Positive Posting!!!! The MBTI!!!

Okay.......so after my post last night (though raw and honest, and what I needed to write for myself), I thought that I should blog about something a bit more positive. Even though I do not usually blog quite as often as I have in the past week, I wanted this post to be more uplifting!!!

One of my favorite things is the MBTI! The Myers-Briggs Type Indicator. If you want to read about it, go to the following website: http://www.myersbriggs.org/ Now, I know what some of you are thinking......not a personality inventory.....not something that is going to put me "in a box." But I challenge you to think differently! I challenge you to think of it as a self-exploratory tool.....something that helps you to understand yourself. Then once you understand yourself you can begin to understand and appreciate others (this is a BIG reason why I love the MBTI so much)!!! How nice would that be........to understand others too, huh? You can then have a new found appreciation for others knowing that they are not necessarily acting a certain way to make your life more miserable (well......I guess some people still may choose to do that). :-)

Typically if someone knows the MBTI at all.....they can peg me pretty well, fairly quickly. I am pretty extreme, or dominant in each of the categories. I know when I have been asked my type before.....often someone will say, that is what I figured. I don't mind......I am "okay" knowing my strengths and weaknesses. My name is Amy, and I am a ESFJ!

The "E" means extrovert. Honestly, what this comes down to for me is where I draw my energy. I am energized by being around people.......by interacting with the external world/environment. I am a verbal processor...most definitely. I am pretty expressive. I am typically drained if I am by myself for too long. I cannot sit in my office by myself for very long before I MUST interact with someone (yes, true, my poor co-workers). I am not the most talkative or outgoing person you will ever meet.......but those are sometimes misnomers of being an extrovert. I always L-O-V-E when someone finds out that an outgoing person is an introvert. Being social and outgoing does not "necessarily" define whether someone is an introvert or an extrovert (it can, but not always).....again, where do you draw your energy?? What energizes you??

The "S" means I am a sensor. I am a very practical person that uses facts and my senses when taking in information. I am detail-oriented. This category mostly deals with how someone takes in information. I prefer dealing with concrete facts, I understand ideas and theories through practical application and I typically trust my experience. I am a very strong sensor. Whereas I am completely fine being a sensor, I admire "N's"!! I wish that I could be more of a global thinker, more imaginative and remember "specifics" when they relate to the pattern. I wish I could be a bit more big-picture oriented. I like surrounding myself with N's.......both in friendships and in work environments (as long as they are patient with how strong my "S'ness" is). :-) Actually, a lot of my closer friendships are and have been with N's - I think I am drawn to them. :-)

I am also a "F" - which means I am a feeler. I make my decisions based on my feelings - and boy do I!! I notice in talking or writing I will start sentences with, I feel rather than I think. I am empathetic, compassionate and strive for harmony. I certainly strive for harmony almost all of the time. Now that is not to say I will not disagree with something, but I will certainly look to or for a way to bring about harmony - a resolution - some kind of closure even if it is that we agree to disagree. I will often assess the impacts of decisions on the people around me. How will others be impacted by this decision???? Sometimes I take this a bit too far and can be a bit of a people-pleaser.

Finally, I am a "J" - or a judger. No, this doesn't mean that I judge people. In fact, I think that I am a fairly open-minded person......and try not to judge anyone (but that has nothing to do with the MBTI). Instead, a "J" personality likes order, is organized, makes lists, is methodical. I make both short and long-term plans a bit too much (though honestly.......I have found my long-term plans rarely happen the way I plan......so I personally do not do this as much anymore). But I do like to have things planned. Often my mind just does this naturally....putting things in order......planning whatever it is immediately. Sometimes the S and the J can be a bit too much together (in my opinion) because in this world of "order" it must make sense too - all of the details. This "may" be why I lack an imagination - what my loving husband always points out to me - ha. I don't often "dream" because of this part of my personality (I think) - the S & J. But anyway.......also with the J, I like to have things decided and prefer to avoid last-minute stresses. That doesn't mean I never procrastinate.....but usually my definition of procrastination will probably be different than someone else. :-) But I must admit......as I get older.......I find myself wanting more spontaneity. Sometimes I long to be more spontaneous......and appreciate this in others.

The following is a typical description of a ESFJ - Warmhearted, conscientious, and cooperative. Want harmony in their environment, work with determination to establish it. Like to work with others to complete tasks accurately and on time. Loyal, follow through even in small matters. Notice what others need in their day-by-day lives and try to provide it. Want to be appreciated for who they are and for what they contribute.

And yep, that pretty much describes ME exactly - for better or for worse!! ;-)

DAMN CANCER!!!!!!

Yep, I said, it Damn Cancer! I know some may be offended by that, but I needed to attempt to use a strong word to get my point across. I know I could think of some better ones....but I shall keep this PG-13 rated. ;-)

Somehow I have been sheltered from death most of my life. Granted, I think that comes from being the oldest child, and having my parents be the oldest....and most of my family having kids very early in life (well obviously, WAAAAYYYY earlier than me). I recall losing 3 great grandparents when I was in 6th grade. I do remember them, but that didn't impact me too greatly as I was only in 6th grade, and I was not that close to them. Thinking back now.....I wish I were older to know how to comfort my grandparents whom lost their parents.....but I cannot allow myself to feel guilty about that.

Then, all of the sudden.....in my 20's......death started to impact my life. I lost my maternal great-grandma.......then my step-grandma suffered and died of throat cancer......then my great grandpa died sooner then he should have........then John committed suicide......then my amazing Grandpa Alspaugh suffered through and died from cancer........and NOW his mom (my great grandma) is dying of bone cancer. I know I have already spoken of her earlier in this blog.

I have visited her about every two weeks (as I was not able to do this with Grandpa because I was coming home from Seattle and he was at The Cancer Treatment Centers of America). Two weeks ago we (great grandma and I) had an amazing visit. She has never been much of a talker, but we did have a good little visit. I then saw a post on facebook about the middle of this past weekend from a great-aunt saying that Grandma has not be doing well and she is not eating. I remember this was when my Grandpa (her son) really started deteriorating back in August of 2005. After talking with my sister, we figured we better get to the Nursing home this weekend. And boy, am I ever so thankful that I did.

However, I was not expecting to see what I saw when I walked into the Nursing Home room. I should probably preface by saying I am an emotional wimp (that also has problems dealing with death)!! I am sure most people already know that.....and if you didn't, you have probably had some hunches after perusing my blog. But anyway, Ab and I walked into the room.....and POOR GRANDMA!!! I felt so bad for her, you could tell she was suffering, and I cannot handle seeing people suffer (yes, that is probably just a really selfish side of me). Not to mention, she looked a lot like Grandpa (her son) sitting in that room right before he died. She was very fragile, a bit yellow, her face was gaunt, and you could just tell she was unhappy, could hardly mumble and going in and out of consciousness (it was like de ja vue from August of 2005). OMG! I totally held myself together long enough to go up and give her a hug and kiss....and sit down beside her....hold her hand.....and try to talk "normal" to her.....but she could only mumble. I could not make out anything out she was saying to me. Still....trying to be sooooo strong, holding back the tears.....trying to think of things to talk about (which normally comes pretty easily for me, especially when needed). I was holding her hand....and then her daughter came in....so I backed away....and at that time burst into tears (not that Grandma saw), so Ab and I walked out into the hall. This is exactly what I did when I saw Grandpa for the last time. I fought back the tears....or for about 5 minutes.....long enough to hug him, tell him I loved them....try to find something to say.....sit down for a second.....then........those damn tears started rolling. Gosh....why am I such an emotional wimp????

Ab and I went out in the hall....she called Mom and told her she should really get out here to see Grandma as she is not doing very well at all. Mom did make it too. Grandma did verbally get out that she doesn't want to be alone......she says she knows she is about to die....and doesn't want to be alone. Oh, doesn't that break your heart?? But at the same time......I hope it goes quickly.......... Thankfully they have given her different kinds of pain medications that have helped keep the pain from bone cancer and her deteriorating body under control. That is what is most important to all of us.

But anyway, back to my main point - DAMN CANCER!!! I have met so many people over the last few years that have cancer, or are cancer survivors. Each and every one of these people are hero's in my mind. I do not care if your currently cancer-free......you have still suffered and experienced a horrible emotional roller coaster. And to those that are currently in the midst of the battle......keep fighting that battle. My heart completely goes out to you. I hope that you have wonderful family to support you during this time as it is very important.

And please....please....to everyone.....NEVER forget to say what you need to say to those that are important to you. I find it so vitally important to express your emotions at all times....letting them know how much you care about them....and I am not just talking about those that are dying of cancer or something else. You should be willing to express everyday how much you care about those around you, regardless of the current situation - even if they are perfectly healthy.

Right now I am so thankful that my strong, wonderful and amazing brother is currently 3-years cancer-free!!! He is so strong and I am so proud of him. I so deeply hope he continues to get the clean tests. I love him so much!!!

Sooooooo.....damn that cancer.....and please keep my Grandma in your thoughts........thank you!

Nonviolent Communication.......

So, I have this amazing friend Jennie whom is very wise! ;-) I like to listen and learn from her. She reads a lot (unlike me).......so I glean from her knowledge. But anyway, the other day while we were eating this yummy yogurt together at lunch, she was talking about this conference she and her husband will be attending on nonviolent communication. I intrigued, asked a few more questions......learning from her wisdom....and then she emailed me some links to the concept.

I shall provide you the link to this great article that begins to talk about it - http://www.cnvc.org/en/learn-online/nvc-chapter-1/nonviolent-communication-language-compassion

I LOVED reading about this concept. Now, let me preface by saying, I LOVE the concept but know that it would be really hard to put into action (the way to communicate and respond the way they are referring to, especially in difficult situations). For some reason, I feel like deep down this is kind of natural for me and how I want to respond.....but know that I do not always, well actually rarely practice it.

So, the "article" in the link I provided above begins with this quote:
“What I want in my life is compassion, a flow between myself and others based on a mutual giving from the heart.”—Marshall B. Rosenberg
Now who wouldn't want this in their life? Well, I suppose maybe some people wouldn't.... But for those that wouldn't, is that a natural reaction? Or a reaction based upon what we have experienced in life that has broken us down.....and skewed our view of ourselves and others?

In his first paragraph he asks the following questions, "What happens to disconnect us from our compassionate nature, leading us to behave violently and exploitatively? And conversely, what allows some people to stay connected to their compassionate nature under even the most trying circumstances?" Surprisingly these are some questions I have pondered from time-to-time, so I love to hear that others wonder, care and research such topics. Often I try to take a step back, and in simple terms, wondering why someone would respond or react the way they did (again, I am speaking more about subtle, everyday interactions.....not violent crimes). I try to understand "where" that person may be coming from....what is currently going on (if I know) that may be causing them to respond to or treat others they way they do. Now, in his article he gives some very extreme examples......but it does really make you wonder and stand in awe of how strong some people are.

There were also lyrics to a song he provided on this site that I absolutely loved and thought I would share them (I do not know the song, but liked the lyrics).
I never feel more given to
than when you take from me —
when you understand the joy I feel
giving to you.
And you know my giving isn’t done
to put you in my debt,
but because I want to live the love
I feel for you.
To receive with grace
may be the greatest giving.
There’s no way I can separate
the two.When you give to me,
I give you my receiving.
When you take from me, I feel so
given to.
Song “Given To” (1978) by Ruth Bebermeyer from the album, “Given To.”

Now I greatly enjoyed the lyrics to this song and could resonate with it and feel this way in my relationships and those that are important to me. Now, I know I am going in a little different direction from the beginning of my blog. But after posting the above lyrics, the author went on to say, "When we give from the heart, we do so out of a joy that springs forth whenever we willingly enrich another person’s life. This kind of giving benefits both the giver and the receiver. The receiver enjoys the gift without worrying about the consequences that accompany gifts given out of fear, guilt, shame, or desire for gain. The giver benefits from the enhanced self-esteem that results when we see our efforts contributing to someone’s well-being." This is often how I feel in life, especially when I think of those friendships/relationships that are important to me. I love to give, and often when someone "gives or shares" from the heart with me.......it fills me. Hmmm...not sure I am making sense....but it is making sense in my mind. ;-) I love to connect....and when others genuinely connect, my heart feels full.

Anyway, take a look at the site, it is pretty interesting. I am about to reserve the book at the library to try and learn a bit more.

Self Worth.....

So....I have a few minutes to write a few thoughts that I have been pondering over the last few minutes after a discussion earlier today. I am sitting at work, but officially finished at work....just waiting until I head off to downtown to teach my Franklin class tonight (for 4 hours, I might add). So......

Where do you find your self worth?? I started thinking about my identity....and were do I get my worth from? I would say in a more recent past....like 10 years ago, I would say my faith and maybe lessons learned in life. However, now.........I sit here and ponder it a bit more.....because my life is a bit different now. I think often, I base my self worth on perfection.....or imperfection in my life....but that is an entire other blog. I also think I often base it on MY strength and HATE when I fall short.....and I have been personally feeling like I am falling very short in being strong and admitting weakness lately. Really only 1 person knows that right now....and the details involved. But apart from my personal characteristics....whether good or bad.....I really think I feel good about myself when I connect with others. I really think I find myself more confident and "worthy" when I am able to make connections with people. When I am able to learn about people (invest).....find commonalities and truly be vulnerable and share in those commonalities. Sure, that doesn't happen too often....and sometimes they may be non-deep commonalities....but still topics you can "relate" to or talk about. I am thankful for the friendships I have!

Sometimes I wonder why I am such a relational person......and if I am feeling "off" relationally....it makes my day less happy. I suppose that is what got me thinking that I may find some of my worth (or most of it) in my friendships and relationships with others. And by that, I don't mean they need to give to me......but I find "worth" in connection....in spending time with others....in investing and giving to them. That leaves me satisfied and happy....

Hmmmm.....probably something I should ponder a bit more. Oh, and of course......get over trying to be perfect and strong all of the time. But those are issues I will probably be dealing with for a long, very long time!!!! ;-)

I am sure I find self worth in other things too........but these are just some thoughts I had this afternoon. And since there is no one here to talk to.......I am blogging!!! Luck you, readers! ;-)

I want to be........

lighthearted! I know, I know......it may sound simple and silly, but something I have been thinking about lately. I wish I were lighthearted .....TRULY lighthearted. The definition on dictionary.com (sorry to give another definition in this blog) is carefree, cheerful, gay, a lighthearted laugh. It sounds so simple, huh? But yet........I struggle with it.......which I think is why I long to be it so much.

I can't explain it........to be lighthearted is something I yearn for very much internally. I enjoy being cheerful, and of course, I know that life gets in the way at times. Thus, it is not possible to always be cheerful and gay, which is fine with me......I get that. I "like" to think I am a fairly positive person......which would mean I kind of possess cheer at times (hopefully more times than not). But I sometimes wish I would let "life" get in the way a little less..........and possess "cheer" more often.......

Now onto the more difficult part of the definition.......carefree!!!! Ouch!!!! Definition of carefree - without anxiety or worry. Hmmmm.......yeah, I definitely do not exhibit/possess this part of "lightheartedness" well! I have always been a bit of a worrier.....ever since I was a little kid. I remember worrying as early as age 6'ish.....or at least when my parents were still married....so sometime before 7-8. So, sure, worrying comes natural to me (unfortunately), but worry never really impacted me that much. But then anxiety (on the other hand).......that came into my life about 5.5 years ago. I have tried soooooo many different things to try and become less anxious.....more carefree....but unfortunately there isn't much that works. Hence.......why I long to be lighthearted so desperately. And kind of along the same lines.......I long to not allow my emotions to impact me so much. Sure, I feel so many things so deeply........but I wish I could "feel" a bit less.......hence maybe have a little less anxiety in my life. Maybe??? :-) Or at least maybe I could convince and learn to fake it better.....fake so much I begin to believe and possess it??? Yeah....probably not the answer, especially since I highly value authenticity.

Thankfully, for the most part, my anxiety does not hinder my work or my relationships. Instead, it is something that is more "crippling" inside of me. Something that haunts me.....something I cannot always explain or put into words. This anxiety is not always brought on by something in particular...........which frustrates my practical mind. I cannot always explain it or put it into words.........the verbal side of me unable to get it out...... Yikes....two strikes against me.....the practical side unable to understand/make sense of it....and the verbal side unable to process out loud and put it into words - oh man! :-)

I try to find ways to incorporate more lightheartedness in my life (and I am truly writing this blog with a lighthearted intention - aka a lightheart). Rather incorporating those ways by partaking in the activities I enjoy......the people I surround myself with (or choose "not" to surround myself with)......what I allow to affect me. But I TRULY do want to be lighthearted. I want to be referred to as....Amy.....that lighthearted individual. Yes, again, I know silly........but something I certainly long for and can hope one day to possess a bit more.......fingers crossed......maybe it will happen one day......(as I let out a lighthearted laugh)! :-) :-) :-)

Things I Enjoy......

I am sitting here on a Sunday evening.....trying to relax (hence the word, trying). I am watching a little Lifetime (yay.......one of my guilty pleasures).......and obviously procrastinating grading research papers from my Franklin students. I find it quite interesting because I sometimes like the idea of "not" having something planned or something to do......a thought of just doing nothing sounds dreamy. But then I usually start to go stir-crazy and need to do something....... anything....go anywhere.

As I sit here with my kitties sleeping right beside me I decided to blog about things I enjoy. Trying to foster some positivity on this gloomy Sunday. So......here it goes. :-)

1. I enjoy watching movies!! Yep.....I say that as I am sitting here watching a silly Lifetime movie. I like to watch all kind of movies....well, except Sci-Fi and I am not much a "war movie" kind of girl. I particularly love romantic comedies.....but am also intrigued by horror/suspense movies. I could seriously watch a movie everyday (and sometimes do)!!

2. I enjoy and am thankful that I can exercise. I know that may sound silly and simplistic, and I am certainly not a "good runner".....but I am thankful that I can move.....walk....run.... There are many people that cannot do this for whatever reason, but I can. It reminds me not to take it for granted. I just ran my second half-marathon a few weeks ago. And though I was gritting my teeth at points....asking myself....why am I doing this?? I was still so proud when I crossed that finish line.

3. I enjoy going for peaceful walks in our neighborhood. Matt and I will often walk around our little quaint area of Columbus. I like the fact it is getting warmer....so we can do it more often.

4. I also enjoy the blooms of Spring and the amazing colors of Autumn. I enjoy these two seasons. I actually do enjoy all seasons for different reasons......but just find such joy in the pastel colors, colorful blooms and beautiful tulips of Spring (oh, and the Reeses Peanut Butter Easter Eggs - ha). It is an amazing rebirth after the dreary months. And Autumn......I just LOVE Autumn....the beautiful orange colors. I love pumpkins....I love the smell of pumpkin candles.....I love to eat anything with pumpkin. I love the crisp coolness in the air after a warm Summer. I love the "smell" of Autumn.....yes, I think it has a distinct smell!!

5. I enjoy that we live so close to the bike path. I am thankful we can get to it quickly....whether it be to go for a run or go for a great bike ride. I just love living in Columbus....especially in our location.

6. I enjoy that there are so many vegetarian-friendly restaurants. :-) Of course! I love Patty Cake Vegan - an amazing bakery in Clintonville. I love Northstar......I love Betty's....I love Aladdins....I love Whole World Bakery (and hope they open again soon)..........I love Columbus!! :-)

7. I enjoy baking......especially trying new vegan recipes. I may not always be the best baker, but I do enjoy it!

8. I enjoy OSU football season. I was never much of a sports watcher....I was a cheerleader a little in high school and would jog from time-to-time, but certainly never "the" athlete. However, a few years ago I really started to get into watching OSU football. Now, I will schedule my life around the games. There is nothing better than eating some pizza and drinking some beer while cheering on the Buckeyes!!! Of course, it is always good to make it to at least one game a season, which thankfully I have been able to do the past two seasons.

9. I enjoy my job (especially my new position) - I love advising. I love meeting with students and assisting and walking along side of them during this time. I also love OSU and the many great people I have been able to meet and become friends with.

10. Of course, I enjoy my family and my kitties! I am looking forward to hanging out with my brother and sister (and our spouses) at the end of the month!!! I am thankful that my Grandma D. is doing pretty well....and so thankful that she has a good and loyal husband that takes care of her. I am also thankful that my Great Grandma A. is still holding on.......

11. And.....of course, I enjoy people and my friendships. I like that I have such diversity in friendships. I am thankful for the couple of friends that I can really share deep aspects of my life with.....but I am also thankful for those that are just darn fun.....and you know can be silly with. I think that it can be difficult to make friends as you get older.....but I am thankful that I have been able to still meet people - great people over the last few years.....and thankful for friends I have known for a long time and can reconnect with from time to time. I really think I have my career to thank for this. I have met so many great people from working in higher education over the last "almost" 9 years.

Okay.....I am sure I could go on......but this is long enough and has made me feel happy. :-) I will finish the blog with a picture from my half-marathon a few weeks ago. It is one of my favorites, especially because I was still smiling at this point.

Vulnerability.........

One definition (according to dictionary.com) of vulnerable is....."capable of or susceptible to being wounded or hurt." I find this very interesting, as I have never looked up the actual definition, but instead, infer my own definition. Of course, I am more referring to making oneself vulnerable in relationships. Yep, relationships....what I am all about.

I have been thinking about this word a bit over the last few weeks. I think that in authentic relationships, there is a need.....it is a must to eventually allow yourself to be vulnerable. I mean how else do you expect to build a deep relationship? However, I do realize, that for whatever reason, many find this difficult. Hell, I have been finding this concept a bit difficult lately (in all honesty).

I myself am a pretty open person. If you want to know something about me....or want my thoughts on a topic....especially if I have experienced it, I am usually more than willing to share. I enjoy learning about others and learning about myself from sharing and receiving feedback. But lately, I have been thinking that I am not quite as open as I originally had thought. Yes, I am sure to most people my "openness" would be considered VERY open, as most people tend to have their guard up most of the time. However, even with what I share (in my openness)....there is usually something deeper to the topic I am not sharing. So, I still have a guard up even if I do appear open. Then I wonder.......why has this been bothering me lately?

Even though I really have not shared anything in this blog that I probably wouldn't talk about with the average person.....for some reason this week I started feeling like I have allowed myself to be a bit too vulnerable in my blog (though probably only about 5 people read it - ha). I even thought about deleting it. I actually did go back and delete a few entries...... And of course there are many things I choose not to blog about for this very reason. But.....why is this "vulnerability - or lack thereof" all of the sudden bothering me as of lately? Even as I type this.....I feel a bit uncomfortable.

Well, I certainly do not have the answer to the questions I am currently pondering about myself... :-) But instead, have just been reflecting. I have also been thinking about how thankful I am for those relationships where it is easy and natural to be vulnerable. I often like to look back over my short life thus far and think about what has strengthened me and helped me to get to where I am today. When I really "get down to it"......it has been those couple of CLOSE relationships over the years....those relationships where it was/is natural to be vulnerable. These relationships/friendships have helped get me to where I am today. Perhaps that is why I like the thought of being vulnerable....because when I chose to be truly vulnerable I have truly blossomed from it (thankfully choosing the couple of appropriate people/friends). Of course, I am not saying that we need to be vulnerable (truly vulnerable) in every friendship that we have, but hopefully there are small aspects of our lives in which we are able to. But instead, treasure those miracle friendships that come along every once in while (and hopefully remain)......allow yourself to be vulnerable with these people that you trust. Allow yourself to learn from one another. Perhaps I am challenging myself right now too. :-)

Every once in a while.....allow yourself to be "capable of or susceptible to being wounded or hurt".... you never know what you might gain from doing this.

Strength........

Do you consider yourself a "strong" person? What exactly is strength? What defines strength? Is strength an always constant trait, or something that ebbs and flows in a person? Could strength to one person look like weakness in another? How does one become strong......is it innate within, is it learned or could it sometimes be forced?


How can two people go through the same life circumstance.....and one come through strong.....but the other falter or completely fall apart? Again, is it innate or learned over time (strength that is).......or do some people just not have the "strong" gene. Or, is our definition of strength (as a society) incorrect? Could that person, broken and in a time of weakness, actually be strong......just not "our" typical definition of strength???? Or, are we just suppose to have a "somewhat" balance of strength and weakness?


I want to be a strong person.....as I have not been feeling very strong lately (and I feel bad admitting that). Sure, there are times where I feel strong.......always learning......wanting to help others.....learning to work through "adversity." And sure, I have been told by some people that I am a strong person. However, there are times I feel completely weak........and just long to be that tower of strength. I picture a lighthouse in the middle of an ocean......tall, tough, strong, and beautiful in the midst of a storm. And waves.......tall waves, are crashing against that lighthouse. The waves will continue to crash, and after this storm finishes.....another will come along. However, that lighthouse still remains standing strong, perhaps only slightly weathered. But the point is........it is barely impacted by that fierce storm. I like that idea. ;-) I want to be like that lighthouse.


I want to "always" be strong, not only for me, but for others. I want to learn how to stand strong and tall at all times and not let the waves of life make a dent in me. I don't want to be easily weathered.....I want to be unmovable in the midst of the chaos.....standing tall no matter what happens. Why is strength important to me? Is it some kind of pressure I put upon myself? I mean I do not have people around me saying, "Amy you need to become stronger!" (at least not yet - ha). So why do I desire to always be strong? I not only want to appear strong, but I really want to feel strong. Why do I long to be strong? I actually like and take comfort (not in a mean way) when people actually show weakness (being authentic and perhaps vulnerable......with one another). I like connecting in those times.....or being encouraging to them......helpful...... However, I have often found that very few people are willing to do this.....allow themselves to be vulnerable. Hmmmmmm ........perhaps I am part of the problem! Yes, perhaps, but I have noticed in the recent few years I cringe at the thought of myself appearing weak. That doesn't mean that I have not been weak, or shared weakness. However, I like to appear that I always have it all together. Yes, perhaps I am part of the problem.........

Well, regardless.......I still want to be strong. Strong for so many reasons............

I sooooo prefer verbally processing with people rather than writing. Kind of ironic I have been blogging as of recent months.......

Have a good night!

Happy "50th" Birthday John! (warning, a bit graphic)

Dear John,

Happy Birthday!! Today you would have been 50!!! Yes, 50!! What an amazing feat that would have been! I will certainly never forget that you were born in 1960, as you would tease Mom all of the time about her being born in the 50's while you were born in the 60's........although only 2 years a part - ha! It is too bad that you are not here for us to tease you about getting old......as you will never get old. You will forever be 44.

I will never understand fully why you decided to take your own life. Yes, sure, I certainly tried to wrap my little mind around the idea as to why you ended your own life (and still do at times). I mean I was certainly able to read in the paper what happened leading up to the end of your life.....something to this day I still don't believe. However, little did you know there were people that cared. People that would have been there to help you, care for you, love you. Oh how I wish you would have reached out more before taking such drastic measures. Sure, after processing a bit with Abby and Heather......I am sure seeing the cops come to your door the day before you ended your life did not help matters. We all know you never wanted to go back to prison. But people really did care and still "do" care about you.

I think probably the second most difficult aspect in dealing with your suicide apart from trying to understand "why" you did it, was knowing that you hung in that garage for 2 days before anyone found you - TWO DAYS!! Oh how that hurts my heart! I hope you know that Abby, Heather and I stayed with you until they put you in that ground and buried the dirt on top of your coffin. We did not want you to be alone again........ We intuitively, without saying the words, felt so bad that you felt soooooo alone to do such a thing, and then to think that you were alone in that garage for 2 days......we couldn't bare the thought of you being alone anymore. So, we stayed in that cemetery until you were in the ground and buried. Oh how we longed just to see you again.........to do something to stop you.....to comfort you!

I will NEVER EVER forget that day when I found out about your suicide. I remember exactly where I was in my apartment in Seattle when that phone rang. I was in a meeting with fellow co-workers, but I remember walking to that back bedroom and Matt telling me the news. I felt an intense fog come over me, I was dizzy, and disbelief filled EVERY part of my body. I screamed NO, and collapsed onto the ground. Poor Matt.....trying to know how to deal and comfort me in such a tragic time. But there are never "right words".....I learned during this time. It is just nice to know people care and want to be there for you. I remember talking to Abby, Christy and Steph on the phone quite a few times that day.......trying to determine if I could get back to Ohio for the viewings and funeral, as I just began a new job and was in the middle of important work training. However, coming back home for everything was SO COMPLETELY worth it. One of the best decisions I ever made. I KNEW I had to be back there for my sister Abby, and my step-sister Heather. But I am also glad that I went back for me.

I have always had, and still have a very hard time going to viewings or funerals. When I do go, it takes me forever to be able to go up to the coffin (and I sometimes don't). For some reason I would rather remember that person the way "I knew" them, not the way they look lying dead in the coffin. However, for your viewings and funeral it was different. I wanted so badly to see you. The coffin seemed so removed from the entire room (well, not really, but it seemed that way). It was almost like you were not really there. I can't explain it. It was not like I didn't believe you were in there, I did believe it. But........not seeing you in that coffin was so strange. Heather, Ab and I made some great photo collages of you for the room....and for others to see. Your sister Pam was amazing and soooooo strong. What a wonderful sister you have.

Heather and I stayed with Abby......which I think was good and comforting for all three of us. We were able to talk about the reality and details of what happened, and also remember the good things about you. Sure we talked about regrets too.......but I tried to remind them (and myself)we cannot focus on those. Your daughter Heather, desperately wanted to see you before saying goodbye........but the funeral director told her he would not recommend that. I remember them going back and forth......she so wanted to be able to say goodbye to you properly and for closure. However, after reading what happens in a hanging....and knowing you were hanging in a garage in August for 2 hot days in Ohio......I was finally able to understand why the Funeral Director did not want us to see you. But boy was it hard. All three of us also made a trip to your house during those few days (I think Heather had to get something inside). I remember thinking how nice.....but yet bone-chilling it was to sit on your front porch.....and just soak in everything that had happened. For some reason it felt comforting to be at your house even though you were not there. Though......I couldn't even think of taking a look at the garage....or the door leading to the garage.

Selfishly, the aftermath was hard for me. Even as I write this........I still empathetically (I know, not a word) feel intense pain and hurt for you. I struggled to come to terms with the fact things were not always the best growing up with you (for 14-15 years).....and that I feel guilty for saying that now. How could I think or talk about the way you impacted my life negatively when you ultimately felt so much pain on your own that you took your life. That hardly seemed fair. I also felt that I needed to be sure that my Mom and sister were processing your death the best they could. I do not know why I worried about them so much.....but I did. So, I would try to call from Seattle to check on them. My brother and his wife gave birth to amazing twins a few weeks after your death!! Oh, how you would love those little kids! But anyway, I did have a couple of friends who were not afraid to talk about the realities of the situation and not afraid to ask me about how I was doing. Suicide (and death) has such a stigma that many are too afraid to verbally ask how someone is doing or dealing with it. But thankfully, a few friends were willing to be what I needed during that time - I could never say thank you enough - especially to Steph and Michele!! Matt also listened to me often say........there is no way he could have gone to hell (as most Christians would say because of the suicide)......my rationale.....because God could not possibly send someone to hell that was feeling so much intense pain....that the only way they could deal with it was to end there life. That is just NOT fair!!!

But anyway, I did seek a bit of counseling.....which was okay. She did help me with one aspect of the suicide.....but what really helped me was a book I read by Carla Fine - "No Time To Say Goodbye - Surviving the Suicide of a Loved One." I should preface this by saying.....I am certainly not much of a reader. But I am a person that appreciates relating others. This book told the MANY stories of those that lost loved ones to suicide. It talked about the details of the suicide and how they dealt with it. This was SO VERY helpful, as I am a very real, practical and detailed person.....so to actually read what happened and how the loved ones dealt with it, it really helped me to not feel "alone" during this processing. Because I really did feel sooooo alone while processing this. The one quote that stood out to me and stayed with me........I will NEVER EVER forget (though hard to think about) was....."Most people who commit suicide don't really want to die, they just want the pain to end." OUCH, how that hurt. Boy did that touch my heart like nothing else did during this "journey". Oh John.....if only we know about this pain......if only we knew!!!! My heart pains deeply for those that are feeling so much pain that this is their last resort.

Suicide has such a stigma in our society. People refuse to talk about it, and many are embarrassed to even admit they lost a loved one to suicide (learned from the books I read after your suicide). I remember thinking how much I wanted people just to "shoot straight" with me and ask me how I was doing with the SUICIDE. It was like the white elephant in the room that people could not verbally say. I know they meant well, but I recall that being hard for me....people not asking me how I was doing processing the suicide. At first I thought it was just because I was a weird verbal processor. But another thing I learned from reading about other's stories is that many other people feel the same way. They have to suffer in silence......not able to talk about this difficult loss (suicide). It is a process often different from other deaths. So, anyway.....one of my goals in life is to break this stigma. I desperately want to help others not to have to suffer in silence.....and in my hopes to break the stigma.....I also hope I can save a life (well not necessarily me personally, but bringing about awareness). Sure, I am not a crazy person that just admits I lost someone to suicide the first time I meet them......but eventually I am not afraid to admit it. I feel like this is a small way to break the stigma. No one really ever asks the details.....which is fine....though I am fine talking about them. I just want to break this stigma that exists in society. A year after your death I participated in a suicide prevention walk. "Out of the Darkness Walk". I raised at least $250 for suicide prevention (and asking for money is not my kind of thing). John....please know that although I couldn't save your life.......hopefully I can some how make a "small" difference in another life......or show others that they can.

So anyway........on this day of your birthday.....I remember the many birthdays we did spend together. I remember that Mom would always bake you a heart-shaped cake with pink icing. I remember the day I turned 10 years old and we went to the lake.....standing by one another you looked at me and said, "So how does it feel to be two-digits now?" I remember you taking me to my 5th grade band concert......when Mom worked 2nd shift at Honda. I remember when we went on bike rides....just you and us kids and how you could bike all the way up County Road 10 without stopping. I remember that you never cared if I stayed up late in my back bedroom. I remember how you would die laughing at Christmas Vacation with Eddie would say "Merry Christmas, Shitters Full!" I find that movie comforting! I remember that you use to play Santa Claus for the City of Bellefontaine, and how you loved that. I remember when we would listen to Styx over and over again in the car - oh how I love Styx and a lot of classical rock because of you. And most of all, I remember that you called me on my birthday in that tragic year of 2004. You called me to wish me a Happy Birthday at 7:30 in the morning! I was still sleeping. :-) I know that you HATED the phone, so for you to call me on a CELL PHONE (nonetheless) at 7:30 in the morning really meant something to me (I even sent you a thank-you letter after). I had not spoken to you for a good year (at least), but was so thankful you called me. I am also very sorry that I didn't get to see you before we left for Seattle in July. Oh how I regret that I couldn't see you then (you called me too late to get together)......because one month later you would be no more. :-( Yes, there were quite a few "not-so-great-times" growing up, but often I choose to focus on the good ones. To be thankful for the short life that you lived......wishing that it had not been so short. I am also thankful for times when I can tell a story about you...especially if it is a funny one. Thank you for contacting all three of us that Summer of 2004. I am positive I can speak on behalf of my brother, sister and I and say that we are very thankful that each of us spoke to you that Summer. The pain we still feel now (or at least I do), feels a "little" bit lighter knowing we were able to connect and talk with you that Summer.

So, to honor your life and wish you a happy birthday (50th, I might add again), I wanted to include some fun pictures from growing up. Pictures that were definitely YOU!! Happy Birthday John - so many people miss you!

Love,

Amy

**The first picture at the top is SUCH A TYPICAL picture of you. Making a funny face.....with no shirt on. I think the only time you wore a shirt was when you left the house - ha!

***The picture above is with my brother Shane from Christmas 1989 (yep, I was even taking pictures then)

***The above picture is of Mom and John in June 0f 1992

***This picture is of John and I from May of 1994

***This picture is a typical silly picture of John and I in May of 1995

***This is a family picture from my senior year of high school - Christmas 1996 - Heather, Me (sporting a ridiculous hat - Christmas present I think), Shane, Mom, John and Abby

Put on a Happy Face.......

Does anyone else struggle with putting on a happy face even if you are not feeling happy?? Well, I certainly do! Now don't get me wrong, I do wish I were happy all of the time and I like to be positive as much as I can...........but darn it, some days I just don't feel happy (especially in the dark Winter's of Ohio). Then it is kind of like a vicious cycle because I long to be happy all of the time....always smiling......so if I am not I feel bad about myself....and then feel worse and less happy! Geesh.....now, how crazy is that?!?! ;-)

I feel like when needed (for example, at work), I am able to put on that smile (especially with students), even if I am not feeling it inside. I mean it is my job and I need to be professional. But I think those are the days where I am a bit more exhausted in the evening from "faking it" all day long. Don't get my wrong, I absolutely love my job.....and could NEVER imagine doing a job where I am not working with people. However, those days when I am not feeling particularly happy are hard. Even though I HIGHLY value when people are genuine and authentic......sometimes I wish I could be a little less!! I wish I could fake it a little more (even though I really value that genuineness in others). How contradictory of myself - ha!

Last night I was talking to a fellow blogger on the phone (won't give out too much information to protect that person - ha). This blogger said one of the reason he/she has not been blogging as much lately is because he/she has been feeling a bit down about certain things.....and doesn't want the blog and be negative. I totally get that, as there are times where I want to blog about topics (or actually have written them, but didn't hit publish).....but have refrained because I do not want to sound "down" or "negative", but at the same time.......sometimes in those moments of weakness/struggle are when others can learn/glean from you (in my opinion). So, fellow blogger.......I say go for it!! Blog about your feelings (of course with what you feel comfortable sharing), sometimes we can't all wear a happy face every second of the day.

10 Honest Things About Myself

So this is why I do not spend much time alone.........I get bored and blog!! :-) I was reading a cool vegan blog tonight, and she wrote a thread - 10 Honest Things About Myself. So, I thought....why not give it a try (it will keep my mind busy and could be fun)! I am not going to include the obvious things about myself.....like what is in this blog, but instead think of random things that may not be as obvious. I thought I would share some funny random items, and a few "real" items. So, here it goes!!















10. I love mugs! Yes, some that know me pretty well already know this about myself....but I love mugs!!!! Sure, I do drink tea and coffee at times......but I do not even think that is entirely the reason why I love mugs!! :-) I just love mugs. I have quite a few mugs already, but Matt cuts me off from buying new ones!! Whenever I go to a coffee shop I will often check out their selection and seriously considering buying a new mug. :-) However, if anyone needs a gift idea (hint, hint.....).

9. I hide clutter!! Sure, you may come to my house and it seems "fairly" clutter-free (but I guess that depends on who you ask). However, if you were to open a closet door you would not be thinking the same thing. I will usually just throw a pile of "stuff" in a closet or drawer to hide it out of sight!! :-) So, moral of the story, don't open a closet or drawer in my house!!

8. If I were single I am afraid I would be the "crazy cat lady"!! Or just plain, crazy animal lady!! ha ha! Now, no, I really do not think I would. However, it would certainly be harder to "not" buy or keep that cute animal that I come into contact with often. But just when I think I would have a house full of animals......I then think of how disgusting that would be at the same time. :-)

7. I LOVE the color PINK!! Yes, I said it!!! It took me a long time to finally admit it. "My name is Amy, and I love the color pink." :-) For some reason I never wanted to seem that "girly".....not sure why??? However, finally a few years ago, after always saying my favorite color was purple (which I do still think is pretty), I admitted I have a love affair with the color pink!!! :-)

6. I adore tulips! Yes, I know, girls are suppose to be in love with roses, and don't get me wrong, I definitely like and accept roses at any time.......but I really like tulips. I get sooooo excited to see them begin to bloom in the Spring. When I worked at Ashland their campus would look beautiful in the Spring!! They had so many tulips. I wish tulips stayed in bloom all Summer long. Then when we lived in Seattle we were able to attend the annual Tulip Festival. It was completely amazing and I got a lot of great pictures (of course).

5. I am scared to be a parent! Yes, kids are definitely not a topic I really ever talk about with people (unless they ask). But I do desperately long to be a parent.......however, the older I get the more afraid I become to be parent, and just started recently admitting that to myself (the fear). Will I be a good Mom? Could I handle being a Mom?? How will I "mess up" my kid? Would I repeat some of those same behaviors I have observed in others that I have vowed NEVER to do to my child??? How can I shield my child from hurt and pain?? Those are just a few things that scare me. I have other fears...but they are more personal. Oh how I long to be a Mom........hopefully one day!

4. I love to be really silly! I love being comfortable enough with people, to be a little silly and crazy. Heck, who am I kidding.....I like being crazy and silly a lot!! I love laughter.......and giddiness....and joking......and yes at times.....being a little ditzy! :-) I just like to have fun.

3. I secretly wish I had "unique" style!! I don't mean I want to be goth or anything like that. But at times I wished I could dress "hippy'ish" or just have a fun and unique style. :-) Instead, I am just a boring "dresser"! Oh well, I suppose life could be worse!!

2. I really wish that I could somehow take pain (emotional and physical) away from people, especially people I care about. Yes, I know...this one is not a "fun" honest tidbit. But I sincerely wish I had some "power" that would allow me to take away pain from people. And yes, I do firmly believe that we learn and can get strength in the midst of pain............but I also wish I had the power to take that hurt away from people. I hate to see people hurting.

1. Okay.....and for the number 1 honest tidbit (no I did not save this really for #1....it just happens to be)......I LOVE Madonna!!! :-) I know many people are disgusted by Madonna, but I would absolutely LOVE to see her in concert. I love every single one of her songs. I think she is beautiful. I like that she is fine with being unique. I love how "buff" she is. Despite the controversy, I do think it is cool that she has adopted children. I like how she is a bit risque (or at least she use to be). I just love Madonna!! Okay, time for an 80's/90's dance party!

Community and Loving Others......

I read this quote today and thought I would share it. I hope you enjoy it too!

"Out Of a great need We are all holding hands And climbing. Not loving is a letting go. Listen, The terrain around here Is Far too Dangerous For That." ~Hafiz

Yep, that is right.....I am a quote girl! I love to read things that others have written that resonate with me. Maybe it is part of that need for "connection" that is innate within me. But anyway........

I thought this quote was pretty cool, as I love "community" (and that is what it reminded me of)! Sometimes I think I would really enjoy living in a commune-type living arrangement (an intentional community). Maybe I should have been a young adult in the 60's-70's!! I just really like the idea of people living together, or at least in close proximity and sharing many different things with one another. It could be small items like sharing living space, sharing food, items of necessity. Or it could go farther......raising your children together.....sharing those personal aspects of life.....always being in fellowship. I think it would be amazing to live in a community where people are authentic! Oh how I love authenticity. I also love learning how to work through difficult times (of course it is best when others are committed to the same thing). Obviously if you have a group of people coming together there are going to be conflicts, but how amazing would that be to be able to work and learn through difficulties and conflicts.....learning about each other and about oneself....constantly evolving into a "better" person. What an amazing challenge that could be and very rewarding!!! Perhaps this is a small reason why I enjoyed residence life. My commune idea is just residence life "upped" a few levels!! :-) I love community (and being around people all of the time)!!

But isn't it true that life is so much easier when we have others to walk through it with? I think this quote drives that home. We are all attempting to figure out the meaning of life....what we are to be doing....how we are to be living.....how to make the right choices. It can be overwhelming at times. But once we stop and realize that EVERYONE is going through the same exact thing (life and learning), then that is when we can realize that we can go through it together. Really go through it together.....helping one another out.....being authentic....being there for others.

And during life you are going to be hurt by others.......but don't give up on others. Don't stop loving.......because it is in the relationships that we truly learn and can continue through the "dangerous terrain" that is sometimes life.

What I am thankful for today.....

Today I am thankful for people that just have a genuinely "good" heart! Now, my husband would be making fun of me for saying that because it is obviously not really their heart, that pumps the blood I am referring to. But for the "majority" of the world, I think they would understand what I am saying (and not take it literally). :-)

I sometimes really appreciate the simple things. I think you can so quickly (well often) tell when someone is just legitimately a good person.......someone with a good heart. "My heart" feels happy when I come into contact with these people....even if it is just in a quick and casual conversation, in an advising appointment.....or you just overhear a conversation. I am thankful that our world has these kinds of people in it!

There are many other qualities that I appreciate in people. I appreciate those that are "real", those that are "open", and those that enjoy connecting. But today I was just reminded of how much I also appreciate a person that has a good heart.

Okay.....just a short and sweet post of thankfulness today!!

Saving a Life.......

This morning while reading The Lantern (OSU's student newspaper), I read an article about a guy that came to speak at OSU. His name is Frank Warren. I have never heard of him until last week's article in The Lantern. He has the following blog: http://postsecret.blogspot.com/. People send him their secrets - often on postcards, and he posts some to his blog. It is my understanding that it started as part of a suicide prevention effort. It is a fairly interesting and somewhat funny, but yet sad site. I think it is interesting what people consider secrets........but nonetheless, think it is great if this helps someone "let something go." So, while taking a look at the site, I came across this letter that totally touched my heart this morning (he created a peer-to-peer crisis center):

"I've been depressed for a while now, but talking to one person on HopeLine helped me get through the night. I owe my well being and my life to Jerry.

Jerry... if you get a chance to read this... please know that you have done more for me than you could possibly know.

Thank you for just listening and being a friend even though we have never met. Your compassion just saved my life.

I'm going to get help tomorrow.

Thank you Frank and PostSecret for leading me to 1-800-SUICIDE"

WOW, how this touched me this morning. I teared-up at my desk (thankfully no one was around). :-) But anyway........I commend every person that works on a suicide hotline, every counselor that has helped someone considering suicide, every "regular" person that has been there for a person and helped them to keep from completing suicide. I also want to commend and extend comfort to those that were unable to keep a loved one from completing this final act (it was not your fault............).

This letter also reminded me of how, one day soon.......I really need to volunteer for something like this. Suicide is such a topic that hits home and breaks my heart. If there is ever anything I could do to keep someone from stopping..........to do something to help take that pain away.......I totally would (well at least I hope I would/could). I wish more people would help and listen and be less judgmental.

I am not quite sure if I am ready yet (to volunteer at something so "real"), or perhaps I keep making excuses. Hell, I interceded and assisted suicidal students during my residence life days.........2 of of which were in the year following John's suicide, while I worked in Seattle. I certainly do not think I would freeze up, or not be able to stay strong in the midst of helping/listening (for some reason in the midst of chaos/crisis, I often can remain calm - yes shocker).........but I think I am more afraid of how much it would impact me afterward.......especially if I find out or someone would complete suicide that I was trying to help. But then I think, how selfish is that??? That I think "I" couldn't endure the heartache.......when these people are feeling something even more real and deeper than my darn empathetic heart is. I just need to get off my butt and do it. I have been saying it for 5 or more years that I want to "help" people in this way (volunteering).

So, anyway........I hope the above letter touches your heart too and reminds you how precious life is.....and how you never know how you "could be" showing someone compassion and care. It could be just what they need at that moment.

Aging......

Aging, such a strange, difficult and interesting process. Every day we are getting older....with every breath we take we are one step closer to death. Kinda of sad.....no, don't worry, I really do not think about that often. However, this weekend I really started to reflect on aging. Obviously I am getting older, and thus, everyone around me is also aging. People important to me are getting older. With the circle of life, we are born, we live life and then we die. When thinking of this.....one can realize how important it is to live life to the fullest!!!

This past weekend while visiting my Grandma in the Nursing Home, I was forced to see the mortality of each person. To see how with getting older, and possibly getting diseases it really takes a toll on your body. Some people are still able to get around in wheel chairs okay, while others have limited mobility, but with the help of others can get around. Then there are those that are confined to their beds. Over the last few years I have gotten a lot better at going into Nursing Homes. Until my Grandma was in one 2.5+ years ago.......going to a Nursing Home would be the last thing I would want to do. It made me sooooooo incredibly sad. I would usually cry as soon as I entered the front door....how embarrassing. I just felt so incredibly bad for the people in there. I still feel a bit sad when I go to a Nursing Home, and I definitely shed some tears on Saturday, but I have gotten a bit better.

So anyway, after visiting with my Grandma for a few moments on Saturday, I walked around with some family members to visit a few other people we knew in the Nursing Home. Ironically, my Great Grandma's brother-in-law is right across the hall from her. I had not seen him for quite a while. He is now 92, but has endured some strokes which leaves him not able to talk that much, and he is pretty much confined to his bed. I remember him having such an ornery personality, but not as much anymore. I also visited with a guy that use to live in Zanesfield. Even my Mom and her siblings grew up with him (they grew up in the same town - this guy has lived there for a long time). But anyway, he is a sweetie and a little jokster. He has throat cancer, and the lump in his neck/throat is causing him a lot of pain. He was apologizing to us for it effecting his speech. I just felt so bad for him. Yet again.......forced to see the effects of aging.

So, then what really "brought it home"......... I was talking to a guy that grew up with my stepdad, they were really good friends. John would be 50 next month. As I was looking at this guy, I was noticing his wrinkles......thinking.......John will never experience those wrinkles. John will never experience the impact of aging. It kinda made me sad. Not sure why.........but I felt it inside. I realize something must have been so bad that he felt the only way for the pain to end would be to take his life. So, even though I think seeing the signs of aging can be sad at times.........it also made me sad that John will not experience the effects of aging. This could apply to anyone that died at any earlier age, but he is usually the one I think of and who I grew-up with.

So anyway.....tis the circle of life. Aging is just a part of life....for better or worse, it is a part of life - a natural process. We just need to make certain to spend time NOW with those that are important to us!! Life is short!!

The Kind Life & Alicia Silverstone

I have been a vegetarian off and on ever since high school.....so for a while. I would certainly go through spurts where I might have meat if I really crave it. But honestly, I have never been a big fan of meat, and I would often think of the animals....and in high school....it also had to do with having unhealthy eating habits (i.e. disordered eating). But anyway....then after I got married and had my first job as a RD at Ashland, I began reading about vegetarian eating...clean eating....vegan eating.....and with the help of a wonderful RA found some really great resources that started me on my journey.

I think I experimented with vegan eating.....oh....back in 2002 for the first time. I would do this off and on....go dairy & meat free for 3 months or so...then have dairy again. And of course, over the last 7-8 years would have meat off and on. Again, typically only if I really craved it, and really was only in the Summer I may crave a braut (yes, real healthy meat), or I like lamb if I would go out to eat with my husband's Greek family.

I haven't had meat in well over a year and honestly, never plan to have it....even if I crave it. I have been reading more and more about the treatment of factory farmed animals....and it is just deplorable. I passed a semi-truck carrying a trailer full of cows a few weeks ago and started bawling. Yes, I know.....I may be feeling the empathy a bit too much.....but I can't help it. It is who I am. I could never imagine intentionally causing harm to a living creature. I am not able to read too many books or stories about factory farming, or testing on animals, or slaughterhouses because I know it would depress me for a long time. However, I have read enough to know, that they are treated horribly. Sure, there are some small local farms that give their animals good lives until they are slaughtered, but for the vast majority of animals....they are confined in a small stall, to stand and lay in their own feces....not given any open pastures to walk around in.....and chickens are in small cages...with their beaks often removed...or if they are still intact....they will be pecking at their neighbor because they are so confined. And of course....we have the way people treat them as they are hanging to be slaughtered. Believe me...that is just the tip of the ice berg.

So.....needless to say......I really try to minimize animal cruelty (including buying cruelty free cleaning products, make-up and clothes). Now, I am by no means perfect...as I have not fully given up dairy. But when I do purchase dairy, I typically buy from local dairy farms where I can research and know how they treat their animals. I also only buy "Certified Humane" eggs. But.....when we go out to eat.....that is not the case, of course. I do not know where their dairy comes from (unless it is NorthStar :-)). I really do hope to be vegan again.....one day soon. Which leads me to the main reason for blogging during my lunch hour today......

I bought Alicia Silverstone's "The Kind Diet" last night at Borders. I read about its release last Fall...and added myself to the wait list at our local library. However, somehow (of course), I missed the email notifying me it was in. So.......instead of waiting forever again, I decided to use my 30% off coupon and buy it. She has been vegan for over 10 years and has really lead the march in animal cruelty, living green etc. So far I have enjoyed this book.

Last night, while reading the book, I really got a first-hand look into Alicia's heart. I really am not one to follow celebrities that much......but I was honestly very "wowed" while reading her journey last night. I actually felt that we deeply shared our love for animals. Considering how much I care for animals.....I am by far a minority with anyone I know. Again, I cried while passing a truck full of cows a few weeks ago.....and cry if I hear about an animal dying...... So, anyway, it was really awesome to see her deep love for animals (I could relate...and I LOVE relating). WAY TO GO ALICIA!!!!

Beyond animal cruelty, factory farming is very draining on natural resources and creates a lot of pollution. I highly encourage people to read about this.....as it does go beyond not eating meat because you are killing animals.

Why do I do it....for three reasons....... #1 the animals, #2 my health, #3 the earth!! I am happy and confident with my choices, but I am also not one to push my beliefs on others. Now, I will talk and share if provoked.......but you don't have to worry about my pushing my convictions on you for eating that hamburger. :-)

So, anyway.....I thought I would link to Alicia's website regarding her book. It has some great information, forum discussions, recipes, etc.: http://www.thekindlife.com/

Oh.....and her book has some amazing recipes. :-) Speaking of recipes....a few of my other favorite cookbooks that I use weekly are: all 3 Vegan cookbooks by Sarah Kramer (highly recommend), and the Simply in Season book is pretty good for simple and healthy recipes. And vegweb.com has AMAZING recipes!

Okay.......off my soapbox now!! :-)

Sit Long, Talk Much, Laugh Often

Okay, so I know the picture above is not the best quality....as I took it with my cell phone. But it says, "Sit Long, Talk Much, Laugh Often." I absolutely loved this sign. It was of course, at a wonderful coffee shop - one of my most favorite places to be!! I thought that this really summed up my motto in life (well kind of). :-) As stated many times throughout this blog over the last 3 months, I love to connect with people....and I think this sign says it all. In my opinion, there is nothing better than being able to sit (in a coffee shop is great), talk a lot (and share what is on your heart), and of course.......there should be laughing at some point!!! I find such joy in listening to and sharing with others. So anyway......if someone happens to see this sign some place for sale (preferably a smaller version), please let me know!!! :-)

Pictures......

I honestly think that whomever invented the camera is one of the smartest people to ever live! I have always loved photographs. I got my first camera when I was 6...turning 7. I still have the first pictures I took on our trip to Marietta. This was before my parents divorced, and probably the last trip we took as a family. We had a boat and took it down around Marietta on a river. I do remember going through the locks on the river...thinking that it was pretty neat. However, I also have the photos to prove it. :-) It is a bit strange because for some reason I do not remember much before my parents divorced (I was almost 8), but I feel like when I look at old pictures they do help to "jog" my memory. Of course, these pictures from the trip to Marietta certainly do. But I have also looked at my Mom's old albums to help me remember things like.....a parade that I was in when I was 3'ish. I was in a little wagon pulled by goats, and my hair was in blond pigtails. My mom also has a picture of me with a kitty on our deck, and I guess I named it Miss Kitty. The pictures also remind me of birthday's through the age of 7. I am thankful that my Mom kept albums of us.

So anyway, I started appreciating pictures at a young age. I have quite a few photo albums of my own from that age of 6/7 through high school. Then when college began I started accumulating 1-2 per year!!! :-) Ironically, I haven't printed any pictures or made a scrapbook since 2004/2005 when we lived in Seattle (I keep saying I am going to start again). However, I certainly have not stopped taking pictures.......they take up a lot of space on our computers (or so my husband reminds me often :-)).

In college I took a photography class that I absolutely loved. That was the point when I started to appreciate pictures for more than just remembering occasions, but also to appreciate the beauty around you. I know from time to time I try to capture the beauty around me in a picture, but the picture never quite comes out as good as what you see.......

I am so thankful to have pictures. Being a very practical person, I feel that in a way they are your memory (I know they have been mine). A glimpse of the present and past that can bring one comfort, joy, thankfulness........ It helps me not forget someone, or maybe it is better said, it helps me not to forget exactly what someone looks like. And not forget about those amazing times together....... I have been known to carry my camera with me, just in case there will be something I need to photograph. However, I most always take it to social gatherings, especially celebrations. I love to capture the happiness of people in the moment......and just see people smiling at the camera for those posed shots. I love to photograph people that are important to me, or times that are important.

I have learned the preciousness of human life, and how you do not know what tomorrow may hold. Through these pictures I will be able to remember exactly what someone looks like and remember the good times we had together. The pictures will always be there, and if at any point I think I am beginning to forget the good times.....or what they were wearing on that special occasion......their eye color......the contour of their smile....all I have to do is bring out that picture to bring back those detailed memories. Pictures - one of life's greatest gifts!!!!

People are like stained glass windows.....

I am feeling a bit reflective tonight. Maybe it is because I am stuck inside because of the nasty weather??? :-) But anyway, one of my favorite quotes is the following:

"People are like stained glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in, their true beauty is revealed only if there is light from within." -Elizabeth Kubler-Ross

I actually first read this quote a couple of years ago. It completely resonated with me as soon as I read it - I loved it!! It gave me goose bumps!! First, I completely liked the mental picture of people being like stained glass windows. I think that stained glass windows are beautiful.....and I think people are beautiful. :-) But I also think that our lives are like a stained glass windows, in that our lives are full of color and variety. Each person is special and we have had a myriad of experiences that make us unique. We are all made up of many complexities, they can be good and bad - but nonetheless "are". I think that these complexities and unique experiences are part of the "color" of our lives (the stained glass window). All of our strengths, our weaknesses, our happy times, our struggles.......they all represent different colors and are parts of who we are. We would not be "beautiful" without these. We need to embrace all that we are, and remind ourselves that we are beautiful and unique just the way we are. Of course.....we always (well at least I do) strive to improve upon our struggles or weaknesses, but I also think there is beauty in recognizing them and being "real" about them. Being "real" about WHO we REALLY are!!!

Which kind of leads into the second aspect of the quote. Of course, each one of us are beautiful....and our beauty is in our colorfulness or uniqueness (in my opinion). We often do sparkle when the good things about us are showing....when we are able to keep that smile on our face.....and continue to be a nice person......but as we all know, we cannot sparkle all of the time. There is going to be darkness, whether that be that others recognize an obvious weakness or struggle within us, or it could be something darker..... But I think that in recognizing, and of course, being authentic in the midst of that "darker" time, that is when we are really able to show our true beauty. The true beauty (part of the color) can be noticed when people are "real", when we show we have weaknesses, and when we show that we are not afraid to talk about them (part of the light from within). Or perhaps the true beauty is recognizable because we allow others to see us struggle with something, but they also see us learn in the midst of this struggle.......and in that journey the beauty is apparent. Or perhaps the beauty is noticeable once that person has come through that darkness............. Whew!! I get so excited about learning, growing, and becoming more self aware!! :-)

Even though I do think that people are like stained glass windows.....I wonder what that stained glass window looks like? Is it a stained glass window that is in progress....so maybe there are a few areas on that window that have not been painted....but will be at some point during this life journey?? Or is it a stained glass window that is completely painted......but through this life....some parts will turn into different colors as we evolve and change???? Regardless, what a beautiful thought!!!!

I hope that this particular blog makes sense. :-) It often makes sense in my head as I reflect......but I struggle to put it into words. I think that I am sometimes better as I reflect with others....and verbally discuss a topic (sorry about the grammatical errors in this one too!!!!).

Need to change....

So, I have kept from openly blogging about this for a week, just to get absolute results....but they have officially determined that my great grandma has bone cancer. She is the only great-grandparent that I have living. Yes, I am very fortunate to have met all but 2 of my great-grandparents in my life. I guess that is what happens when both of your parents are the oldest and I am also the oldest. But nonetheless, am thankful. We got the news last week that they thought it was cancer, but wanted to do more testing. So, yet again I am left feeling so many emotions. I feel sad for my grandma, and the fact that she has to deal with this (she is currently in a lot of pain).....but feel anger because of how much cancer impacts our lives. And at the same time, I feel happy that she has lived a long life.....she is 88!! What an amazing feat in itself!!

It was only 4.5 years ago that she had to watch her son (my grandpa) battle and die of cancer....and now to be faced with the same disease. Life just isn't fair. Thankfully, she has three amazing daughters that have been there with her at the Nursing Home over the past week (she has lived on her own up until this past week). I am also thankful that I was able to visit her this past weekend. Below are a couple of pictures from this past weekend.

A picture of the twins with their great-great grandma!!

My brother, Shane and I with grandma.

After talking with my mom this past weekend, I also found out that 2 other family members have had cancer. That really got me thinking, hmmmm............my brother had testicular cancer, my grandpa died of cancer, my great-grandma currently has bone cancer, my other great-grandma did have breast cancer (but thankfully did not die from this), and then 2 other family members had cancer (a great aunt, and a great-great aunt). That is six relatives right there.....maybe I need to be doing something to be as proactive as possible about my own health. Granted, I feel I eat fairly healthy (eat mostly preservative/additive free, and do not eat meat) and I do exercise.....but I have decided to try to do more research on this topic....and determine what foods are better for you to eat, and what foods are good to avoid. Obviously, I realize this is not the only reason a person gets cancer.....but I feel like it is my responsibility to be as "responsible" as I can for my own health. I will keep you updated on what I find.

And thank you for your good thoughts....as our family will need them over the next few months....

Reflection of 2009.........

Happy New Year!! It is hard to believe it is 2010. I thought to honor the New Year....I would reflect on this past year.........

One of the things that I am most proud of is that I completed jogging in a half-marathon!!! :-) I hope to do another one this upcoming May. I have wanted to do this for at least 5-6 years.....and with the encouragement of a great friend decided to go for it. I began training with a group every Saturday morning called MIT (Marathoners In Training). It was a great way to get me started and know I could do it. After I worked up to running a 7-mile long run, I had a couple of friends tell me about the Jeff Galloway Approach.....and it is amazing and worked very well for me!! He highly recommends walking breaks at certain intervals, as it can make you faster and assist with recovery. I must say it definitely helped me. I would run for 4 minutes then walk for 1 minute and repeat that throughout my long runs on Saturday's. I also did this for the entire 13.1 miles for the Cap City Half-Marathon!! I noticed that my times did improve with this approach, and I was rarely sore the next day after a long run. Even after I completed the half-marathon (I was really sore that Saturday afternoon/evening), but the next day I felt great. I also ran, well, really jogged in a couple of other races this past year including, The Race For the Cure, The Columbus Crew 5K, and The Flying Feather 4-miler on Thanksgiving. I am thankful that I am able to get out and jog....and hope to continue to improve. Thank you Jennie for being such an encouragement and running partner!!!

I have been teaching online at Franklin University for a year and a half, but this past August I also decided to try teaching a few face-to-face (onsite) classes. I really enjoyed this. I wasn't quite sure how it would work for me as Franklin University is mostly comprised of adult learners....and online they do not know your age. However, seeing me in a face-to-face classroom, I wondered how it would work considering I would be younger than the majority of my students. But I really enjoyed it and it actually went well. I am teaching another face-to-face this Winter Trimester and an online class. I am thankful that I am able to stay connected to Franklin and work with these students! I just do this as an "extra", but great part-time job!!!

Matt and I celebrated our 8th wedding anniversary on May 26th......but have been together for almost 12 years now. How time flies! It is at times like this when I think of how long we have been married......that I start to feel old. :-) We took a week off from work this Summer and traveled to one of our favorite cottages in Berlin, Ohio. It was pretty relaxing considering how busy our Summer was. I really hope that we can make it back to Seattle, Washington again this upcoming Summer....but we shall see. I also really want to visit New England too.......hmmmmmmm

I was also in Matt's sister's (Beth) wedding this past Summer (well we both were). She and her husband live in Texas. But it was a very nice wedding in the Park of Roses. We also enjoyed a yummy wedding rehearsal dinner at The Happy Greek. Then Beth and Eric went off to GREECE for their honeymoon - so jealous!! Matt's dad's family is from Greece. They were able to visit their family on the island of Poros and travel to other parts of Greece. I would love to think one day we will make it there. Oh to dream...........

My brother's twins turned FIVE this past September!! I cannot believe these little cuties are 5 years old!!! I had a great time at their birthday party. It is great to see them growing up and developing their own little personalities. Miss Emmi is a little sassy girl......but so much fun. Jay is a sweetheart......and is about a foot taller than Emmi!!! I love them so much!!

It was also nice to see my Grandma Dowell making improvements at the end of this year. The last few weeks of 2009 were amazing with her.....watching her talk more.....and be able to stand with just a little help from my Grandpa. She is such an amazing person and my hero!!!! I love her!!

I am also happy to say that my brother is still cancer-free!!!!! I am always so thankful after he gets a clean bill of health after each of his check-ups......I sincerely hope they continue to be free of cancer. I love you Shane!!!

I love my job advising students at OSU, and I am thankful for the new friends I have made while working at OSU. I look forward to seeing each of those friendships flourish. I am thankful for the diversity that OSU possesses!!!

I am also thankful for all that I learn from others, from reflection and reading difference sources. I love to see how my thoughts and views have changed over the years, especially this past year. I am very passionate about equality for all people....and I like to see how this is something that I have become more aware of and more empathetic too. Columbus is such an amazing city to live in.....it is pretty diverse and there are so many different events and ways to get involved. I am thankful to have my eyes and heart opened to things I may never have experienced had I chosen a different path. I am sure a blog will come soon explaining in more detail what I mean. :-)

As usual, I am so thankful for my friends and family. I feel like 2009 was a busy year and a year that I was able to spend a lot of time with friends and family. As stated before in a previous blog....I am thankful that as we get older my siblings and I get closer. This makes me happy. :-) I am thankful for the time that I was able to spend with my parents (including step parents), grandparents, siblings (and their families), extended family and all of my amazing friends!! I love all of you!

Happy 2010!! May this year be an amazing year for all!!!