Secrets........

I know I have blogged about this before, but every week the PostSecret website posts new "secrets" others have submitted via postcards.  I love reading these as I find them interesting, sad, sometimes funny......and often there are few (or sometimes many) that touch my heart.  I like the idea of this site for those that feel they cannot share their "secrets" with others, but at the same time it makes me sad that they may not have anyone to share these "secrets" with.  I don't like how as a society we can seem so closed-minded and judgmental that people, our friends cannot come to us with problems they may have.  But anyway.......I shall not digress on this rant.  Instead, I want to share a few "secrets" that I found tonight in an archive that impacted me....

So, this first one I completely loved as I truly believe that is true about many people.  For some reason I have thought this since well before college.  I think it is one of the reasons I love people and getting to know them.  There are some people that come into your life that you know have more depth or really just need someone to care about them and allow them to talk and share. 

Hell.................if I am completely honest with myself.......I have felt this way often lately.....for one of the first times in my life.........(have felt the above postcard) 

I liked this one as I am sure that many can relate.......  Sometimes there can be soooo many hard and difficult things that take place in our lives......that we just want the pain to stop.  We just want to feel numb, WE are tired of the pain........and yes I say WE.  So.......my encouragement and reminder to myself is to be there for your friends and for even random people that come into your life....

Yes, I know this one is a bit graphic.  But nonetheless, one that touched me.  Suicide still pains my heart so deeply.  Not even just because I have dealt with losing someone to suicide firsthand, but just because I HATE to see people hurt.  The above secret is one of the BIG reasons I WILL NEVER EVER own a gun.  I do not judge those that do own guns, but personally, I will never ever allow a gun in my house.  Granted, they also just plain scare me too........but the above secret is another reason why....

I absolutely loved this secret!!  I love to see happy and confident people....I mean not someone that is overly confident, but someone that has a genuine heart and believes in themselves!!!  I hope that the person that submitted this secret does change the world!!  Although, I am already 100% confident they have changed the world for someone in his/her life!!!  <3

I just loved this one......it made me happy and sad at the same time.  I love hugs and think they are so very powerful.  I know often within family settings it is just expected.  However, I typically do not hug someone unless I really mean it as I think a HUG is something very powerful.  It is a sign (for me) that I truly care about that person.  I also love hugs because they make me feel happy and important....even if the person doesn't view them as quite as big of a deal as me.  ;-)  But yes, often....I agree....there are sometimes those hugs from important people.......and I just don't want to be let go......

I could upload soooo many secrets that are amazing, but I also liked this one......and I couldn't agree more or have said it better.  YOU truly never know how often your kindness can impact someones life.  Granted, I have never been suicidal, but I know how much some peoples kindness and listening ear have made me feel soooooooo much better.  To know that people care is one of the best things in this world. 

So, again, I say this as a word of encouragement and a reminder for myself........love and care about others and DON'T BE AFRAID TO SHOW IT (in whatever way that may be)!!!

Empathy......People Pleasing.......blogging some frustrations.....

So, I have often had this love-hate relationship with this "empathy" ability that I possess.  At times I am thankful, in hopes I can listen and comfort those in need.  However, other times it is soooooooooo hard because I allow others to impact me way too much.  Though, maybe that really isn't what is suppose to happen with empathy, maybe I just don't know how to control this emotion/ability (if that is what you would call it).

I was trying to search for some quotes that helped evoke some emotion and or thought to explain what I am thinking/feeling........here is one:

"Tenderness and kindness are not signs of weakness and despair, but manifestations of strength and resolution." ~Kahlil Gibran

Unfortunately........I don't always feel this way (i.e. weakness).  Sure, sometimes I am thankful in that I hope to be able to show some people.....maybe even those that others do not show that kindness to (i.e. others don't think these people deserve comfort), because I am able to "feel" the emotions that they are feeling.  I often find it a bit "freakish" that I am able to take on their emotions even if I haven't experienced their particular situation.  Sure, it can be exhausting at times, but again, I love to help people and if me being able to somewhat "feel" what they are feeling......I hope that I can provide comfort.

But on the flip-side, there are times I hate feeling and worrying about others.  I hate when I can witness that some people are not happy......because then it can ruin how I feel.  Perhaps what I am saying is a bit different than empathy.  But I do not like to see someone upset.....even if it has nothing to do with me.  I guess perhaps it comes back to this entire people-pleasing aspect of myself that I sooooooooo wish I could get rid of.  So often, if someone is trying to be hurtful........I just want to be able to say "who cares"........I will not allow their unhappiness to impact me (especially if it is not my fault), but I am not able to do this.  So, I somewhat think this is partially my empathy because I know that someone is upset........and I cannot fix it.  ughhhhh  Please let me preface, when talking about this paragraph, I am talking about someone that may be unhappy for no reason.....someone I am close to, that perhaps may just want my attention.  Of course, for the most part I am always here to help others.....but I have come to notice, that (maybe subconsciously) people know I am impacted by the way they are feeling so they use this to their advantage......to get my attention.....(or at least this is how I feel).

So, of course, one other quote:

"When you listen with empathy to another person, you give that person psychological air."  ~Stephen R. Covey

This particular quote shows who I do like (well most of the time) to use my empathetic ability.  I like to be there, to listen and to help others........  It is nice to listen to someone in times of need.......and I hope that my tenderness and kindness (as listed in the quote above) is a comfort to them during whatever they are experiencing......

I just need to learn how to listen and empathize, but not worry about taking on others emotions to the detriment of myself.......and I need to learn to not always worry about damn people-pleasing.........

Phewwwww......okay, feel a tiny bit better getting that out.  ;-) 

A Quote For Today!

Sooooo.....it has been a long time since I have last blogged.......I haven't had much I have felt like sharing lately.....for better or worse.

So, tonight I felt like finding a quote that touched me.........after searching, here is a simple one I found:

"To live is like to love--all reason is against it, and all healthy instinct for it." ~Samuel Butler

I really liked this one! Isn't it the truth.......when I think of love......to love anyone means that you must make yourself vulnerable.....allow for rejection, hurt, rough times.....so many reasons to hold a distance....or abstain (but yet loving others is soooo completely worth it). And as people (or at least for myself), we (I) truly care about people and enjoy learning to love others for so many different reasons, despite the possibility of hurt. I can think of many different people in my life and why I love them, I love them for many different reasons. I love them for "who" they are. I appreciate genuineness and uniqueness in people......people who are honest and love life. Now, even though as of recent I have been a bit more "guarded" as a person, this has not taken away my love for others.....nor has it kept me from learning to love and continuing to love people.

Now on the other side......life is kinda like that too. I think that it can be sooooo hard. There are so many bad things going on around us....so many suffering......so much pain, it can make one question....what is the point?? But clearly our bodies know to continue to live.......we breathe without even realizing it. The majority of us continue on, even in the midst of difficulties. I love nothing more than to see those strong people that have come through so much adversity and still keep plugging on through life.....sharing with others....educating and helping others with their wise perspective.

To which leads me to another quote I read this evening that goes along with the above thought.... "The more difficulties one has to encounter, within and without, the more significant and the higher in inspiration his life will be." ~Horace Bushnell

The thought of this just makes me smile. I am thankful that every once in a while I am fortunate enough to meet someone like this. Life......such a long and hard road......but one with sooooo many rewards. ;-)

One Day at a Time!

Life is so interesting. Truly, it is! I am definitely a person that looks for meaning in so many aspects of life....always trying to learn and grow. Of course, at times that may not always be for the best....but that is who I am.

I look back through my 31+ years on this earth and see many peaks and valleys, but I do think that I have learned during both times. I always hope that some day I can help people either through things I have been through......or by my listening ear. If I had to name one thing I want to do with my life (apart from being a good wife, mother (one day), and friend), it would be to help people.

But as I sit here writing this right now, I look back over the last 10'ish months....and I feel like I have not been able to do this as much as I have wanted. I have obviously blogged recently about being depleted of energy.....depleted of being able to succeed at my life's ambition. I have felt selfish over this period, especially over the last 5 or so months because I do not feel like I have been able to be as good of a friend as I would like. Sure, my friends may not know this.....because whenever I am with them I try to give them 100% of my attention, time and a listening ear. BUT, I have found it hard, at times......to be able to gain energy to sometimes give my friends that quality time they deserve. I have struggled with this, and feeling so selfish.

However, thankfully, I think that I am slowly regaining the energy I need. I have been searching for a way to feel myself again....a way to put my "needs" on the back burner.... Honestly, I think that is part of it. I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE to spend time with people, listen to where they are at right now, listen to joys & sorrows.......but for some reason have found it more difficult for "me" to share. Sure, I always have something to say, but to really be vulnerable is a big struggle for me. I am okay with this, but I know that not being able to release some of "what I am feeling inside" has caused this depletion of energy.....and spilled over to me not being able to give us much as I want.

But I can happily, and with a little bit of energy say........I think I am learning how to process more internally rather than needing to process externally. Which is GOOD.....considering I have not been able to really process externally about my feelings lately anyway. Thus.......this is GOOD.....so that I have more energy for others.....GENUINE energy.....rather than just going through the motions.....HORRAY! (hence the title - one day at a time).

I know this may seem trivial to anyone reading it......but to me it is such an amazing feat. Truly "feeling" like myself has been a bit of a struggle over the last year. I am definitely able to operate fine and normal around everyone.....but by the end of the day......I would/have been sooooooo exhausted from putting forth the energy to be that "typical Amy that everyone expects"........ Thus, I really hope I am on an uphill swing.......about to reach one of those peaks in my life. ;-)


A few positive things to focus on...........1. OSU football season starts next week - horray (and looking forward to attending Laura & Jesse's OSU party Thursday)!!! 2. I am getting a MASSAGE next week - double horray!! 3. I start back at OSU next week, and I love my office and the students I work with 4. The twins started kindergarten this week - yippee!! 5. Matt's Summer tennis league has made it to play-offs.....with him playing the #1 spot 6. I have had a great Summer, being out in the sun, vacationing with friends & hubby, and just being able to spend time with friends in all my spare time, 7. Looking forward to this Saturday as I get to spend time with my sister and friends!!! ;-)

Finally......tonight.....I am thinking of the looming date of tomorrow......the anniversary of John's suicide. Often when I think of it and the way he died.....I get sick to my stomach.....still 6 years later. However, the only thing that gives me comfort is that he is at peace now! I know I started the month of August......wanting to be positive and not think of it as a month of death....but I did lose 2 more family members this month. What a difficult month August is....but thankfully it is almost over. ;-)

I will end with a photo from Postscript this last weekend that brought tears of joy to my face (love this site)!

Having a Quiet Mind....

So, I am still reading, "Eat, Pray, Love"....don't worry, I am finally on the final section (just started today)...but throughout the India portion what really stuck out to me was the thought of having a quiet mind and being able to control your thoughts. Now during this portion she travels to India and works with a Guru on meditation, etc. And during this section she finds her god, but for me, I took away from it some aspects that echoed to me and they are as follows.....

A portion of the book says, " But I don't (have a quiet mind), nor does Sean. Many of us don't. Many of us look into the fire and see only inferno. I need to actively learn how to do what Sean's father, it seems, was born knowing how to............Instead of being amused, though, I'm only anxious. Instead of watching, I'm always probing and interfering. The other day in prayer I said to God, 'Look-I understand that an unexamined life is not worth living, but do you think I could someday have an unexamined lunch?'"

Oh boy did this stand out to me......my mind is constantly stirring...constantly thinking....constantly feeling..... Sometimes I just wish my mind could be at rest and RELAX. I don't want to think about what I need to do 2 hours from now.....or worry about crazy things in the future. I truly wish I could have a quiet mind...... Oh how refreshing that would be....

Another portion of the book talks about controlling your thoughts, very similar to what was being discussed above. The book says as follows, "On first glance, this seems a nearly impossible task. Control your thoughts? Instead of the other way around? But imagine if you could? This is not about repression or denial. Repression and denial set up an elaborate game to pretend that negative thoughts and feelings are not occurring. What Richard is talking about instead is admitting to the existence of negative thoughts, understanding where they came from and why they arrived and then--with great forgiveness and fortitude--dismissing them. "

Coming from a person that struggles with anxiety.....this seems like pure *heaven* and bliss!! Oh how much easier life could be for me if I could have a quiet mind and control my thoughts. But oh no.....my thoughts constantly control me....and MY emotions!! Ughhh....an uphill battle....

I don't have anything profound to add.....just wanted to share a little portion of this section of the book...the India section.

But I do completely resonate with her sentence.....'Look-I understand that an unexamined life is not worth living, but do you think I could someday have an unexamined lunch?' I would love to have one day where I could entirely relax......and not be constantly thinking and analyzing....and feeling....so deeply. ;-)

Happy Day!!

Okay, so I just wanted to write a quick post to say how thankful I am for my day today!!! ;-)

I did a little reading of Eat, Pray, Love this morning.....then rode my bike to campus to have lunch with a couple of different friends....then went to set-up my office in preparation for the Autumn. I enjoyed my time with people today!! Horray! I am eager to start back up at OSU after 2 months off (well, 2 months on September 1st). I then rode my bike home...relaxed a few minutes and then Matt and I went to the pool. It has just been a lovely day.

The only bad thing is that it is not even 9:00 p.m. and I am dead!! hee hee!! ;-)

I am so thankful for people and the smiles they bring to my face. Oh, how I couldn't imagine going through this life without having amazing people by my side.

Learning.....

This afternoon I began to read, "Eat, Pray, Love." I was debating about whether I wanted to read the book....or just wait and watch the movie next week. I belabored over this for two reasons.

1. I don't like to read
2. I am much more of a practical person.....so would prefer to watch it on TV

So, far I have made it through Italy and am about to start reading about her journey through India....and I am really enjoying it. I have to keep taking breaks......as I really am not a reader and don't enjoy it. However, I certainly do appreciate the way this author writes. She does a VERY good job a describing her feelings/emotions.....that leave me jealous. This past weekend, my friend Michele finally convinced me to read the book...... I love you Michele (she knew I would enjoy it)!! ;-)

Of course, for anyone that knows me....they know I am a pretty emotional person and I wear my heart on my sleeve. You pretty much know how I am feeling at any given time (which can be good and bad). However, after finding much appreciation for my blog this Summer, I became a bit jealous that she is able to express her emotions and what she is feeling sooooo clearly on paper. Sometimes I think.......boy, I bet I would feel better if I could be more articulate with my emotions, whether that be in writing or even in speaking with people. Poor Matt.....I often cannot explain why I feel a way I do......I just do.

There was one part of the book that really resonated with me, as I have been battling with myself about my people-pleasing personality. This is something I would like to change to a degree.....because well, it can be exhausting. However, she writes the following (she is speaking of boyfriends, but this could apply for me to many relationships because I care so much about those important to me)..... ".........But I disappear into the person I love. I am the permeable membrane. If I love you, you can have everything. You can have my time, my devotion, my ass, my money, my family, my dog, my dog's money, my dog's time----everything. If I love you, I will carry for you all of your pain, I will assume for you all your debts, I will protect you from your own insecurity, I will project upon you all sorts of good qualities that you have never actually cultivated in yourself and I will buy Christmas presents for your entire family. I will give you the sun and the rain, and if they are not available, I will give you a sun check and a rain check. I will give you this and more, until I get so exhausted and depleted that the only way I can recover my energy is by becoming infatuated with someone else."

Now, I of course, would not say I am quite that extreme.....but that pretty closely depicts me. And also, let me clarify......I haven't figured out how to recover my energy....but thankfully it is not by becoming infatuated with someone else.....thankfully. ;-) However, my point being.....I have appreciated her writing....it is so raw and vivid. So whereas I do not like reading.....I have enjoyed this book so far. Initially I thought I wanted to go to the movies with a group of girls to watch it. However, I have started to tear-up while reading the book on a few different occasions during her traveling in Italy....that I am afraid I may bawl during a lot of the movie when I see it in person (because again, watching it makes me feel even more "in the midst.") Thus...I may need to go by myself...

Great book so far.....but again....it leads me on my journey of learning how to not be such a people-pleaser......and learn how to say no. Learn how to be a bit more selfish at times...... Learn how to make myself happy.... Now of course, I would NEVER hurt someone in the process. But this really has been an internal struggle for me since recognizing it 7-8 months ago.....

But darn it.....this is something I have to figure out.....something I have to change. No one is requiring me to take on their burdens.....like I so often, empathetically and naturally do. ;-) Sure, they may need me to listen (which I love to)......but I need to learn how to not let my emotions become consumed in their emotions.....

I am certainly not a doormat....and if someone makes me mad, I have no problem standing up for myself. But for those I truly care about.....I sometimes have a hard time saying no....even if it is something I do not want to do....

Thus.............my current state of exhaustion and depletion............

Oh, life is such a journey!!! ;-) Okay....back to the book.....a third done and plan to finish it today!

The Dreaded Month of August....or Maybe Not

Well, the dreaded month of August is here! Now, don't get me wrong there are a lot of great things about August......birthday's of some WONDERFUL people....it is warm......etc. However, for a couple of years I really hated the month of August. August is the month in which I lost John in 2004 and then my Grandpa in 2005 (not to mention, a Great Grandpa in 2004 too). I often find it hard to think about August without feeling a sense of sadness and angst....

However, I brought August in this year eating a homemade brownie sundae, enjoying some wine, and great conversation with my good friend Michele (until 1 a.m.). ;-) I can't think of a better way to bring in the month - horray! That was preceded by a great evening with Gen and Michele. Oh how thankful I am for friends. Thank you to both of you for a fun evening last night!

So, instead of feeling sad about the month of August, I am going to celebrate their lives....the lives they lived if only for a short time. I don't want to focus on the pain they felt at the end of their lives but instead the happy moments I shared with them. I really want to keep that in perspective.

Soooo........here is to a happy month of August.....may it go out as happy as it came in for me! ;-)

Shrinking.......

I saw this quote today.........

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? ... Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do... It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”----from A Return to Love, by Marianne Williamson

Yes, I know, my blogs have not necessarily been the most uplifting as of lately. But as I said yesterday, this is my ONE place where I feel I can be honest.....and I think it is because I know hardly anyone reads it.........

But I came across this quote today when reading quotes on facebook. First of all, I L-O-V-E quotes. Geesh....I find meaning in so many different quotes.....but this one spoke to me today. I have had a VERY strange day......and will just leave it at that. Thus, this spoke to me....

I WISH that "I felt" (what the quote states above)....."Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure." Oh gosh......how I want to feel powerful....or maybe I should say strong. I want to feel strong...... Why am I allowing myself to let certain life circumstances take this away from me? Why am I allowing others or situations to make me "not" feel powerful and strong? Why am I so impacted by what is going on around me. Not to sound selfish.....but why can't I just focus on ME!!!!!!?????

I also liked this part of the quote, "Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you." I use to feel pretty secure about who I am......not allowing others or situations to impact me....but as of lately (I am about to be very vulnerable), I have felt very insecure. Granted, I am insecure physically by the weight I have gained over the last few years.....but it is WAAAAAAY more than that. I can get beyond that at times, but lately, I have felt a bit "shrunk back" by even who I am. Some of this is from my own self reflection......and some from allowing others to let me feel this way. No, none of my friends are doing this to me........I am allowing this to happen........

I would like to think the last 8+ months has been a time of self-discovery (albeit, damn hard), but a time of learning..... Though right now I am soooooo damn exhausted I just want to feel normal again..... I don't want to have to find ways to muster energy to just go out with friends.....friends whom I love. I want to feel happy and confident......I want to feel LIKE ME AGAIN!!!

Comforting......

So, as I was reflecting this morning, I was thinking about how thankful I am for this blog. It is funny because I know very few read it (which is fine, and honestly, preferable), but it has really been a comfort to me as of recently (which as I have stated many times, I think is strange coming from an extrovert). I feel that I am able to get some thoughts and feelings out on "paper" that I do not want to bother others with (i.e. talking about.....though I would sooooo prefer to talk and analyze with someone, but don't at all want to be a bother).

I think this blog has helped me somewhat to be the "typical" Amy people are use to. It gives me strength to get "some stuff out"........gain a "little" energy to put forth for others. Sure, there are still plenty of times where I have to put on the happy face that everyone expects, though I may not be feeling it inside......but hey......I can't help it....I am a people pleaser and making others happy is more important to me.

It has been a VERY busy last 4 or so months, socially (which is great, I love to be social....and often set stuff up), but it has also left me feeling exhausted at times.......needing a day of downtime (which is unusal for me.....usually I can go, go, go). For example yesterday, I had no energy to do anything until I had to get ready to go to a friend's house to play Bunko (ummmm....that means not showering until 4:15 - ha). I wasn't even sure I would be able to muster up the energy for that (go to Bunko).....but I did thankfully, and it was FUN. Granted.....this could be also partially do to my return from Vegas and the jetlag. ;-)

But it is somewhat freeing to be able to type in this blog........I am not that strong internally as of recent......I get exhausted and don't always feel I can be my "typical and usual" self. However, I do find ways to re-energizer (or at least try), because bringing smiles to others faces is what is more important to me. Thus, if I can get "some of it out" in this blog (nothing too deep), then so be it.

This morning I was reading one of the Postsecret books. Yes, I know I have mentioned this website/books, etc. a few times in my blogs. It is soooooooo interesting to me that people feel they must keep secrets, or that some of the secrets they share on these postcards they do consider secrets.....that they cannot tell others. At times I find these secrets interesting, freeing, humbling, painful, happy and downright sad (I cried this morning over one --probably a few--of them). But anyway, it really got me thinking about myself......I really do not think I have any secrets that at least one person doesn't know. Sure, I am pretty open, but I have tact and know what to share when (for the most part). But honestly, maybe I am boring.........but I think I just talk openly about my feelings and am a pretty honest person (not saying any of these people that send in secrets are not honest). Not sure if this is good or bad..... But I do not think I could keep a secret inside that I couldn't tell at least someone.....some close friend/husband. I think I would burst. ;-)

But I do think that the "mask" I have to put on from time to time recently (acting totally happy and fine when deep inside I am not), is somewhat a secret (because MOST ----actually virtually all people have no idea I am doing this). But at the same time, I am pretty open with admitting I am a people pleaser......thus if I need to do something to keep harmony or make someone else feel better, I will.

This particular postcard touched me this morning........"I've put off telling my mother that I am depressed and need help........cause I'm afraid she'd be angry that I am not the perfect daughter she thinks I am...."

This secret made me cry......"My wife loves me. After 25 years, I've finally realized that is the only reason I love her. It's not enough reason to stay and not enough reason to leave."

I will leave you with one other touching "secret"....."I have a void that can't be filled. (not even by you)."

As much as I want to tell all of these people (in these books) to be themselves.....feel free....don't feel judged, I know that is a bit hypocritical of me right now.....considering.....I have been "faking it" at times lately, which is the complete opposite of what I value in people.

But boy.....how I long to help these people......to be that one person to listen, to tell them they are normal, that their secret is okay.....that if they want to do something about it......figure out what is best for THEM..........oh how I wish I COULD HELP! ;-)

Thank you "my blog" for being my comfort as of recent!!!! ;-)

Some thoughts........

Okay, so I posted the following quote the other day.....but this morning I am feeling a bit "down"....perhaps is the word. So, I thought I would move the quote up and just talk about it....because it had a profound impact on me when I read it this week. Maybe not quite as much as the Julia Roberts movie (ha), but an impact nonetheless. Here it is....

"20 years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover." - by Mark Twain.

Perhaps this goes back to my life feeling so unbalanced right now....and when I say unbalanced, I am not necessarily talking about the depression.....I am just talking about "my" life feeling unbalanced....out of sorts.......disconnected to who I am.... Though, not completely at all times, there are a few select people (2-3)......that without knowing.....make me happy and I feel a bit more connected genuinely in their presence.

I think for soooo long, no actually I know, for sooooo long I have thought life was suppose to work out a certain way, especially my life. I was (and still to a degree) am a planner. I mean hell, I had my life planned out at like 20. I remember looking at Matt while we are dating saying (at like age 20)...we are going to get married right after college at 22, and have 2 kids, one at 25 and one at 27.... Geesh.....was I delusional. ;-) Granted, that is also coming for a 20 year old (who knows, I may have actually been 19 - ha). But I totally remember that conversation one day when we met at the WalMart in Marysville during a Summer slurping a slushy.

I learned within the first year of graduating from college that things do not always go as planned. I learned slowly how to deal with it....to let go of my preconceived notions.....to be more flexible and spontaneous, and honestly as I look back I am fine with this. I appreciate learning this. Then the "hard" things in life began to take place (2003... and on)......and as I look back....I was almost a robot going through to motions from day-to-day......trying to operate....do the best I could at EVERYTHING in my life because I am such a perfectionist. I knew when I decided to end my Residence Life career at Malone in 2006 that this was because there was absolutely NOTHING left in me to give to others. That pained me as I love to give and invest in others. It broke my heart, but I knew it was not fair to continue when I couldn't give 100%.

I am somewhat feeling that way again..........I sooooo want to give, give, give to others.....but also know there is not much left in me, and I hate this. Hence.....I MUST find balance. But I am also reminded of the quote above.....and how we need to take chances....we need to explore, dream and discover..... I think I love this quote because I have "sort of" begun that journey......but maybe only like 10% into it - ha. I know there will be many hardships ahead.......but I need to remember to take chances......not fall back on my preconceived notions of how things "should be" that so naturally comes to me (well it use to....not as much anymore).......

I want to set sail.....I want to learn......I want to find balance.....I so desperately want to become stronger......

Express Yourself......

I think this may be a hodgepodge of thoughts.....as my mind is kind of thinking in a few different directions right now. I cannot believe this is like my third blog this week......strange for an extrovert (in my opinion) to find this therapeutic......but this week I certainly have. The blog I wrote last night totally helped me get some thoughts and ideas out......ideas and thoughts I NEEDED to get out.

But anyway, I was on the postsecret community website, and I just cannot express how moved I become by this site. Each week they post "new" secrets from others ( you can find it on the left side of my blog). But they also have a community website. I was reading through some of these
"secrets" again today.......and it just burns that desire even brighter within me that wants to help others in some way....... I just want every person on this earth not to feel judged.....and to be able to be "who" they want to be. What have we learned as a society that has caused us to shun people or be judgemental......hurtful??? Granted, believe me, I am by no means saying I am perfect. I am sure I hurt people sometimes.....but I try so hard to think before I talk......to encourage and help if needed....... I also think, thankfully......my mind naturally is more open and accepting of diversity in many ways.

I saw this postcard that was sent in and it touched me.......












Obviously, I have no idea what exactly this person was referring to (the event). It could have been a friend/relative that was dying of cancer or a disease, it could have to do with suicide, heck, perhaps this author's version of death was that this person left him/her. Regardless, it reminds me of how important it is to express what we are feeling. At this moment I am referring to sharing your feelings with others......being open.....letting them know you care about them. Of course, I am all about that....whether it be that I verbalize it, send a card, get a small gift, or even through hugs (a few of the ways I show I care). I want people special to me to know they are special. I know that it may make some uncomfortable....but to be honest.....I don't care (well I do.......) but I just want them to know they are cared about.

I wish that everyone did this.......shared their feelings and care. Of course, I am by no means saying I am prefect at it, but think of it as a challenge for me and for others. Don't wait until someone is "dead" to tell them you love them or care about them (it will just make it that much harder on you). None of us know how long we will be here. I know, I know......I have written about this before......but I am constantly reminded.

Maybe perhaps deep down........I want others that care about me to show it more often......yes...a selfish statement....and not why I am writing this at all.......but it makes you feel soooooo much better. I cannot even express the happiness I get from a card.....encouraging words.....people sharing with me (yes, this makes me feel loved), HUGS (I LOVE HUGS).........

So, all of this to say.....jump out of your comfort zone.......let others know you care!!! ;-)

Of course, this postcard (above) also made me think of John a bit.....and others that have lost someone to suicide.... Of course, this may not be the author's reasoning for creating this postcard, but it did make me think of John. The anniversary of his suicide is a little over a month away.......and the anniversary of losing my Grandpa to UGLY cancer is a little less than a month away.....August is kinda a hard month. Not sure why death and losing someone impacts me the way it does....but it does.

I thought this postcard secret was encouraging (below).....and just a reminder of how we should always make ourselves available for others.....especially in times of need:

Trying to find BALANCE

While watching "Eclipse" with my lovely sister the other day, I saw a preview for Julie Robert's new movie, "Eat Pray Love".....here is the trailer - WATCH IT!!!!

http://www.imdb.com/video/imdb/vi2996176409/

OMG......can I say how much this movie trailer resonated with me. It was almost like an "out of body experience" when I saw it. No, don't worry, I am not quiting the job I love to travel around the world.....but so much has been going on inside of me over the last 6-7+ months.....that I have been trying so hard to figure it out (which I am usually good at). I am a pretty self-aware person. I mean I do not claim to be super intelligent at all.....but I fairly understand myself....and have really thought through many different life experiences and worked through them (and am aware of them).....but boy, for some reason.......something has just been going on inside of me over the last few months.....which is why I haven't blogged much......because I cannot entirely explain it because I haven't figured it out..........nor should I probably be that vulnerable.....my last blog probably gave you a little of an glimpse.....

Anyway, I CANNOT wait to see this movie!!! Obviously, I am entirely going by the preview....but a few things got me thinking.

The most important:

1. I have been trying like nothing other than to find BALANCE in my life - or "MY" balance (as selfish as that may seem)! I still do not know entirely what that looks like, nor did I really have the revelation I was trying to find balance until I watched this preview (yes, cheesey). I think I have been subconsciously trying to find it lately.

For example, I have a diverse amount of friends (many different personalities...and I love each of them). Recently at my 31st birthday party (I already knew), but I had a good friend remark...you had a diverse (personalities) amount of people at that party....and I thought...yes, you are right. And as I started to analyze that (surprise).....it made me think....that so many of my friends represnt/bring some sort of balance in my life currently. Some are friends I would certainly not "nautually" be friends with....but due to life circumstances...are thankful for their friendships and what they bring to my life right now. Sure, I do not share every dark and deep secret with each of these different people, but they do not call or ask for that. They are my friends for different reasons. Perhaps they need me.....perhaps I just need their personality and balance in my life right now....and we just hit it off and are great. That sounds a bit like I am using someone and that would be the farthest from the truth. NEVER EVER would I use someone in my life. If I spend time with someone on my "own time" it is because I legitimately want to. I am so thankful for the different people in my life right now. I am thankful for the diversity....the diversity in personalities.....in life views......in just everything about them. I am also SO VERY THANKFUL that they want to spend time with me. That they value me for WHO I am!!!! Thank you for helping me through this difficult time.....though many of you have no idea that you are. ;-)

Friendships have ALWAYS been important to me.....so vitally important to my being. So, I am thankful and treasure every person in my life and am thankful that they want to be a part of my life. I only hope that I bring some happiness to their life. But regardless, thank you for the balance and wholeness you are bringing to my life without even knowing it......and thank you for being you....and for sharing....caring....and being "who" you are!!!!

Sure there is really only one friend I share almost everything with........but regardless, all of my friends mean so much and I have shared an aspect of me with each of them....or I have been there for them to share and help in their lives....which I feel so honored to be a part of.

So, I think this shows a small example of how I am trying to find balance in my life. Since people are important to me this helps. However, at the same time.......I know I NEED to figure out what balance truly is in my life on my own......and I certainly am not there yet......oh....the journey continues..... ;-)

2. So, another part of of the preview talks about "letting yourself go".....now I know in NO WAY have I reached this part of the deep thought.....but in tiny ways.....I have done things over the last 5 or so months that are out of my "innocent" (and I use that in loose terms) character........but I have loved and been thankful for every minute of it (for better or worse).....I have learned......and life is all about learning.....and growing..... I have loved the thrill.....I want to let myself go... I don't want to get in trouble......but I like the feeling of freedom......(no not freedom from my marriage....let me clarify that).......but freedom within myself that I have never experienced before in my life...... Sure maybe some of my choices have not been the smartest for a 31 year old.......but god darn it......I need to figure myself out even more than I already have........ The funny thing is......at 30......even before, I thought I had myself all figured out.....but I continue to learn about myself.....try to learn who I am...try to "better" myself through my experiences.

But I also need to learn how to let go of so many things going on around me. I need to learn to let go everyday to things that may not go according to how I want.....or think they should. I need to not take everything so personal........ I need to learn how to stop being a people pleaser.....and just "let go" and live an anxiety-free life (sounds nice, aye?)

3. However, I do resonate with her "want to marvel at something......to feeeeel good about something".......with this "depression" (yes I said the word).......I truly want to marvel at something and TRULY feel good about something......oh how I long for that........ I don't know what that would be. Honestly....I partly think to me......it doesn't have to be traveling overseas....but finding a good mentor/friend/wise person that can help me through this journey called life (share with me/listen/be honest/care). I LOVE and loooooong for relationships. That is what is most important to me in this life............so at this point I think that my "marvel" may be in confiding and seeking advice and learning from someone wiser than me..........this is something I have longed for, for SUCH A LONG TIME. I remember having a long conversation with my friend Steph back in like 2002-2003......talking about how I have longed for this.....for over 8 years.....someone I have a connection with that is wiser....that I can share with and learn from (obviously a woman).

Then after I learn even more......maybe I could travel just to marvel and learn about different things.... ;-)

4. Another aspect of the preview I loved was when the man said "clear the space in your mind and the universe would rush in"..........oh how I long to clear my mind. I am constantly analyzing....... I think way too much about others....pleasing them....I think about myself.......I just want to be CLEAR.........I want to be open....and let what is suppose to come in......COME IN.......I LOVED this idea.......especially coming from a gosh darn people pleaser....and one that constantly analyzes everything in her mind without always verbalizing it (yes, strange coming from me). :-)

5. During the preview they also had the following words come across the screen....hope, faith, courage.......I thought this was AMAZING and some strong words to use. Hope....well.....I could not even go into that word without crying tonight. I am currently having one of my friend's roommates complete a painting for my office that says "hope" if that tells you anything. Hope is sooooooo important to me for sooooooo many reasons. I love the word and it has sooooo many meanings to me.....meanings I will not share in this blog as they are too vulnerable. But....faith......for me.....I do not have much faith in religion at this point....but faith in people is important to me. I only choose to surround myself with those that I can have faith in.....those that are genuine.....and of course, faith about the future. Finally, courage......oh courage....something I always thought I possessed considering everything I have been through.....but lately have felt FAR from courageous. I hope it comes back someday......I hope I feel courage again one day soon.....I want balance (hence the blog).....I want courage.....I want to feel "normal" again...the normal Amy that doesn't have to "put on a mask".......one that is always genuine....actually I am normally genuine.....but for a select few lately haven't been......so I feel bad about that. That is soooooo NOT who I am at all!!! To be ingenuine is the opposite of who I am.....but yet....I have that conflict of people-pleasing that creches up and causes me to put on my happy....silly...entertaining face even though it may not be genuine (ughhhh....I am soooo sorry for this). I am pretty positive no one realizes this unless they really know me.....but I realize this....as I have been so exhausted lately putting on a show.....so I am sorry!!!

6. Finally, the lovely preview talks about how your life changing experience (as Julia is experiencing) should make you stronger. I really hope my current journey makes me stronger. ;-) I am all about being a strong and independent woman - ha!!! In all seriousness though.....I know life "should" make us stronger, but currently it is hard for me to see this. I hope once I come out of this difficult journey, I can look back and notice that I am stronger!!!! Oh, how I value strength....especially in me. I want to be a strong and independent woman....and just a strong individual overall. Not sure why I value this so much in myself.....but I do.

Okay....all of this babble....and this movie probably isn't even what the preview portrayed - ha!!! ;-) Regardless it got me thinking and hitting me right where I am at.......thank you "preview" for helping me think and process and hopefully grow. I can't wait for the movie to come out!!!!

Going for it......being vulnerable......

*****I originally posted this late Saturday night.....but did delete it for fear of being too vulnerable, well after receiving a very encouraging note from a great friend....I decided to re-post it and I will leave it this time. :-) You know who you are - thank you.......

Okay......so......for anyone that read my last post, I hinted towards wearing a bit of a mask lately.....well, I think I am "strong" enough just to throw it out there (especially since hardly anyone reads this). For the past 7+ months I have been struggling with some depression on top of the crazy anxiety that I already struggle with. It has sucked, to put it lightly. It has been soooooooooooooooooooooooooooo incredibly hard to put on that happy face when gosh darn it, I am not feeling it inside. It is also hard to feel a bit unsupported by those around me when they expect me to act that way.....when I am not feeling it. Granted, it is not like I have shared with many, actually hardly any of my current struggle. And who knows, I will probably delete this after a day anyway.......

But on top of the depression I am also struggling with two other things....that I think probably contribute to the depression:

1. People Pleasing - I am such a damn people pleaser and it just sucks. Sure, I LOVE LOVE LOVE people and making them happy (it brings me such joy inside). But to a degree, it has been causing me so much stress lately making sure people around me and those I care about are "pleased" and happy........and that I never do anything to make them upset. Again, as stated in previous posts, it brings me joy to make people happy.......but lately........it has been an uphill battle to always make sure people are happy, especially a few in particular. It is depleting what is left of me.

2. Pretending to be happy and act like "my normal self".....when I do not feel like it. This is somewhat what I was referring to in my previous post about the mask. Normally, I am a very upbeat, sometimes loud, love to interact with people.....and have fun...kind of person. I LOVE being around people all of the time.....having fun and investing in deep conversations when appropriate. However, lately I have been so damn E-X-H-A-U-S-T-E-D from putting on that mask. Granted, I am not always being fake, because again, that is what I normally am like (happy, social, etc.).......but there are times I barely have the strength to do it. I do not know what I need......maybe a few days of complete downtime? That seems bizarre, as I love being with people all of the time. Over the last few months I do not think there is a day, and certainly not a weekend that hasn't been jam-packed. I LOVE THIS, but the other, I guess "depressed" side of me is feel depleted......maybe needing downtime....

Selfishly........I think I need people to "give" to me......you know....earlier how I talked of being a people pleaser.......maybe I need to find some people that want to invest in me??? Or maybe I am just crazy. ;)

Well, that is a little bit of what is going on with me right now. I seriously can't believe I am typing this....again, if it is not deleted tomorrow.....that will be surprising....as being vulnerable has certainly not come easily to me lately.

The Mask

Every week I read the PostSecret website.....it ALWAYS touches my heart. Sometimes it makes me sad, sometimes it encourages me.....but most of the time it makes me want to help. I want to be the kind of person that "helps" people - I am a helper. I enjoy being able to do that (the empathizing side of me helps). I hate to see people in pain, or people hiding behind something. I wish that we all felt as though we could be completely "raw" and open with one another. Putting up the walls often leads to more insecurities and less communication. I suppose you do not have to be that open with everyone, but how wonderful would the world be if we could truly be who we want to be.....and not feel the need to hide. To not hide who we are, hide behind our secrets, not share the true depth of life and our hearts. Anyway, today, I was on the PostSecret facebook site looking through some of the pictures people submitted, and I came across this one and it spoke to me:

I really, really liked the message that this picture portrayed. If only we felt comfortable enough as a society to say I am done hiding behind a mask. I am done keeping my true feelings, hopes, dreams, thoughts, hurts, pains hidden. I want to be free.........I want to be me.....not judged...but accepted for ALL that I am.

I hope that most people view me as a non-judgemental person. I certainly try to portray this, supporting whatever decision someone makes. Now of course, if it is something that is going to hurt them......then I may intervene. But I really don't think there is anything that someone has told me in my entire life that completely shocked me and made me feel different around them. I like to be that solace for others. However, I wish that others felt this way too (in helping people). It saddens me that people feel so unaccepted......that they must either hide......or worst case end everything (the reason this PostSecret site was created).

So, all the irony in this is that I truly believe whole-heatedly what I have typed above.....but lately feel as though I have been hiding behind a bit of a mask. I have put on that smile even when it has been hard to. Sure, I have opened up to a couple of people....but sometimes life can be tough. But I guess I would also like to show you something that another person submitted to the site that portrays how I have been feeling lately:

For me, it has always been important to be the "strong" one.......I have felt that I have needed to for sooooo many different things that have happened in my life. But I have come to realize over the last few months.........I really am not as strong as I once thought (VERY hard revelation). Sure, it still hurts to write that.......as I prefer to be the strong one ALWAYS helping others. However, I must remember, and like to think that even through hard times......that maybe this phase and different things I am experiencing will one day help someone else. Help someone else not to hide behind that mask. Yes, I really do hope so........................ Because HOPE......it is something to live for!

Ohhh.....and for a small disclaimer.....even though I have struggles right now....if you are a friend reading this.....ALWAYS feel you can still come to me for comfort.......I am always here to listen!!! ;-)

Thoughts.....

I have had a pretty nice weekend, and I am thankful for that. I am taking a little break from grading my students' papers to write a posting.

Last night I got to see my stepsister, Heather. Yes, I still call her my stepsister even though her dad and my mom divorced 9 years ago. Wow, 9 years......that is so hard to believe. However, I grew up with her as a child. I would see her every other weekend from the age of 7 to 22 (minus when I was away at college during the year). We were sharing many different memories last night. She has turned into such a beautiful young lady. As I sat across the table from her last night.....it just brought back so many memories. She doesn't seem old enough to have 2 adorable children now. I mean she is about to turn 28, but still. As I get older I have just become more and more thankful for my siblings. I am thankful that Shane, Abby and I have gotten closer. We have made it through a lot together.

Yesterday afternoon I felt some anxiety coming about (that is not unusual, of course....often a daily occurrence). At times there are reasons, and other times there are not as to why I am anxious. However, I did try to reflect to determine if there was a reason for this anxiety. And as I reflected.......I was wondering if part of it was the fact that seeing Heather tonight would make me think a bit more about John....his suicide.....growing up with him...... Don't get me wrong, I couldn't wait to see Heather. I had not seen her for almost 2 years, we have only kept in contact via email. But yet, the reality is.....she, my sister Abby and I were there through all of the chaos after John's suicide. I think we shall forever be bonded in a different sort of way. Of course, we always will, as I still consider her my sister, and of course, Abby is my sister.......but this bonding is different.......

I never brought up anything about the suicide last night.....as typically I am not one to share as of recent (but yet that hurt is still there for me in the pit of my stomach). We did share some silly stories about how we would tease my younger sister.....by holding her down and tickling her.....and we would get her to hit her head on the wall......too funny. Poor Abby being the youngest. But there was something fun and serene about being together.

Every Sunday I read this website called PostSecret. It started out as a suicide prevention site. For some reason I love this site. This week's postings were not as big as some week's.......but it gives you a glimpse into other's hearts.....their secrets....their pain......things they feel they cannot share with others. Although I like this site, it makes me sad that many feel so judged in this world that they must keep things bottled up.....that they have no one to turn to.....that suicide or self harm or sending someone else their secret is all they have left. I mean don't get me wrong, if sending their secret to this site gives them freedom, then by all means keep them coming. But anyway, my heart often pains each week I read these stories...... http://www.postsecret.com/2010/06/sunday-secrets_13.html

I have had some struggles/difficulties as of recently.....and I just want to say thank you to my good friend Genny for being such a great, supportive and non-judgemental friend - I love you!

So, in typically photo Amy fashion......some photos -


















****My sister Ab, brother Shane, stepsister Heather and ME - all four of us!! Horray
















***Heather, Me and Abby!!!!
















***My best friend Genny (in the middle) and Heather! Thank you "G" for everything!

The Meaning of Life......

Yep, I know..........I think a bit too much. But as I sit here watching "Sweet November".......I started contemplating aspects of the meaning of life (considering none of us know how long we will be here). So, what is the meaning of life??? Sure, many have philosophical or religious answers to that question. And yes, I use to be a fairly religious person....but after so many different life circumstances I have experienced I have been struggling and questioning faith in general. So, again, I ponder.......what is the meaning of life?

Of course, there really is no way to entirely answer this question, as it is a very broad and open to many interpretations....but I thought I would share some of my thoughts...........please remember....I am a simple girl!!!

Today, yes, I say today.......as I am sure that on different days I may give some different thoughts...

To me......I think the meaning of life is...........to be happy. Yep, just that simple!!! ;-) Now, how one gets to that happiness is a different story. I think it can be achieved in many ways.

For me, Happiness means many things....... It seems like such a simple word.......but to me it is a bit more complex and can be brought about in different ways. However, for me, one of the main definitions of happiness for me is that I definitely love to help people.......make them happy. Sometimes this is a double-edged sword as being a people-pleaser can certainly backfire.......but I really thrive on making others smile....doing things for others....understanding them....understanding what makes them happy....understanding how I can make them feel important. That is truly what makes me happy. I love to spend time with people.....listen to them....offer words of encouragement and support.

To me that truly does bring happiness to my life.....but selfishly, I have not been doing that nearly as much as I have wanted to lately....as I have struggled to be positive and "happy" lately. I have kind of felt exhausted and depleted and need to find a way to re-energize myself so that I can get back to what I truly like to do......and I am working on this. ;-)

Sometimes I think that for me, another aspect of happiness would be if I could just be carefree and positive most of the time (I try to be pretty positive....so maybe focusing more on the carefree). I really long for this......and know that this would make life a bit easier........and probably also help me on one of my main goals in life - to bring about happiness in other people's lives!!!! As most of you know from reading this blog.....I do struggle relaxing......and with anxiety. But oh how I want to overcome this. ;-) I feel so selfish in struggling with anxiety, etc. The quicker I can overcome this.......the quicker I can be more positive and have helping others (without becoming exhausted) be a bit more natural.

I love meeting people whom are able to have such a positive outlook on life.....and be more carefree....taking it as it comes...........I like to learn from them.....

My friends and family also make me happy, and I think that it is important to always remind them of how important they are to you. That is something I firmly believe in. And since making people happy is part of my "meaning of life".........I hope that I am able to remind and let my friends know how much I care about them. I don't care if I appear too touchy-feely or sappy. ;-) Again, none of us know how long we have in this life.....or how long we will be mentally, emotionally and physically present.

Finally, in an effort to keep this blog relatively short......animals also make me happy!!! I think caring and taking time to help animals or taking care of your own is a very important aspect of life. You can do this many ways.....like I said....helping out a local organization, taking good care of your own animals.....or of course by becoming vegetarian or vegan (hee hee). Yes, the first two are more easy. But I LOVE animals and they make me happy.......and are a very important part of my life.

Okay.....perhaps I will add some more thoughts to this.....ohhhhh so complex topic in future blogs!!!! ;-)

Connection......

I have not felt much like blogging lately, actually I take that back. I have felt like blogging lately.....but figure some of the topics I have blogged or wanted to blog were too vulnerable or not as positive as I have wanted them to be. As I usually like to be a pretty positive person, so I have either not written them.....or written them and then deleted them.

However, lately I have had this deep need for connection. I do not think I can fully explain it, nor do I completely understand it. Sure, I know that I am a person that loves to spend time with others, invest in others and relate to others. But lately I have felt a bit exhausted and know I haven't been able to do that the way that I want to (myself invest in others). I normally seek people out.....and love to listen to them. I do not necessarily give advice......because who am I to give advice......but I try to empathize or encourage. I hate that lately I have felt depleted in being able to do this.

However, I have been contemplating over the last month or so how much I LONG for connection. Sure, I like to connect with others on a more surface level......listening, sharing common interests. But for some reason I have this deep innate "need" to truly connect lately. I do not know with whom....entirely........ Sure, I know the sort of friends I may seek out with certain personality characteristics that make it more easy for me to actually share. But I just have been longing to connect.....and haven't been able to yet......

I am sure that this makes no sense, because clearly I do not have it all figured out. I am not sure why I have such a need for a deep connection (though of course, I have analyzed some theories)....maybe it kinda goes back to the first post of this blog. I want to truly be known........but I say that with hesitation now because I certainly don't want to truly be known by everyone......as I have been more reserved lately with what I share. I kinda feel like parts of me are shutting down emotionally due to certain life circumstances lately. But yet, I still have such a deep desire.....almost a deep pain in my heart to have a true and nice connecting session with someone. Something that will continue...........

I wonder if anyone else ever feels this way?????

Thankful.....Friendships......

I know, I know.......I haven't really been posting anything too meaningful lately. I have sort of felt like I have been in a fog......life has been a bit of a whirlwind....not all bad......just a bit foggy. There really is no other way to explain it, but I feel like I have been in a fog.

However, over the last few days I have really been thinking about people.....relationships.....and the importance of certain people in your life at certain times. As I am sure you can tell if you read this blog, relationships are important to me. But lately I have been kinda reflecting even more (yes, big surprise for those that know me). I have been thinking about my friendships....the kind of people I am more "attracted" to....because let's face it....I am sure many of our close friends have some sort of similar qualities - I mean those really close friends. When I think of my close friends.....I have found that I am typically closer to those that are "NF" on the Myers-Briggs......especially "INF".....but definitely a few "ENF". Yes, I know, leave it to me to equate everything to the MBTI. It is not like I "seek" those people out.....I just think that for some reason......I naturally become closer to those types of personalities. ;-) It is just easy.....sometimes more of a connection......

But I have met some people over the last year or so....that are a bit out of the my "normal" friendships. Truth is....I am so thankful for the so many friendships that I have. I don't necessarily see everyone as much as I would like.....but am thankful that I know if or should I need something, I could call someone. I am thankful for the diversity in personalities that are a part of my life right now in my friends. I have been experiencing so many different things over the last few months personally.....and am thankful for some of the fun people I am able to spend time with...that help me feel normal and make me laugh......

I am also thankful for those friendships that I have had for quite a while. I am not going to name any names......but I am sooo thankful for those friendships that I have had for quite a while and one in particular.....I have been able to go even deeper with lately. I love depth......Okay, I shall name names......love you Gen! Depth in friendships and people are so important to me. I love you Girlie!! And though we have known each other for at least 18 years.......you have been such a great friend lately!!!

Of course, as stated earlier.....I am also thankful for my other friends....where it doesn't have to always be about deep conversations.....but those you are able to go out with, share, enjoy a few drinks and have some fun. I feel so blessed.

There is also another person that has entered my life in the last 4 or so months. Someone I am thankful for.....and have been able to talk to....and feel comfortable talking to her. As of lately, it has been a bit more difficult for me to share about myself in many of my friendships....as I feel selfish. I like to be the listener, the empathizer, the helper, the encourager. I am thankful for these qualities in myself as I truly care about people.......but so many times I feel selfish to even begin to talk about myself....and to be honest, for some strange and unknown reason I have found it hard to talk about myself at all (but yet I am a verbal processor). I feel I am a pretty open book, but lately, unless someone asks me questions......I have not really been openly sharing about myself....not that I don't relate on the "surface" level to many...but not the "depth level" (and I have noticed about myself.....that I have also been avoiding sometimes when people do actually ask me questions - haven't quite figured out why.....as this is not really me). Yes, the last 6-9 months have been a bit different for me. But anyway....back to to the beginning of this paragraph, I am thankful for "this person" that came into my life about 4 months ago! ;-) Thank you for being caring....and truly caring about me and being a good listener! ;-) I know this is just naturally who YOU are, but I am thankful for that.

But anyway.......I know most people probably can't relate to this post. But I write all of this just to stay how thankful I am for people that have been placed in my life. I am so thankful for so many of the friendships I have for so many different reasons! I love you all!!! Thank goodness for fate and diversity in people (personalities/qualities)! And in typical Amy fashion......sending HUGS to each and every one of you......wish I could do it in person!!! ;-)

A few quotes that touched my heart today.....

Out Of a great need We are all holding hands And climbing. Not loving is a letting go. Listen, The terrain around here Is Far too Dangerous For That. ~Hafiz
***Love this concept......want to see it lived out.......


"I have learned to use the word 'impossible' with the greatest caution." Wernher Magnus Maximilian von Braun
***I long to live out this quote.....sometimes I meet "special" people that give me a glimmer of hope into this possibility........


It is not length of life, but depth of life. -Ralph Waldo Emerson
***This I couldn't agree more with.......I love deep people that share true feelings...and their true sincere colors!


From a friend's blog............love it.....
why no umbrellas? because too often, we hide from things that will not hurt us
***Oh, how true this is........Thanks Linds!

Why?

Why must life be so hard (and I am not talking about for myself)? Why must there be pain? Why must there be hurt? Why must there be suffering?? Life just isn't fair. I know, not that anyone said it would be........but gosh darn it........it really is not fair.

I hate to see those I love and care about suffer. I wish I could just take it away from them.......I just wish they didn't have to experience it.......

I wish that I could be numb........yes.....selfishly........I want to be numb.....I am tired of watching so much horribleness go on around me......I am ready to be a strong and supportive tower......person for others, but yet not envelop the pain upon myself too. How can I do that? Oh, how I wish I had the answer.........

Control....

Control.....a pretty big word in my life. I guess that for a lot of my life you could say I was a bit of a control-freak. I don't think it was probably obvious to most....only to those pretty close to me. After witnessing some things growing up, I learned pretty quickly that "I" wanted to be in control of my life. In no way, shape or form would I be controlled by someone or circumstances. At least not if I could "control" it. I wouldn't say I would control or manipulate people by any means, but I wanted my life a certain way. I had a plan for the way things should be....the way things should go....and I would do what I could to continue on that path. But ummmm......I quickly found that life doesn't work that way......

However, I have been worn down quite a bit over the last few years.......and honestly, don't have any strength left to try and control what is going on around me. I use to be the planner.....I would plan and gather friends together.....plan out our week......plan out what Matt and I would be doing that upcoming week.....planning just about every detail you could think of. However, I have almost become apathetic.....as I just don't have much left to give.......or to even think about controlling most things that effect my life. I kinda feel like (especially over the last few months), I have been just sitting back and watching my life from the sidelines. And to be completely honest, this is FINE with me. It really is.....at least fine for now...........

I haven't been very good at reaching out to people.......I mean if I am invited......or friends are doing something I will certainly be there (and have been pretty busy lately with friends)........but I have not been the one usually "making the plans".........this part I am not happy about, as I don't want any of my friends to think I don't care. But again.........I am just feeling like I am running on fumes.....and don't have the energy to "plan". I definitely have energy to be with people.....as that is how I am energized...by being with friends. And thankfully, have had a lot of time lately to spend with important people in my life. But nonetheless........I haven't been the normal planner.......

I know my wonderful husband, whom I have been with for over 12 years and almost married to for 9.......was use to me pretty much controlling most of what was going on (not him, just things in our life). This was fine for a long time. But lately.......again....it has been gradual over the last two or so years, but definitely in the last 6 or so months......I am fine with him taking control......trusting him to take care of a lot of different things. Again.........just feeling a bit empty....and fine with whatever comes our way. Sure, I still get stressed about silly things........but I have found myself keeping composure about bigger stressors (well sometimes).

So, I guess you could say......I have been "letting go".....giving up control........"maybe" trusting others a bit more. But I must wonder, is this good or bad??? Since it is very different from the way I have been most of my life. Now don't get me wrong, even though I have been a bit apathetic....and watching from the sidelines, I am still struggling with anxiety. One would think perhaps that would be better......but alas......NO. :-(

However, there is one area where I have noticed lately I have no control, and it is hard for me. I am being a bit vulnerable, so we will see if I post this.....or maybe even delete it within a day. :-) But anyway, I had a revelation while processing and leaving work on Friday......that lately I have had no control over my emotions. UGH!!!! Sure, I know I am a sensitive and emotional person......but I feel that I have been a bit emotionally out of control lately. I certainly think it has been obvious to a few people, but this "out of controlness" I feel more internally. I know I should not be reacting or letting things bother me the way they are.......but I have no control over my "internal emotional reaction" and sometimes no control over my external emotional reaction. Thankfully the crying I can usually contain to the appropriate times..... But it is draining to be feeling so many emotions internally.......emotions that are a bit irrational at times....ugh......I CERTAINLY DO want to be in control of my emotions, and the way I present myself....... I mean I certainly realize a lot has happened over the last few months....but still I want to be in emotional control!!!!!!

But anyway.......so whereas I am a bit thankful that I am less controlling of most things going on around me.......I wish I did have control over my emotions a bit more. Nothing more than a genuine....analyzed....revelation. Ha......there is a surprise......me analyzing (maybe that is part of my problem.....I need to think less)!

I wish I could.....turn off that emotion chip!

So, Matt was watching a show of Star Trek the other night, and at one point, Captain Picard (and NO, I do not watch Star Trek), but Captain Picard says......"Data perhaps now you should turn off your emotion chip." Data is a robot.....that was given an emotion chip that I guess....could be turned off. Anyway, I was only slightly listening as I am sure I was on the laptop.....but I thought to myself......OH HOW I LONG TO BE ABLE TO DO THAT!! I would LOVE to be able to turn off my emotions.

Sure, I need to be thankful for the person I am, and confident in my strengths and be aware of my weaknesses and how I want to improve them. Granted....I am certainly one that is more focused on the strengths of others....but I still recognize my weaknesses....and what I want to improve in myself. However, EVERY SINGLE day, I am reminded of how sensitive I am and how I struggle to bury my emotions.

Now perhaps burying is not the best word, because in NO WAY, shape or form would I encourage anyone AT ALL to bury emotions (I love listening to others). I truly am an advocate of talking/processing/sharing your feelings regardless of what they are (negative or positive). However, I sometimes find it hard to decipher what I am feeling and what I should just ignore.

I feel things SOOOOO deeply and they impact me so much. Is there a way I can change this (am I just immature)? I have wondered this for most of my life.....but especially from high school on....and definitely in the last 5 or so years. I know at times I should be thankful that I am "in touch" with my feelings, and that I can often times empathetically "feel" others emotions, and that I can be compassionate. However, sometimes I feel so many things so quickly and so deeply that it can be hard for me to process. Sure, I could process them verbally and quickly with certain people.....but that usually is not a possibility (nor would I want to put them through that). So......instead.....I am left.....feeling so drained and confused trying to process these darn emotions I can feel sooooo deeply. At times I feel like a freak. :-)

So, all of this to say, I soooooo wish I could be like Data in good ol'Star Trek and be able to "turn off that (my) emotion chip." Oh, how much easier life would be if I could do that!!!! :-)

Goodbye Great Grandma Ruth......

Well, it has been a few weeks since I have blogged.....as I have been pretty emotionally exhausted....and there has not been not much left in me. But today we buried my Great Grandmother. As stated in a previous post, she was diagnosed with bone cancer in December. The last few weeks have been pretty rough. However, I am so thankful for the time I have been able to spend with her in the nursing home over the last few months. I am grateful to have been able to go fairly often. I still remember about 3-4 weeks ago sitting there, just her and I visiting. :-) I am thankful for this time, as I did not get as much time with her son, my Grandpa (Ike) before he died of cancer. So, I kinda felt like I came full circle being able to spend more time with her......even though I wasn't able to spend as much with her son due to being across the country (in a weird way it felt like redemption....but that is not the only reason or why I spent time with Grandma). Granted for me (selfishly), it was very draining seeing her suffer so greatly at the end. I still feel so bitter about cancer and bitter about the way her life had to end.....but am very thankful she is no longer feeling any pain....so very thankful for that.

Just thought I would post a few thoughts......as I know I will probably not be able to verbalize much since many people (understandably....but somewhat hard for me) don't like to talk about death. But even in the midst of this great loss, it was nice to spend time with my family. I am especially thankful for my brother and sister........I am so very thankful for how much closer we are. I love them so much. It was also nice to spend time with extended family. We went out to a yummy Mexican restaurant in Bellefontaine after the viewing on Sunday......and it was a lot of fun and there were a lot of laughs. This was very nice and refreshing. I, of course, had my camera so got a lot of great pictures. I am soooooo very thankful for these pictures....I love pictures......to help me remember those memories....those feelings in that moment.

I am also thankful for my couple of friends that came to the viewing, this meant SO MUCH TO ME - love you both!!! I am also thankful that some of my Dad's family came....even though it was a loss on my Mom's side.

Today was much harder than I thought it would be. Hard to see so many people grieving. Hard to see my Aunt (whom is my age), and my Uncle (whom is 35), sad......as they have lost both parents (my Grandpa Ike (Ruth's son), and step-Grandma Norma) to this horrible disease.....and now their Grandma. To see their pain made me pain so much more for them - I love you both! To see my sister cry.....who isn't as emotional as me.....made me cry too. I know, I am a bit too much of an empath. But I too, was sad......I mean I am happy, SO VERY HAPPY she is no longer suffering, as this past week was very draining and hard to see. But sad to officially say goodbye.....to say goodbye to my last Great Grandma. I was thankful that I knew EVERY one of my Great Grandmas!!! This morning my Grandpa Dowell pointed out that when I was very young I had 8 grandma's at a birthday party for me. I had 1 great, great grandma, 4 great grandmas, and 3 other grandmas (including my step-grandma....but I called her grandma). Oh, how fortunate I was. Now I only have two grandma's remaining.....but I am very thankful for them.

So......all of this to say......goodbye Great Grandma Ruth! You were a terrific lady whom loved so many and was loved by so many. You will be greatly missed by a lot of people. Here are a few pictures in memory of you!

The first picture is of Me and Shane with Grandma in early January 2010
The second picture is of the twins with Grandma in early January 2010
The third picture is of Ab and I with Grandma in a later January 2010
The fourth picture is of Ike's (my Grandpa - her son's) kids in later January 2010