darn it, I am not feeling it inside. It is also hard to feel a bit unsupported by those around me when they expect me to act that way.....when I am not feeling it. Granted, it is not like I have shared with many, actually hardly any of my current struggle. And who knows, I will probably delete this after a day anyway.......
But on top of the depression I am also struggling with two other things....that I think probably contribute to the depression:
1. People Pleasing - I am such a damn people pleaser and it just sucks. Sure, I LOVE LOVE LOVE people and making them happy (it brings me such joy inside). But to a degree, it has been causing me so much stress lately making sure people around me and those I care about are "pleased" and happy........and that I never do anything to make them upset. Again, as stated in previous posts, it brings me joy to make people happy.......but lately........it has been an uphill battle to always make sure people are happy, especially a few in particular. It is depleting what is left of me.
2. Pretending to be happy and act like "my normal self".....when I do not feel like it. This is somewhat what I was referring to in my previous post about the mask. Normally, I am a very upbeat, sometimes loud, love to interact with people.....and have fun...kind of person. I LOVE being around people all of the time.....having fun and investing in deep conversations when appropriate. However, lately I have been so damn E-X-H-A-U-S-T-E-D from putting on that mask. Granted, I am not always being fake, because again, that is what I normally am like (happy, social, etc.).......but there are times I barely have the strength to do it. I do not know what I need......maybe a few days of complete downtime? That seems bizarre, as I love being with people all of the time. Over the last few months I do not think there is a day, and certainly not a weekend that hasn't been jam-packed. I LOVE THIS, but the other, I guess "depressed" side of me is feel depleted......maybe needing downtime....
Selfishly........I think I need people to "give" to me......you know....earlier how I talked of being a people pleaser.......maybe I need to find some people that want to invest in me??? Or maybe I am just crazy. ;)
Well, that is a little bit of what is going on with me right now. I seriously can't believe I am typing this....again, if it is not deleted tomorrow.....that will be surprising....as being vulnerable has certainly not come easily to me lately.
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