Trying to find BALANCE

While watching "Eclipse" with my lovely sister the other day, I saw a preview for Julie Robert's new movie, "Eat Pray Love".....here is the trailer - WATCH IT!!!!

http://www.imdb.com/video/imdb/vi2996176409/

OMG......can I say how much this movie trailer resonated with me. It was almost like an "out of body experience" when I saw it. No, don't worry, I am not quiting the job I love to travel around the world.....but so much has been going on inside of me over the last 6-7+ months.....that I have been trying so hard to figure it out (which I am usually good at). I am a pretty self-aware person. I mean I do not claim to be super intelligent at all.....but I fairly understand myself....and have really thought through many different life experiences and worked through them (and am aware of them).....but boy, for some reason.......something has just been going on inside of me over the last few months.....which is why I haven't blogged much......because I cannot entirely explain it because I haven't figured it out..........nor should I probably be that vulnerable.....my last blog probably gave you a little of an glimpse.....

Anyway, I CANNOT wait to see this movie!!! Obviously, I am entirely going by the preview....but a few things got me thinking.

The most important:

1. I have been trying like nothing other than to find BALANCE in my life - or "MY" balance (as selfish as that may seem)! I still do not know entirely what that looks like, nor did I really have the revelation I was trying to find balance until I watched this preview (yes, cheesey). I think I have been subconsciously trying to find it lately.

For example, I have a diverse amount of friends (many different personalities...and I love each of them). Recently at my 31st birthday party (I already knew), but I had a good friend remark...you had a diverse (personalities) amount of people at that party....and I thought...yes, you are right. And as I started to analyze that (surprise).....it made me think....that so many of my friends represnt/bring some sort of balance in my life currently. Some are friends I would certainly not "nautually" be friends with....but due to life circumstances...are thankful for their friendships and what they bring to my life right now. Sure, I do not share every dark and deep secret with each of these different people, but they do not call or ask for that. They are my friends for different reasons. Perhaps they need me.....perhaps I just need their personality and balance in my life right now....and we just hit it off and are great. That sounds a bit like I am using someone and that would be the farthest from the truth. NEVER EVER would I use someone in my life. If I spend time with someone on my "own time" it is because I legitimately want to. I am so thankful for the different people in my life right now. I am thankful for the diversity....the diversity in personalities.....in life views......in just everything about them. I am also SO VERY THANKFUL that they want to spend time with me. That they value me for WHO I am!!!! Thank you for helping me through this difficult time.....though many of you have no idea that you are. ;-)

Friendships have ALWAYS been important to me.....so vitally important to my being. So, I am thankful and treasure every person in my life and am thankful that they want to be a part of my life. I only hope that I bring some happiness to their life. But regardless, thank you for the balance and wholeness you are bringing to my life without even knowing it......and thank you for being you....and for sharing....caring....and being "who" you are!!!!

Sure there is really only one friend I share almost everything with........but regardless, all of my friends mean so much and I have shared an aspect of me with each of them....or I have been there for them to share and help in their lives....which I feel so honored to be a part of.

So, I think this shows a small example of how I am trying to find balance in my life. Since people are important to me this helps. However, at the same time.......I know I NEED to figure out what balance truly is in my life on my own......and I certainly am not there yet......oh....the journey continues..... ;-)

2. So, another part of of the preview talks about "letting yourself go".....now I know in NO WAY have I reached this part of the deep thought.....but in tiny ways.....I have done things over the last 5 or so months that are out of my "innocent" (and I use that in loose terms) character........but I have loved and been thankful for every minute of it (for better or worse).....I have learned......and life is all about learning.....and growing..... I have loved the thrill.....I want to let myself go... I don't want to get in trouble......but I like the feeling of freedom......(no not freedom from my marriage....let me clarify that).......but freedom within myself that I have never experienced before in my life...... Sure maybe some of my choices have not been the smartest for a 31 year old.......but god darn it......I need to figure myself out even more than I already have........ The funny thing is......at 30......even before, I thought I had myself all figured out.....but I continue to learn about myself.....try to learn who I am...try to "better" myself through my experiences.

But I also need to learn how to let go of so many things going on around me. I need to learn to let go everyday to things that may not go according to how I want.....or think they should. I need to not take everything so personal........ I need to learn how to stop being a people pleaser.....and just "let go" and live an anxiety-free life (sounds nice, aye?)

3. However, I do resonate with her "want to marvel at something......to feeeeel good about something".......with this "depression" (yes I said the word).......I truly want to marvel at something and TRULY feel good about something......oh how I long for that........ I don't know what that would be. Honestly....I partly think to me......it doesn't have to be traveling overseas....but finding a good mentor/friend/wise person that can help me through this journey called life (share with me/listen/be honest/care). I LOVE and loooooong for relationships. That is what is most important to me in this life............so at this point I think that my "marvel" may be in confiding and seeking advice and learning from someone wiser than me..........this is something I have longed for, for SUCH A LONG TIME. I remember having a long conversation with my friend Steph back in like 2002-2003......talking about how I have longed for this.....for over 8 years.....someone I have a connection with that is wiser....that I can share with and learn from (obviously a woman).

Then after I learn even more......maybe I could travel just to marvel and learn about different things.... ;-)

4. Another aspect of the preview I loved was when the man said "clear the space in your mind and the universe would rush in"..........oh how I long to clear my mind. I am constantly analyzing....... I think way too much about others....pleasing them....I think about myself.......I just want to be CLEAR.........I want to be open....and let what is suppose to come in......COME IN.......I LOVED this idea.......especially coming from a gosh darn people pleaser....and one that constantly analyzes everything in her mind without always verbalizing it (yes, strange coming from me). :-)

5. During the preview they also had the following words come across the screen....hope, faith, courage.......I thought this was AMAZING and some strong words to use. Hope....well.....I could not even go into that word without crying tonight. I am currently having one of my friend's roommates complete a painting for my office that says "hope" if that tells you anything. Hope is sooooooo important to me for sooooooo many reasons. I love the word and it has sooooo many meanings to me.....meanings I will not share in this blog as they are too vulnerable. But....faith......for me.....I do not have much faith in religion at this point....but faith in people is important to me. I only choose to surround myself with those that I can have faith in.....those that are genuine.....and of course, faith about the future. Finally, courage......oh courage....something I always thought I possessed considering everything I have been through.....but lately have felt FAR from courageous. I hope it comes back someday......I hope I feel courage again one day soon.....I want balance (hence the blog).....I want courage.....I want to feel "normal" again...the normal Amy that doesn't have to "put on a mask".......one that is always genuine....actually I am normally genuine.....but for a select few lately haven't been......so I feel bad about that. That is soooooo NOT who I am at all!!! To be ingenuine is the opposite of who I am.....but yet....I have that conflict of people-pleasing that creches up and causes me to put on my happy....silly...entertaining face even though it may not be genuine (ughhhh....I am soooo sorry for this). I am pretty positive no one realizes this unless they really know me.....but I realize this....as I have been so exhausted lately putting on a show.....so I am sorry!!!

6. Finally, the lovely preview talks about how your life changing experience (as Julia is experiencing) should make you stronger. I really hope my current journey makes me stronger. ;-) I am all about being a strong and independent woman - ha!!! In all seriousness though.....I know life "should" make us stronger, but currently it is hard for me to see this. I hope once I come out of this difficult journey, I can look back and notice that I am stronger!!!! Oh, how I value strength....especially in me. I want to be a strong and independent woman....and just a strong individual overall. Not sure why I value this so much in myself.....but I do.

Okay....all of this babble....and this movie probably isn't even what the preview portrayed - ha!!! ;-) Regardless it got me thinking and hitting me right where I am at.......thank you "preview" for helping me think and process and hopefully grow. I can't wait for the movie to come out!!!!