Strength........

Do you consider yourself a "strong" person? What exactly is strength? What defines strength? Is strength an always constant trait, or something that ebbs and flows in a person? Could strength to one person look like weakness in another? How does one become strong......is it innate within, is it learned or could it sometimes be forced?


How can two people go through the same life circumstance.....and one come through strong.....but the other falter or completely fall apart? Again, is it innate or learned over time (strength that is).......or do some people just not have the "strong" gene. Or, is our definition of strength (as a society) incorrect? Could that person, broken and in a time of weakness, actually be strong......just not "our" typical definition of strength???? Or, are we just suppose to have a "somewhat" balance of strength and weakness?


I want to be a strong person.....as I have not been feeling very strong lately (and I feel bad admitting that). Sure, there are times where I feel strong.......always learning......wanting to help others.....learning to work through "adversity." And sure, I have been told by some people that I am a strong person. However, there are times I feel completely weak........and just long to be that tower of strength. I picture a lighthouse in the middle of an ocean......tall, tough, strong, and beautiful in the midst of a storm. And waves.......tall waves, are crashing against that lighthouse. The waves will continue to crash, and after this storm finishes.....another will come along. However, that lighthouse still remains standing strong, perhaps only slightly weathered. But the point is........it is barely impacted by that fierce storm. I like that idea. ;-) I want to be like that lighthouse.


I want to "always" be strong, not only for me, but for others. I want to learn how to stand strong and tall at all times and not let the waves of life make a dent in me. I don't want to be easily weathered.....I want to be unmovable in the midst of the chaos.....standing tall no matter what happens. Why is strength important to me? Is it some kind of pressure I put upon myself? I mean I do not have people around me saying, "Amy you need to become stronger!" (at least not yet - ha). So why do I desire to always be strong? I not only want to appear strong, but I really want to feel strong. Why do I long to be strong? I actually like and take comfort (not in a mean way) when people actually show weakness (being authentic and perhaps vulnerable......with one another). I like connecting in those times.....or being encouraging to them......helpful...... However, I have often found that very few people are willing to do this.....allow themselves to be vulnerable. Hmmmmmm ........perhaps I am part of the problem! Yes, perhaps, but I have noticed in the recent few years I cringe at the thought of myself appearing weak. That doesn't mean that I have not been weak, or shared weakness. However, I like to appear that I always have it all together. Yes, perhaps I am part of the problem.........

Well, regardless.......I still want to be strong. Strong for so many reasons............

I sooooo prefer verbally processing with people rather than writing. Kind of ironic I have been blogging as of recent months.......

Have a good night!

Happy "50th" Birthday John! (warning, a bit graphic)

Dear John,

Happy Birthday!! Today you would have been 50!!! Yes, 50!! What an amazing feat that would have been! I will certainly never forget that you were born in 1960, as you would tease Mom all of the time about her being born in the 50's while you were born in the 60's........although only 2 years a part - ha! It is too bad that you are not here for us to tease you about getting old......as you will never get old. You will forever be 44.

I will never understand fully why you decided to take your own life. Yes, sure, I certainly tried to wrap my little mind around the idea as to why you ended your own life (and still do at times). I mean I was certainly able to read in the paper what happened leading up to the end of your life.....something to this day I still don't believe. However, little did you know there were people that cared. People that would have been there to help you, care for you, love you. Oh how I wish you would have reached out more before taking such drastic measures. Sure, after processing a bit with Abby and Heather......I am sure seeing the cops come to your door the day before you ended your life did not help matters. We all know you never wanted to go back to prison. But people really did care and still "do" care about you.

I think probably the second most difficult aspect in dealing with your suicide apart from trying to understand "why" you did it, was knowing that you hung in that garage for 2 days before anyone found you - TWO DAYS!! Oh how that hurts my heart! I hope you know that Abby, Heather and I stayed with you until they put you in that ground and buried the dirt on top of your coffin. We did not want you to be alone again........ We intuitively, without saying the words, felt so bad that you felt soooooo alone to do such a thing, and then to think that you were alone in that garage for 2 days......we couldn't bare the thought of you being alone anymore. So, we stayed in that cemetery until you were in the ground and buried. Oh how we longed just to see you again.........to do something to stop you.....to comfort you!

I will NEVER EVER forget that day when I found out about your suicide. I remember exactly where I was in my apartment in Seattle when that phone rang. I was in a meeting with fellow co-workers, but I remember walking to that back bedroom and Matt telling me the news. I felt an intense fog come over me, I was dizzy, and disbelief filled EVERY part of my body. I screamed NO, and collapsed onto the ground. Poor Matt.....trying to know how to deal and comfort me in such a tragic time. But there are never "right words".....I learned during this time. It is just nice to know people care and want to be there for you. I remember talking to Abby, Christy and Steph on the phone quite a few times that day.......trying to determine if I could get back to Ohio for the viewings and funeral, as I just began a new job and was in the middle of important work training. However, coming back home for everything was SO COMPLETELY worth it. One of the best decisions I ever made. I KNEW I had to be back there for my sister Abby, and my step-sister Heather. But I am also glad that I went back for me.

I have always had, and still have a very hard time going to viewings or funerals. When I do go, it takes me forever to be able to go up to the coffin (and I sometimes don't). For some reason I would rather remember that person the way "I knew" them, not the way they look lying dead in the coffin. However, for your viewings and funeral it was different. I wanted so badly to see you. The coffin seemed so removed from the entire room (well, not really, but it seemed that way). It was almost like you were not really there. I can't explain it. It was not like I didn't believe you were in there, I did believe it. But........not seeing you in that coffin was so strange. Heather, Ab and I made some great photo collages of you for the room....and for others to see. Your sister Pam was amazing and soooooo strong. What a wonderful sister you have.

Heather and I stayed with Abby......which I think was good and comforting for all three of us. We were able to talk about the reality and details of what happened, and also remember the good things about you. Sure we talked about regrets too.......but I tried to remind them (and myself)we cannot focus on those. Your daughter Heather, desperately wanted to see you before saying goodbye........but the funeral director told her he would not recommend that. I remember them going back and forth......she so wanted to be able to say goodbye to you properly and for closure. However, after reading what happens in a hanging....and knowing you were hanging in a garage in August for 2 hot days in Ohio......I was finally able to understand why the Funeral Director did not want us to see you. But boy was it hard. All three of us also made a trip to your house during those few days (I think Heather had to get something inside). I remember thinking how nice.....but yet bone-chilling it was to sit on your front porch.....and just soak in everything that had happened. For some reason it felt comforting to be at your house even though you were not there. Though......I couldn't even think of taking a look at the garage....or the door leading to the garage.

Selfishly, the aftermath was hard for me. Even as I write this........I still empathetically (I know, not a word) feel intense pain and hurt for you. I struggled to come to terms with the fact things were not always the best growing up with you (for 14-15 years).....and that I feel guilty for saying that now. How could I think or talk about the way you impacted my life negatively when you ultimately felt so much pain on your own that you took your life. That hardly seemed fair. I also felt that I needed to be sure that my Mom and sister were processing your death the best they could. I do not know why I worried about them so much.....but I did. So, I would try to call from Seattle to check on them. My brother and his wife gave birth to amazing twins a few weeks after your death!! Oh, how you would love those little kids! But anyway, I did have a couple of friends who were not afraid to talk about the realities of the situation and not afraid to ask me about how I was doing. Suicide (and death) has such a stigma that many are too afraid to verbally ask how someone is doing or dealing with it. But thankfully, a few friends were willing to be what I needed during that time - I could never say thank you enough - especially to Steph and Michele!! Matt also listened to me often say........there is no way he could have gone to hell (as most Christians would say because of the suicide)......my rationale.....because God could not possibly send someone to hell that was feeling so much intense pain....that the only way they could deal with it was to end there life. That is just NOT fair!!!

But anyway, I did seek a bit of counseling.....which was okay. She did help me with one aspect of the suicide.....but what really helped me was a book I read by Carla Fine - "No Time To Say Goodbye - Surviving the Suicide of a Loved One." I should preface this by saying.....I am certainly not much of a reader. But I am a person that appreciates relating others. This book told the MANY stories of those that lost loved ones to suicide. It talked about the details of the suicide and how they dealt with it. This was SO VERY helpful, as I am a very real, practical and detailed person.....so to actually read what happened and how the loved ones dealt with it, it really helped me to not feel "alone" during this processing. Because I really did feel sooooo alone while processing this. The one quote that stood out to me and stayed with me........I will NEVER EVER forget (though hard to think about) was....."Most people who commit suicide don't really want to die, they just want the pain to end." OUCH, how that hurt. Boy did that touch my heart like nothing else did during this "journey". Oh John.....if only we know about this pain......if only we knew!!!! My heart pains deeply for those that are feeling so much pain that this is their last resort.

Suicide has such a stigma in our society. People refuse to talk about it, and many are embarrassed to even admit they lost a loved one to suicide (learned from the books I read after your suicide). I remember thinking how much I wanted people just to "shoot straight" with me and ask me how I was doing with the SUICIDE. It was like the white elephant in the room that people could not verbally say. I know they meant well, but I recall that being hard for me....people not asking me how I was doing processing the suicide. At first I thought it was just because I was a weird verbal processor. But another thing I learned from reading about other's stories is that many other people feel the same way. They have to suffer in silence......not able to talk about this difficult loss (suicide). It is a process often different from other deaths. So, anyway.....one of my goals in life is to break this stigma. I desperately want to help others not to have to suffer in silence.....and in my hopes to break the stigma.....I also hope I can save a life (well not necessarily me personally, but bringing about awareness). Sure, I am not a crazy person that just admits I lost someone to suicide the first time I meet them......but eventually I am not afraid to admit it. I feel like this is a small way to break the stigma. No one really ever asks the details.....which is fine....though I am fine talking about them. I just want to break this stigma that exists in society. A year after your death I participated in a suicide prevention walk. "Out of the Darkness Walk". I raised at least $250 for suicide prevention (and asking for money is not my kind of thing). John....please know that although I couldn't save your life.......hopefully I can some how make a "small" difference in another life......or show others that they can.

So anyway........on this day of your birthday.....I remember the many birthdays we did spend together. I remember that Mom would always bake you a heart-shaped cake with pink icing. I remember the day I turned 10 years old and we went to the lake.....standing by one another you looked at me and said, "So how does it feel to be two-digits now?" I remember you taking me to my 5th grade band concert......when Mom worked 2nd shift at Honda. I remember when we went on bike rides....just you and us kids and how you could bike all the way up County Road 10 without stopping. I remember that you never cared if I stayed up late in my back bedroom. I remember how you would die laughing at Christmas Vacation with Eddie would say "Merry Christmas, Shitters Full!" I find that movie comforting! I remember that you use to play Santa Claus for the City of Bellefontaine, and how you loved that. I remember when we would listen to Styx over and over again in the car - oh how I love Styx and a lot of classical rock because of you. And most of all, I remember that you called me on my birthday in that tragic year of 2004. You called me to wish me a Happy Birthday at 7:30 in the morning! I was still sleeping. :-) I know that you HATED the phone, so for you to call me on a CELL PHONE (nonetheless) at 7:30 in the morning really meant something to me (I even sent you a thank-you letter after). I had not spoken to you for a good year (at least), but was so thankful you called me. I am also very sorry that I didn't get to see you before we left for Seattle in July. Oh how I regret that I couldn't see you then (you called me too late to get together)......because one month later you would be no more. :-( Yes, there were quite a few "not-so-great-times" growing up, but often I choose to focus on the good ones. To be thankful for the short life that you lived......wishing that it had not been so short. I am also thankful for times when I can tell a story about you...especially if it is a funny one. Thank you for contacting all three of us that Summer of 2004. I am positive I can speak on behalf of my brother, sister and I and say that we are very thankful that each of us spoke to you that Summer. The pain we still feel now (or at least I do), feels a "little" bit lighter knowing we were able to connect and talk with you that Summer.

So, to honor your life and wish you a happy birthday (50th, I might add again), I wanted to include some fun pictures from growing up. Pictures that were definitely YOU!! Happy Birthday John - so many people miss you!

Love,

Amy

**The first picture at the top is SUCH A TYPICAL picture of you. Making a funny face.....with no shirt on. I think the only time you wore a shirt was when you left the house - ha!

***The picture above is with my brother Shane from Christmas 1989 (yep, I was even taking pictures then)

***The above picture is of Mom and John in June 0f 1992

***This picture is of John and I from May of 1994

***This picture is a typical silly picture of John and I in May of 1995

***This is a family picture from my senior year of high school - Christmas 1996 - Heather, Me (sporting a ridiculous hat - Christmas present I think), Shane, Mom, John and Abby

Put on a Happy Face.......

Does anyone else struggle with putting on a happy face even if you are not feeling happy?? Well, I certainly do! Now don't get me wrong, I do wish I were happy all of the time and I like to be positive as much as I can...........but darn it, some days I just don't feel happy (especially in the dark Winter's of Ohio). Then it is kind of like a vicious cycle because I long to be happy all of the time....always smiling......so if I am not I feel bad about myself....and then feel worse and less happy! Geesh.....now, how crazy is that?!?! ;-)

I feel like when needed (for example, at work), I am able to put on that smile (especially with students), even if I am not feeling it inside. I mean it is my job and I need to be professional. But I think those are the days where I am a bit more exhausted in the evening from "faking it" all day long. Don't get my wrong, I absolutely love my job.....and could NEVER imagine doing a job where I am not working with people. However, those days when I am not feeling particularly happy are hard. Even though I HIGHLY value when people are genuine and authentic......sometimes I wish I could be a little less!! I wish I could fake it a little more (even though I really value that genuineness in others). How contradictory of myself - ha!

Last night I was talking to a fellow blogger on the phone (won't give out too much information to protect that person - ha). This blogger said one of the reason he/she has not been blogging as much lately is because he/she has been feeling a bit down about certain things.....and doesn't want the blog and be negative. I totally get that, as there are times where I want to blog about topics (or actually have written them, but didn't hit publish).....but have refrained because I do not want to sound "down" or "negative", but at the same time.......sometimes in those moments of weakness/struggle are when others can learn/glean from you (in my opinion). So, fellow blogger.......I say go for it!! Blog about your feelings (of course with what you feel comfortable sharing), sometimes we can't all wear a happy face every second of the day.

10 Honest Things About Myself

So this is why I do not spend much time alone.........I get bored and blog!! :-) I was reading a cool vegan blog tonight, and she wrote a thread - 10 Honest Things About Myself. So, I thought....why not give it a try (it will keep my mind busy and could be fun)! I am not going to include the obvious things about myself.....like what is in this blog, but instead think of random things that may not be as obvious. I thought I would share some funny random items, and a few "real" items. So, here it goes!!















10. I love mugs! Yes, some that know me pretty well already know this about myself....but I love mugs!!!! Sure, I do drink tea and coffee at times......but I do not even think that is entirely the reason why I love mugs!! :-) I just love mugs. I have quite a few mugs already, but Matt cuts me off from buying new ones!! Whenever I go to a coffee shop I will often check out their selection and seriously considering buying a new mug. :-) However, if anyone needs a gift idea (hint, hint.....).

9. I hide clutter!! Sure, you may come to my house and it seems "fairly" clutter-free (but I guess that depends on who you ask). However, if you were to open a closet door you would not be thinking the same thing. I will usually just throw a pile of "stuff" in a closet or drawer to hide it out of sight!! :-) So, moral of the story, don't open a closet or drawer in my house!!

8. If I were single I am afraid I would be the "crazy cat lady"!! Or just plain, crazy animal lady!! ha ha! Now, no, I really do not think I would. However, it would certainly be harder to "not" buy or keep that cute animal that I come into contact with often. But just when I think I would have a house full of animals......I then think of how disgusting that would be at the same time. :-)

7. I LOVE the color PINK!! Yes, I said it!!! It took me a long time to finally admit it. "My name is Amy, and I love the color pink." :-) For some reason I never wanted to seem that "girly".....not sure why??? However, finally a few years ago, after always saying my favorite color was purple (which I do still think is pretty), I admitted I have a love affair with the color pink!!! :-)

6. I adore tulips! Yes, I know, girls are suppose to be in love with roses, and don't get me wrong, I definitely like and accept roses at any time.......but I really like tulips. I get sooooo excited to see them begin to bloom in the Spring. When I worked at Ashland their campus would look beautiful in the Spring!! They had so many tulips. I wish tulips stayed in bloom all Summer long. Then when we lived in Seattle we were able to attend the annual Tulip Festival. It was completely amazing and I got a lot of great pictures (of course).

5. I am scared to be a parent! Yes, kids are definitely not a topic I really ever talk about with people (unless they ask). But I do desperately long to be a parent.......however, the older I get the more afraid I become to be parent, and just started recently admitting that to myself (the fear). Will I be a good Mom? Could I handle being a Mom?? How will I "mess up" my kid? Would I repeat some of those same behaviors I have observed in others that I have vowed NEVER to do to my child??? How can I shield my child from hurt and pain?? Those are just a few things that scare me. I have other fears...but they are more personal. Oh how I long to be a Mom........hopefully one day!

4. I love to be really silly! I love being comfortable enough with people, to be a little silly and crazy. Heck, who am I kidding.....I like being crazy and silly a lot!! I love laughter.......and giddiness....and joking......and yes at times.....being a little ditzy! :-) I just like to have fun.

3. I secretly wish I had "unique" style!! I don't mean I want to be goth or anything like that. But at times I wished I could dress "hippy'ish" or just have a fun and unique style. :-) Instead, I am just a boring "dresser"! Oh well, I suppose life could be worse!!

2. I really wish that I could somehow take pain (emotional and physical) away from people, especially people I care about. Yes, I know...this one is not a "fun" honest tidbit. But I sincerely wish I had some "power" that would allow me to take away pain from people. And yes, I do firmly believe that we learn and can get strength in the midst of pain............but I also wish I had the power to take that hurt away from people. I hate to see people hurting.

1. Okay.....and for the number 1 honest tidbit (no I did not save this really for #1....it just happens to be)......I LOVE Madonna!!! :-) I know many people are disgusted by Madonna, but I would absolutely LOVE to see her in concert. I love every single one of her songs. I think she is beautiful. I like that she is fine with being unique. I love how "buff" she is. Despite the controversy, I do think it is cool that she has adopted children. I like how she is a bit risque (or at least she use to be). I just love Madonna!! Okay, time for an 80's/90's dance party!

Community and Loving Others......

I read this quote today and thought I would share it. I hope you enjoy it too!

"Out Of a great need We are all holding hands And climbing. Not loving is a letting go. Listen, The terrain around here Is Far too Dangerous For That." ~Hafiz

Yep, that is right.....I am a quote girl! I love to read things that others have written that resonate with me. Maybe it is part of that need for "connection" that is innate within me. But anyway........

I thought this quote was pretty cool, as I love "community" (and that is what it reminded me of)! Sometimes I think I would really enjoy living in a commune-type living arrangement (an intentional community). Maybe I should have been a young adult in the 60's-70's!! I just really like the idea of people living together, or at least in close proximity and sharing many different things with one another. It could be small items like sharing living space, sharing food, items of necessity. Or it could go farther......raising your children together.....sharing those personal aspects of life.....always being in fellowship. I think it would be amazing to live in a community where people are authentic! Oh how I love authenticity. I also love learning how to work through difficult times (of course it is best when others are committed to the same thing). Obviously if you have a group of people coming together there are going to be conflicts, but how amazing would that be to be able to work and learn through difficulties and conflicts.....learning about each other and about oneself....constantly evolving into a "better" person. What an amazing challenge that could be and very rewarding!!! Perhaps this is a small reason why I enjoyed residence life. My commune idea is just residence life "upped" a few levels!! :-) I love community (and being around people all of the time)!!

But isn't it true that life is so much easier when we have others to walk through it with? I think this quote drives that home. We are all attempting to figure out the meaning of life....what we are to be doing....how we are to be living.....how to make the right choices. It can be overwhelming at times. But once we stop and realize that EVERYONE is going through the same exact thing (life and learning), then that is when we can realize that we can go through it together. Really go through it together.....helping one another out.....being authentic....being there for others.

And during life you are going to be hurt by others.......but don't give up on others. Don't stop loving.......because it is in the relationships that we truly learn and can continue through the "dangerous terrain" that is sometimes life.

What I am thankful for today.....

Today I am thankful for people that just have a genuinely "good" heart! Now, my husband would be making fun of me for saying that because it is obviously not really their heart, that pumps the blood I am referring to. But for the "majority" of the world, I think they would understand what I am saying (and not take it literally). :-)

I sometimes really appreciate the simple things. I think you can so quickly (well often) tell when someone is just legitimately a good person.......someone with a good heart. "My heart" feels happy when I come into contact with these people....even if it is just in a quick and casual conversation, in an advising appointment.....or you just overhear a conversation. I am thankful that our world has these kinds of people in it!

There are many other qualities that I appreciate in people. I appreciate those that are "real", those that are "open", and those that enjoy connecting. But today I was just reminded of how much I also appreciate a person that has a good heart.

Okay.....just a short and sweet post of thankfulness today!!

Saving a Life.......

This morning while reading The Lantern (OSU's student newspaper), I read an article about a guy that came to speak at OSU. His name is Frank Warren. I have never heard of him until last week's article in The Lantern. He has the following blog: http://postsecret.blogspot.com/. People send him their secrets - often on postcards, and he posts some to his blog. It is my understanding that it started as part of a suicide prevention effort. It is a fairly interesting and somewhat funny, but yet sad site. I think it is interesting what people consider secrets........but nonetheless, think it is great if this helps someone "let something go." So, while taking a look at the site, I came across this letter that totally touched my heart this morning (he created a peer-to-peer crisis center):

"I've been depressed for a while now, but talking to one person on HopeLine helped me get through the night. I owe my well being and my life to Jerry.

Jerry... if you get a chance to read this... please know that you have done more for me than you could possibly know.

Thank you for just listening and being a friend even though we have never met. Your compassion just saved my life.

I'm going to get help tomorrow.

Thank you Frank and PostSecret for leading me to 1-800-SUICIDE"

WOW, how this touched me this morning. I teared-up at my desk (thankfully no one was around). :-) But anyway........I commend every person that works on a suicide hotline, every counselor that has helped someone considering suicide, every "regular" person that has been there for a person and helped them to keep from completing suicide. I also want to commend and extend comfort to those that were unable to keep a loved one from completing this final act (it was not your fault............).

This letter also reminded me of how, one day soon.......I really need to volunteer for something like this. Suicide is such a topic that hits home and breaks my heart. If there is ever anything I could do to keep someone from stopping..........to do something to help take that pain away.......I totally would (well at least I hope I would/could). I wish more people would help and listen and be less judgmental.

I am not quite sure if I am ready yet (to volunteer at something so "real"), or perhaps I keep making excuses. Hell, I interceded and assisted suicidal students during my residence life days.........2 of of which were in the year following John's suicide, while I worked in Seattle. I certainly do not think I would freeze up, or not be able to stay strong in the midst of helping/listening (for some reason in the midst of chaos/crisis, I often can remain calm - yes shocker).........but I think I am more afraid of how much it would impact me afterward.......especially if I find out or someone would complete suicide that I was trying to help. But then I think, how selfish is that??? That I think "I" couldn't endure the heartache.......when these people are feeling something even more real and deeper than my darn empathetic heart is. I just need to get off my butt and do it. I have been saying it for 5 or more years that I want to "help" people in this way (volunteering).

So, anyway........I hope the above letter touches your heart too and reminds you how precious life is.....and how you never know how you "could be" showing someone compassion and care. It could be just what they need at that moment.

Aging......

Aging, such a strange, difficult and interesting process. Every day we are getting older....with every breath we take we are one step closer to death. Kinda of sad.....no, don't worry, I really do not think about that often. However, this weekend I really started to reflect on aging. Obviously I am getting older, and thus, everyone around me is also aging. People important to me are getting older. With the circle of life, we are born, we live life and then we die. When thinking of this.....one can realize how important it is to live life to the fullest!!!

This past weekend while visiting my Grandma in the Nursing Home, I was forced to see the mortality of each person. To see how with getting older, and possibly getting diseases it really takes a toll on your body. Some people are still able to get around in wheel chairs okay, while others have limited mobility, but with the help of others can get around. Then there are those that are confined to their beds. Over the last few years I have gotten a lot better at going into Nursing Homes. Until my Grandma was in one 2.5+ years ago.......going to a Nursing Home would be the last thing I would want to do. It made me sooooooo incredibly sad. I would usually cry as soon as I entered the front door....how embarrassing. I just felt so incredibly bad for the people in there. I still feel a bit sad when I go to a Nursing Home, and I definitely shed some tears on Saturday, but I have gotten a bit better.

So anyway, after visiting with my Grandma for a few moments on Saturday, I walked around with some family members to visit a few other people we knew in the Nursing Home. Ironically, my Great Grandma's brother-in-law is right across the hall from her. I had not seen him for quite a while. He is now 92, but has endured some strokes which leaves him not able to talk that much, and he is pretty much confined to his bed. I remember him having such an ornery personality, but not as much anymore. I also visited with a guy that use to live in Zanesfield. Even my Mom and her siblings grew up with him (they grew up in the same town - this guy has lived there for a long time). But anyway, he is a sweetie and a little jokster. He has throat cancer, and the lump in his neck/throat is causing him a lot of pain. He was apologizing to us for it effecting his speech. I just felt so bad for him. Yet again.......forced to see the effects of aging.

So, then what really "brought it home"......... I was talking to a guy that grew up with my stepdad, they were really good friends. John would be 50 next month. As I was looking at this guy, I was noticing his wrinkles......thinking.......John will never experience those wrinkles. John will never experience the impact of aging. It kinda made me sad. Not sure why.........but I felt it inside. I realize something must have been so bad that he felt the only way for the pain to end would be to take his life. So, even though I think seeing the signs of aging can be sad at times.........it also made me sad that John will not experience the effects of aging. This could apply to anyone that died at any earlier age, but he is usually the one I think of and who I grew-up with.

So anyway.....tis the circle of life. Aging is just a part of life....for better or worse, it is a part of life - a natural process. We just need to make certain to spend time NOW with those that are important to us!! Life is short!!

The Kind Life & Alicia Silverstone

I have been a vegetarian off and on ever since high school.....so for a while. I would certainly go through spurts where I might have meat if I really crave it. But honestly, I have never been a big fan of meat, and I would often think of the animals....and in high school....it also had to do with having unhealthy eating habits (i.e. disordered eating). But anyway....then after I got married and had my first job as a RD at Ashland, I began reading about vegetarian eating...clean eating....vegan eating.....and with the help of a wonderful RA found some really great resources that started me on my journey.

I think I experimented with vegan eating.....oh....back in 2002 for the first time. I would do this off and on....go dairy & meat free for 3 months or so...then have dairy again. And of course, over the last 7-8 years would have meat off and on. Again, typically only if I really craved it, and really was only in the Summer I may crave a braut (yes, real healthy meat), or I like lamb if I would go out to eat with my husband's Greek family.

I haven't had meat in well over a year and honestly, never plan to have it....even if I crave it. I have been reading more and more about the treatment of factory farmed animals....and it is just deplorable. I passed a semi-truck carrying a trailer full of cows a few weeks ago and started bawling. Yes, I know.....I may be feeling the empathy a bit too much.....but I can't help it. It is who I am. I could never imagine intentionally causing harm to a living creature. I am not able to read too many books or stories about factory farming, or testing on animals, or slaughterhouses because I know it would depress me for a long time. However, I have read enough to know, that they are treated horribly. Sure, there are some small local farms that give their animals good lives until they are slaughtered, but for the vast majority of animals....they are confined in a small stall, to stand and lay in their own feces....not given any open pastures to walk around in.....and chickens are in small cages...with their beaks often removed...or if they are still intact....they will be pecking at their neighbor because they are so confined. And of course....we have the way people treat them as they are hanging to be slaughtered. Believe me...that is just the tip of the ice berg.

So.....needless to say......I really try to minimize animal cruelty (including buying cruelty free cleaning products, make-up and clothes). Now, I am by no means perfect...as I have not fully given up dairy. But when I do purchase dairy, I typically buy from local dairy farms where I can research and know how they treat their animals. I also only buy "Certified Humane" eggs. But.....when we go out to eat.....that is not the case, of course. I do not know where their dairy comes from (unless it is NorthStar :-)). I really do hope to be vegan again.....one day soon. Which leads me to the main reason for blogging during my lunch hour today......

I bought Alicia Silverstone's "The Kind Diet" last night at Borders. I read about its release last Fall...and added myself to the wait list at our local library. However, somehow (of course), I missed the email notifying me it was in. So.......instead of waiting forever again, I decided to use my 30% off coupon and buy it. She has been vegan for over 10 years and has really lead the march in animal cruelty, living green etc. So far I have enjoyed this book.

Last night, while reading the book, I really got a first-hand look into Alicia's heart. I really am not one to follow celebrities that much......but I was honestly very "wowed" while reading her journey last night. I actually felt that we deeply shared our love for animals. Considering how much I care for animals.....I am by far a minority with anyone I know. Again, I cried while passing a truck full of cows a few weeks ago.....and cry if I hear about an animal dying...... So, anyway, it was really awesome to see her deep love for animals (I could relate...and I LOVE relating). WAY TO GO ALICIA!!!!

Beyond animal cruelty, factory farming is very draining on natural resources and creates a lot of pollution. I highly encourage people to read about this.....as it does go beyond not eating meat because you are killing animals.

Why do I do it....for three reasons....... #1 the animals, #2 my health, #3 the earth!! I am happy and confident with my choices, but I am also not one to push my beliefs on others. Now, I will talk and share if provoked.......but you don't have to worry about my pushing my convictions on you for eating that hamburger. :-)

So, anyway.....I thought I would link to Alicia's website regarding her book. It has some great information, forum discussions, recipes, etc.: http://www.thekindlife.com/

Oh.....and her book has some amazing recipes. :-) Speaking of recipes....a few of my other favorite cookbooks that I use weekly are: all 3 Vegan cookbooks by Sarah Kramer (highly recommend), and the Simply in Season book is pretty good for simple and healthy recipes. And vegweb.com has AMAZING recipes!

Okay.......off my soapbox now!! :-)

Sit Long, Talk Much, Laugh Often

Okay, so I know the picture above is not the best quality....as I took it with my cell phone. But it says, "Sit Long, Talk Much, Laugh Often." I absolutely loved this sign. It was of course, at a wonderful coffee shop - one of my most favorite places to be!! I thought that this really summed up my motto in life (well kind of). :-) As stated many times throughout this blog over the last 3 months, I love to connect with people....and I think this sign says it all. In my opinion, there is nothing better than being able to sit (in a coffee shop is great), talk a lot (and share what is on your heart), and of course.......there should be laughing at some point!!! I find such joy in listening to and sharing with others. So anyway......if someone happens to see this sign some place for sale (preferably a smaller version), please let me know!!! :-)

Pictures......

I honestly think that whomever invented the camera is one of the smartest people to ever live! I have always loved photographs. I got my first camera when I was 6...turning 7. I still have the first pictures I took on our trip to Marietta. This was before my parents divorced, and probably the last trip we took as a family. We had a boat and took it down around Marietta on a river. I do remember going through the locks on the river...thinking that it was pretty neat. However, I also have the photos to prove it. :-) It is a bit strange because for some reason I do not remember much before my parents divorced (I was almost 8), but I feel like when I look at old pictures they do help to "jog" my memory. Of course, these pictures from the trip to Marietta certainly do. But I have also looked at my Mom's old albums to help me remember things like.....a parade that I was in when I was 3'ish. I was in a little wagon pulled by goats, and my hair was in blond pigtails. My mom also has a picture of me with a kitty on our deck, and I guess I named it Miss Kitty. The pictures also remind me of birthday's through the age of 7. I am thankful that my Mom kept albums of us.

So anyway, I started appreciating pictures at a young age. I have quite a few photo albums of my own from that age of 6/7 through high school. Then when college began I started accumulating 1-2 per year!!! :-) Ironically, I haven't printed any pictures or made a scrapbook since 2004/2005 when we lived in Seattle (I keep saying I am going to start again). However, I certainly have not stopped taking pictures.......they take up a lot of space on our computers (or so my husband reminds me often :-)).

In college I took a photography class that I absolutely loved. That was the point when I started to appreciate pictures for more than just remembering occasions, but also to appreciate the beauty around you. I know from time to time I try to capture the beauty around me in a picture, but the picture never quite comes out as good as what you see.......

I am so thankful to have pictures. Being a very practical person, I feel that in a way they are your memory (I know they have been mine). A glimpse of the present and past that can bring one comfort, joy, thankfulness........ It helps me not forget someone, or maybe it is better said, it helps me not to forget exactly what someone looks like. And not forget about those amazing times together....... I have been known to carry my camera with me, just in case there will be something I need to photograph. However, I most always take it to social gatherings, especially celebrations. I love to capture the happiness of people in the moment......and just see people smiling at the camera for those posed shots. I love to photograph people that are important to me, or times that are important.

I have learned the preciousness of human life, and how you do not know what tomorrow may hold. Through these pictures I will be able to remember exactly what someone looks like and remember the good times we had together. The pictures will always be there, and if at any point I think I am beginning to forget the good times.....or what they were wearing on that special occasion......their eye color......the contour of their smile....all I have to do is bring out that picture to bring back those detailed memories. Pictures - one of life's greatest gifts!!!!

People are like stained glass windows.....

I am feeling a bit reflective tonight. Maybe it is because I am stuck inside because of the nasty weather??? :-) But anyway, one of my favorite quotes is the following:

"People are like stained glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in, their true beauty is revealed only if there is light from within." -Elizabeth Kubler-Ross

I actually first read this quote a couple of years ago. It completely resonated with me as soon as I read it - I loved it!! It gave me goose bumps!! First, I completely liked the mental picture of people being like stained glass windows. I think that stained glass windows are beautiful.....and I think people are beautiful. :-) But I also think that our lives are like a stained glass windows, in that our lives are full of color and variety. Each person is special and we have had a myriad of experiences that make us unique. We are all made up of many complexities, they can be good and bad - but nonetheless "are". I think that these complexities and unique experiences are part of the "color" of our lives (the stained glass window). All of our strengths, our weaknesses, our happy times, our struggles.......they all represent different colors and are parts of who we are. We would not be "beautiful" without these. We need to embrace all that we are, and remind ourselves that we are beautiful and unique just the way we are. Of course.....we always (well at least I do) strive to improve upon our struggles or weaknesses, but I also think there is beauty in recognizing them and being "real" about them. Being "real" about WHO we REALLY are!!!

Which kind of leads into the second aspect of the quote. Of course, each one of us are beautiful....and our beauty is in our colorfulness or uniqueness (in my opinion). We often do sparkle when the good things about us are showing....when we are able to keep that smile on our face.....and continue to be a nice person......but as we all know, we cannot sparkle all of the time. There is going to be darkness, whether that be that others recognize an obvious weakness or struggle within us, or it could be something darker..... But I think that in recognizing, and of course, being authentic in the midst of that "darker" time, that is when we are really able to show our true beauty. The true beauty (part of the color) can be noticed when people are "real", when we show we have weaknesses, and when we show that we are not afraid to talk about them (part of the light from within). Or perhaps the true beauty is recognizable because we allow others to see us struggle with something, but they also see us learn in the midst of this struggle.......and in that journey the beauty is apparent. Or perhaps the beauty is noticeable once that person has come through that darkness............. Whew!! I get so excited about learning, growing, and becoming more self aware!! :-)

Even though I do think that people are like stained glass windows.....I wonder what that stained glass window looks like? Is it a stained glass window that is in progress....so maybe there are a few areas on that window that have not been painted....but will be at some point during this life journey?? Or is it a stained glass window that is completely painted......but through this life....some parts will turn into different colors as we evolve and change???? Regardless, what a beautiful thought!!!!

I hope that this particular blog makes sense. :-) It often makes sense in my head as I reflect......but I struggle to put it into words. I think that I am sometimes better as I reflect with others....and verbally discuss a topic (sorry about the grammatical errors in this one too!!!!).

Need to change....

So, I have kept from openly blogging about this for a week, just to get absolute results....but they have officially determined that my great grandma has bone cancer. She is the only great-grandparent that I have living. Yes, I am very fortunate to have met all but 2 of my great-grandparents in my life. I guess that is what happens when both of your parents are the oldest and I am also the oldest. But nonetheless, am thankful. We got the news last week that they thought it was cancer, but wanted to do more testing. So, yet again I am left feeling so many emotions. I feel sad for my grandma, and the fact that she has to deal with this (she is currently in a lot of pain).....but feel anger because of how much cancer impacts our lives. And at the same time, I feel happy that she has lived a long life.....she is 88!! What an amazing feat in itself!!

It was only 4.5 years ago that she had to watch her son (my grandpa) battle and die of cancer....and now to be faced with the same disease. Life just isn't fair. Thankfully, she has three amazing daughters that have been there with her at the Nursing Home over the past week (she has lived on her own up until this past week). I am also thankful that I was able to visit her this past weekend. Below are a couple of pictures from this past weekend.

A picture of the twins with their great-great grandma!!

My brother, Shane and I with grandma.

After talking with my mom this past weekend, I also found out that 2 other family members have had cancer. That really got me thinking, hmmmm............my brother had testicular cancer, my grandpa died of cancer, my great-grandma currently has bone cancer, my other great-grandma did have breast cancer (but thankfully did not die from this), and then 2 other family members had cancer (a great aunt, and a great-great aunt). That is six relatives right there.....maybe I need to be doing something to be as proactive as possible about my own health. Granted, I feel I eat fairly healthy (eat mostly preservative/additive free, and do not eat meat) and I do exercise.....but I have decided to try to do more research on this topic....and determine what foods are better for you to eat, and what foods are good to avoid. Obviously, I realize this is not the only reason a person gets cancer.....but I feel like it is my responsibility to be as "responsible" as I can for my own health. I will keep you updated on what I find.

And thank you for your good thoughts....as our family will need them over the next few months....

Reflection of 2009.........

Happy New Year!! It is hard to believe it is 2010. I thought to honor the New Year....I would reflect on this past year.........

One of the things that I am most proud of is that I completed jogging in a half-marathon!!! :-) I hope to do another one this upcoming May. I have wanted to do this for at least 5-6 years.....and with the encouragement of a great friend decided to go for it. I began training with a group every Saturday morning called MIT (Marathoners In Training). It was a great way to get me started and know I could do it. After I worked up to running a 7-mile long run, I had a couple of friends tell me about the Jeff Galloway Approach.....and it is amazing and worked very well for me!! He highly recommends walking breaks at certain intervals, as it can make you faster and assist with recovery. I must say it definitely helped me. I would run for 4 minutes then walk for 1 minute and repeat that throughout my long runs on Saturday's. I also did this for the entire 13.1 miles for the Cap City Half-Marathon!! I noticed that my times did improve with this approach, and I was rarely sore the next day after a long run. Even after I completed the half-marathon (I was really sore that Saturday afternoon/evening), but the next day I felt great. I also ran, well, really jogged in a couple of other races this past year including, The Race For the Cure, The Columbus Crew 5K, and The Flying Feather 4-miler on Thanksgiving. I am thankful that I am able to get out and jog....and hope to continue to improve. Thank you Jennie for being such an encouragement and running partner!!!

I have been teaching online at Franklin University for a year and a half, but this past August I also decided to try teaching a few face-to-face (onsite) classes. I really enjoyed this. I wasn't quite sure how it would work for me as Franklin University is mostly comprised of adult learners....and online they do not know your age. However, seeing me in a face-to-face classroom, I wondered how it would work considering I would be younger than the majority of my students. But I really enjoyed it and it actually went well. I am teaching another face-to-face this Winter Trimester and an online class. I am thankful that I am able to stay connected to Franklin and work with these students! I just do this as an "extra", but great part-time job!!!

Matt and I celebrated our 8th wedding anniversary on May 26th......but have been together for almost 12 years now. How time flies! It is at times like this when I think of how long we have been married......that I start to feel old. :-) We took a week off from work this Summer and traveled to one of our favorite cottages in Berlin, Ohio. It was pretty relaxing considering how busy our Summer was. I really hope that we can make it back to Seattle, Washington again this upcoming Summer....but we shall see. I also really want to visit New England too.......hmmmmmmm

I was also in Matt's sister's (Beth) wedding this past Summer (well we both were). She and her husband live in Texas. But it was a very nice wedding in the Park of Roses. We also enjoyed a yummy wedding rehearsal dinner at The Happy Greek. Then Beth and Eric went off to GREECE for their honeymoon - so jealous!! Matt's dad's family is from Greece. They were able to visit their family on the island of Poros and travel to other parts of Greece. I would love to think one day we will make it there. Oh to dream...........

My brother's twins turned FIVE this past September!! I cannot believe these little cuties are 5 years old!!! I had a great time at their birthday party. It is great to see them growing up and developing their own little personalities. Miss Emmi is a little sassy girl......but so much fun. Jay is a sweetheart......and is about a foot taller than Emmi!!! I love them so much!!

It was also nice to see my Grandma Dowell making improvements at the end of this year. The last few weeks of 2009 were amazing with her.....watching her talk more.....and be able to stand with just a little help from my Grandpa. She is such an amazing person and my hero!!!! I love her!!

I am also happy to say that my brother is still cancer-free!!!!! I am always so thankful after he gets a clean bill of health after each of his check-ups......I sincerely hope they continue to be free of cancer. I love you Shane!!!

I love my job advising students at OSU, and I am thankful for the new friends I have made while working at OSU. I look forward to seeing each of those friendships flourish. I am thankful for the diversity that OSU possesses!!!

I am also thankful for all that I learn from others, from reflection and reading difference sources. I love to see how my thoughts and views have changed over the years, especially this past year. I am very passionate about equality for all people....and I like to see how this is something that I have become more aware of and more empathetic too. Columbus is such an amazing city to live in.....it is pretty diverse and there are so many different events and ways to get involved. I am thankful to have my eyes and heart opened to things I may never have experienced had I chosen a different path. I am sure a blog will come soon explaining in more detail what I mean. :-)

As usual, I am so thankful for my friends and family. I feel like 2009 was a busy year and a year that I was able to spend a lot of time with friends and family. As stated before in a previous blog....I am thankful that as we get older my siblings and I get closer. This makes me happy. :-) I am thankful for the time that I was able to spend with my parents (including step parents), grandparents, siblings (and their families), extended family and all of my amazing friends!! I love all of you!

Happy 2010!! May this year be an amazing year for all!!!

The past....does it make you stronger?

My brother Shane, just wrote an an amazing blog about his past, feel free to check it out http://past-shane-future.blogspot.com/. But anyway, it got me thinking about....does your past make you stronger? In my opinion, it has made me stronger. Of course, there are things I wished I didn't have to experience, but the truth is, life happens and I did experience it....and needed to learn to deal with it. I like to think that the different hard, life-changing experiences I have lived through will eventually (if not already) help someone else. I love to help people and talk about difficult topics. Thus, if what I have been through can help someone else, then I almost feel like going through it was worth it (I hope that makes sense). :-)

So.....what are some big life experiences that have taken place in my life that have made me stronger? I am only going to choose a few to talk about, as this blog could get pretty long. :-)

I am sure that the first big, life-changing experience to take place would be my parents divorce. I was 7, almost 8 when they officially divorced. I remember being a bit sad about it, crying one day when I was at school (and to be honest, I do not remember much before their divorce).....but I do not remember it being something too difficult to deal with. I will not talk in detail about the divorce, as that is not my place. But some of the aspects of the divorce have certainly impacted me as an adult and some fears I have in relationships. Now days many people I know have divorced parents, but back in the 80/90's it was not as common. I do not think any of my close high school friends had divorced parents. However, as stated in my previous blog, I would much prefer that my parents be divorced, and happy with their lives. I did have more difficulty when my Mom started dating again.......but that is another story. However, I do think their divorce has impacted and the person I am today.

Hmmm......how to approach the next topic that comes to mind as a child. Though my mom was very happy when she was married to John, which I am thankful for.....I was not always happy. As I think back, I know John must have wrestled with many demons which ultimately lead to ending his life. However, growing up he was not exactly the nicest guy. In September/October of 2002 I was able to finally forgive him (but that is also for another blog - ha). But growing up with him I never felt comfortable. I was always afraid I was going to do something wrong. He would yell at you with the drop of a hat.....or just be plain mean. Being a pretty good kid, and a perfectionist, this would make me soooo nervous. Thus, I would often be with friends or in my own bedroom to stay away from him. I was always afraid I was going to get in trouble for something, and I HATE being yelled at. I felt scared in my own home.....which has certainly impacted my life. I knew when searching for a boyfriend/husband I wanted the opposite of what I grew up with.....which really was Matt. Now, that is not a necessarily a good way to search for a mate, but that is what I needed. I needed to feel comfortable again with myself....and hopefully learn to be able to relax. But as you can tell from a previous blog, I still do have issues "relaxing." Now, I do not know that it all has to do with growing up the way I did.....but I certainly think it has an impact.

I feel like from oh 2001-2004 my life was pretty low-key. Matt and I did get married young (at 22), and I really "learned who I was" which then causes you to work through different things. But overall....those years were great. I worked along side my best friend, and LOVED what I did at Ashland University, working in Residence Life. After completing my Master's Degree I wanted to "get out there" and live some place else. Why not? In Residence Life you can move easily to a different state. I did get a job working at my first choice school - Seattle Pacific University. Seattle, WA - what an amazing place!!!! However, the next 5'ish years then proved to be probably, not probably HAS proved to be the most difficult of my life.

In August of 2004, a month after moving to Seattle, WA. I found out my step-dad John (of over 14 years) completed suicide. Again, I will blog about what I learned through that soon (I promise), but boy.......did this have a HUGE impact on my life. Not only did I know nothing about suicide, but someone I knew completed it, and I was like 3,000 miles away from my friends and family....in the middle of training. Immediately, all of the feelings I had growing up came flooding back to me. I felt bad that I had such unpleasant thoughts about John growing up, I felt guilty....but immediately had a good friend tell me to not discredit my feelings from growing up. That could cause more damage. Ultimately, I decided to fly back to Ohio to be with my sisters (Abby and Heather). It was one of the best decisions I ever made. Whereas, it was a VERY hard time, I am so thankful I was there for the funeral. But returning to normal life was a BIG time of reflection. I did seek counseling, and I tried to continue talking to my sister and Mom to ensure they did not bury any feelings. Despite that experience being a challenge at the beginning of the school year, I was still able to work with suicidal students without that impacting the job that I do. In September of 2005 I participated in the annual "Out of the Darkness" suicide prevention/awareness walk that takes place across the country. And I am also a BIG proponent of bringing awareness to this taboo issue, that again, is one our society does not talk about. I am thankful it is something I can talk about and shed the light on in hopes of keeping others from taking their lives. It is time our society break their silence, and stop treating suicide as such a taboo topic.

The same academic year, in early 2005 my maternal Grandpa was diagnosed with cancer. His cancer was incurable and eventually killed him. This is the first time I witnessed what this horrible disease can do to your body. I remember mom sending me updated pictures of him from when he was at home, to when he went to The Cancer Treatment Centers of America.....and I couldn't believe the physical changes. I was trying to prepare myself, because thankfully we made it back from Seattle in time to see him. I was able to see him in early August 2005 (he died a week later). I really hope that he knew I was there, as he was not in very good health at all. If you would not have told me that was my 66 year-old Grandpa lying there, I would never have known. The cancer had ravaged his body so greatly that I didn't recognize him. He looked like he was 90. I held it together long enough to tell him I was there, give him a kiss, and tell him I love him. Then I looked at my Mom and she knew I needed to leave the room......and then the floodgates opened!! But even more harder than seeing my poor, but amazing Grandpa in that condition was knowing when I said goodbye to him, it would be the last time I said goodbye to him or even talked to him. I still cry when I think about that. How do you say goodbye to someone that you know you will never see again??? HOW!!! Somehow I did muster the strength, but boy was that hard. This then leads me into another story of cancer....

In January 2007, my younger brother Shane was diagnosed with cancer!! CANCER!!! A 25-year old was diagnosed with cancer. Yes, I know, there are younger people diagnosed every day, but my brother? I remember him calling to tell me at work, and not only was it hard to hear it from him.....but immediately I thought about what I saw my Grandpa go through just a year earlier. I DID NOT want to see my brother go through that. I was immediately faced with the mortality of life. I am so incredibly thankful that my brother only had to go through two surgeries, and 3 years later, he is cancer-free. I am also glad that I was able to be there for both of his surgeries. My brother is such a brave man to endure what he has. I am sooooo proud of him. But through both of these experiences it has made me much more sensitive to cancer and the STRONG desire to want to find a cure. This past year my brother ran with Matt and I in The Race for the Cure (Matt and I also ran in it the year before). It was SUCH AN AMAZING experience and I hope it can become a tradition with my brother. I know the race is for breast cancer, but any strive to find a cure is a good thing. Below is a picture of Shane and I from that day. If you notice, I wore a yellow hanker chief to celebrate Shane conquering testicular cancer (yellow is the color for that cancer).



As stated in previous posts, in 2006 my Grandma started falling a lot, and then in the Summer of 2007 we found out she had Alzheimer's, dementia and had many strokes. This severely impacted her and my Grandpa's life. She could no longer walk, or do pretty much anything on her own. This was VERY HARD for me, as I have always been very close to her. I was in that nursing home almost every day in the Summer of 2007. My Grandpa has worked very hard with her over the last 2.5 years. And thankfully, as you saw in a post from a couple of days ago, she was able to stand with just a little help from my Grandpa. What an accomplishment!!! She has also been able to talk a bit more. This has been amazing to see. But watching her go through this has been hard for me personally.....and has very much impacted my faith (or lack there of). Granted, this is not the only thing to impacted my faith....but has contributed.

Well, this is starting to get a bit longer than planned. There are certainly some things Matt and I have experienced that are life-changing and I have learned quite a bit through. And there are some other stories from high school I could share. But some of those are more for only those close to me, which is ironic I would say that considering how open I am. :-) But they are certainly experiences that have contributed to the person I am today.

So, anyway.....yes, I do think that my past has made me stronger......and I hope that I can be one to help others both now and in the future.

It's Complicated....

Hello All! So, yes, two blogs in the same day, though, by the time I finish this blog it may be into day 2. :-) This evening I went to watch "It's Complicated" at the movies. It was a GREAT movie, very funny, but yet had a great "real" touch to it too (which I L-O-V-E)!!!! Anyway......as with most movies I watch (besides the mindless ones) it got me reflecting..... Typically I would verbally process this with someone like my great friend Steph, but it is kinda late, so I am instead going to blog (and try to get my thoughts on on paper....which usually does not work as well as verbally processing - he he).

Sometime with movies I get a bit frustrated because they are so unrealistic, but yet, I may often want that "feeling" in my life....whether that be something romantic or having to do with fairy tale relationships. But tonight, the movie was fairly realistic and I am sure something that happens more than we know. But what is funny is even though I know many movies that I watch are a bit unrealistic, I am still drawn into them.

So, in this movie a divorced couple of 10 years (but were married for at least 20), decided to hook back-up and have an affair with one another. Yes, I know that may not have been the best thing (but who I am to judge?). However, it made for an interesting movie. At one point their kids find out about the affair and were pretty upset, sad, confused and not sure how to process this new found information. They actually show them the next morning (all adult kids) in a bed together crying. They had finally gotten use to their parents being divorced, after I am sure a hard time of processing and coming to terms with it (I know, I experienced it as a child). So, at this point they didn't know "how" to feel. I know that if this happened to my parents (not now), but if it would have in the past, I probably would have been angry and upset too. Sure, it is usually a child's dream that their parents remain married or get back together. However, I was always different. Perhaps it was because I was the oldest....and wanted to take care of those I loved?? But anyway, I think it would have been more difficult for me to deal with them getting back together (not that that was ever going to happen as a kid....but this movie got me thinking). In this life, in my opinion, it is important for each person to be happy. If a marriage is not working, and divorce is the best option....then do it. I pretty strongly feel there is no point in staying in a marriage that is unhappy or unhealthy. We only live this life once.....so why allow yourself to be miserable?? Both of my parents were obviously more happy a part, and for this, I am thankful they realized this and were able to find happiness with a new person. I know, I know, not many may feel this way. But for me, I care more about their happiness, and I think that most children would prefer to see their parents happy and not be raised in an unhealthy environment where there is strife and not love. To quote the movie "It's Complicated!"

Yes, it is complicated.....just as the movie is titled!!! Life is complicated, very much so in my opinion!! I strive everyday to learn more about myself and others to be able to make the most of this short time we have on this planet. Speaking of marriage in my above paragraph, I also find it unfortunately ironic how soooooooooo many people do not talk about how difficult marriage is. Society often shuns people for divorce, and may think of them as weak, when I personally think the opposite. Now of course, I am not by any means advocating that everyone run out and get a divorce without working first. But at the same time, our society does not talk about taboo topics such as MARRIAGE BEING HARD (actually society does not talk about many taboo topics, which I have a passion for breaking that barrier to with other taboo topics). So many want to give off and show that everything is okay.....marriage is great. Sure, marriage can be absolutely wonderful. But at the same time, it is hard work. I have now been married for over 8.5 years....and we have had our fair share of hard times during those 8.5 years (we got married very young....right out of college). For those that know me reading this blog.....they know some of those troubles. But I am thankful we have thus far learned to continue to work at it. I had a discussion with a friend this past Summer, and she made the comment, you have to consciously make the decision every day to be committed and work at your marriage (she is a wise friend, and that was a wise comment). It is a decision. I do not think it is always something that comes easy. So, my point of this paragraph is that "it is complicated" and I wish that so many people would be "real" and share with others the difficulty of something as common as marriage. We should be understanding and supportive of those going through difficult times, for those that maybe made decisions that have impacted their marriage, for this just having a difficult time connecting in many facets of their marriage. Why must we be judgmental and closed as society?? (I personally strive for people to think of me as non-judgmental) All we need is LOVE and SUPPORT, and I am not talking about in friendships right this second - ha!! Of course, love and support is important in marriage too!!! ha!! So, my challenge to probably the 4 people that read this is....be "real" with your friends about your struggles. Don't hesitate to admit marriage is hard work. Yes, there are beautiful moments....but it is hard work!! :-) I am thankful for those "real" friendships where people are actually "real" and not ashamed to admit that it can be hard (just as life in general can be hard). Again, sure marriage can be absolutely amazing...but it can also be hard and communication is the key. I am also thankful that I love and care about my friends and can be completely supportive of them if and when they do decide divorce is the best option for them. I know it is not an easy decision........and I love them for being so courageous in the midst of what is going on. I just LOVE people and appreciate those real friendships that help you get from day to day.

Well....I was thinking of writing about another topic during this post, but I know it is getting pretty long in itself. :-) I will save that for another time......kind of a continuation of this topic leading into a tiny different aspect.

Life is complicated........learn to be a loving and supportive friend that is willing to accept and help others in the midst of any life circumstance!!!!

Thankful.....tradition....

I feel thankful for family time the past two days. :-) I really enjoyed spending time with my loved ones on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. I still have some more "christmas" events this Sunday (with my mom) and then next weekend with my dad (when brother and his family come up). But I have certainly enjoyed the quality time over the last two days.

I am certainly a person that enjoys tradition. Christmas Eve is one Christmas tradition that has been pretty much the same since I was born (or at least as far back as I can remember :-)). When we were really young, we would go to my Grandma and Grandpa Dowell's on the evening of Christmas Eve. I remember driving home in the dark....getting excited for Santa to come in a few hours!!! Then as we got older, we moved to having Grandma and Grandpa's Christmas Eve gathering at lunch time. This is just perfect too. I really love this tradition, and WOULDN'T miss it for anything!!!! This year was a great year at their house. After a challenging 3'ish years.....my Grandma was able to stand at her kitchen sink with just a little assistance!!! Please see the below photo!!

This really was truly the greatest gift I received this Christmas!!

With the thought of tradition also comes the thought of stability. My personality definitely strives to have stability in my life. I think I feel the best when I feel like there is stability (in many facets of my life). I kind of think that most people would be this way, but I know that is not true. The last 5+ years proved to be the least stable in my life (personally and other aspects impacting my life). Thankfully over the last year, it has been a bit better (certainly thankful). So, as you can see any bit of tradition makes me happy. So, in honor of tradition.....here is another fun photo from Christmas Day. My sister and I with our Alvin and the Chipmunk "toys". :-)


Hope YOU had a great Christmas too!!! :-)

Relax.....

Relax.........such an easy word, but something that is hard for me to do. Oh, how I long to relax. Sure, I do not have anything planned for today, but my mind automatically starts thinking of what I can or need to do. I could literally sit around all day, watching television, or reading...and one would think that is a relaxing day. But no, my mind just won't quit (I have pretty much always been this way, at least I have for the last 5+ years). Why is this??

So, as I sit here under blankets.....watching...ummmm....a silly Christmas Lifetime movie, I am thinking about the fact, this should be relaxing (yes, certainly not to everyone, but it should be to me). :-) I am happy I do not have plans for today, but yet I am thinking about the cleaning that could be done, the Christmas goodies I need to bake, the camera battery I need to buy before Thursday, and of course, worrying about other silly things I do not need to. I really think the only time my mind is at rest is when I am asleep (and even then, I rarely sleep well)!! :-) zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

So, according to dictionary.com, the definition of relax is as follows:
re⋅lax 
–verb (used without object)
1. to become less tense, rigid, or firm.
2. to become less strict or severe; grow milder.
3. to reduce or stop work, effort, application, etc., esp. for the sake of rest or recreation.
4. to release oneself from inhibition, worry, tension, etc.

Yes, I tried to choose a relaxing color!! :-) Anyway......so doesn't the definition seem easy.....and heavenly?? I certainly think so, and wish I could take a hold of it.

Maybe one of these days I will find a way to "trick" my mind into relaxing........just maybe!!! I can certainly hope for that peace, right?? :-)

Below is a picture that makes me smile.....and begin to relax. I love coffee shops.....and find them peaceful. The one below is a picture from inside of the Queen Anne Starbucks coffee shop in Seattle, WA (I found it online, though have some of my own pics somewhere). Anyway, when we lived in Seattle, WA I would go to this coffee shop a lot. That was a very difficult year for me personally, and this amazing coffee shop would be my escape. I spent a lot of time there alone, at times with my RAs for one-on-ones, and Matt and I would play cards there. Enjoy the wonderful picture!!

The Journey.....

Tonight I was watching the movie "P.S. I love you" - a great movie. But in the movie the main character, Hillary Swank is talking about how after her dad left at 14, she vowed no men ever again. But then she met her husband who was the love of her life, and he died of brain cancer. She said a very interesting statement following that line, "what was the point?" She is saying what was the point of getting married and experiencing her time with him......when he ended up dying so young?

I think often in life we ask this question, I know I have from time to time....wondering the reasons why things happen in life. As I reflect on different difficult times in my life, I can still sometimes wonder "what was the point".....and even still feel pain at times. It can range from the small things in life.....really bad days,difficult relationships, to losing loved ones, etc.......what is the point in experiencing this, why? Or even better yet, perhaps you look at another person's life, and their tragedies and difficulties.....and wonder "what is the point?" Why must they go through such heartache?

As I ponder on this statement tonight, I started to think....perhaps "the point" is the journey along the way. I know I am such a stronger person from the difficult life experiences I have had and experienced. I have learned from those times, where I have really questioned "what is the point." Life can seem so unfair at times. I am not trying to saying I have had many difficult experiences, but I am sure anyone reading this can think of times in their lives that were really difficult and you cannot wrap your mind around why you must have to experience this.

So whereas, I am sure she would rather not have lost her husband and experienced that heartache, I wonder if "Hillary Swank" would be able to look back on all of the experiences and the life learning that took place after his death (I know, I know it is just a movie)? Would someone like that be able to focus on how far they have come after that horrible ordeal......and think about what they have learned along the way? I am not by any stretch of the means saying that the point of a life changing tragedy is so that person can change, or that it should have happened....but rather....can we change our thought-process in the midst of a difficult time and learn about ourselves in the midst (I hope I am making sense)??? As we all know, hard things are going to take place, and we are going to have to learn and cope with difficult, life-changing events......so instead of saying "what is the point" we can try to think of what we can learn and think about the other positive aspects of our lives. Perhaps this can only happen in retrospect....but even if only during that time.....learning, growing and changing for the better is always good! :-)

Here is a link to a good song they play at the of the movie (there are many great songs in this movie, but I really enjoy this one...the words), by James Blunt http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yf4xgf3gL4w

Week in review....

Wowsers!! What a week! Since I cannot sleep-in for some unknown reason on the weekend, I am instead, blogging. I am watching the news and reflecting on my week. Some things that happened......

1. At the beginning of the week (Monday actually), I was offered a new Academic Advisor position at OSU. It all happened so quickly, as I only interviewed with the team the week prior, and then met with the Director of the School on Monday around lunch. However, I did accept the position, as I felt peace and very excited about working with the new team. Plus, they were all very nice and seemed to truly want me to be a part of their team. It is funny because there are certainly things in life I am not confident about, but my work, I have HIGH self-confidence about. I am a very hard worker and care about what I do. I think that I have always been this way, but I also think it is partly because of my personality. I pride myself on being social, efficient, team-oriented, organized, competent etc.....all which are important in my career field. But anyway, I care about what I do, and make it a goal to do the very best EVERY day I am at work......it is just an important part of one's integrity (in my opinion). So anyway....enough digressing, I accepted the job on Tuesday!!!! I am very excited about it. I will be working with and advising students in The School of Communication. I am excited to work with a new group of students, and learn another part of OSU, to be a better resource for students. I will be working with students in the major. I also, have 2 months off in the Summer!!!! That certainly is not the reason I applied for the position, but something I am looking forward to. It is 100% full-time, so I get all of the same benefits, but will having 2 months off in the Summer (approximately July and August). I really felt good about accepting this new opportunity (and I am very thankful to have a job in this difficult economic time). I will start this position the first day of Winter Quarter, January 4th.....so I will be learning everything quickly. :-)

2. I have been able to talk to a good "old" friend a few times this week!! :-) I have missed her and have missed talking to her often, and am thankful to have had the opportunity to catch-up and chat quite a few times over the past week......I hope it continues as this has certainly contributed to a good week.

3. The Quarter ended at OSU. With this comes A LOT of grading, as I taught two classes (well actually 3, but the internship class is online....so doesn't really count) this quarter. I had around 240 students between both classes (most were my Advisees) this quarter. I taught an introductory course to students (on Monday and Wednesday) that were just admitted to the Health Science major (90 students), and I taught our freshmen Survey course (150 students - 3 back-to-back recitations on a Friday morning). Now, coming from an extrovert, whom is energized from being around people, I would be exhausted on Friday morning after teaching 3 back-to-back recitations of 5 students each....but I survived!! :-) Anyway on Thursday and Friday (mostly Friday) of this week I was reading all 240 students' final papers.....and posted grades!!! I still need to upload the freshmen students' grades to Registrar on Monday.....but I was fried by the time I left work yesterday. I do not know how Professors do this every quarter.....KUDDOS to them!!! Again, I LOVE what I do....but boy....was this a busy quarter. Last night when I got home....I made a yummy drink, had some pizza and watched a mindless movie.....just what I needed. Oh, and on top of teaching this quarter....I continued advising along with all other responsibilities........a busy, busy quarter. :-)

4. I am looking forward to the weekend!! So after a very busy week, I am looking forward to the weekend....and happy it is Saturday morning. Tonight we are going out with some friends...which should be fun. Then tomorrow night we are having a veggie sushi night with some other friends!!! :-) Oh, and we will be playing some euchre tomorrow night too!! I am so thankful for friends and I enjoy spending time with people.

Okay.....so just to make this blog even more random.......I had to post something funny.....so I love reading entertainment sites...and thought this was kinda funny last night. I found this picture last night - http://www.people.com/people/gallery/0,,20326503,00.html#20715518 Now this was People's Sexiest Man alive?? Ughhh!!! Ha ha ha!!! I wonder how they choose this?? I certainly would not have voted for Johnny Depp. I could have made some good recommendations......

Okay....I should get to doing something productive. :-) Have a good Saturday!!!